Topic ID: 19643
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Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist
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616 Points
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 Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 2:08 pm Post subject: An Ode to Me |
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I am so sure that out there,
many do dream to be as fair
as me, as handsome as me,
but I am afraid to say that
such aspirations could never be.
(And when this empty
façade falls from my
face, peeled away as
dead skin from a wound,
I am me.)
And as you doubtlessly know,
I am the high, and you the low;
but despite your existence
in the dark shadow of my life,
you are still a step above a dunce:
of course you could never be
quite as smart as I, for you see,
such a great person does dwell
in cerebral lands far above
the austere home of your average Hell.
(The Heaven of life,
of wits and knowledge,
is as far from my
reach as the apple
was from the serpent:
could you be my Eve,
can I live through you?
I pretend to be
greater, but alas,
I am not.)
Perhaps, in time, you could be
a fraction of that which makes me.
(Do you not see through
my meaningless boasts?)
But even one as mellow
as I may hold a secret, and
despite myself, I dread you to know,
(this is not me.) |
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The Broken.
-- Chapter One
-- Chapter Two |
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TL G-Wooster
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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| How conceited is this???? Only you could write something like this, Sureal, and get away with it. ^_~ "An Ode To Me"... LOL. |
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Suzanne
Ya bet yer boots?
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 2:40 am Post subject: |
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Hehe, you pull of navel gazing in a superb way, Sureal. I loved the allusion to Genesis, and the way the self centeredness was really a hiding place, almost. Or so it seemed. The person is requesting for someone to see that it isn't really him, to see past all his front--a very human request. Beautiful.
I had a little shiver after s2. It was grand. |
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What am I reading? |
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:31 am Post subject: |
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Hey Sureal!
I've been meaning to comment on this since it first caught my eye on the recent post page yesterday. This was one of the most marvelous pieces I've ever read! I absolutely adored the "will you be my Eve?" part. It just was...gorgeous!!!
Write more poetry, please. You're one of the people on this site I would read any poetry by. Awesome, awesome job!
Wiggy  |
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Misty
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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Surreal...this is a laugh, entirely, and reasonably well written. It flowed pretty nicely and the rhyming was genearlly pleasant. 
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I pretend to be
greater, but alas,
I am not |
I pretend to be greater, but alas, I am not.
I like this when I read it as a typo, that is, "I pretend to be great, but alas, I am not."
It's just two letters (er), and I never liked those letters anyway, so I think you should change it.
^_^ |
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Evangelina
Principessa della terra
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Hehe, good job, Sur! I was iffy at first, but after I got into it, viola~ a masterpeice! |
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Livinginfantasy
Timmy FTW!
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1636 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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WOW! 
This is great! you pulled it off with such grace, I almost forgot you were being conceited.
After re-reading it, I noticed the little message in between the lines. Wow, I've been here a couple of days and I'm already impressed! |
Last edited by Livinginfantasy on Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:33 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ
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618 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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| You are incredibly pumped. But if you show your brattiness to the world in such stimulating poetry, then your sins may be forgiven. I applaude you. |
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Darkhalm7_Melissa
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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This was great! Anymore words to describe it? Of course yet to many to list!
God I just started here and I already love this stuff!
D7M  |
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xhalcyonx128
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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The way you piece together your bragadotious claims and your inner thoughts is wonderful. At first I thought, "How narcasistic!" but after the fifth stanza it all fell into place. My thoughts are that its a beautiful plea to the reader/a friend/a lover to look beyond an egotistical facade into the author's soul.
Now! Onto the critiques. Let's see if there's any way we can make this even better.
I am so sure that out there,
many do dream to be as fair
as meI am, as handsome as me,
but I am afraid to say that
such aspirations could never be.
(And when this empty
façade falls from my
face, peeled away as
dead skin from a wound,
I am me myself again.)
And as you doubtlessly know,
I am the high, and you the low;
but despite your existence
in the dark shadow of my life,
you are still a step above a dunce:
the last three lines dont seem to fit into the rhyme scheme
of course you could never be
quite as smart as I, for you see,
such a great person does dwell
in cerebral lands far above
the austere home of your average Hell.
I hate to cut out austere, but try reading it outloud with those corrections - i think it sounds better - but overall its your call.
(The Heaven of life,
of wits and knowledge,
is as far from my
reach -as the apple
was from the serpent -
could you be my Eve,
can I live through you?
I pretend to be
Olympian, yet...
I am notfail.)
Take the corrections as you like them. The parenthasis don't seem to have much rhythm or rhyme associated with them, but perhaps I'm simply missing it.
Perhaps, in time, you could be
a fraction of that which makescomposes me.
(Do you not see through
my meaningless boasts?) LOVE this line
But even one as mellow
as I may hold a secret, and
despite myself, I dread you to know,
(This is Not Me.) I doubt you'll want to make this change, but the captials could draw emphasis to the importance of the final line - sortof like headlines in an article. It's a thought, but it's your call.
Don't hesitate to pm me if you have any questions. |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow...this is just as bad as the 'i love me rooms' of many English houses and other forms of being downright pompous in the worse of ways. Though it was so crazy it was funny, but like what was said above, some bits don't flow to well. |
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Ailam Remard
Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:18 am Post subject: |
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Dude that was pretty awesome. It was all concieted and fascist and big headed but you totally made it all good at the end. I really like you for some reason, OMG I'm such a looser!
Luvs! -Malia |
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Mayfyre
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:31 am Post subject: |
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I absolutely loved the idea and it was pulled off well. Some bits were not really flowing quite right, but you getting there.
"...for you see,
such a great person does dwell
in cerebral lands far above
the austere home of your average Hell. "
That was just brilliant, great wording, great flow.
There was very little I didn't like. On of the things is that bit:
"I pretend to be
greater, but alas,
I am not"
That was just unnecessary telling. It would have been much more effective to show it somehow. That is also my main negative point about the poem:
It would have been more interesting if it would have just been a sort of narcissistic "ramble", but then there is just a glimpse of the self doubt etc, instead of really outlining it.
I think the great atmosphere of the poem is destroyed a bit by that.
But nevertheless, very well done, I liked the idea and most of how you pulled it off Keep writing |
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To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill. |
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Juncboks
Novice
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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I actually like this poem. I'm not sure everyone else caught that last line.
I would ahve to say that the beginning had me shocked at it's audacity yet was quickly pulled back into it's words in the fifth stanza.
Brilliantly created and brilliantly expressed. |
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What is poetry? I first had thought it was the language your heart used to try and express itself. Am I wrong? Does your heart have punctuation? I don't really know, but my heart seems to; so I'll just follow its lead. |
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tensazangetsu329
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: well |
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| Are you always egotistical or is this your first time? Anyways, it has nice words, a bit wierd though. Your work is kind of selfish a bit. I hope you can write more in the future that isn't as self-confining as this is. You have the potential, your pencil is the key, your paper is the world. Make it yours. Good luck |
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