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Fly like a bird
Fly like a bird

by kloka in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on September 22, 2007
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Red Honey

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Gadi.   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:55 pm    Post subject: Red Honey Reply with quote

In ecru tanks they travel through the lands

of roaring flax 

in arsenic search of machines 

that pump through crust hungrily.



The thunder echoes:

there is no rush of rain;

a soft reverberation at first, 

brushing through the sand, 

And then the massive machines cease

in the face of those Americas.



Clay-creased faces look up 

to the tanks, turn the sky lime. 

they stare with pixel eyes 

and yell sepia words full of fear: 

like a disease, it spreads.



The second rumble

ejaculated from the click of a rifle 

in the brown hands, almost black

repeats itself until the tanks raise their own fire

and death onto the crashing machines.



The shots ring through the indigo air

until a first man dies in obsidian

falls back from the tank

crimson jetting out in all directions

a scarlet stream through buff sands.



Screaming—

it ain’t over yet—

tanks hacking into metal

bullets tearing white skin

the Arabs are fearless

but they are full of black

Fear.



While the families in rich Florida villas cross their pale fingers

over their 60 blaring inches of azure Mediterranean conflict. 



They don’t know their men are off in the golden desert

in their little ecru tanks

still crimson from the fight,

red-turning-scarlet-turning-puce,

dead like the 8-year-old girl

the  Egyptians or Pakistanis raped and killed.



But still all the Arab men are dead,

and all the American men are dead, 

and the cars continue to roll

down Manhattan streets

the oil boiling in engines, smoke swirling to the sky.



All dead under sallow sun

because of our addiction. 



The children and wives in puke-green huts, 

still thinking the husband is pumping honey

from the ground.

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Last edited by Gadi. on Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:27 pm; edited 8 times in total
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Kyte   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG, nearly spilled it there. What a great use of color! It's so emotional too.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
In ecru tanks they travel through the lands
Of roaring flax
In search of arsenic machines
That pump through bistre crust hungrily.


Love the color imagery here; really makes a statement, juxtaposing violence with blandness like that. Maybe too many adjectives, though? You have a great grasp of the use of strong verbs and nouns, but there's really no need to preface each with an adjective! Sometimes trimming off those adjectives can actually strengthen your verse.

Quote:
The thunder echoes
There is no rush of rain
A soft reverberation at first,
Brushing through the sand,
And then the massive machines cease
In the face of those ecru Americas.


Your punctuation's a little wonky in this stanza. I'd suggest: a colon at the end of L1, and a semicolon at the end of L2; that should clarify the meaning. Also, I would completely scratch the word "ecru" out of the last line; you used it last stanza, and while normally that doesn't mean anything, to repeat such an odd word is going to distract the reader from your true meaning. I also think it strengthens it: "A soft reverberation at first, / Brushing through the sand, / And then the massive machines cease / In the face of those Americas." It has a nice rhythm, yes?

Quote:
Bole, creased faces look up
To the tanks, turn the sky lime
They stare with pixel eyes
And yell in sepia voices
Arabic words full of black fear
Like a disease it spreads.


I like that you're trying to use more unusual words for the colors, and more evocative ones--but when your readers have to look them up, you're probably not doing yourself any favors. Maybe replace "bole" with a synonym? Ones I found that might be of use: clay, brick, rust, umber, terra cotta, etc. You need punctuation at the end of L2, as well; I'd suggest a period. Also, you've gone on another adjective binge here: really, your images are strong enough without drowning them like that! Give yourself some credit and stop using your thesaurus as a crutch. Here's a suggestion:

Quote:
Clay-creased faces look up
To the tanks, turn the sky lime.
They stare with pixel eyes
And yell sepia words full of fear:
Like a disease, it spreads.


It's more concise, and--oops, I must go. I will return to this, promise. ^_^

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are some parts at which I think it could be a little less prosaic and a little more poetic. For example:

Quote:

While the families in rich Florida villas cross their pale fingers
over their 60-inch blaring full color TV screen
of azure Mediterranean footage


in the bolded part, I think you could say something like "60 blaring inches of azure Mediterranean footage. Then it's not as much of a straight -these are the facts- statement as a -this is what I see it as- statement. Something else to think about: do the people in Florida have pale fingers because they're too busy sitting inside watching TV to be tan, or was that just an oversight?

I think you could have done more with the color-imagery. It seems that it's just placed haphazardly as to what gets a special color and what doesn't; it might be stronger to make a statement of one side getting things described consistently with images like "puke green huts" and the other side with things described more with brighter colors like "azure Mediterranean footage". This is actually accomplished for a while, until "crimson jetting out in all directions/ a pink stream through buff sands/ screaming in sapphire" where the more military images were previously shades of black/brown.

By the end, I didn't know what you were trying to say. I see the point of people on both sides not knowing what's really going on, but I thought there might be something more? I think in general, things could be tighter.

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This thread was created on September 22, 2007

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