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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
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 Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:07 pm Post subject: Return of the King (sort of) |
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My sister and I are really huge LOTR fans. We've seen the movies over and over and have read the trilogy several times through. The summer before Return of the King came out in Theaters, we got really impatient waiting for the film and decided to write a script of our own for it. It started out as a serious thing, but it soon just turned into a huge joke. We sent it out to a bunch of our friends and had them all rolling on the floor laughing and even considered filming it for a while (but that never worked out). I'm interested to see what you all think of this.
Please note: I am not making fun of LOTR here. I love the stories to bits. I was just having a bit of fun.
Second note: This is rather long
Third note: Any similarities between the personalities of the characters in this script and the personalities of the characters in the books is purely accidental (and if you find any, I'll scream)
So now, before you come after me with pitchforks for all these notes, I give you... THE RETURN OF THE KING (sort of):
ROTK script (sort of) Part I
Camera follows Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, the elf and the
Rohan dudes, riding to Insengard. They enter the gates
and are shocked to see two hobbitses, lying on the top
of a pile of rubble, eating and sleeping.
MERRY
Welcome to Isengard, gents. I am Meriadoc, son of
Saradoc, and this (elbows Pippin) is Peregrin son of
Paladin of the house of Took. I am sure he would greet
you if he hadn’t FALLEN ASLEEP! Saruman is busy
talking to a Mr. Wormtongue or I’m sure he would
welcome you himself.
GANDALF
Right, uh-huh, and I suppose he’s the one who told you
to watch for us, right?
MERRY
Uh, no, not really. He was just a bit too busy to think of
it.
PIPPIN
(opens eyes) Yeah, we take orders from Treebeard
now. He told us to welcome the Lord of Rohan.
GIMLI
What about Legolas and me? We have been tracking
you for two hundred leagues, and I was worn to the
point of… ahem (looks at Aragorn and nods towards the elf)
ARAGORN
Oh right. (drags elf away)
GIMLI
To being tossed at Helm’s Deep!!!!!!!!!! (nods to Aragorn)
ARAGORN
(drags elf back)
LEGOLAS
(looks confused)
GIMLI
And here you are sitting comfortably, feasting and
smoking. Smoking! Where in Middle-earth did you get
the weed?
LEGOLAS
I’m confused. But ditto what Gimli said and where did
you get the wine?
PIPPIN
You may have been tracking for a long time, but you
haven’t gotten any smarter. Here we are, sitting at the
sight of victory and you ask us about some
well-deserved pipe-weed and wine!?
MERRY
(stares at Pippin) right, Pip. Anyway, Gandalf, Treebeard is waiting for you and the Rohan dudes over there (points vaguely upwards)
GANDALF
Well if he really wants to, sure why not. (leaves with Rohan dudes)
PIPPIN
(gets up) c’mon, follow me. (leads Aragorn, Gimli, and the elf to a hut)
They talk. Merry and Pippin talk about the orcs. Aragorn, Gimli, and the elf talk about their search and the Rohan dudes.
ARAGORN
(stand up suddenly) I forgot something outside. (points vaguely upward and walks out)
One hour later.
LEGOLAS
(still looking confused) Where’s Aragorn?
Cut to Aragorn trying to stay on horse, riding to the
Gray Havens. He arrives. Last elf (not Arwen) is filing on the boat. The boat is preparing to sail.
ARAGORN
(runs up to boat) Arwen, get thee off the boat!
CELORIAN
(standing next to Arwen) Do you know this guy, honey?
ARWEN
Um, yeah
ARAGORN
Arwen, get thee off the boat!
ARWEN
(coming to the rail) why should I?
ARAGORN
Because I (jumps in water) blub… blub blub
CELORIAN
What did he say?
ARWEN
I love you, I think, it’s kinda hard to tell. (so Arwen thought about it) uhhhhhhhhhhh, okay! (jumps over rail, rescues drowning fiancé and collapses on bank)
you tried to give back the necklace, what’s up with
that?
ARAGORN
Your father convinced me it would be better for you.
ARWEN
Really? He’s the one who told em to go to the Gray Havens. Do you think we should invite him to the
wedding?
Cut to Frodo and Sam playing Go Fish.
SAM
Mr. Frodo, where did we get this deck of cards?
FRODO
I dunno, Smeagol told me the stage crew sent it over.
SAM
Oh, got any threes?
FRODO
Here you go. Guess that means you won. Again.
GOLLUM
(crawls towards them) Up hobbitses. It’s time to go.
FRODO
Okay Smeagol.
Sam, Frodo, and Gollum start off again and bump into
the Nazgul as they cross a bridge.
FRODO
Uh, hi. We’re looking for Mt. Doom. Any idea how to get
there? (clutches ring unconsciously)
KING OF THE NAZGUL
Oh, sure. Just take a left here, then you go up these
stairs and through a tunnel. You’ll meet Shelob there and she’ll tell you where to go from there.
SAM
But how will we find this Shelob?
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grins) Don’t worry, you can’t miss her.
Sam Frodo, and Gollum leave and turn to the left. They
find the stairs. Gollum disappears halfway up.
SAM
(grumbling) and he took the cards with him.
They continue on without him. They find the tunnel.
After a little while they come to a silver wall that looks
to be made out of something like string. Eyes loom out
of the dark towards them.
FRODO
(pulls out the vial that Galadriel gave him)
The eyes disappear.
FRODO
Sam, see if you can cut through this stuff.
SAM
Yes Mr. Frodo. (pulls out his sword and swings as hard
as he can, the sword bounces off and Sam falls down
he tries again and falls down again) it ain’t no use Mr.
Frodo.
FRODO
Here, let me try. (hands the vial to Sam then swings
sting as hard as he can. Sting lodges in the threads. He
tries to pull it free but it won’t come) Drat! (he pulls
again and it comes loose, covered in thread. Rocks
begin to fall from the ceiling) double drat!
SAM
Look, now there’s a way out!
Shelob leaps out and chases Frodo out of the tunnel.
She doesn’t see Sam. But Gollum does.
GOLLUM
(choking Sam) Nasssty fat hobbit. Nasssssty.
SAM
Geroff. That hurts you know!
GOLLUM
(lets go) Sorry, we didn’t mean to do it. Nice Smeagol
always does what Master says, and we did, we did!
Precious, we did!
SAM
Get out of here! I’ve got to go kill a giant spider.
GOLLUM
Fat hobbit says it has to go kill her, it’s wrong. She’ll kill
him, and then we takes the Precious! And we bes the
master!
SAM
Andy, I think your taking this Gollum thing a little too far.
GOLLUM
What’s Andy, precious?
SAM
(aims kick at Gollum) oh, go on, get out of here!
GOLLUM
(slinks off)
SAM
(resumes character and runs towards Frodo)
SHELOB
(bends over Frodo’s limp form, preparing to drag him away)
SAM
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHELOB
(looks up suddenly and sees Sam running towards her,
brandishing his sword. She sits down heavily in surprise, landing on top of Sting)
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccrcrrrrrccrcrcrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeceeeeeeeeeccccccccccccccccchhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh!
(drags herself back into her lair)
SAM
That was easy. (rushes to Frodo) Oh no, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO
(doesn’t move)
SAM
Guess there is only one thing to do. (takes ring and
Sting and leaves) I hate to leave him so.
Orcs run on. They run in circles a few times before one
of them trips over Frodo.
ORC 1
(screeches) Ooww! My poor toe! I’ve hurt my poor toe.
ORC 2
Stop all that racket!
ORC 3
(bends over Frodo) What is it?
ORC 1
It’s a big strong elf warrior! (jumps into orc 3’s arms)
ORC 3
(dumps orc1 on the ground)
ORC 2
No, it’s not! Pick it up and let’s go.
ORC 1
Pick it up?
ORC 2
Yeah, it could be something important.
They pick Frodo up and run off. Sam follows.
Cut back to Isengard.
MERRY
(runs up to Gandalf who is standing with Gimli, the elf
and the Rohan dudes. Pippin runs beside him) Gandalf!
Gandalf! We found this giant marble in the hut!
PIPPIN
Gandalf! I looked in it! And it looked back!
GANDALF
What? Oh no! (grabs Pippin and the “marble”, jumps on
Shadowfax and rides away)
LEGOLAS
(more confused than ever) What happened?
That night:
GIMLI
(wakes up and stands. In monotone voice) must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead.
LEGOLAS
(wakes and stands up. In monotone voice) must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead.
Both go to their horse and bump into each other. They fall to the ground and the trance is broken.
LEGOLAS
The weirdest thing just happened. I was going to go to the paths of the dead for some reason.
GIMLI
Me too. Still want to go?
LEGOLAS
(slightly confused) sure.
They both get up off the ground and get on theier horse and ride off towards the paths of the dead. In the morning, Merry and the Rohan dudes go to Edoras.
MERRY
(steps towards Theoden) You know, it’s the strangest thing, but I feel like swearing allegiance to you. Do you mind?
THEODEN
Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
MERRY
(gets down on one knee) May I lay the sword of Meriadoc of the Shire on your lap, Theoden King? Receive my Service if you will!
THEODEN
I already said yes.
MERRY
(whispers) that’s not the line.
THEODEN
It’s not? Oh, oh! Of course! Gladly will I take it. Rise now Meriadoc, esquire of Rohan of the household of Meduseld! Take your sword and bear it unto good fortune.
MERRY
Good fortune? Obviously you haven’t read the rest of the script.
THEODEN
What was that?
MERRY
Nothing. (resumes character) As a father you shall be to me.
THEODEN
For a little while.
MERRY
What do you mean?
THEODEN
Well, see I just got word from my good friend Denethor that Minas Tirith is under attack. And I thought that my Rohan boys and me would go give him some aid. And it might be dangerous, you know Sauron is going all out on this attack, and I really don’t want you to get hurt so, I think you should stay here.
MERRY
Stay here? But you just made me an esquire to Rohan. I want to come too.
THEODEN
Sorry. You get to stay here and protect the …um… the horses.
The next day Merry watched the Muster of Rohan riding out.
MERRY
Drat! Drat drat drat! I could help! Frodo and Sam get to go to Mt. Doom. Pippin gets to go with Gandalf. Aragorn and Gimli and Legolas get to do what ever it is that they’re doing and what do I get. I get to protect the horses. Whoop-dee-doo!
Just then a random rider separated off from the others and rode towards Merry.
RANDOM RIDER
Where will wants not, a way opens, so we Rohan dudes say. And so I have found myself. You wish to go whither the Lord of the Mark goes: I hear it in your drats.
MERRY
Is it that obvious?
RANDOM RIDER
(nods)
MERRY
Oh, well, I do want to go.
RANDOM RIDER
Then you shall go with me. I will bear you before me, under my cloak until we are far afield. Such good will should not be denied. Say no more to any man, but come!
MERRY
Oh, great! Thank you sir… oh wait a sec. My Mother taught me never to go any where with strangers and I don’t know your name.
RANDOM RIDER
Do you not? Then call me Dernhelm.
MERRY
Dernhelm huh?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM
(nods)
MERRY
You look oddly familiar, are you sure your name is Dernhelm? You look kind of like—
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
(grabs hobbit, covers his mouth and shoves him up on horse. Then mounts himself and rides after the other Rohan dudes who are now five miles ahead of them because Merry talked so much)
Cuts to Gandalf and Pippin riding towards Minas Tirith on Shadowfax.
PIPPIN
Um, Gandalf. I think we should turn back.
GANDALF
No, we can’t. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation.
PIPPIN
No, I think I do. And I think we should turn back.
GANDALF
See, when you looked into that “marble” which by the way is called a Palantir, you talked to Sauron.
PIPPIN
Oops. I did?
GANDALF
Yes.
PIPPIN
Well, I still think we should turn back.
GANDALF
No, we have to get you to
PIPPIN
Gandalf…
GANDALF
Minas Tirith, because there
PIPPIN
Gandalf…
GANDALF
You will be safe and then
PIPPIN
Gandalf…
GANDALF
WHAT!!
PIPPIN
I think we should turn back.
GANDALF
WHY!!?!
PIPPIN
I dropped the marble..
GANDALF
What?
PIPPIN
Back there a ways… I dropped the marble.
Gandalf turns Shadowfax around and speeds back to the “marble”. After paying their speeding ticket, they were back on their way. Now it took a little longer than it should have because Gandalf argued with the police officer that he was on a horse and not in a car so he shouldn’t get the ticket. But it didn’t work and Pippin told him to just pay the money, and grudgingly he did so. Soon they arrived at Minas Tirith.
DENETHOR
Hmm… what should I have for breakfast? I could have eggs. Okay. Now fried eggs? Deviled eggs? Boiled eggs? Poached eggs? Scrambled eggs? Burned eggs? So many choices, and all of them taste soooooo good.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Yo, yo, yo , Mr. Majesty. You know you got an old wizard dude hangin’ out at the door of your crib?
DENETHOR
Huh?
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Old wizard dude, hanging out, do you know?
DENETHOR
(shakes head) no.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
I’ll go get da man.
DENETHOR
(as the rapper servant stuck in the wrong age leaves) memo to me, memo to me, hire new staff at first opportunity.
GANDALF
(enters room with Pippin) Hail, Lord and Steward of Minas Tirith, Denethor son of Ecthelion! I am come with tidings in this dark hour.
DENETHOR
What is it with Wizards and using fancy words? Couldn’t you just say that you have news for me?
GANDALF
(stares blankly) well yes, but—
DENETHOR
Never mind, just tell me who you have brought with you. My servant told me that you brought someone with you who had seen my son die, or at least, I think that’s what he said. It’s so hard to understand these rapper servants who are stuck in the wrong age. Anyway, is this he?
GANDALF
Yes, one of the two. The is other is with Theoden of Rohan… I think. He might come later. They are both Halflings—
PIPPIN
(elbows Gandalf) hobbits.
GANDALF
Oh, yes, hobbits, where was I? Oh, yes. But he is not the one of whom the omens spoke.
DENETHOR
Oh, that’s nice.
PIPPIN
I’d like to swear service to you, if I might, Lord Denethor. Cause, you know, Boromir died saving me and my kinsman, Meriadoc, and I figure that this way I could repay my debt, maybe.
DENETHOR
Okay, repeat after me. Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor, to speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, in need and in plenty, in peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour hence forth, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end.
PIPPIN
Here do I swear faulty service to Gondor, To be silent when I speak, To be and let it do, to come and to go, in need of plenty of peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour hence forth, until my lord releases me, or death take me, or the world end. Now just out of curiosity, would it count as the world ending, if Sauron took it over?
DENETHOR
No.
PIPPIN
Great.
Cut to Legolas and Gimli as the approach the paths of the dead. They walk along quietly and then bump into Aragorn and Arwen.
LEGOLAS
(still still confused) what are you doing here? And Arwen?
GIMLI
And what exactly did you forget?
ARAGORN
Um… well, see…
LEGOLAS
(still still still confused) Is that a fish in your hair?
ARAGORN
Oh, (pulls the fish from his hair and drops it on the ground), I… um, jumped in the water.
GIMLI
Oooooohhhhhh, you said you forgot… and then you went after (points to Arwen)… and then you fell in the water
LEGOLAS
I’m confused…
ARAGORN
I went to get Arwen so she wouldn’t sail away forever and I jumped, I didn’t fall, in the water. Now she’s my fiancé and we came back here because there is an army of dead guys on the paths of the dead that could help people down in Gondor when Sauron attacks them and I’m the only one that can command them to come because I’m the heir of Isildur! Get it?
LEGOLAS
Yes, no, wait… I’m confused.
GIMLI
(who had now heard Legolas say this about a million times, smacked him over the head and shocked him into silence)
ARAGORN
Are you guys going in?
GIMLI & LEGOLAS
(nod)
ARAGORN
Then let’s go! (starts running as fast as he can, Arwen runs beside him. They run faster and faster and faster until…)
POLICEMAN
(drives up out of nowhere) I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to give you both a ticket.
ARAGORN
What?
POLICEMAN
The speed limit was clearly stated at 4.5 miles per hour (points to a sign above the door to the paths of the dead) I clocked you two at 5 miles per hour. (begins to write out the ticket)
LEGOLAS
(looks VERY confused)
ARAGORN
But, officer, we’re on foot!
POLICEMAN
I’m sorry sir, the law is the law. (hands them ticket and drives off)
Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli and the elf, WALK through the door. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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ROTK script (sort of) Part II
Cut to Sam as he runs along a tunnel after the orcs.
ORC 1
I dreamed about a big strong elf warrior last night.
ORC 2
(dryly) you don’t say.
ORC 1
I did!
ORC 3
Keep it down back there!
Orcs run in circles around a tower for ten minutes before entering it.
SAM
I wonder how I could get in?
ORC 1
(sticks head out the door)And if anyone should want to come in, they could just walk through the front door! Hint, hint!
ORC 2
(drags orc 1 back inside by the collar)
SAM
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh. (tries to walk through door and bumps into an invisible wall. Tries again and bumps into it again) Hmm… I can’t see anything. Maybe I just need better light. (pulls out the vial and looks around) Still nothing. (walks forward and enters) Huh? What happened to the… (shrugs) Oh, well. (walks along and finds a bunch of dead orcs. After five minutes he hears voices)
ORC 1
Drat! I know we’re supposed to be saying something here, but I can’t remember what!
ORC 2
(trying to make the scene work because they’ve already messed it up seventy-three times) Well, um, all the other orcs are dead! We’ll have to tell somebody. You go!
ORC 1
Me? But there might be a big strong elf warrior out there!
ORC 2
I said go!
ORC 1
Um, um, oh I forget!
ORC 2
(outraged) DIDN’T YOU READ THE SCRIPT?
ORC 1
Well, yes and no…
ORC 2
What!?! You disgrace the name of orc! (grabs orc 1 and begins to muss up his hair in such a way that it will never be able to be brushed out again)
ORC 1
I did? Are you sure? I mean orcs’ve done all these other rotten things, do you really think that forgetting lines would…
ORC 2
(stops dead, considering) well… (bites lip) I… Oh, I don’t know! (tries to resume charectar) Just get out of here and tell Lug-burz that all the other orcs are dead!
ORC 1
But the big, strong, elf warrior!
ORCS 2
Get! (kicks orc 1 out the door)
SAM
(jumps out at orc 1 as he comes out of the room ahead)
ORC 1
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A BIG STRONG ELF WARRIOR! (runs back into the room)
ORC 2
Okay, now you’re really disgracing the name of orc! (runs out, dragging orc 1 behind him)
SAM
(hits both of them over the head)
ORC 1&2
(fall to the ground)
SAM
(looks down at them expecting them to get up)
ORC 1&2
(don’t)
SAM
Hmm… interesting.(wanders around aimlessly, looking for Frodo) Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Where are you? I’ll never find him! (sits down and begins to sing) Mary had a little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. And every where that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went. Every where that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. Mary went to school… (stops thinking that he heard something) went to school… (stops again) to school one… (stops again) Mr. Frodo is that you?
FRODO
(sticks head out of a hole in the ceiling) yeah, it’s me, who did you expect? Sauron?
SAM
Come down here.
FRODO
No can do. They took my clothes. And everything else for that matter. Hand me some of the orc stuff.
SAM
(runs to get clothes from orc 1&2. Comes back and hands them to Frodo)
FRODO
Great. (disappears for a moment and then jumps down dressed in the orc stuff)
Frodo and Sam begin to make their way towards the door. Frodo keeps poking around looking for something.
SAM
What are you looking for Mr. Frodo?
FRODO
The ring. I had it on me when the giant spider attacked me and now I don’t.
SAM
Oh, I took it.
FRODO
WHAT!?! Give it back!
SAM
No!
FRODO
(jumps on top of Sam, knocking him to the ground)
FRODO&SAM
(wrestle around on the ground for a while, each trying to get a hold of the ring)
SAM
Wait, Mr. Frodo, wait. (pushes Frodo away for a minute) This is ridiculous. There has to be a civilized way to decide who gets the ring.
FRODO
You’re right. We’ll flip a coin. Heads, I get it. Tails, you don’t.
SAM
Okay, that sounds… hey! Wait a minute!
FRODO
Okay, okay. We’ll arm wrestle for it.
SAM
Okay. (sits down at a table that was conveniently placed there by the stage crew. They begin to arm wrestle and Sam wins) Ha!
FRODO
(snatches ring from around Sam’s neck) Ha ha! It’s mine!
SAM
(steps towards him) Now, Mr. Frodo, I won fair and square.
FRODO
It’s mine! You’re just a member of the Fellowship, I’m the Ringbearer! It’s mine! And anyway, it says in the script that I get to take it to Mt. Doom
SAM
Where?
FRODO
(hands Sam a copy of the script) Right there!
SAM
(reads the page, and then continues to flip through about twenty more pages) Wait, a minute, I do what!?! Get my agent on the phone!
Stage crewmember, hands Sam a cell phone. Sam proceeds to argue with his agent, during which he pounds the phone into pulp, but is still miraculously able to talk to his agent. After approximently three hours (give or take a day), Sam’s agent agrees to double Sam’s pay.
FRODO
(reads what I just typed) What!?! (grabs cell phone from Sam and dials his agent)
FRODO’S AGENT
Yes?
FRODO
Hi, I want my pay doubled.
FRODO’S AGENT
Sorry, no can do.
FRODO
But Sam got HIS pay doubled.
FRODO’S AGENT
Sorry, but how about finger insurance?
FRODO
(thinks about it) okay.
SAM
Ha ha! (in sing songy voice) I got my pay doubled.
FRODO
(in sing songy voice) But I get the ring!
SAM
FINE! Keep the stupid ole ring. I don’t care.
They walk out of the tower together.
Cut to Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli, and the elf on the paths of the dead.
ARWEN
(looks over shoulder for the billionth time)
ARAGORN
What’s wrong?
ARWEN
I think there are some dead guys following us.
ARAGORN
Yeah, there are.
LEGOLAS
(looks confused) But if they are dead than how can they be…
GIMLI
Hey, look! The end of the tunnel!
ARAGORN
Oh great! But, it’s going to take us forever to get through security!
LEGOLAS&GIMLI
Through WHAT!?!
SECURITY GUARD
(jumps out from behind rocks and sets up metal detectors) Please put all metal objects in the tray.
LEGOLAS
(looking high and low for a tray) where?
SECURITY GUARD
Move it along.
ARAGORN
(walks through and the alarm goes off)
SECURITY GUARD
Great. Okay, buddy, come here. Did you forget to put the metal stuff in the tray?
ARAGORN
Well, as my buddy the elf, pointed out, there’s no tray.
SECURITY GUARD
All right. Drop them on the ground.
ARAGORN
(takes off and drops on the ground one sword, five knives, twenty-seven arrows, 3 battle axes that he stole from Gimli--)
GIMLI
Those are mine!!!!!!!!!!!
ARAGORN
(continues to drop things as the security guard looks on. Seven revolvers, a crossbow, and 2 more daggers that he found in his back pockets)
SECURITY GUARD
Is that all?
ARAGORN
Oh yeah. (drops car keys on top of the pile)
SECURITY GUARD
Okay, pick it back up and move on.
ARAGORN
(hurries to pick up the axes before Gimli does)
ARWEN
(walks through without the alarm going off and then helps Aragorn pick everything up)
LEGOLAS
(walks through and the alarm goes off. He proceeds to take out his knives)
SECURITY GUARD
Do you have as many weapons as your friend?
LEGOLAS
(nods)
SECURITY GUARD
Move it along.
LEGOLAS
(looks confused but moves on)
GIMLI
(goes through and sets off the alarm)
SECURITY GUARD
Just go!
ARAGORN
(finally gets all his weapons put away minus the three axes that Gimli stole back) hey look there’s the big rock thing that we’re supposed to meet the dead guys at!
They run up to the big rock and then wait while the dead guys gather around.
ARAGORN
Oathbreakers, why in middle-earth have you been following us?
DEAD GUY
Because we want to fulfil our oath so we can have peace! Why else?
ARAGORN
Oh, right. Well, that hour has come at last. I’m going to fight and you all had better come with me. And when all of the bad guys are dead, I’ll consider your oath fulfilled and then you all can have peace and depart forever, deal?
DEAD GUY
First we want to know who you are.
ARAGORN
Well, I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn.
DEAD GUY
Don’t know ‘im
-ARAGORN
Strider?
DEAD GUY
Nope.
ARAGORN
Elfstone?
DEAD GUY
Nuh-uh.
ARAGORN
(starts to get desperate) Dunedain?
DEAD GUY
Sorry.
ARAGORN
(IS desperate) Longshanks?
DEAD GUY
No.
ARAGORN
Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor?
DEAD GUY
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, HIM. Okay, deal.
ARAGORN, ARWEN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS
(sigh in relief)
Cut to Pippin on the ramparts of Minas Tirith.
DENETHOR
Drat! Everything was going just fine and then they decided to attack!
PIPPIN
Who?
DENETHOR
The orcs down there, can’t you see them?
PIPPIN
Not really, I can’t see over the wall: it’s up higher than my head.
DENETHOR
Oh, well the King of the Nazgul is down there teaching them how to play Miss Mary Mac.
PIPPIN
What!?!
DENETHOR
Just kidding, they are down there preparing to fight.
PIPPIN
Oh.
DENETHOR
I wonder what they plan on doing with that great big log. It looks kinda like a battering ram.
PIPPIN
A big what!?!
DENETHOR
Battering ram, I think.
PIPPIN
And you aren’t concerned about this!?!
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Majesty! There’s a dude with some axes, and a dude with pointy ears, hanging out at the gate. They wants to know if they can see ya, homey.
DENETHOR
Pippin, go down and see what this guy is talking about.
PIPPIN
Yes, sir.
DENETHOR
(walks over to the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age) I (points to himself) want you (points to the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age) to take him (points to Pippin) to the gate (forms a gate with his hands and opens and closes it a few times) and show him (points to Pippin) the dude with pointed ears, and the dude with the axes.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
I gotcha homey! You da man! C’mon, dawg!
PIPPIN
Dawg?
Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age and Pippin go down to the gate. There Pippin sees Legolas and Gimli standing outside the gate.
PIPPIN
Legolas! Gimli! How did you get here?
LEGOLAS
(confused) I… don’t know.
PIPPIN
(orders the gates to be opened) Well, get inside! The orcs are about to attack!
GIMLI
(coming inside) Maybe not. The King of the Nazgul was very nice and let us through. Though he did grin at us kinda funny.
LEGOLAS
(meets the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age as he goes in the gate)
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Yo, homey! Waz up wichu, dawg?
LEGOLAS
(extremely, extremely confused) HUH?
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Waz up?
LEGOLAS
(beyond confused) HUH!?!
Just then Faramir and some more Gondor dudes came running up. The orc host parted to let them pass.
FARAMIR
Hey, thanks.
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) No problem.
FARAMIR
Uh… sure. (runs towards the gate as it begins to close) Hey! Wait a minute! We’re coming in!
Doors open back up.
FARAMIR
Thanks!
The Gondor dudes go through the door. But before Faramir can get in, the elf, in his confused state, pushes a button, thinking that it is a volume control for the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age, who had continued to bombard him with the words, yo, waz up, homey, and dawg. The button in reality turned out to be an emergency close button for the gate. The gate closed on Faramir, hitting him in the head.
LEGOLAS
(confused) Did I do that?
GONDOR DUDES
(drags Faramir inside)
PIPPIN
That elf! Now he’s done it! I—
KING OF THE NAZGUL
Is everybody in now?
PIPPIN
Yes.
KING OF THE NAZGUL
Then it would be all right if we attacked now?
PIPPIN
Of course! Wait what am I saying? (watches as the orcs begin to charge the gate) Close the gate! Close the gate!
The gates close just in time to stop the orcs from coming in. Some of the less intelligent orcs hit their heads against it and fall down.
Two hours later in the houses of healing:
HEALER DUDE
He has a very, very bad fever.
PIPPIN
(looks at Faramir) oh.
DENETHOR
Well, as long as he’s going to die we might as well take that vacation I’ve been planning. It’s better than dying here.
HEALER DUDE&PIPPIN
Who said that he was going to die?
HEALER DUDE
Jinx!
PIPPIN
(stares open mouthed at Healer Dude)
DENETHOR
Yup, might as well take him to Pluto.
PIPPIN
(mouths the word Pluto. Begins tugging on Denethor’s shirt and making LOTS of hand gestures)
DENETHOR
What in middle earth is wrong with you, boy? (takes Pippin my the shoulders) Snap out of it!
PIPPIN
(mouths “say my name, say my name!”)
DENETHOR
(raised an eyebrow) Pippin?
PIPPIN
Thank you! (sticks his tongue out at Healer Dude)
HEALER DUDE
(rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at Pippin)
PIPPIN
(turns to Denethor) Now, Lord Denethor, about this Pluto thing…
DENETHOR
Great idea, huh?
PIPPIN
Well, not really.
DENETHOR
Who asked you? (shoves Pippin aside and rings a tiny bell)
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(enter) Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Majesty—
DENETHOR
What’s with the Mr. Majesty!?! I’m not a King! I’m a Steward!
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WORNG AGE
(thinks about this) Yo, yo, yo, Mr. Steward.
DENETHOR
Better.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Whachu be wantin, my homey?
DENETHOR
Take my son, down to the launch pad and put him on the shuttle.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(whistles and several other servants run in) Okay, ya homeys. Let’s get this dawg down to the basement.
Servants pick up Faramir and carry him out of the room. Denethor follows with Pippin not far behind.
PIPPIN
Um, sir! Sir! Pluto is um, cold!
DENETHOR
I know.
PIPPIN
It’s frozen.
DENETHOR
That would be cold.
PIPPIN
It’s… far away. Lots of space in between middle earth and Pluto.
DENETHOR
I know.
PIPPIN
Um, Sir. (they enter the basement and Pippin sees the shuttle) WOW!
DENETHOR
Pretty, ain’t it?
PIPPIN
Yeah. But wait a sec. Who exactly told you that you could get to Pluto?
DENETHOR
The Palantir. (points to the Palantir in the corner)
PIPPIN
Ooooo. A marble! (watches as the servants start to put Faramir on the shuttle) WAIT! (pulls Gondor dude 1 out of nowhere) You! Keep the servants from putting Faramir on the shuttle.
GONDOR DUDE 1
Wha?
PIPPIN
Keep them (points to the servants) from putting him (points to Faramir) on the shuttle (points to the shuttle)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GONDOR DUDE 1
Oh, right. How?
PIPPIN
Wave your sword around!
GONDOR DUDE 1
Oh, you mean, like this? (begins to do the disco with his sword)
PIPPIN
Yeah, just like that! That’s great!
GONDOR DUDE 1
(continues to do the disco with his sword and accidentally chops his own head off)
PIPPIN
(hits himself in the forehead while saying) I had to pick the stupid one! I had to pick the stupid one!
GONDOR DUDE 2
(jumps out of nowhere) I’ll help. (strikes a Superman pose and then swings his sword around impressively and then runs up to the servants and stops them from taking Faramir into the shuttle)
PIPPIN
Great! Now I just have to find Gandalf!
Cut to Pippin as he bumps into Gandalf. Gandalf is wearing a fencing outfit.
PIPPIN
Gandalf! I need your help!
GANDALF
(lifts fencing mask) What?
PIPPIN
Denethor is going to go on vacation!
GANDALF
So?
PIPPIN
He’s going to Pluto! And he’s taking Faramir with him!
GANDALF
Oooo, bad. Do you think he can wait a few minutes? I’m supposed to meet someone here.
PIPPIN
Who!?!
GANDALF
The King of the Nazgul. We’re going to have a duel. (swings sword around)
PIPPIN
(shoves Gandalf off towards the basement) The King of the Nazgul can wait! You have to help me talk some sense into Denethor!
GANDALF
Okay, okay, I get the point. Stop pushing!
Cut to Pippin pushing Gandalf into the basement.
GANDALF
(looks from Denethor to the shuttle, and back to Denethor) What in Middle earth do you think you’re doing!?!
DENETHOR
Taking a vacation. Have you got a problem with that?
GANDALF
No, I don’t think so, Mr. (calls to the servants) bring Faramir back down here!
DENETHOR
(as the servants bring Faramir back down) you may be able to stop him from going, but I can do as I like! (laughs and then runs up the shuttle) BLAST OFF!
The shuttle launches. Outside the orcs stop their attack to watch as the shuttle escapes the atmosphere. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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ROTK script (sort of) Part III
Cut to the Rohan Dudes as they are riding towards Minas Tirith.
MERRY
Are you sure you’re name is Dernhelm?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
Yes.
MERRY
Oh, are we there yet?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
No.
MERRY
Oh. (waits about five seconds) Are we there yet?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
(starting to get annoyed) no.
MERRY
Are we there yet?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
(through gritted teeth) No.
MERRY
Are we there yet?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
NO! Does this look like Minas Tirith to you!?!
MERRY
I don’t know… I’ve never seen Minas Tirith before.
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DENHELM OR IS IT?
Do you see a city anywhere!?!
MERRY
No.
After a little while the Rohan Dudes stop to make camp. Merry is rudely dumped on the ground by The Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm or is it? Who was by then so annoyed with him and his constant questioning.
MERRY
Hmphh. That was rude.
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM OR IS IT?
No, duh! (shows him the script) it says right here that I dump you RUDELY on the ground.
MERRY
Hmphh.
Merry gets up and walks away, coming across Theoden and Eomer talking to a weird short little dude named Ghan-buri-Ghan. Merry creeps closer so he can listen.
GHAN-BURI-GHAN
(as if answering a question) No, Father of horseman. Fight not. Only hunt. Kill gorgun in woods, hate orc-folk. You hate gorgun too. We help as we can. Wild men have long ears and long eyes; know all paths. Wild men live here before Stone-houses; before Tall Men come up out of Water.
EOMER
You know that’s real great. But we need help fighting. How on earth are you going to help us with that?
THEODEN
We need help? I thought that we we’re the ones doing the helping.
EOMER
(waves question away)
GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Bring news. We look out from hills. We climb big Mountain and look down.
THEODEN
Ohhhhh! I get it! You’re going to scout out the area! Sounds great!
GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Let Ghan-buri-Ghan finish! More than one road he knows. He will lead you by road where no pits are, no gorgun walk, only Wild Men and beasts. Many roads were built when Stone-house folk were stronger. They carved hills as hunters carve beast-flesh. Wild Men think they ate stone for food. They went through Druadan to Rimmon with great wains. They go no longer. Road is forgotten, but not by Wild Men. Over hill and behind hill it lies still under grass and tree, there below Rimmon and down to Din, and back at the end to Horsemen’s road Wild Men will show you that road. Then you will kill gorgun and drive away bad dark with bright iron, and Wild Men can go back to sleep and wild woods.
THEODEN
As I said before, Sounds great!
EOMER
Yeah, it does! But, um, Ghan, what do you want in return? How about we give you a rich reward and you can have the friendship of the Mark forever?
GHAN-BURI-GHAN
Dead men are not friends to living men, and give them no gifts.
THEODEN
Hey! Who said we were going to die?
GHAN-BURI-GHAN
But if you live, then leave Wild men alone in the woods. Ghan-buri-Ghan will not lead you into a trap. He will go himself with Father of Horsemen and if he leads you wrong you will kill him.
THEODEN
Do I have to? I mean, that really doesn’t sound like fun… Killing you that is.
After a few minutes Theoden and Eomer rouse the Rohan Dudes and they ride off. After about two minutes they start to hear sounds of battle.
THEODEN
Hey! Look orcs! (to Eomer) think Denethor would mind if you stopped to kill these guys?
EOMER
Um... isn’t that Minas Tirith? (points to the white tower)
THEODEN
Yeah.
EOMER
Then, these would be the orcs that Denethor wanted our help with.
THEODEN
Great! Then let’s go! (starts to ride into the battle)
EOMER
(grabs Theoden’s arm) Um, sir aren’t you forgetting something?
THEODEN
Like what?
EOMER
The battle cry?
THEODEN
Oh, right. (in loud, clear voice) Arise, arise, Riders of Theoden! Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sward-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor! (charges into battle, getting faster and faster and faster until…)
POLICEMAN
(drives up out of nowhere)
ORCS
(back away as the policeman gets out of his car)
POLICEMAN
(to Theoden) I’m sorry sir. But I’m going to have to give you a ticket. (begins to write it out)
THEODEN
But, but, officer, I’m charging into battle!
POLICEMAN
Oh, that reminds me, I’m going to have to see your Battle Cry Permit. I have three witnesses (points to three orcs standing nearby) that say they heard you give a battle cry.
THEODEN
(sputters) I don’t have a Battle Cry Permit! I’m just here to kill some orcs to get them off Denethor’s back!
POLICEMAN
(sorts through papers in his car) I’m sorry, sir, orcs are out of season.
THEODEN
What!?! But… But… They’re attacking Minas Tirith!!!!!!!
POLICEMAN
(sorts through more pages) Hmm… that’s strange, I can’t find anything about whether Minas Tirith is in season or not. (turns to orcs) I’m going to have to take you all downtown until we can get this all sorted it out.
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) Get him, boys.
ORCS
(grab the policeman and begin to beat him over the head with frying pans)
POLICEMAN
Hey! Attacking a police officer is a federal offense! Get off me!
THEODEN
(to the King of the Nazgul, as the Rohan Dudes and the Orcs begin to fight) Thanks, that guy was really starting to annoy me.
KING OF THE NAZGUL
No problem.
THEODEN
(suddenly notices that everyone else is fighting) Um… I guess I should kill you now.
KING OF THE NAZGUL
You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I have a duel with Gandalf in just a few minutes and I’m sure he can take care of everything (grins). But then again… Feel free to try.
THEODEN
Okay, thanks. (steps back to prepare for battle and accidentally steps on a white rabbit) Hey! What are you doing here?
WHITE RABBIT
Oh dear, oh dear, the queen doesn’t like little kings! (runs off)
THEODEN
Hey wait! Come back here! (chases off after the rabbit until he fell down a rabbit hole)
KING OF THE NAZGUL
Oh, well, I guess that’s over.
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Wait a minute! (arrives with Merry)
KING OF THE NAZGUL
What?
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Begone you foul creature, lord of the carrion! Leave the dead in peace!
KING OF THE NAZGUL
I didn’t kill him. And even if I had, you shouldn’t come between the Nazgul and their prey. Or you might just end up dead yourself. (begins to advance on Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?) In fact you might just end up in the houses of lamentation.
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
Really?
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(nods and grins)
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
(draws sword) Do what you will. But I will hinder it if, I may.
MERRY
(tugs on Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?’s sleeve and whispers) Are you sure you want to say that?
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(laughs) Hinder me? You Turkey! No living man can hinder me!
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT?
(laughs)
MERRY
(stares at Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, or is it?)
RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNEHELM, OR IS IT?
You know what? That’s really great. But I’m no man, I’m a girl. My name is Eowyn, daughter of Eomund. Now Begone, if you be not deathless!
KING OF THE NAZGUL
(grinning) I don’t think so.
Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, Who in Reality Turned Out to Be Eowyn and King of the Nazgul begin to fight. And then just as it looked like King of the Nazgul was going to win, Merry sneaked up behind him and tickled him. Random Rider Whose Real Name Was Dernhelm, Who in Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn stabbed him. Then, since the King of the Nazgul was dead, the script writer took the time to legally change Random Rider Whose Real Name Is Dernhelm, Who In Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn’s name to just plain Eowyn because it took her a full five minutes just to type out Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm Who in Reality Turned Out To Be Eowyn’s name.
Cut to Aragorn and Arwen on a boat with the dead guys.
ARAGORN
(looking at map) We should come to Argonath in the next few minutes. No… Wait, that can’t be right.
ARWEN
(reaches for map and turns it right-side-up and then hands it back to Aragorn)
ARAGORN
Ah… so we should come to the Pelennor fields soon.
ARWEN
Do you think that Legolas and Gimli told Denethor that we were coming?
ARAGORN
I should think that an elf and a dwarf would be able to deliver a simple message.
ARWEN
Well… yes. But we never actually told Gimli what he was supposed to say and Legolas looked so confused.
ARAGORN
Oh, he always looks that way.
Battle sounds begin to be heard.
DEAD GUY
Elessar, we’re nearing the Pelennor fields.
ARAGORN
Wonderful, prepare to attack.
A few moments later the battle comes into view. Aragorn, Arwen, and the Dead Guys rush off the boat and begin to beat orcs senseless.
ARWEN
Finally, I get to do something cool.
ARAGORN
But you got to call up the river to drown the Nazgul. THAT was cool.
ARWEN
Okay, but now I get to do something WAY cool.
ARAGORN
But you appeared to me in a dream and spoke elvish. THAT was way cool.
ARWEN
Okay, but now I get to do something way, WAY cool.
ARAGORN
But—
ARWEN
Be quiet! You’re ruining my fun!
ARAGORN
And that wouldn’t be cool.
ARWEN
(shakes head) No.
The battle continues until all the orcs are dead. Minas Tirith still stands proudly, except…
ARAGORN
What’s with the big hole in the roof? It almost looks like a shuttle launched out of the basement. But that couldn’t be.
Cut to Frodo and Sam walking through Mordor.
SAM
Mr. Frodo, don’t you think we should get off the road? If anyone should come along…
FRODO
Who is going to come along? We’re fine, Sam. Don’t worry.
ORC 4
Halt! You there!
SAM
Who, us?
ORC 4
Yeah, you! Are you deserting?
FRODO
Oh, no. We were never in your army. You see, we’re um… we’re just…
SAM
On vacation.
FRODO
(nodding) Yeah! On vacation!
ORC 4
(looks at them suspiciously) Yeah?
SAM
Yes, sir.
ORC 4
I’m going to need some I.D.
FRODO&SAM
(rummage around in their pockets and pull out their I.D. cards. They hand them to Orc 4)
ORC 4
(reading aloud) Frodo Baggins, occupation: Rich Dude, age… hold on. This can’t be your I.D.!!!!! It says that you’re fifty. You can’t be a day over twenty! It’s fake! (throws I.D. card behind him)
FRODO
Well, sir—
ORC 4
And if one’s fake, the other one must be too! (throws Sam’s I.D. behind him and draws an evil-looking sword) Now I’m giving you ten seconds to tell me the truth, are you deserting!?!
FRODO&SAM
No, sir, we’re not deserting, sir! Please don’t kill us with that evil-looking sword, sir!
ORC 4
You swear you’re not deserting?
FRODO&SAM
(nod)
ORC4
Well, in that case (puts evil looking sword away)…
FRODO&SAM
(sigh in relief)
ORC 4
You’re drafted!
FRODO&SAM
WHAT!?!
ORC 4
(gestures behind him) Now join the ranks!
FRODO&SAM
(peer behind Orc 4 at thin air)
FRODO
What ranks?
ORC 4
(looks behind himself) What!?! (spins around several times looking for something) What happened to all my orcs!?! I swear, if they’re taking another coffee break, I’ll slap them silly!!! (stomps off in a huff)
SAM
So… does that mean we can leave?
ORC 4
(stomps back into view dragging two dozen orcs, all guiltily holding mugs of coffee and tiny cakes)
FRODO
I guess not.
ORC 4
(stops just in front of Frodo and Sam and proceeds to arrange his orcs into ranks. He also takes the coffee and cakes and dashes them on the ground) Now then, (gestures towards Frodo and Sam) join the ranks.
FRODO&SAM
(run to the back of the line)
ORC 4
Forward march!
ORC RANKS
(start walking)
ORC 4
(chanting as he walks) I don’t know, but I’ve been told!
ORC RANKS
I don’t know, but I’ve been told!
ORC 4
Mordor is going to win the war!
ORC RANKS
Mordor is going to win the war!
FRODO
(to Sam as Orc 4 continues chanting) Well… this is kinda fun.
SAM
Mr. Frodo, we’ve been DRAFTED!
FRODO
What do you say we desert?
SAM
But, Mr. Frodo, do you really think that he’d let us?
FRODO
I don’t know, let’s go ask.
Frodo and Sam run up to the front of the line and run beside Orc 4.
FRODO
Hey buddy, you know, this drafted thing is really ruining our vacation, would you mind if we deserted?
ORC 4
Yes, I’d mind! Are you saying that you’re vacation is more important than the war.
FRODO
Well, see, we’re not really on vacation.
SAM
(steps on Frodo’s foot to make him stop talking)
FRODO
Ow! Sam! Never do that while a person is running! (turns back to Orc 4) Now see—
SAM
(steps on Frodo’s foot again)
FRODO
Sam! Stop that! I’m trying to explain to this guy about our secret mission.
ORC 4
Secret mission! (stops dead and the orcs behind him into him and fall to the ground)
FRODO
(as more orcs fall over Orc 4) It’s not really a mission, is it?
SAM
No, it’s more of a quest. (more orcs fall in the background)
FRODO
Nah, what was it that Pippin called it back at the Council of Elrond?
SAM
A thing? (orcs are now in one huge pile)
FRODO
Yeah, that’s it, a thing. (looks around for Orc 4) Uh… buddy?
ORCS 4
(pokes head out from under pile of orcs) Did you say “secret mission”?
FRODO
(looks at Sam) Yeah, I think I did.
SAM
(nods)
FRODO
Yeah! I did.
ORC 4
You’re not… in the secret service… are you?
FRODO
Well, sort of…
ORC 4
Well, um, you can leave. And, um, there’s really no reason to tell Lug-burz about this, right?
FRODO
Okay.
ORC 4
Yeah. (runs off with Orc Ranks muttering) Lug-burz would kill me if he knew that I interfered with his secret service.
FRODO
Hmm… that was interesting. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
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Country: I wish I knew...
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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ROTK script (sort of) Part IV
Cut to Rohan Dudes carrying Eowyn to the Houses of Healing. Merry is following slowly. Pippins run up.
PIPPIN
OH, hey, Merry! You don’t look so good.
MERRY
Uh.
PIPPIN
In fact you look TERRIBLE.
MERRY
Uh.
PIPPIN
(puts his arm around Merry’s shoulders) C’mon. I know just where to take you.
Cut to Houses of Healing.
HEALER DUDE
He has a very bad fever. (looks at Faramir) Yup, he does.
GONDOR DUDE 2
Okay, so what about her? (gestures towards Eowyn)
HEALER DUDE
(shrugs) I dunno.
GONDOR DUDE 2
What!?! Are you a healer or not!?!
HEALER DUDE
Well, technically, I’m a Healer DUDE, which is completely diff—
GONDOR DUDE 2
(grabs Healer Dude’s shirt) What is wrong with her?
HEALER DUDE
She’s…uh…sick?
GONDOR DUDE 2
(letting go) oh.
PIPPIN
(enters supporting Merry) Um… a little help here.
HEALER PEOPLES
(come forward and take Merry. They put him on a bed next to Faramir and Eowyn)
PIPPIN
What’s wrong with him?
HEALER WOMAN
We get this all the time… It happens whenever someone gets too the close to the Nazgul. She has it too. (gestures towards Eowyn) There is no cure.
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(while jumping rope) Hey, Mommy! Maybe the King could heal him. You know what they used to say, “The hands of the King are the hands of a healer.”
HEALER WOMAN
How many times have I told you? Don’t jump rope around sick people!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(still jumping rope. Turns to Pippin) Did you know that the hands of the king are the hands of a healer? Didja, didja, didja?
PIPPIN
No.
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Well, they are, yup, yup! The hands of the king are the hands of a healer.
HEALER WOMAN
Get out of here, girl! Git!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(leaves)
PIPPIN
Hmm…
Cut to Arwen and Aragorn outside the city gates, talking to Gimli and the elf.
ARWEN
What!?! You didn’t tell Denethor that we were coming!?!
LEGOLAS
(confused) Were we supposed to?
ARWEN
Yes! (turns to Aragorn) We can’t stay here, it would be too much of an imposition for Denethor.
GIMLI
Um… Denethor is on vacation.
ARAGORN
(completely ignoring Gimli) And just what are we going to do then?
LEGOLAS
(responding to Gimli) He is?
ARWEN
We’re going to camp out here.
GIMLI
Yeah, he went to Pluto.
ARAGORN
Fine, I’ll go in and see if they have any tents.
LEGOLAS
But when is he going to be back?
ARWEN
(grabbing Aragorn’s sleeve as he starts to leave) Oh, no you don’t! We’re not even going in.
GIMLI
In about nine hundred years, give or take a century.
LEGOLAS
Huh?
ARAGORN
Then what are we going to camp in exactly?
GIMLI
Faramir is Acting Lord of Gondor until he gets back.
PIPPIN
(running in on their conversation) Hey, Aragorn! Aren’t you the rightful King of Gondor?
ARAGORN
Yeah.
PIPPIN
C’mon! (starts dragging Aragorn inside the city. Arwen stays behind but Gimli and the elf follow) We need you to heal Faramir, Eowyn, and Merry!
ARAGORN
Don’t they have Healer Peoples for that?
PIPPIN
Well, yeah… but they don’t know what to do and the hands of the King are the hands of a healer.
ARAGORN
Oh.
There is a sudden chorus of screams.
LEGOLAS
(confused) What was that?
Legolas’ groupies (a bunch of girls) suddenly appear out of nowhere and start climbing all over the elf.
LEGOLAS
HELP!!!!!!!!
PIPPIN
(drags Aragorn off towards the Houses of Healing)
GIMLI
(wading in amongst Legolas’ groupies) All right girls, that’s enough. Get off of him.
GROUPIE 1
(screaming) I love you Orlando!
LEGOLAS
(more confused) Who’s Orlando?
GIMLI
Get off him! I mean it!
Cut to Houses of Healing.
ARAGORN
Do you have any kingsfoil or not?
HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then it is called athelas in the noble tongue.
ARAGORN
I don’t care.
HEALER DUDE
But then to those who know Valinorean it is called asea.
ARAGORN
I DON’T CARE! Do you have any?
HEALER DUDE
Nope.
ARAGORN
Why didn’t you just tell me that?
HEALER DUDE
Well, you see milord. It is customary here in Gondor to waste the time of people on missions with some sort of nonsense. The custom is named wasteawords by the rustics but then in the noble in tongue it’s called—
ARAGORN
Never mind. Just go get me some kingsfoil.
HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics
ARAGORN
Sir.
HEALER DUDE
Name it. But then it is called athelas
ARAGORN
Sir!
HEALER DUDE
In the noble tongue.
ARAGORN
SIR!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
I’ll go get you some kingsfoil.
ARAGORN
Great, thank you!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(leaves)
HEALER DUDE
But then to those who know Valinorean it is called asea. I’m sorry, what were you saying?
ARAGORN
I asked you to go get me some kingsfoil
HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then it is called athelas in the noble tongue.
ARAGORN
(groans)
One hour later:
HEALER DUDE
Valinorean it is called asea. What were you saying again?
ARAGORN
Nothing! I wasn’t saying anything! And I especially wasn’t saying anything about kingsfoil! (clamps his hand over his mouth as he realizes what he just said)
HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil…
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Here’s the kingsfoil Mister. (hands Aragorn a small bag)
ARAGORN
Thanks. (leaves and comes back with a large book. He begins scribbling madly in it)
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
Whacha doin’, Mister?
ARAGORN
Crossing out the rest of HIS lines.
HEALER DUDE
Athelas in the noble tongue. But then (mouths the rest of the line)
ARAGORN
(grins) great. Now, I have people to heal. (puts the book down and leaves)
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(looks around to make sure that he’s gone, then picks up the book and starts writing in it)
Cut to Aragorn with Faramir and Healer Woman.
ARAGORN
(to Healer Woman) Bring me a bucket of cold water.
HEALER WOMAN
(leaves and comes back with a full bucket)
ARAGORN
(drops three leaves of kingsfoil…)
HEALER DUDE
(comes up behind the scriptwriter and mouths, “Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics name it. But then in the noble tongue it is called athe—“
Whereupon the scriptwriter punches Healer Dude.
HEALER DUDE
(falls down)
ARAGORN
(… leaves of kingsfoil in the bucket. He takes the bucket from Healer Woman and prepares to dumps it on Faramir’s face)
HEALER WOMAN
What are you doing?
ARAGORN
(dumps it)
FARAMIR
(sits up gasping)
ARAGORN
Works every time.
HEALER WOMAN
(stares dumbfounded)
ARAGORN
(pushes the bucket back into Healer Woman’s hands) Be a good girl and go fill that up again.
HEALER WOMAN
(leaves)
FARAMIR
Hey, aren’t you the king?
ARAGORN
Yes.
FARAMIR
What do you ask of me?
ARAGORN
One: stop walking in shadow. Two: get plenty of food and rest. And three: be ready when I call you. Okay?
FARAMIR
Okay. (lays down and goes back to sleep)
ARAGORN
(moves on to Eowyn)
EOMER
(is sitting next to Eowyn, holding her hand)
HEALER WOMAN
(comes back with full bucket)
ARAGORN
(drops leaves in bucket. He takes bucket from Healer Woman)
HEALER DUDE
(enters) Whacha doin, milord?
ARAGORN
What!?! What are you doing talking?
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(giggles in corner)
HEALER DUDE
Whacha doin’?
ARAGORN
(looks from Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails to Healer Dude and back to Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails. To Healer Woman’s Daughter in Pigtails) What did you do?
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(giggling) Nothing, Mister. I just gave him some new lines. (holds out the book to him)
ARAGORN
(takes the book from her and reads a few pages) No. (shakes head)
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
No?
ARAGORN
(shakes head) No.
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(to Healer Dude) C’mon. (takes his hand and leaves after taking the book back from Aragorn)
ARAGORN
Now, where was I? Oh yeah. (dumps bucket of water on Eowyn)
EOWYN
(sits up gasping)
EOMER
Eowyn! You’re awake!
EOWYN
Hey! You’re alive! But they told me that you were slain. But perhaps that was only the dark voices in my dreams.
DARK VOICE 1
Oh, sure. Always lay the blame on us!
DARK VOICE 2
We’ve got feeling too!
EOWYN
(ignoring Dark Voices 1 and 2) How long have I been dreaming?
ARAGORN
(slips out to leave them alone and to find Merry)
HEALER WOMAN
(follows Aragorn)
EOMER
Not long, my sister. Don’t think about it anymore.
EOWYN
I’m so sleepy.
EOMER
Hey! Who put these poppies in here!?!
Cut to Aragorn and Healer Woman with Merry. Pippin sits beside Merry.
ARAGORN
(dumps the bucket of water on Merry)
MERRY
(sits up gasping) I’m hungry. What time is it?
PIPPIN
After suppertime. But I could try and get you something.
MERRY
Great! Than I’ll have supper first and then I’d like a pipe. I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in my—
HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it.
ARAGORN
WHAT!?! Who gave him back his lines!?!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(laughs) I did, Mister. (holds up the book)
ARAGORN
Give that here!
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
No, Mister! (starts running)
ARAGORN
(starts chasing Healer Woman’s Daughter In Pigtails)
ARAGORN&HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(run around the room making lots of noise)
HEALER DUDE
But then it is called nialarin in the noble tougue. But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.
MERRY
Really? I didn’t know that. So anyway, as I was saying, I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in—
HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it. But then it is called nialarin in the noble tongue. But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.
MERRY
Yes, I heard that, thank you. Anyway, I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed—
HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it, But then it is called nialarin in the noble tongue But then to those who know Valinorean it is called nain.
MERRY
Yes, THANK you, that’s VERY INTERESTING. As I was saying, I has some of Saruman’s best pipe—
HEALER DUDE
Ah, pipeweed as the rustics name it.
SCRIPT WRITER
(enters with a frying pan) Here, allow me. (smacks Healer Dude upside the head with the frying pan)
MERRY
Thanks.
SCRIPT WRITER
No problem. (leaves)
HEALER WOMAN’S DAUGHTER IN PIGTAILS
(runs out of the room)
ARAGORN
(stops running and turns back towards Merry)
MERRY
So… I had some of Saruman’s best pipeweed in my pack… Boy does it feel nice to be able to finish a sentence. Anyway, I don’t know what happened to it. Probably got lost in the battle. Strider, do you think you could go find me some more pipeweed?
ARAGORN
Master Meriadoc, if you think I have gone through the mountains and the realm of Gondor, just to bring pipeweed to a careless soldier that has thrown away his pack, you are mistaken. I am tired and I’m going to find some place to get some sleep.
MERRY
Oh, I’m sorry! Go at once! Get your sleep!
ARAGORN
(leaves)
MERRY
Grump.
PIPPIN
(stifles a laugh)
MERRY
What?
PIPPIN
My dear hobbit, your pack is by your bed. You had it on when I found you. Of course he saw it all the time.
MERRY
(embarrassed) Oh.
Cut to Aragorn as he leaves the Houses of Healing.
HEALER DUDE 2
Milord! Milord! (runs up to Aragorn)
ARAGORN
Wha! What as you doing awake? We hit you with a frying…
HEALER DUDE 2
That must have been my twin brother.
ARAGORN
(raises an eyebrow) Really? (suspiciously) kingsfoil.
HEALER DUDE 2
What?
ARAGORN
Pipeweed.
HEALER DUDE 2
Huh?
ARAGORN
Okay, you pass.
HEALER DUDE 2
Oh, did you know that kingsfoil in the noble tongue is—
ARAGORN
ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (bolts)
HEALER DUDE 2
Sir! Sir! (runs after him)
ARAGORN
What?
HEALER DUDE 2
I wondered if you had any instructions on how to care for Lord Faramir and Lady Eowyn.
ARAGORN
Oh, yeah. Um, for Eowyn—
HEALER DUDE 2
Hang on. (digs through his pockets and pulls out a pink feathery pen and a fuzzy pad. He flips through it looking for a blank page) Okay, go ahead.
ARAGORN
Eowyn will want to get up and leave soon. Try and keep her here for at least ten days, if you can. Faramir should stay here for ten days also. And, um, you can tell him that his Dad went on vacation, just don’t tell him where Denethor went until he get s better.
HEALER DUDE 2
What about the short dude?
ARAGORN
If he wants to get up tomorrow, he can , for a little. Let him walk with his friends.
HEALER DUDE 2
(closes his pad) Okay, thanks. Bye.
ARAGORN
(leaves) |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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ROTK script (sort of) part V
Cut to Frodo and Sam as they walk though Mordor.
FRODO
I’m so tired. I need to rest, Sam.
They stop.
SAM
C’mon, Mr. Frodo, have something to eat. (hands him a wafer of lembas)
FRODO
(begins to eat) The ring is SO heavy, Sam.
SAM
(eagerly) I’ll carry it for you!
FRODO
NO! (clutches the ring)
SAM
Okay, then there’s only one thing to do, we have to make the ring seem lighter.
FRODO
But how?
SAM
(standing up) Well… you carry a lot of stuff so proportionally the ring will weigh less. (pulls three frying pans, two pots, a sword and a few sausage links out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)
FRODO
Sam.
SAM
(pulls five carrots, a sack of taters, a large pot, one of Gimli’s axes, a few shards of Narsil, and a helmet out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)
FRODO
Sam!
SAM
(pulls a coil of rope, a pipe, a harmonica, and Rosie Cotton out of his pack and piles it on Frodo)
FRODO
Sam, this is no place for a girl, though we do need a better cook.
SAM
(pulls Mr. Bilbo’s mithril coat out of his pack)
FRODO
Didn’t the orcs take that when they captured me?
STAGE HAND
(runs out and grabs the mithril coat from Sam and then runs back out)
SAM
Mr. Frodo, who was that?
FRODO
I don’t know. Strangest orc I’ve EVER seen.
SAM
(shrugs) oh, well. (pulls a bag of pipeweed, various spices, and a Palantir out of his pack and throws them on Frodo)
FRODO
Hey! (picks up the Palantir) Where did you get one of THESE?
SAM
(pulls a TV remote, a Koosh ball, three CDs, a portable boombox, two hoolahoops, a hair brush, a can opener, a microphone, and a rubber duck out of his pack and piles them on Frodo)
FRODO
Where did you get all this STUFF?
SAM
(pulls three spare blankets, some sneezing powder, and a bright blue cloak out of his pack and piles them on Frodo) There, done. (looks around for Frodo, but only sees a pile of junk) Mr. Frodo?
PILE OF JUNK
(sneezes)
SAM
(lifts up the cloak, revealing Frodo’s face) Mr. Frodo. What are you doing in there?
FRODO
Let me think….
SAM
Oh! I… right. Ready to go?
FRODO
I can’t move.
SAM
Oops. (uncovers Frodo and stows all the gear in his pack, except the sneezing powder, which he never found again) Ready now?
FRODO
I guess.
SAM
Okay.
They start off again and after about an hour the come to the foot of a mountain.
SAM
What is this?
FRODO
Mt. Doom, remember? The place we’re trying to get to?
SAM
Right. So do we climb this thing?
FRODO
(looks blankly at Sam) Yes.
Cut to Merry in the Houses of Healing, looking out over the Pelonnor fields as Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, the Gondor Dudes, and the Rohan Dudes prepare to march to the Black Gate of Mordor. Legolas’ Groupies stand as close as they can get to the elf and scream everytime he says anything, even though it’s mostly something like, “Huh?”
PIPPIN
(enters) So… I’m leaving soon.
MERRY
I still don’t get why you get to go oppose Sauron and I don’t.
PIPPIN
Let’s think about this shall we? You’re kind of stuck in the Houses of Healing. And somehow, I don’t think that it would work to bring this place with us.
MERRY
Okay, so why do YOU get to go?
PIPPIN
Why not? (sighs) Look. You know we’re only going to give Frodo and Sam a chance. I probably won’t come back. Be glad that you get to stay here.
MERRY
Humph.
PIPPIN
Let me get this straight: You would rather go risk you’re neck on a battle field where it’s likely you would get stepped on by something really… really… BIG, a place you probably wouldn’t come back from, than stay here where it is perfectly safe?
MERRY
(stares at Pippin) Yes.
PIPPIN
(shrugs) Too bad. (leaves)
Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, Pippin, and the Rohan Dudes leave for the Black Gate.
Cut to Eowyn in the Houses of Healing two days after the army left for the Black Gate.
EOWYN
(approaches Healer Dude 2) Sir, I am ready to go.
HEALER DUDE 2
Hang on a second. (turns back to Healer Dude) You were saying something about kingsfoil?
HEALER DUDE
Ah, kingsfoil as the rustics—
HEALER DUDE 2
(pats Healer Dude on the shoulder) That’s wonderful, now go over there (points to the corner) and amuse yourself with something shiny.
HEALER DUDE
(looks slightly like Legolas but goes over to the corner)
HEALER DUDE 2
(turns to Eowyn) Can I help you?
EOWYN
I am ready to go.
HEALER DUDE 2
(pulls out his fuzzy pad and reads one page) Sorry, this says I should keep you here for at least seven more days.
EOWYN
I’d like to see you try.
HEALER DUDE 2
Okay. (snaps his fingers and Gondor Dude 2 and 3 enter) Guard her.
GONDOR DUDE 1
(enters holding his head) What about me?
HEALER DUDE 2
You can just go back to the coffee room.
GONDOR DUDE 1
Darn! (leaves)
GONDOR DUDE 2&3
(step over beside Eowyn and prepare to take her back to her rooms)
EOWYN
Wait! Who is in charge of this city?
HEALER DUDE 2
You know, I really have no idea. Lord Denethor WAS. But then he went to Pluto. And then there’s rumor of some guy from up North being the rightful King of Gondor. But by rights Lord Faramir is the Steward of the City.
EOWYN
Then I wish to see him. Where can I find him?
HEALER DUDE
(sneaks up beside Healer Dude 2)
HEALER DUDE 2
In this very house. He was hurt too—
HEALER DUDE
He had a very bad fever.
HEALER DUDE 2
I thought I told you to go look at something shiny.
HEALER DUDE
(looks more like Legolas)
HEALER DUDE 2
Never mind. Just go look at something shiny NOW.
HEALER DUDE
(leaves)
HEALER DUDE 2
Come with me, I’ll get some one to take you. (to Gondor Dude 2 and 3) I guess you guys can go join Gondor Dude 1 again.
GONDOR DUDE 2&3
(leave)
Cut to Faramir standing out in the Garden.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(from offscreen) So, woman wazup?
EOWYN
(from offscreen) Will you just bring me to Lord Faramir, wierdo?
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
Aiight. (enters with Eowyn following behind him) Yo, yo, yo! Hiya, homey!
FARAMIR
Hiya.
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WORNG AGE
This here is the Lady Eowyn. She rode with the Majesty Dude and was hurt real bad. She’s getting’ better now. But she ain’t content and she wants to speak whichu. Got it, dawg?
EOWYN
Do not misunderstand him, Lord.
FARAMIR
Oh, it’s easy to do that, he’s a rapper servant stuck in the wrong age! Now what do you want to talk to me about? (leans close to Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age and whispers) That is what you said, isn’t it?
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(whispers back) Yeah, homey.
EOWYN
I cannot sit around doing nothing anymore. I looked for death in battle. But I’m not dead and the battle still goes on.
FARAMIR
(waves at the Rapper Servant Stuck in the Wrong Age to leave)
RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE
(leaves)
FARAMIR
So what do you want me to do? Don’t even think about asking me to run you through with a sword. (shivers) That Mark Antony thing gives me the creeps. Tell me what you want and if it is in my power to have it granted, I will do so. Unless it’s you-know-what.
EOWYN
I want you to tell the Healer Dude to let me go.
FARAMIR
Oh. I’m also a prisoner here, too. And I have not taken up my authority here in the city. But even if I had, it’s probably a good idea to listen to him, dontcha think? I mean he does know best about healing and—
EOWYN
I don’t want healing. I WANT to go to battle like my brother Eomer, or better, like Theoden the king.
FARAMIR
You want to fall down a rabbit hole?
EOWYN
NO!
FARAMIR
Sorry, sorry. Go on.
EOWYN
The healers say I should stay seven more days, but I couldn’t stand that. My window does not look eastward.
FARAMIR
Eastward? Your window does not face eastward? Is that all you want? I can give you a window looking eastward. Stay here, get your rest and generally be a good girl and you can walk here in this garden and look eastwards, towards the Black Gate, where all our hopes have gone. And maybe I will be here too. It would… um… ease my care if you would.
EOWYN
(raises eyebrow) Why should it ease your care? I don’t desire the speech of living men. Of course I really don’t exactly want a bunch of dead guys to rise out of their graves and talk to me. Though, it would be kinda cool, I mean…
FARAMIR
(gives Eowyn a weird look)
EOWYN
(looks embarrassed) Um… yeah… So why should it ease your care?
FARAMIR
(assuming Rapper Servant attitude) You da beautiful woman.
EOWYN
What?
FARAMIR
(resuming character) Oh, you want a plain answer.
EOWYN
Yes.
FARAMIR
You’re pretty… kinda sad too.
EOWYN
That’s nice.
FARAMIR
And you know It might not be long until we die, you know, with Sauren invading and all.
EOWYN
Sauron.
FARAMIR
That’s what I meant. Anyway, I thought it might ease my care if I could look at you while I still could.
EOWYN
No. I think you’ve got it all wrong. Don’t look to me for healing. I am a shieldmaiden and my hand is ungentle. But, um, thanks for letting me walk in the garden.
Five days later:
Faramir and Eowyn stand in the Garden.
FARAMIR
Whacha looking for?
EOWYN
The Black Gate.
FARAMIR
Um…The Black Gate is over there.
EOWYN
Oh. (is silent for appoximently 2.6 seconds) It has been seven days and we have still heard no word.
FARAMIR
Yup… Seven days. And they have brought me both a joy and pain that I didn’t think I would ever know. Joy to see you; but pain, because now the fear and doubt of this evil time have grown dark. Eowyn, I don’t want this world to end now, or lose so soon what I have found.
EOWYN
Lose what you have found, lord? (bites her nails, thinking) What in middle-earth have you found?
FARAMIR
This could take a while…
Cut to Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, the elf, Eomer, Pippin, the Gondor Dudes, and the Rohan Dudes as they ride down to the road towards the Black Gates. Zoom in on Pippin riding with Aragorn and Gandalf, with Gimli and the elf close behind.
PIPPIN
We’ve been riding for an awful long time. When are we going to stop, Aragorn?
ARAGORN
I dunno. Soon I guess.
PIPPIN
There’s a dirty great lump in this saddle. (reaches under the saddle and pulls out one of Gimli’s axes) Huh?
LEGOLAS
(looking confused. What else is new?) Isn’t that my line?
GIMLI
I was wondering where that had got to. Give it here.
PIPPIN
(throws it towards Gimli)
LEGOLAS
(catches it before Gimli can and gallops away from him)
GIMLI
(rides after him)
PIPPIN
I’m tired.
GANDALF
(looks back at the Rohan/Gondor Dudes, as Gimli chases the elf through the ranks, still trying to get his axe back) The Dudes look tired too. (turns to Aragorn) Maybe you should lead them in a rousing Marching Song.
ARAGORN
But I don’t know any.
PIPPIN
Then just make one up. Hobbits do it all the time.
ARAGORN
Well, if hobbits can do it…
LEGOLAS
(from offscreen) I’m confused. Why are you chasing me again?
GIMLI
(from offscreen) To get MY AXE BACK!
LEGOLAS
(from offscreen) Oh. Right. Oooff. Ow! Ow!
GANDALF
Excuse me. (as he leaves) Gimli! Get off him! C’mon, stop hitting him! Legolas! Just give him back the axe!
PIPPIN
(to Aragorn) So… how about that rousing Marching Song?
ARAGORN
Oh, yeah… Um… how about this (starts singing rather loudly to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star) Marching, Marching, is such fun. Our feet hurt, and our legs too. Marching into battle now! We will prob’ly not come back! Marching, Marching is such fun. Our feet hurt and our legs too.
PIPPIN
(gives Aragorn a strange look along with most of the Dudes around them) I don’t think so, Aragorn.
ARAGORN
Oh… okay. Then how about (starts singing even louder to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb) I have a bunch of big tall dudes, big tall dudes, big tall dudes. I have a bunch of big tall dudes, whose helms are white as snow. We are going to battle now, battle now, battle now. We are going to battle now, where we will prob’ly die.
PIPPIN
(gives Aragorn a weirder look) No. (shakes head)
ARAGORN
No?
PIPPIN
No.
ARAGORN
Okay, then (starts singing louder still to the tune of Happy Birthday) We are going to battle! We are going to battle! We are going to battle now! Where we are going to die!
PIPPIN
(giving him the weirdest look ever) What’s with the dying thing? Rousing songs are supposed to be happy and confident! None of this dying stuff.
ARAGORN
Oh, and I suppose you can do better?
PIPPIN
Of course I can.
ARAGORN
Well, then go right ahead.
PIPPIN
(starts singing to the tune of We Will Rock You) Orkies, you’re ugly. Makin’ a big noise marchin’ in the street. We’re gonna pound you into pulp someday. You’ve got slime on your face, you big disgrace. Waving that red eye all over the place. We will, we will beat you! We will, we will beat you!
ARAGORN
(raises eyebrow) Orkies?
PIPPIN
Oh, shut up.
After three hours:
ARAGORN
ORKIES?
PIPPIN
I said SHUT UP!
ARAGORN
But still… ORKIES?
PIPPIN
As if that’s worse than “We are going to battle now where we prob’ly die”.
LEGOLAS
(rides up behind Pippin with a black eye) Doesn’t sound bad to me.
ARAGORN
Why thank you.
LEGOLAS
Actually, it sounds pretty good.
PIPPIN
Oh, please…
ARAGORN
I thought so too.
PIPPIN
Hey, look the Black Gate!
ARAGORN
(stares wide eyed at the gate and gulps)
GANDALF
(rides up behind Aragorn) Oh look, we’re here.
ARAGORN
(gulps again)
GANDALF
Why don’t we go say hi to Sauron, hmm?
ARAGORN
Go… say hi … to Sauron?
GANDALF
That is what I said.
ARAGORN&GANDALF&LEGOLAS&GIMLI&PIPPIN
(ride up to the black gate)
ROHAN&GONDOR DUDES
(stop about a hundred feet back from them)
GANDALF
(knocks on the gate with his staff)
SAURON’S SERVANT
May I help you?
GANDALF
We just came over to see Sauron.
SAURON’S SERVANT
And you would be?
GANDALF
Hmm? What’s that?
SAURON’S SERVANT
I said “And you would be?”
GANDALF
(looks slightly confused)
ARAGORN
He wants to know your name.
GANDALF
Ah, yes of course (leans in close to Aragorn and whispers) What’s my name again?
ARAGORN
Gandalf.
GANDALF
Ah, yes… Gandalf… that is what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey.
LEGOLAS
But he’s Gandalf the White now, right?
ARAGORN
No. Why would he be Gandalf the White?
GANDALF
See, I fought with the Balrog and then I died.
ARAGORN
But you’re alive now.
GANDALF
Yes.
LEGOLAS
So you’re Gandalf the… (stops and scratches his head) Who is he?
ARAGORN
I don’t know. I’m confused.
LEGOLAS
Me too… I think.
SAURON’S SERVANT
(looks at them blankly for a little while and then turns to Pippin while they jabber on in the background) Do YOU know who you are?
PIPPIN
Yes. I’m Peregrin son of Paladin of the house of Took.
SAURON’S SERVANT
I’ll tell Sauron you’re here.
Gandalf, Aragorn, and the elf continue to try to figure out what Gandalf’s name is and then:
GANDALF
Okay, so my name is Gandalf the Grey, we all agree on that?
LEGOLAS
No… it’s Gandalf the White (turns to Aragorn) isn’t it?
ARAGORN
I think so… but it used to be… (turns to Gandalf) Which one do you WANT to be?
GANDALF
Well… Gandalf the White DOES have a nice ring to it.
GOLLUM
Ring? It has the Preccioussss? We wantsss it! We wantsss it!
LEGOLAS
He isn’t in this scene… is he?
GOLLUM
Nasty fat elf… doesn’t know what it’s talking about. (slinks off)
LEGOLAS
Did he just call me fat?
ARAGORN
(nods) Yeah he did.
GANDALF
Okay… so my name is Gandalf the White?
ARAGORN
Yes.
LEGOLAS
No…
ARAGORN
But you just said—
GANDALF
Okay… then my name is Gandalf the White?
ARAGORN
Yes.
LEGOLAS
No—
ARAGORN
Be quiet!
GANDALF
(turns around looking for Sauron’s Servant) Where did he go?
PIPPIN
He left… a LO | |
