Topic ID: 20787
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Kyte
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 Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 3:52 pm Post subject: Letters from the General |
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"Hey, Jack!"
"Huh?"
Ubi threw an envelope. "From General Washington," he said.
"Get real. It's 2007 for Pete's sake."
With a hurt look, Ubi backed away.
"Come on, we've been friends since 7th."
Ubi, now 20, shook his head. "Man, it's bona fide. Look at the seal."
An eagle, with 13 arrows in one claw and 13 olive branches in the other. Jack gasped.
He slowly, slowly, opened the envelope. Two pages fluttered out.
"My dear Jack,
How are you?"
Ubi read read it out loud.
"No way! George Washington is dead!"
"I don't know! It's a mystery."
Jack's eyes hardened into ice-blue marbles. "It's not, Ubi. You faked this letter."
"You-! Is that written in Kanji? Is it? You're wrong, Mr. President, and I'll kill you."
He flew at Jack. Jack sidestepped and Ubi ran fist-first into a lamp. He howled something in Jpanese.
"Ubi, I didn't-"
"Mean it? You dog, dont' give me American lies. I'm taking the next flight to Tokyo."
"Not with that hand," Jack fired. "Let me help you."
"Get away from me!!" |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:11 pm Post subject: t |
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Ha ha. Very funny Mr. president.
I am not the real person when it comes to history but I think it needs a bit of work. |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:13 pm Post subject: r |
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You're right. I'm drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
hehehehehehehehehehehrehehehehehehrheheheheh. |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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Not the most appealing historical-fiction piece I've read. The characters are boring, flat and need some help in the character development department.
The story itself is rather confusing. I had to read it three times to understand, and I'm still at a loss if there was a joke somewhere or not.
I have a few suggestions, but it will require research, as so often this genre requires. Read as much as you can about our enigma, Washington himself. By the way, he was NOT our first President because of the Articles of Confederation. Payton Randolph was our first. Washington was our first President under the Constitution. By learning about him, you'll be able to take our dear President and make a complete mockery of Washington in a humorous, and most delightful way. THAT would be a piece I would love to read about.
Next, if you're truly serious about improving your characters, there is a usergroup called Char Development. Go there, and work on Snoink's activities.
Sorry if I came down as a tad harsh but I am a 18th Century enthusiast, who knows this era, inside and out. To write about any person from this era, expect me to come tackling ya. 
Cheers! |
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Last edited by Samuel Garrison on Wed Jan 23, 2008 9:02 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Fire Light
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... umm... confusing?
OK, to be frank, it needs some work.
It was kinda confusing the was that Ubi is Japanese, the letter was written in kanji, wo was going to "kill" who, Jack read it, Ubi was trying to "kill" Jack BECAUSE it was written in kanji?
It is a pretty good piece, but you are on the right track.
BTW, i know where you live XD  |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: |
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I was very confused. I had no idea what was going on or who these people were.
You need to spend some time building up your characters and scene. I didn't even know what ime period you were in! You mentioned George Washington, but then you go and say
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| "Get real. It's 2007 for Pete's sake." |
Hardly Historical is it?
This needs a lot of work. |
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VampX13
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: |
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| This piece needs to be cleared up a bit. I might suggest on describing what is going on, where it is happening, etc. Also you might want to continue working on your historic research for the piece so that you really get to feel the period or historical figure. And if this isn't a period piece and it doesn't contain any historical figures or anything then I might suggest that it is in the wrong section. |
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JezzaP
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good. It doesn't really fit under the category of historic though, if you are planning on do what i think you are |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
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I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good.
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Could you explain further please? What about the piece specifically was enjoyable to you? The dialogue? The interaction between the characters? I venture to guess the author would like to know why or why not his work is "good" or "bad" and suggestions if there are errors, and of course - examples.
Just a thought to concider when a person become the editor. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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I'm confused too. At first I thought this was going to be one of those stories where it starts in the present day and the characters are hurled back into some time in the past, but then it just sort of trailed off and died, and yeah... I have no idea how this is historical fiction.
I second fishr's advice about looking into some serious character development. I would also reconsider where this story is currently categorized. Just shoot me a PM if you like it moved.
Happy editing! |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good. |
I think what Jezza meant was that the style appeals to him. Now I've read it, I like it. It seems like it has the potential to be a very humuorus piece - keep it up! I'de like to read more. |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Um. I had some more to this, though I'm not sure what happened to it. As for research, I agree on that score. |
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Black Cat Sachiko
We are the Folk, and tonight we speak in one voice of the deeds of all.
Tailchaser's Song |
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