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Killing For Colour.


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Killing For Colour.

Postby PenguinAttack on Sat Sep 29, 2007 5:13 pm

The pristine blue of her eyes shone, encased in the pale porcelain of her skin. The cold perfection of that skin stretched across her face, broken, only briefly, by her glistening orbs. Yet it was her mouth, those two shimmers of blushing ruby, which drew his gaze.  

 

He had the sudden urge, the compulsion, to reach out and glide his fingers over the tangled auburn of her hair; he felt that if his hand came in full contact with it he would taint it. Even as he thought of this unforgivable sin, his hand reached forward, brushing past the tip of her ear, only to have it retreat; hanging frozen in the air, never touching the glossy temptation.  

 

He grinned at himself, his jade eyes sparkling with bitter mirth. He had known for sometime of his black nature, the stain on his soul. To touch this beauty would be to sully her. It seemed no beauty was immune to his touch, from the purist dove to the darkest storm; each was stained by his sin. His grin slipped suddenly into the half-formed twitch of a well-used smirk, both sensual and dangerous on his shadowed lips.  

 

His hand slipped back, grazing down the silky yellow of her dress. While it was a stunning yellow - one might take it for the essence of a pure sunflower - it was not the hue he would have chosen for this immaculate figure. He felt that blue, the blue of a cloudless sky, would be more suited to rival that of her haunted eyes.  

 

She was, of course, an imperfect specimen. Others in this room could surpass her easily. The beauty behind him, in particular, had eyes a solid green that challenged his own. Her tumbling blonde tresses fell, swiftly twisting, to her waist. She had a milkmaids complexion; cheeks rouged by exhaustion, lips pouting in pink seriousness. Her crimson dress contrasted brilliantly, throwing her pale skin into the forefront, and highlighting those features she commanded with grace.  

 

Yet he felt her no true match to his smirking Madonna. He knew it was not her perfection that he sought, he had achieved that time over, it was the experience that he needed. He had bartered for voice, paid for shape, stolen for personality, for intellect. For this wonderous feeling he would do more, he would travel to the world’s ends.  

 

For he saw before him a new perfection, one that was neither hidden, nor apparent. It was for this new precedent that he would defy all his god’s laws, for this paradise he would kill. Her fierce sapphire orbs, the tangled fire that was her hair, and most of all; the half-defined smirk of blooming ruby that inexplicably drew his gaze. These features that made her, that drew him, defined the utopia that came with sight. He felt that without her he would be blind to the world’s faded beauty and not mourn. He would kill; he would murder for the perfection that was Colour.

Last edited by PenguinAttack on Sat Oct 13, 2007 10:06 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby bkwrm on Sat Sep 29, 2007 5:23 pm

This is really interesting. Your descriptions actually remind me a little of how Bram Stoker described the female vampires in Dracula. There are a couple of things you need to look at though.
Firstly this phrase; 'the tangles mass of her hair.' doesn't really make sense. Do you mean the tangled mess?
Second 'She had a milkmaids complexion'. I think it should be milkmaid's.
Anyway other than that it's fantastic. Well done!
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Postby PenguinAttack on Sat Sep 29, 2007 5:27 pm

Hehe, thankyou muchly for the commentation, I actually noticed both of those problems mere moments ago, before I read your comment, but thankyou so very much for pointing them out - editing is my worst issue.

Thankyou once again for the commentation, it is much appreciated.

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Postby Alainna on Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:32 pm

This was a very original and lovely piece; the description worked well. The way you described the colours was not in the least tiring- which I was worried it was going to be.

Even as he thought of this unforgivable sin his hand reached forward, brushing past the tip of her elfin ear. Only to halt abruptly just before his opaque nails met her sumptuous mane.

Although it would be a rather long sentence, I think this would work better as one rather than two. That way there is no long pause, especially as you start with the word 'only'.

Her crimson dress contrasted brilliantly, highlighting those features she commanded with grace.

I believe that her dress is yellow- you describe it so in the previous paragraph. Yet here it is crimson...which is dark red. Make sure you have continuity and don't stuff sentences in for the sake of it.

I love your last line and the whole of the last paragraph even. It just sums up the piece wonderfully.

Well, I'm afraid my crit wasn't that helpful, so all I can say is keep it up.

Alainna
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Postby PenguinAttack on Sat Oct 06, 2007 5:06 am

Hehe, of course your crti was helpful, all crits and comments are. As well as being monumentally appreciated that is :D


I agree about the sentance thing, one whole sentace does sound better *edits*

About the colour of the dress, the crimson is for another girl, the yellow for his "smirking madonna" (O.M.G. I just quoted myself o.O) rading it over now I realise it is confusing. As soon as the comp is over I shall edit it up a storm. Hehe.


Thankyou once more. I can never truely say how much I appreciated, and love to get, comments and crits =]


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Postby Leja on Sun Oct 07, 2007 1:02 am

I like the title, first of all!

I know that this piece is centered around colors, but you might want to use them sparingly, so that they're as effective as they can be. More generally, you want to be careful with over-modifying things. Example:

He had the sudden urge, the compulsion, to reach out and glide his fingers over the tangled mass of her hair. Somehow he felt that if his darkly tanned hand came in full contact with her fierce auburn hair he would taint it.


Her hair is tangled, fierce, a mass, and auburn; and every other noun, except for his fingers, is modified, all within the space of two sentences. You might want to do something like moving either "fierce" or "auburn" to the phrase about her hair being a tangled mass, and get rid of the one you don't use. You could also combine the two sentences since they are largely about the same action, yet they start/stop awkwardly as if they were two separate ones.

Even as he thought of this unforgivable sin his hand reached forward, brushing past the tip of her elfin ear, only to halt abruptly just before his opaque nails met her sumptuous mane.


^ Here, too. I've bolded all the phrases that have been modified by either an adjective or an adverb. See how much of the segment stands out? The rest of your story proceeds in a similar fashion; adjectives and description in general are good things, but when they're overused, it gets a little more difficult to get through. Instead, think on how you can describe things in more than one word, as more than a color before a noun. Describe how his hand halts abruptly, not just that it does so. Descriptions don't have to go on for pages and pages, effective ones are often just a sentence or two, but they get the point across so much more vividly: descriptions that will stick with the reader long after they've put the piece down.

While it was a stunning yellow, one might take it for the essence of a pure sunflower, it was not the hue he would have chosen for this immaculate figure. He felt that blue, the blue of a cloudless sky, would be more suited to rival that of her haunted eyes.


I'd put the part about the essence of sunflower between dashes, just to show that it's really separate, because commas can denote a lot of things and it's a tad confusing.

She had a milkmaid's complexion; cheeks rouged by exhaustion, lips pouting in pink seriousness. Her crimson dress contrasted brilliantly, highlighting those features she commanded with grace.


Lovely description of the milkmaid's complexion. I'd put a colon instead of a semicolon though, just because it's a continuation of a previous idea as opposed to a related but unattached idea. Another note on description: you say that her dress contrasted brilliantly, but I think this could be expanded upon. Describe what brilliant contrast really means; not in the sense of contrast being two opposing things, but what it ends up doing. Let the idea of contrast affect you so that you can affect the reader. Maybe the contrast confuses peoples' eyes, maybe people have to look away, etc. These are examples of ideas that can be expanded upon in a sentence or two, but get the point across more vividly than the phrase "contrasted brilliantly"

Her fierce sapphire orbs, the tangled fire that was her hair, and most of all; the half-defined smirk of blooming ruby all inexplicably drew his gaze.


These are gorgeous incorporations of color without being overwhelming (as long as such color-laden sentences aren't found throughout the whole piece, generally)

I don't know if the last sentence is necessary. I think you could end with the sentences as-is: "He felt that without her he would be blind to the world’s faded beauty and not mourn. He would kill; he would murder for this perfection that was colour." and be as, or more, effective by understating it. Also, be careful of how many times you use the word "perfection" in the last paragraph (three, for the record). I think that the last one is a nice repetition, and I think one before that should be left in to set up the repetition, but maybe the first or the second one should be replaced to vary the pace a bit.

I almost wish I knew more of the girl after reading this; how did she respond to the boy and to her surroundings, etc. We see that something happens and the boy reacts, but the girl neither reacts to what has happened or to the boy's reaction, so it seems a bit one-sided and I think the whole thing could be a little more three dimensional if you included the girl a little bit more.

Nice work on the whole ^_^ PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia
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Postby GingerLizzy on Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:37 pm

Hehe, well to all you people who critiqued this, may I just say that it won my contest. ^^

By the way PennyPenguin [that is now what I shall call you ^^] this is a super piece and I think it really did deserve that 500 points.
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Postby PenguinAttack on Tue Oct 09, 2007 1:50 am

*blush* ohh Lizzy, hehe. ^.^

Thankyou all for your commentations, I shall be working on this piece as soon as I can... I have hopeful plans for extending it. All of the advice you guys have given will be a monumental help - of this I am already sure.


Thankyou once more all .


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Postby Sachiko on Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:05 am

This was a beautiful piece! Seeing as all the other critiquers before me have pointed out everything, there really isn't much I can say except that reading this makes me feel ashamed of MY work. Keep it up!

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Postby PenguinAttack on Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:10 am

^.^ Thank you dear :D

You should never be ashamed of your own work! Lol; I am a hypocrite and a half ehehe.

Thankyou once more!


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Postby PenguinAttack on Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:23 pm

U=U=U=Up Dated!


hehehe, please enjoy the fixed - up version ^.^


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Postby Leja on Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:49 pm

He had the sudden urge, the compulsion, to reach out and glide his fingers over the tangled auburn of her hair; he felt that if his hand came in full contact with it he would taint it.


So many "it"s make it vague after a while

. He had known for sometime of his black nature, the stain on his soul. To touch this beauty would be to sully her.


Coming right out to say that his soul is black, and to equate that with being bad, just seems cliche to me.

She was, of course, an imperfect specimen. Others in this room could surpass her easily. The beauty behind him, in particular, had eyes a solid green that challenged his own. Her tumbling blonde tresses fell, swiftly twisting, to her waist. She had a milkmaids complexion; cheeks rouged by exhaustion, lips pouting in pink seriousness. Her crimson dress contrasted brilliantly, throwing her pale skin into the forefront, and highlighting those features she commanded with grace.


There are so many "she"s in this paragraph that it's difficult to keep straight whether he's talking about the girl before him, or comparing her to the girl behind him. Same with "her" in the following paragraph.

:lightbulb: after reading a second time, I understand the last sentence better. Nice! I just wonder now why Color is compared to another girl? The one with the milkmaid's complexion? This part might be more effective if the other girl were defined with an absence of color: if she wore a white dress and had pale features, etc. Otherwise, I wonder why she's there.

Nice second draft!
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Postby Barrio on Fri Oct 19, 2007 12:56 pm

I have to agree with uhhm, Amelia with the whole black soul thing, very cliche and also very unsuited for this piece. But overall i think it was well done, original, flowing, colourful and slightly obscure.

It was written a tad odd, as in i didn't quite understand who the narrator was. I got that it was the guy, but if it was then how could he pinpoint all of the features on the girl behind him?

The last sentence with it's reference to colour was a bit odd, even if it was for a contest i think most readers would understand that it did have a lot to do with colour.

I think you should try and re-write this, maybe tone down the colour and add a thousand or more words to give it a plot, characters and make it a short story. It was good, really good.
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Postby Vernon on Fri Oct 19, 2007 4:15 pm

Hmm this confused me and personally seems to belong in romantic fiction more. I agree alot about black soul I never really grasped who the narrator was. I liked Barrio idea though to make it a short story because the colour thing confused me. This peice leaves me unsure and spelling mistake was "purist" to Purest. That's all sorry can't be more help heh.

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Postby lyrical_sunshine on Fri Oct 19, 2007 4:33 pm

Wow, awesome, awesome piece! It's so original and so full of...uh...color! lol. Really, the imagery is beautiful. But I did find some things that confused me or just misplaced commas and stuff. :D


The pristine blue of her eyes shone, encased in the pale porcelain of her skin. The cold perfection of that skin stretched across her face, broken, only briefly, by her glistening orbs. (I'm not really sure I like that..."orbs" seems a strange way to describe eyes. I guess that's just preference. *shrug*) Yet it was her mouth, those two shimmers of blushing ruby, which drew his gaze.

He had the sudden urge, the compulsion, (I'm not sure you need this, but again, that's preference) to reach out and glide his fingers over the tangled auburn [s]of her[/s] (you can take that out, i think) hair; he felt that if his hand came in full contact with it he would taint it. Even as he thought of this unforgivable sin, [s]his hand[/s] (he) reached forward, brushing past the tip of her ear, only to [s]have it[/s] retreat; hanging frozen in the air, never touching the glossy temptation.

He grinned at himself, his jade eyes sparkling with bitter mirth. He had known for sometime of his black nature, the stain on his soul. To touch this beauty would be to sully her. It seemed no beauty was immune to his touch, (since you just talked about "the beauty" and "his touch" this seems redundant. try rephrasing it.) from the purist dove to the darkest storm; [s]each [/s] (everything, maybe?) was stained by his sin. His grin slipped suddenly into the half-formed twitch of a well-used smirk, both sensual and dangerous on his shadowed lips. (what are shadowed lips? :? )

His hand slipped back, grazing [s]down [/s]the silky yellow of her dress. While it was a stunning yellow - one might take it for the essence of a pure sunflower - it was not the hue he would have chosen for this immaculate figure. He felt that blue, the blue of a cloudless sky, would be more suited to rival [s]that of[/s] her haunted eyes.

She was, of course, an imperfect specimen. Others in this room could surpass her easily. The beauty behind him, in particular, had eyes a solid green that challenged his own. Her tumbling blonde tresses fell, swiftly twisting, to her waist. She had a milkmaids (milkmaid's) complexion; cheeks rouged (ok, maybe i'm retarded, but i don't know what this means lol. and we don't usually associate exhaustion with beauty, do we? just a thought) by exhaustion, lips pouting in pink seriousness. Her crimson dress contrasted brilliantly (with what? if something's contrasting it has to contrast with someting), throwing her pale skin into the forefront, and highlighting those features she commanded with grace.

Yet he felt [s]her [/s] (she was) no true match to his smirking Madonna. He knew it was not [s]her [/s]perfection that he sought, he had achieved that time [s]over[/s] (and again), it was the experience that he needed. He had bartered for voice, paid for shape, stolen for personality, for intellect. For this wonderous feeling he would do more, he would travel to the world’s ends. (So cool! but you need a semicolon between "more" and "he".)

For he saw before him a new perfection, one that was neither hidden, (no comma!) nor apparent. It was for this new precedent that he would defy all his god’s laws, (< semicolon) for this paradise he would kill. Her fierce sapphire orbs, the tangled fire that was her hair, and most of all; the half-defined smirk of blooming ruby that inexplicably drew his gaze. These features that made her, that drew him, defined the utopia that came with sight. He felt that without her he would be blind to the world’s faded beauty and not mourn. (I don't really get this, can you clarify?) He would kill; he would murder for the perfection that was Colour.


I look forward to seeing more!
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