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This thread was created on September 20, 2007
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Topic ID: 20124
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sokool15
“Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.”
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 Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:13 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 21 |
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Paper Wings, all torn and bent
You made me feel like they were Heaven-sent.
Paper Wings, not real at all
They took me high enough to really fall.
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:55 am; edited 1 time in total |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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You worry too much, my friend. I didn't fin the chapter particularly confusing and the soldiers were portrayed very well. I did find a few typos and I think I'd have preferred a little more of Annie and her sister but generally, I enjoyed it a lot. Here's your typos and some minor suggestions -
She felt around the camp, her mind spreading in a large circle to encompass the entire camp area.
Sighing, Mariamne pushed Annie's mass to the topsoil [Topsoil? Perhaps top saoil or towards the surface would sound smoother?], just two inches underground.
Mariamne followed then them across the camp to Dominic's tent, crossing a pair of misty fingers, hoping that none of them would notice her little green bridge she'd created earlier.
"Well, go on, like the King's Guard said. Get on with it." [I don't think he's the type to refer to himself in third person. Perhaps 'my guard' or 'Delucio' or maybe even 'the man' if you want him to sound more insolent.]
Overall, I love the switching of Annie and her sister and I'm very glad that both are now relatively safe with Seden and Mother. You have a great plot here, some brilliant characters and I think that Delucio's musings at the end is one of my favourite parts. When is he going to switch sides? |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
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greenjay
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Good job! I actually didn't find anything wrong with is  . I liked this section. The part with Mariamne was most interesting, and I like the insite into Dominic's character. Good job!
-Gman |
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| This thread was created on September 20, 2007 |
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