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Kyte
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 Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:30 pm Post subject: The Debate |
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Charactes: John Nero, the author
Mr. Barry, his editor
John Makum
An aide.
Scene one: Mr. Barry's Office
(Lights come one. Spotlight Mr. Barry's desk, where a manuscript lies half open. Mr. Barry enters, stage right.)
(Telephone)
Barry: Hello, John Barry. I'm-- Oh, Mr. Nero! Sorry!
(Nero's voice over the phone): I need some help here. What do you think of the prologue?
Barry: Is that so? I'd cut it personally. (Pause) Yeah, she needs more depth. How is she feeling?
Nero: Hmm... Let me see.. "The chandaier lit up. It haloed Elizabeth in a wash of gold and crystal light. 'Hello, everyone,' she said with a brilliant smile. A false smile."
(Barry shivers) Man, that's good!
Nero: Thanks. I'm just revising it now.
Barry: So tell me, is Chapter Thirteen done? (shivers again) This is a mystery after all.
(Nero chuckles) What's the matter? Superstitious?
Barry: No, just cautious.
(Both laugh)
(Lights fade out. The last thing we hear is Barry saying, "Mr. Nero, you'll revive Victorian mystery.") |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, this was short and I found it quite dry. And you called it The Debate, saying it was an argument between the author and editor! This was no argument. Apart from that:
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| Barry: Hello, John Barry. I'm-- Oh, Mr. Nero! Sorry! |
Should be another comma after John.
| Quote: |
Barry: Is that so? I'd cut it personally. (Pause) Yeah, she needs more depth. How is she feeling?
Nero: Hmm... Let me see.. "The chandaier lit up. It haloed Elizabeth in a wash of gold and crystal light. 'Hello, everyone,' she said with a brilliant smile. A false smile."
(Barry shivers) Man, that's good! |
You said that the editor didn't like the prolouge, but when the author read it out he loved it. Which one is it?
Apart from those things, it was alright. Not great, but alright. It's short, though. Perphaps you should add some more to it because right now it's just not getting through to me. |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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He was struck by an inspiration. I guess.
Well, yeah, it is short. The first scene in my second script. |
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