| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on September 20, 2007
  |
|
Topic ID: 20124
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 683
Reviews: 361
Country: Wunderbar!
385 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:13 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 21 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
~Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:55 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4980
Reviews: 1319
Country: England
278 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
You worry too much, my friend. I didn't fin the chapter particularly confusing and the soldiers were portrayed very well. I did find a few typos and I think I'd have preferred a little more of Annie and her sister but generally, I enjoyed it a lot. Here's your typos and some minor suggestions -
She felt around the camp, her mind spreading in a large circle to encompass the entire camp area.
Sighing, Mariamne pushed Annie's mass to the topsoil [Topsoil? Perhaps top saoil or towards the surface would sound smoother?], just two inches underground.
Mariamne followed then them across the camp to Dominic's tent, crossing a pair of misty fingers, hoping that none of them would notice her little green bridge she'd created earlier.
"Well, go on, like the King's Guard said. Get on with it." [I don't think he's the type to refer to himself in third person. Perhaps 'my guard' or 'Delucio' or maybe even 'the man' if you want him to sound more insolent.]
Overall, I love the switching of Annie and her sister and I'm very glad that both are now relatively safe with Seden and Mother. You have a great plot here, some brilliant characters and I think that Delucio's musings at the end is one of my favourite parts. When is he going to switch sides? |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Good job! I actually didn't find anything wrong with is  . I liked this section. The part with Mariamne was most interesting, and I like the insite into Dominic's character. Good job!
-Gman |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on September 20, 2007 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. - Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu
|
