Topic ID: 19689
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
Master of the Forum
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1767
Reviews: 257
Country: England
380 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:01 pm Post subject: Sparkles |
 |
|
This started off as a very short story back on TYWC, and I have had it for a long time. It's rather undeveloped and needs a lot of work (it's about 16,000 words), but I haven't shown anyone this yet for constructive criticism, so anything you can tell me will be helpful. In return, I will give as many points as I can afford, and critique anything you want.
The story is about a man who is having problems with a girlfriend he feels he can't trust, and expenses he can't pay, until one day a friend gives him an offer he can't refuse. Rated R for strong language and violence. |
_________________
Matt.
Get your poetry critiques here!
Have I given you a helpful critique? Clicky here! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sam
sister socrates
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4791
Reviews: 1236
Country: oslo in the summertime
726 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, Matt!
I don't think I've ever critiqued anything of yours before, so this should be fun. ^_^ I'll download in a little while and should get some comments back to you pretty soon-I absolutely adore critiquing novels, even if it does take me a long time to get around to it. -_- If you feel it's been a long time and I haven't sent you comments, feel free to poke me. I'm quite the procrastinator.
Anyway, see you around! |
_________________
FAN: Do you have an avatar--you know, one of those online personality things?
CRAIG FERGUSON: Oh, God, I don't even have one of those in-life personality things. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dreamer
Living up to her name
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 628
Reviews: 127
Country: 3781 Mars Ave, Luna, Milky Way. ( I moved)
412 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 12:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yay!
Another novel for me to critique when I get my laptop back! Hope this forum sticks around long enough....
Really, though. Can't wait to read it! |
_________________
Take a trip to Cloud Nine and buy an awesome book while you check out the backup of the one thing none of us can live sanely without. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Phelps and Lochte Phorever! <3
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8308
Reviews: 2090
Country: USA
3072 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 4:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
So much for advanced critiques... I read over nine pages (so far!) and instead of giving a critique, I'll just ask questions.
1. Did she leave it in the trash can/bin on purpose? If I were her, I would probably hide it or do something else with it so that he doesn't see it. So she's either really stupid or kind of a bitch.
2. Why is he still hitting on her even though she's five years his senior? One would think he would lay off. Or maybe I missed something.
3. When Tom's in front of them, is their conversation (between Jimmy and Mark) staged? Why would Mark say such things, in front of Tom, so readily? Or did I miss something and Tom was away when that conversation happened?
4. Why would Mark confide into Jimmy so easily when it appears that they haven't contacted each other for years? Doesn't he think things might have changed?
5. Why does Mark reveal that he killed a man? Is he serious or is he just trying to brag? At the moment, it sounds like he's just trying to brag, because if he were really a killer at some point, then I would think that he would consider killing Tom. And he only thinks about that when Jimmy is around. A little too staged, if you ask me.
6. Why does Jimmy tell Mark about the hitman job so quickly? As it is, it looks like he's setting him up. Maybe he's an undercover cop working for this? But he seems to believe Mark a little bit too easily, so I'm guessing it's a set up.
7. Mark thinks that Lydia will be jealous. But she isn't jealous. In fact, her emotions are slightly flat. Is she jealous or is there something else going on? Why does she give up so easily?
8. When Mark tells Lydia that this is for their future children, I expected Lydia to have some sort of reaction to these words. But she didn't. Perhaps she's staging something for Mark?
As it is now, it looks like a huge set up or conspiracy against Mark. But who knows!
I shall read more later. At the moment, I'm on part 5. |
_________________
Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3152
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
320 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 1:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I have this downloaded to my computer, Matt and I may get to reading it this afternoon. If not, I'll get to it next weekend. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3152
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
320 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
So, I found some time a little earlier than I expected to.
I read the whole thing this afternoon and commented as I went. If you have any questions about my comments, feel free to ask. I hope this helps!
My edit is in the attatchment. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
EnchantressMuffin
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 428
Reviews: 193
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:30 am Post subject: |
|
|
I have to run, so I'll make this quick.
So, a note about the ending:
Her husband is turning into a hit man. Isn't it a bit thick of her to go and hide out in a place where there is nobody? He was angry, he was crazy. Why didn't she find other people? Seek protection? Go to Tom? There are so many more options, better options, that she could have taken. She seems smart, doesn't seem like the sort of girl who's dumb enough to do what she did - it goes against the character development you've been setting up from the beginning.
Also, it was pretty obvious that she was going to be killed by him. I wasn't expecting the knife through the mouth - which sort of creeped me out - but it was absolutely certain in my mind that he was going to kill her from less than halfway through.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
starrynight89
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Posts: 121
Reviews: 55
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 5:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey I downloaded your story and will get back to you soon!  |
_________________
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” |
|
| Back to top |
|
LoveableLittleSock
Somebody who has an irrevocable hate for commas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 431
Reviews: 149
Country: United States of America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
SO... F******... SUSPENSEFUL. I could not tear my eyes away.
The style you wrote in made the story easy and simple to read, therefore not confusing in the least. You made us very informed about what Mark was thinking and what he intended to do.. very nice.
I gasped when he killed Lydia. I sat up straight as I was like, "OMFG!!! NO!! She was a bitch but she was cool!!!"
Great job, all in all. A few grammatical errors here and there, but I enjoyed it a lot.
At the end I noticed that a 'sparkle' was a knife?
Cute. |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absoloutely free?
A Loveable Little Contest... (Ends Aug 5) |
|
| Back to top |
|
gingerheartsyou
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 4
Country: that place between sleep and awake, where you can still remember dreaming
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Well, it was less grammar than I expected to do. Some things, though, stood out and I suppose they are just continental differences. For example, when you listed something, it was listed as:
Milk, eggs, butter and chocolate
As I have been taught, and I have read (with the exception of older classics), it is written:
Milk, eggs, butter, and chocolate
Also, when you had a - in a sentence and it wasn't connecting two words, you tended to not put a space behind it like:
I knew two things about him, that his name was Mr. Frank Gadsby-Frankie to friends-and he had an infectious laugh I couldn't ignore.
Again, as I have read and been taught, there is a space directly following it, and it should read:
I knew two things about him, that his name was Mr. Frank Gadsby- Frankie to friends- and he had an infectious laugh I couldn't ignore.
Snoink- you have to remember, he was quite drunk when he was talking to Jimmy for the first time in the story. |
_________________
"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better.
-George E. Woodberry |
|
| Back to top |
|
krazykoreandevil
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 9
Country: This is my kingdom
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
this was intense and...very...violent. 0.0
well written but not my particular type. Violent man, this mark. well done job, kudos to you! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
gingerheartsyou
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 4
Country: that place between sleep and awake, where you can still remember dreaming
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
My edit didn't go through so I am going to try to PM it to you if that's all right?
*nevermind, it did go through, I just couldnt see it! No worries! |
_________________
"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better.
-George E. Woodberry |
|
| Back to top |
|
Zalex
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Jan 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 25
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Amazing |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
oneeyedunicornhunter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 119
Reviews: 76
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 12:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
well, i can certainly relate to wanting to kill loved ones once in a while 
not bad, but not really my style. i found it kind of dry at places, and a tad confusing at the beginning, but at least that cleared up. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 281
Reviews: 88
Country: Where US elections and election enthusiasts won't bother me...
392 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This started out real well. It in fact reminds me a lot of my first real novel, Rosko, which I wrote last year. Very similar characters. Dysfunctional protagonist. It's an admirable story so far. But the one thing I think should be fixed is the fact that Mark told Lydia that he was thinking about Jimmy's offer in the first place. It felt slightly unrealistic to me. Maybe you could put it in words that won't give away what he was thinking exactly, or something like that. And Lydia would not have hesitated to call the cops right away if she has learned her lover was going to kill someone. Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems unrealistic to me.
Otherwise, the story works out quite well. Reminds me of No Country For Old Men, for some strange reason that I can't figure out.
And one last thing; you might want to consider double spacing your work so that it is much easier for others to critique... |
_________________
We can't stop here. This is bat country!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
