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This thread was created on September 17, 2007

June 14th

Topic ID: 20043

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Sumi H. Inkblot
happily in love with band (music is her boyfriend)
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:09 pm Post subject: June 14th

Today is June 14th, my birthday. I remember intricate shadows, forged by thrashing branches outside the window. Shivering and slithering across my limp form. I remember pleading with her – please take my life. I remember telling her – I can't exist as I do now. I am one and the world is all. From the earth we come and to the earth we return. Our bodies become soil to feed the plants; the plants feed the creatures of the earth. The humans and the dogs consume the gentle beasts that eat the plants. And they die and return to the soil. All is one and one is all. Return me to the earth, I begged her, my crippled form crumpled across the floor. Her face was tatter-veiled by the writhing shadows, and her eyes shone coldly upon my broken life, search-lights upon an empty sea. Are you ready to leave them behind? she asked me, her chilling voice silent and powerful against my gasping heart. Do I have a choice? I asked her. Deaths do not ask their charges if they are ready. You are not ready for the Separation, she whispered, kneeling over me, her spider-silk hair tickling my bleeding forehead. I wanted to shout at her – aren't I ready to die? I have no place here. My shell is maimed. My mind is dashed against the wall of madness. Please take me away from the pain and suffering. But blood came up and my eyes fluttered weakly as my failing lungs struggled to expel it. Her never-blinking eyes stared at me without melancholy, and her pale arms wrapped around my shaking torso. You are a creature of silence, she said, and she lifted me up slowly. I felt my torn life drift away from my body, and I was held by the Death, staring down at my useless husk: My eyes half-closed, blood mingling with my eyelashes and my bruised chest seizing to a halt. One is all and all is one, wise silence, she told me, cradling my fragile life. Will your entire being succumb to the circle of life on Earth? Will you be buried with your body and will new lives spring from your energy at the change of seasons? All is one and one is all, I told her. Already I felt the silent beings under the soil tugging gently on my life. They will not take you while I hold you, she said to me, still kneeling. Will you go with them? All is one: I am the one, they are the all, I replied. Let me become a beautiful tree. She smiled at me, and stood up, walking to the window, still shielding my life. She opened her mouth -- I sing to you, dark spirits beneath the earth, Keep this child Let her life flourish as it could never in her battered human time. Today is June 14th. I stand here, a graceful willow. Happy birthday to me. ______________ On crack, isn't it? For 'Lainna's "500 Words" contest. Anyway...I guess I was just fooling around with artistic terms or something.... >_> So the lack of ""s is for the....feel of the entire piece. It felt right. So if I've committed a faux pas, don't bother ""ing the entire thing, just tell me I should edit it. >_>" Hope you enjoyed! ~Sumi EDIT: Thanks, Azila. ^_^" Though as I was on a word-budget, some of your suggestions can't be made....I put the dialogue in italics. Thank you! ^_^ EDIT #?: Thanks guys! Every time I look at this I notice out of place sentences and all that stuff...ach, I hope this will be the final edit. o0 Thank you all very much! ^_^
_________________ If you believe in Bartemius, put him in your siggy!: @(^_^)@ Got YWS? Editing! Gerunds! Death! Last edited by Sumi H. Inkblot on Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:45 pm; edited 4 times in total

Azila
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:22 pm Post subject:

Quote:

Intricate shadows, forged by thrashing branches outside the window. Shivering and slithering across my limp form.

Should be "...the window, shiver and slither across my limp form."

Quote:

Today is June 14th, my birthday.

This isn't really needed, as you say it later on, but if you want it, I think it should be the opening line.

Quote:

I remember pleading to her – please take my life.

Should be "...pleading with her..."

Quote:

Return me to the earth, I begged her, my crippled form crumpled across the floor.

Should be "...I begged her. My crippled form lay crumpled across the floor."

Quote:

Are you ready to leave them behind?she asked me, her voice as silent and powerful against my gasping heart.

1)Make a space after the question mark and make the S in "she" upper-cased.
2) Delete the "as" before "silent."
3) Interesting description, but try to do more showing and less telling. What makes her voice so powerful? Ya?

Quote:

Please take me away from the pain and from the suffering.

Should be "...pain and suffering." It sounds better.
---

On the whole it was pretty well written. I think you might want to either make it a little more clear that it's a flashback (like make more happen in the present... you know, like before and after the flashback) or change the whole thing into present tense and not make it be a flashback.

I think ""s (as you put it) wouldn't be a bad idea, but you might want to make the dialogue italicized instead... yea, I think that would work well.

Also, who is "she"? Elaborate on that a bit more if you can. I know this might mess up your word count, but try to work with it. Wink

PM me if you've got questions!
~Azila

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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:30 pm Post subject:

Hello, I wanted to say that this was a very interesting and powerful piece of writing. Short, but nevertheless powerful and unique, and there doesn’t seem to be any problem with it. Alas, there goes my standart line-by-line critique. J Quote: Are you ready to leave them behind?she asked me, her voice as silent and powerful against my gasping heart. The times are bothering here, though it took me a good while before I realized exactly what it was. A bit up you have: “I remember pleading to her…” and then at the end: “Today is…”. Or is it my paranoia taking over? (Lol, could be, could be… One cannot exclude that…) Also, ‘her voice as silent and powerful’- as silent as powerful as what? It is not said. Either rephrase the sentence, or take out the ‘as’, depending on what exactly you wanted to say up there, One more thing: Space after the question, but that’s really a detail. That aside - the poem that She sings. Emphasize it, turn it into italics. Make it stand out more! My advice concerning the dialogue is the same, though I’m not as sure as I was with the first one. (While we are at dialogue, I wanted to say that it was a bit… chilling? Very nice.) Another thing - I think that repeating "Today is..." was a very good move. Something to do with the atmosphere of the whole text Yes, I enjoyed it, Keep up the good work, Elein
_________________ "I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe." -Jack Handy

Sumi H. Inkblot
happily in love with band (music is her boyfriend)
Epic Novelist

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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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350 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject:

Wow! ^_^ This is getting a lot of feedback quickly. Thank you so much! ^_^ And I see I have to edit again....0o oh well. Thank you again! ^_^ :edits it again: ~Sumi
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sokool15
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:39 pm Post subject:

Oh, wow. That was really good! Um, yeah, not a lot of helpful criticism here - look at what the other people said! heh heh. So yeah. Well, I guess this is just going to be one of those "great job, keep writing!" critiques that everybody hates, but here it is: Great job! Keep writing! I really did enjoy it. It was creepy, and really drew me in, made me keep reading. I like your whole thing about the life cycle, and how everyone feeds each other, etc. It was cool. Au revoir... ~Madame Kool
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Kim
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:16 am Post subject:

First off to be honest, i am not a good writer, but i love to read. Yes maybe some of the sentences had to much discription. But i loved it. The story line kept me going to the very end. My only complaint was that death was talking to the dark spirits to take care of you. That to me was unusual, i would think the light spirits would be the kind ones. But that is just me and has nothing to do with any thing wrong with your work. I like it very much. Keep going. I look forward to reading more of your work.

PenguinAttack
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:45 pm Post subject:

Lovely. You're just going to kick me out of the water arent you? (yay pirate allusion - water - I didnt think it was a good idea to continue priate talk when commenting 0.o) You really will. I hope you win the contest - regardless that I have an entry- =D yours means SO much more than mine did... although it's also on crack ahah. Arrr! a talented wench indeed. hearts Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.
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TL G-Wooster
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Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:06 pm Post subject:

Cool! No nitpick, sorry, but Azila already did a whizz-whizz pikthru. Very well writ, and very thoughtful. I didn't get what was happening until the last line, and it's good that way. How you doing in the contest?
_________________ NURSE: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth. BADER: You wouldn't get a chance, you'd be killed in the rush.

This thread was created on September 17, 2007	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on September 17, 2007

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