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Angel
Angel

by zeppy♥yozora in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 12, 2007
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The Fallen Angel
The Broken -- Chapter One -- First Draft
Pandora's Tears - Chapter One - Demons
Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 1
Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 2
The Broken -- Chapter One
The Broken -- Chapter Two

Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 3
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:24 am    Post subject: Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 3 Reply with quote

Chapter One

(Part 1.)

(Part 2.)

3.

Once Tess had bought another drink - which had been almost disappointingly easy; even though she was only sixteen, and looked it, the bartender had had no qualms about selling her alcohol - the two of them descended the stairs from the dancehall, and passed out through the double doors of the entrance.

They weren’t the only ones who had decided it might be good to get some fresh air. It looked as though almost a quarter of the entire party hung about outside, spread thinly across the area, covering the grass lawns that stood in front of the hall.

Quiet chattering, broken by the occasional bark of laughter, hung in the still air. The smell of smoke - and another, less legal substance - wafted about. Nearby, a main road trailed by. And even at this late hour, cars drove down it at irregular intervals, their headlights adding to the streetlamps, bathing the pavement, the well cut grass, the path leading up to the hall, and the teenagers in a dull glare.

On the other side of the road stood a number of flats. Tess wondered how they were coping with the noise blaring from the hall. Even outside the building it was still loud, and what’s more, it was also garbled. No enjoyment could be derived from the miscellaneous beatings and uneven tunes that managed to escape past the walls.

Walking from the cover of the doors, Tess’ eyes roved among the huddles of teens. Unusually, she felt loathe to join any of them. The lethargy that had been dragging her down all night refused to go away. And even though she tried to force a smile onto her face and a bounce into her step, inside she still just yearned to lay down and go to sleep.

She looked down at her drink. ‘You’re meant to make feel happier,’ she told it quietly.

‘You know,’ a voice said from beside her, ‘I’ve never actually tried talking to my drinks before.’

Tess looked up and to her left, recognising the voice. A guy from her form group - what was his name again? Tom? - was stood next to her, a light smile on his face. He held his hands up. ‘I know, it’s crazy I’ve never tried it before.’

Was he mocking her? It didn’t seem like it, although the pleasant tone and expression could just be a subtle façade.

‘Yeah well, now’s your chance,’ she said.

The guy peered into his half drunk beer. ‘Alright there, mate?’ When the beer failed to reply, he looked up again, and noticed Sarah for the first time. ‘Hey, Sarah! Haven’t seen you in a while.’

‘Urgh, hi, Tommy,’ Sarah mumbled back. Tess took a sip of her drink to hide the smile that had forced itself onto her face. Sarah was generally rather shy with other people - boys in particular.

‘How’re you doing?’ Tommy asked Sarah. ‘You know, I haven’t seen you since I dropped down a set in science.’

Tess felt herself slipping out the conversation as Sarah gave her nervous reply. Her gaze wandered, bored, around the scene. There wasn’t a lot to see. It was all the same, usual, uninspiring happenings that greeted her at every party: teenagers stood in huddles, chatting. She yawned, briefly wondering if she only found it boring because of the lethargy swilling around inside her.

Through the white-noise of the conversations, a single word stood out:

‘Tesss.’

She glanced at Sarah and Tommy, but they were still in their awkward conversation, discussing an old teacher they had shared. Certainly, Tess’ name didn’t fit into the subject. And besides, the voice hadn’t sounded like Sarah. It had been harder, harsher, but still feminine.

No one else seemed to be near enough to have said it though. She frowned, wondering if she had simply misheard something Sarah said, or perhaps imagined the voice altogether.

And then Tess collapsed.

Her body crumpled like a rag doll, dropping to the floor with a meaty crunch. She was still trying to work out who may have said her name - the numbness enveloping her body too fast to fully comprehend - when her head came into contact with the concrete steps.

Black.

But not unconscious.

Darkness. Surrounded by darkness.

Slowly, the sense of her body return, and she realised that she was no longer laying sprawled on the ground, but rather, was standing. But there was not a sound to be heard, nor any sight to see. It was like she had been blindfolded and left in an empty cell.

Fear gradually worked its way through Tess’ body, starting in her chest and then creeping into all her extremities. Piece by piece, her body shivered more as horrible thoughts surfaced in the ocean of her mind.

Maybe she was dead, killed by the blow to the head. Perhaps this was some sort of afterlife.

Maybe she was dying, not yet completely dead, and this was her body shutting down.

Maybe she was in a coma; maybe she would never awake.

Maybe she was blind and deaf, struck so by the fierce blow, and was really in a hospital surrounded by a family helpless to comfort her.

Her chest felt too tight, too small for her lungs as they gasped for air. She felt sick too. Never before had Tess known terror like this. She lowered herself to the ground, crouching. As she clutched at herself, she felt bare flesh riddled with goose bumps, and she realised she was completely naked.

A whisper echoed in the darkness:

‘Tesss…’

Even enveloped by fear, she recognised the voice. It was the same one that had said her name seconds before she collapsed. Rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet, her blind gaze frantically searched the darkness. The sense that she was about to vomit increased. Desperate cries for help filled her mind, Oh God, oh God! Someone help! Help! Please, please, please! Someone! Help me! But she dared not open her mouth to utter her thoughts, fearing the worst from whoever had said her name. The hour-long seconds trickled past, and nothing happened, nothing was said.

Something brushed her arm.

And then Tess screamed.

(And that's the end of Chapter One. ^_^

Although, I can't help but feel I went a little over the top at the end there...

Anyways, opinions, everyone? Your advice helps me make my writing not bad.)


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 3:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 3 Reply with quote

I feel like maybe you *did* go over the top, if only a touch.

Quote:

On the other side of the road stood a number of flats. Tess wondered how they were coping with the noise blaring from the hall. Even outside the building it was still loud, and what’s more, it was also garbled. No enjoyment could be derived from the miscellaneous beatings and uneven tunes that managed to escape past the walls.

Your first three chapters of description are great, but for some reason I feel like a fourth paragraph without any action breaks the flow of the piece. The sentence I italicized sounds a little awkward to me; I think it's because of the "and what's more" phrase - it's sort of jammed in the middle.


Quote:

Unusually, she felt loathe to join any of them.

I'm almost sure you meant "loath," unless it's different from US spelling. Loathe is the verb meaning "to hate" while loath is the adjective meaning "unwilling".


Quote:

The guy peered into his half drunk beer.

Okay, I had to giggle at this part because it sounded like his beer was drunk - as in, the beer was tipsy. Laughing

Quote:

Her body crumpled like a rag doll

I don't have a problem with comparing things to rag dolls, but a lot of people will probably tell you it's a cliched comparison. Personally I don't mind it because there aren't a lot of things that have the kinetic traits of rag dolls - how else are you going to describe it? The only thing I have an issue with here is the "crumpled" - from my experience, rag dolls don't really crumple, they sort of... flop. I think of things like newspapers and jackets as the sort of things that crumple. That's just me.


Quote:
Black.

Okay, from here on it gets a little funky. The detached lines... some of them have impact, others seem a little excessive.

Quote:
Desperate cries for help filled her mind,[/i] Oh God, oh God! Someone help! Help! Please, please, please! Someone! Help me! [i]But she dared not open her mouth to utter her thoughts, fearing the worst from whoever had said her name. The hour-long seconds trickled past, and nothing happened, nothing was said.


I have to admit that I'm not really a fan of the italics and the fact that your style completely changes at this point. The part where she's oh-god-please-pleasing is sort of... I don't know. I think you could better convey her fear without having to resort to lots of repeated interjections; you've already showed us in parts one and two that you're a fantastic writer. I just didn't feel like these last few paragraphs matched up to your earlier writing.

This is still great, though I think that you could have combined parts one and two without any problems, they're both pretty short. Great job, and I'll watch for future chapters. Smile

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Once Tess had bought another drink - which had been almost disappointingly easy; even though she was only sixteen, and looked it, the bartender had had no qualms about selling her alcohol - the two of them descended the stairs from the dancehall, and passed out through the double doors of the entrance.


This was a rather long sentence. Maybe you could break it up a bit? 'Tess bought another drink. It was disappointingly easy... she and her friend descended the stairs...'

Quote:
spread thinly across the area, covering the grass lawns that stood in front of the hall.


Are there any other types of lawns?

Quote:
Walking from the cover of the doors, Tess’ eyes roved among the huddles of teens.


I think it's Tess's because it's a name.

Quote:
She looked down at her drink. ‘You’re meant to make feel happier,’ she told it quietly.


What she says doesn't make too much sense (missing a direct object). Unless she's talking like this because she's tired?

Quote:

Tess looked up and to her left, recognising the voice. A guy from her form group - what was his name again? Tom? - was stood next to her,


was stood --> stood
Unless it's a British thing?

Quote:
The guy peered into his half drunk beer. ‘Alright there, mate?’ When the beer failed to reply, he looked up again,


haha!

Quote:
Sarah was generally rather shy with other people - boys in particular.


You should show this throughout the encounter rather than telling. Maybe she looks away when he's talking, maybe she shuffles her feet, etc.

Quote:
Fear gradually worked its way through Tess’ body, starting in her chest and then creeping into all her extremities.


I think it might be better if you didn't identify fear, but instead described it, making it new and creepy so that the reader is afraid just as Tess is.

Quote:
Piece by piece, her body shivered more as horrible thoughts surfaced in the ocean of her mind.


"ocean of her mind" to me sounds too poetic for the context.

Quote:
Maybe she was dead, killed by the blow to the head. Perhaps this was some sort of afterlife.

Maybe she was dying, not yet completely dead, and this was her body shutting down.

Maybe she was in a coma; maybe she would never awake.

Maybe she was blind and deaf, struck so by the fierce blow, and was really in a hospital surrounded by a family helpless to comfort her.


The repetition made me say :grr: repetition. It sounds list-y rather than progressively more panicked. I think it would help if it were all one paragraph. Maybe if the sentences kept getting shorter and shorter?

Quote:
Even enveloped by fear, she recognised the voice. It was the same one that had said her name seconds before she collapsed.


I don't think you need to call quite so much attention to the fact that it's the same voice.

Quote:
Rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet, her blind gaze frantically searched the darkness.


I think you could reword this sentence as it's rather contradictory. I see what you're trying to say, but a blind gaze searching sounds a little strange. I think here, you could elaborate and give more concreteness to her fear.

Quote:
Desperate cries for help filled her mind, Oh God, oh God! Someone help! Help! Please, please, please! Someone! Help me! But she dared not open her mouth to utter her thoughts, fearing the worst from whoever had said her name.


I think the italicized part is a little much. Maybe if words were cut off or trailed off, or otherwise emotionally charged with something other than exclamation marks. I thought the part around the italics sounded a little formal. Phrases like "filled her mind" "dared not open her mouth" "utter her thoughts" "fearing the worst" sounded a little cliche and a little old fashioned.

Quote:
Something brushed her arm.

And then Tess screamed.


I liked the first line above because it was separated from everything else. It was simple, and was nicely quiet horror (to my best understanding of the genre). But I didn't like how the line following started with "and then", as if it leeched from the previous stand-alone line. Personally, I'd get rid of the "then" or the "and then".

In all, I felt like I should have been inside Tess's head more. Alot of time is spent describing the setting, when I'm not sure how relevant that will be to the rest of the story, and not as much time is spent on what's going on inside Tess's head.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^_^

Those were both really helpful crits. Smile And I do believe I agree with everything you've both just said.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

geez, not much that I can say here, since all your mistakes have been bascially covered. Of course, i'm not exactly complaining. Anyway, for the mistakes that haven't been mentioned already;

Quote:
the bartender had had no qualms

Tsk, tsk, i thought simple repetition below you.

... And that's about it, everything else was basically covered. I'll admit, a few particular sentences could possibly had a bit more detail to them to, but that's about it. I did, however, like your use of repetition for the different reasons as to why she was falling into blackness, it makes it look like she considering the possibities as to why it's happening. Overall, a better chapter than the last two, the amount of the detail you went into when she was being sick was kind of distrubing. I look forward to the next chapter.

-hunter111

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hunter: Thanks for the review, dude. Although, 'had had' is grammatically correct for the tense I was using. Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought so, i've seen alot of other writer's use that as well, and while it does sound correct it just doesn't look right when written out like that alot of the time.

Anyway, off topic for a bit, i've just seen your profile, and your not that bad of a writer. Actually, your pretty good at it once you get going from what I can understand. you seriously need to think more highly of yourself man, your begining to sound like a proverbial masochaist... if there ever was one.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

yep,i really like this, it is intriguing and suspenseful. The chapter flows when reading, i also like the discription, i could imangine where she was.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ohh, i really really like this story.
it like definatly grabbed my attention at the beginning.
im not good at critiquing so i'm not going to try.
but yay [x
great storyy!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow. i really got hooked! very catchy. im a little anxious to see what was going on with the strange reflection in the mirror and about when she blacked out in the end. very nice i enjoyed it =]

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What first got my interested was of course the title. Which is a good thing. Tess is only sixteen, normally it's at that age that girls are the most self conscious about their appearance and wouldn't just shrug it off. That comes later, haha.
I like this story very much and I'd love to see where you are taking it.
There are a few things that I noticed. One is that you start a lot of sentences with 'but' But is a conjunction and belongs in the middle of a sentence to combine two thoughts.
Please continue the story, I'd like to see more of it.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OKay I am not going to go over and repeat what others have said about the critiques there were some mistakes but I really liked it. Keep up with the good work!

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