Topic ID: 19685
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Cold And Broken Halleluja
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 18
Country: YWS Forums
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:06 pm Post subject: Vampire |
 |
|
After reading the Twighlight series by Stephenie Meyer, I've been wanting to write something about vampires. It's short, I know, but please critique this! It would help me alot.
-
Spellbound by your stature
of darkness that will capture
my eye, forever more.
Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night
brings forth thoughts of magic lore.
With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past
and my heart beats nevermore. |
_________________
Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return*
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 292
Reviews: 142
Country: My United States of Whateva!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Twilight! XD Excellent book.
I like your poem... it's shmancy 
Good work... and stuff. |
_________________
You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
|
| Back to top |
|
EnchantressMuffin
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 428
Reviews: 193
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
Without the help of the title and your disclaimer, one wouldn't really know that you were talking about vampires.
Overall, it was pretty good. I haven't read Twilight, so I really couldn't say if it parallels it or not, though since I have read the book jacket and been told about it extensively by a friend, it does sound like this love bit is similar.
I would advise you to branch out on this. Tell us about this love, maybe give us some more reasons for it. Tell us about the characters or something. Just give a little more backbone to this.
Muffin |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
Ya bet yer boots?
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6874
Reviews: 1738
Country: Riverbluff, MO
562 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 3:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was OK. I don't like it because I feel like it's a real cheat off of The Raven with "[for] evermore" and "nevermore". You'll really want to change those lines. If you hadn't said this was about vampires, I probably wouldn't have known at all.
I don't really know what I think... The poem doesn't give much emotion or feel, no imagery. You also are doing all telling. I think that if you expanded it and added to it, it might actually become a good poem, because I do (kind of) like the last stanza, but as it is it is too short, and doesn't have enough in it.
Hope this helps! |
_________________
Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
-Young Frankenstein
What am I reading? |
|
| Back to top |
|
thething912
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 342
Reviews: 85
Country: America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 5:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it. |
_________________
Learn all about Japan at the Japanese culture club. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=197
Save the animals they're cool and cute *Points to coati picture*
Famous saying by mr. T that I live by "I pity the fool!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 781
Reviews: 318
Country: Ireland
350 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'd scrap the rhyme, as I think that it's restraining you. E.g, phrases such as "your romance of the night" sound a little awkward. If you like it and want to keep it, Id suggest suggest shortening the last two lines by a syllabyl each.
Claudette is right, it's not all that clear that this is about vampires, though I can see how it relates to "twilight".
You have some lovely phrasing here, but I would consider taking a different approach. It should liberate you more and make this more powerful. |
_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
|
| Back to top |
|
Misty
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 17 Jan 2005
Posts: 813
Reviews: 492
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 10:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This is actually quite good for your age. ^_^ I thought the imagery was nice. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Meep
♥less
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 1852
Reviews: 209
Country: Nutopia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 12:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
Like everyone else, I'm not sure I'd think of vampires right off if it weren't for the title and author's note, but I think that's okay. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone, I don't think.
I'll start off by saying that I'm miserable at structured poetry, so I don't know how much help I can be in that area, other than to say that it felt a little ... off? Something about the beat was not quite right, but I couldn't tell you what it was. I also second Claudette - the "ever more"/"nevermore" rhyme was a little strange, but I think that, taking into account the macabre theme of The Raven and of vampires, it isn't so bad. The one thing that really grated on my nerves was:
| Cold and Broken Halleluja wrote: |
With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past |
They don't rhyme.
Maybe it's cheating, but have you ever used a rhyming dictionary? It might be something to look at, although sometimes the rhymes are awkward at best and just not rhymes at worst.
That being said, I don't think this is a bad attempt at all!
(I'm going to link to this thread for good measure, although I think you've got at least some idea about how imagery works.) |
_________________
「… the closer you get to the light // the greater your shadow becomes …」
» temporary hiatus while I go back to school and get settled in again
» enter the "fangirl project" competition & win fabulous(?) prizes! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sythe
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 42
Country: USA
0 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey! I owe you a critique!
I thought that it was pretty good - but echoing the others - I couldn't understand what it was you were trying to make us feel. Because, frankly, I didn't feel anything. These were just words. Just simple words with an OK rhyme.
Extend this. Make us feel the things that you've felt. I've read the Twilight books. They were pretty good. So yeah.
:Sythe: |
_________________
Stars 1
The Utopian Dream
Abductions |
|
| Back to top |
|
Maki-Chan
Roar!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 1802
Reviews: 214
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| well i saw it deserves a 9/10. It was awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ |
_________________
Everybody has problems, but the ones who deal with them instead of complain are the ones who'll change the world- by: me ^_^
go to http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/name_generator.php for stuff ^_^ |
|
| Back to top |
|
aestar101
No Soup for You!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 642
Reviews: 130
Country: atop a cloud
187 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
| That was passonate. I loved it. Nothing wrong, I think. |
_________________
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cold And Broken Halleluja
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 18
Country: YWS Forums
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thank you for the complements. I do see now it needs some work. The critiquing was much appreciated  |
_________________
Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
|
| Back to top |
|
WriterAddict12356
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 32
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| so deep. That was marvelous. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
selenasacuna
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 52
Reviews: 20
Country: imagination
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i liked it but, i agree with everyone above. you need to lengthen it and give more detail to thierl ove
Spellbound by your stature (whose the man, woman?)
of darkness that will capture
my eye, forever more. (ok why deos the stature make the person spellbound?)
Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night (rythming is good but you don't always need it)
brings forth thoughts of magic lore.
With struggled breaths, I grasp
what was unkown of your past
and my heart beats nevermore( ok what just happened did the person die? give us the details)
i hope this helps you you have real potential
selena |
_________________
98% of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
selena
also I have a confession I am obsessed with vampires ~selena |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Samurai123321
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 27 May 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved the Twilight books and can't wait for the fourth one. ^_^
Here's what I have to say about this poem. I really liked it. THough it was rather short, but that's probably for the best. I don't know how people can write poetry. I was never good at it, and never will be. *Sigh*
My favorite part was....
*Your absense in the light
and your romance of the night*
It rhymes, and I like rhyming. Its also has a good choice of words. ^_^
Bravo! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
