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Bella
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 Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: A Love Poem of Sorts |
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**A guy wrote this for me after we had been going out for about three months. I really like it, but he wants more opinions than just mine.**
Love came, and brought sorrow
Too soon in her train
Yet so sweet, that tomorrow
It was welcomed again
Those who call it dishonor
To bow to her flame
If their eyes looked upon her
They would blush while they blame
I say all pearls gained whiteness
After her birth
And all violets have gained brightness
As this angel grew on earth
No man for his glory
Can fully say he flies
But that wonderful story
Is told in her brown eyes. |
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Last edited by Bella on Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:16 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Prosithion
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| Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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It's very good, although I haven't much experience in love poems.
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Love came, and brought sorrow
Too soon in her train
Yet so sweet, tht tomorrow
It was welcomed again |
Fix up that.
The ABAB rhyme scheme is good, but it gets odd when read in the third stanza. change whiteness and brightness so that they don't have the same ending.
Other then that, I thought the poem was very well done.
Congrats, boyfriend of Writer_chick_13
Pros |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Heh, Pros (Ivan? Oo) liked it. ^_~ That's a good sign.
And I liked it too! The only thing I can really suggest is that he punctuates it, that would help it a lot.
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I say all pearls gained whiteness
After her birth
And all violets have gained brightness
As this angel grew on earth
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Like Ivan said, you could fix up whiteness/brightness. What if it was, "I say all pearls became white..."/"And all violets became bright..." The "ness" on the end of each word clogs up reading.
Otherwise, very beautiful. I wish someone had written me such a lovely poem! Compliments, to the lucky boy. |
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Lindsaroo
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| Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:30 am Post subject: |
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Awww I really like this.
Bella, you're lucky you got a guy as sweet as this. And of course he's lucky to have such a great girl. 
haha Anyways, it was a really nice poem and nicely put together. No complaints.
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 7:42 am Post subject: t |
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I think it was all right.
There is a spelling mistake over here
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Love came, and brought sorrow
Too soon in her train
Yet so sweet, tht tomorrow
It was welcomed again |
Say he did good, but I want to know, who did the breaking up? |
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friendofmike92
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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aw! i am such a romantic andd that poem is soo sweet.
it was very well written .. and it def shows how much he cares about you, especially when he wrote that you were an angel on earth, and that he could see himself in your brown eyes or suchh.
very good poem. you are very lucky. |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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That was very sweet, and the imagery was lovely. A few things I think could be improved, if your friend is so inclined:
1. Punctuation. A bit more punctuation would help the flow, and I'd recommend getting rid of the capitals at the beginning of each line and only having them after a full stop, as in prose, because it flows better.
2. The rhythm of the second stanza seems different from the first, so te line breaks etc. might need to be tweaked a bit.
3. "As this angel grew on earth" is out of sync with the rest of the verse. Try trimming it down.
4. I'm not really sure about that last stanza - it seems out of place, though it may be that I don't fully understand it. Either way, clarity would be good, and I think that might come with punctuation 
Overall, a charming poem.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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XXacidicbeautyXX
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| It was all good, except for that tiny spelling mistake |
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Blue Fairy
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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awww thats so sweet.
I loved it.
You must be lucky. 
Fairy |
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Church
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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| tell your friend it was good from Church...even though my status is quite low just leave the last part out ok |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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That was so sweet! But, I'm a helpless romantic, so I think everything's sweet.  lol Really, though, he did a great job with this. I can tell how much he likes you. ^_^
Wonderfully done, umm... umm.... Bella's boyfriend.  Hehe Bye!
~*Syd*~ |
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