Topic ID: 19514
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5341
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1156 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 3:45 pm Post subject: Our Beach |
 |
|
Our Beach
Bring your children to our critical beach.
Release them. Let them wander through the grains
of scorching sand and wade through waist high water.
Observe these stones scattered in their path.
Spiked surface pierces tender flesh, a crimson stain
to lure the sharks.
Here at this beach may any stranger lurk
and scrutinise our children; hair, eyes, nose.
Here other parents find fault with details
that mean everything to us:
our children, our legacy.
Must they be rewritten, moulded to
society standards?
We allow the sharks to shred our children
that we may attempt again to succeed.
Shred away my sharks, shred away. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Last edited by Kitty15 on Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:06 am; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7086
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1137 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
*squee* Heather, you realize how upset I am? All this time, and I never knew how brilliant you were.
I'm only iffy with some spots on punctuation, so let me go over that.
| Quote: |
| Here, at this beach, may any stranger lurk |
the commas around "at this beach" bother me. I would suppose it is an aside--I can't remember the actual term--so that when you take it out the sentence still makes sense, "Here may any stranger lurk" and it does, but for some reason that line bothers me. Perhaps it interrupts the flow?
| Quote: |
Here other parents find fault with details
that mean everything to us.
Our children.Our legacy. |
The fact that "Our children. Our Legacy." has periods bothers me to no end. I almost want to rewrite it: Here other parents find fault with details that mean everything to us: our children, our legacy. How would that do you?
Alright, now for the ramble. This was spectacular. Some of the lines were a bit odd (critical beach?) but that only made it better, because it was also unique. I got so excited at the end, "No, it isn't a poem about how we allow society to change our children because the world is now vain, it is about writing." I was thrilled at my revelation, to say the least.
Though I love the whole idea, I don't like how direct this line is: We post our work here, on this club,/to learn from our mistakes. I much more prefer a poem that doesn't outright explain to you what the meaning is, I prefer to hunt for it (like a shark hunts it's victims?) and so being so obvious and flat out saying, "I'M TALKING ABOUT WRITING, HERE, ON YWS!" just drives me up a wall. I'm sure you could take out the lines--or change them? A poem should be about the reader's interpretation of the writers meaning, in a way that each reader sees it how they want. If you got rid of that section, the reader could make his own ideas--and either way, it's a beautiful poem, isn't it?
| Quote: |
| Shred away my sharks, shred away. |
Ah, superb way to end a poem.
(I know; I'm working backwards now)
| Quote: |
Rough surface pierces tender flesh, a crimson stain
to lure the sharks. |
I love the visuals here--it reminds me of when I've gone to beaches and cut my feet, which is probably why this is such a good part. But "rough"...? It doesn't work for me. Sharp? or more creative than sharp, but still, you cut yourself with sharp, not rough.
Bravo? It's really the only other thing I can think to say. Oh, keep it up, that as well. |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5341
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1156 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I didn't mean to upset you Clau but I'm so glad you actually liked it. I was rather worried about this one which is why I've sort of held it back (I wrote it more than a month ago) but I'm so glad that I worked up the courage to post it.
I'll happily change that punctuation for you. It's strange actually. I had the 'Our children. Our legacy' bit without the periods initially but then I added them in as I was typing it up.
And the end part was a recent addition too. I tend to panic when I write pieces like this because I'd hate it if people missed the metaphor but you're right, it's very unecessary.
Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to read my work! |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 800
Reviews: 319
Country: Ireland
432 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow.Just give me a moment to get over the sheer brilliance of this, then I might actually be able to say something constructive...
Ok. I'd take out "I am right, aren't I?" because I think that it weakens the poem, but other than that I just love this so much that I couldn't bear to suggest any changes.This is amazing. I love the double meaning, I love the phrasing and the metaphors and the imagery and the enjambment, and how you isolated the last line.
This is seriously good. Love it, love it, love it. (In case that didn't come across!) |
_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7086
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1137 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Reading the edits. 
| Quote: |
We allow the sharks to shred our children
that we may attempt again to succeed.
We will salvage what we can and then re-build.
I am right, aren't I?
Would you not prefer the latest model
to this first, fragmented draft?
Shred away my sharks, shred away. |
So, this is a dramatic cut. But I think if you cut out ALL of that, than ended with the one line, "Shred away..." it would only make the poem more powerful. The "I am right..." does take away from the poem, like Jasmin said, and then the rest of the lines made me feel like you were still trying to pound the meaning into us, and trying too hard to add lines that made sense. I think it would be good if you just cut them, but again, just my opinion. ^_~ |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 1944
Reviews: 752
Country: Where the wild things are.
521 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
I find this piece interesting, but not exactly poetic. The phrases are blunt, commanding; they seem like more of a stream-of-consciousness, slightly edited rant than a poem to me. It's too dramatic and a thinly veiled outburst at society. So. It's interesting, and well-constructed, but it does not appeal to me as a poem. Good luck next time!
-Colleen  |
_________________
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
|
| Back to top |
|
GingerLizzy
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 1077
Reviews: 461
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Not bad, I liked the depth of it and for once, I understood a poem that had depth to it. That's a change.
I liked the structure and your punctuation was fine - unlike my own most days - and I think this piece flowed really well. The imagary was exquisite and very orignal, like a piece of art and it was an enjoyable read.
Well done. |
_________________
Worship the ginger monkey aaand join my new group!
Oh, and enter my new contest! |
|
| Back to top |
|
iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return*
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 292
Reviews: 142
Country: My United States of Whateva!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
*gasp* Don't let the sharks get the poor children!!! ...but I digress.
I liked this. It was really creative. I opened it expecting to read some poem about a nice beach and the nice waves and the nice sand and the nice sun and the nice fishies... etc. But you surprised me with this whole scary sharks thing. I especially love the last line. It makes me feel like the people who invited me to the beach want me dead. ^_^ woot, go emotion. Go YOU! |
_________________
You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kyte
Fantasy guru
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1052
Reviews: 409
Country: Somewhere in Florida
91 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| So, yeah, this was a little (draws a breath) off-beat. The form, I thought, was more like a travel brochure at the start. It's just, well, prosy. The rest was well done. |
_________________
Oh, the humanity!
Black Cat Sachiko
We are the Folk, and tonight we speak in one voice of the deeds of all.
Tailchaser's Song |
|
| Back to top |
|
Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 994
Reviews: 394
Country: under the covers
190 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 7:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
HAHA!
Amazing. I read it twice--the first time it was funny and confusing--though not as deep as I now see it. It's much more intriguing, and, well, beautiful, now that I have my own opinion of what this poem means.
The only trouble I have with this poem, I have no idea how to fix.
"Here at this beach may any stranger lurk
and scrutinise our children; hair, eyes, nose.
Here other parents find fault with details
that mean everything to us:
our children, our legacy.
Must they be rewritten, moulded to
society standards? "
This is basically the philosphical part, but it adds another dimension to the poem that really makes it puzzling on first read. The strangers--they are completely different from the sharks or the beach. And it's all too unbeachlike.
PM me if you understand what I mean.
But overall, this was great. Interesting, enjoyable, deep, full of allusions to America and much, much more subtle hints about society. Great, awesome, (and somewhat hilarious) poem. |
_________________
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
|
| Back to top |
|
M.B.Author
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 214
Reviews: 187
Country: At the Cullen's home playing with Rensemee
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow! The depth and true meaning of this poem is paralizing!
Very well done. I am speechless. I give it a thumbs up!
But I am already scared of sharks, why did you have to post this? *cries*
-- M.B.Author |
_________________
Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
-- Proverbs 19:20 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5341
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1156 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks for the comments everyone, you've all been very helpful! |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Audy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 156
Reviews: 53
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Lol, I saw this and I'm like, 'okay a poem about a beach'
Then I read it and I'm thinking...'no a deep poem about society' -- but when I read the last line, it didn't make sense to me. Then I wondered about your word choice...'critical beach' but as I read it twice and read some of the previous comments, I noticed that it was about writing! xD
I read it the second time and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I cannot think of anything to improve upon, I think it's really really good! |
_________________
"When writing a novel, that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: 'House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day.'"
-- Neil Gaiman |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
