Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
World disassembled
World disassembled

by Princess in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 28, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Fallen Angel
The Broken -- Chapter One -- First Draft
Pandora's Tears - Chapter One - Demons
Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 1
Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 3
The Broken -- Chapter One
The Broken -- Chapter Two
The Broken -- Traitor Colonel -- Chapter One
The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Two
The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Three
The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Four
The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Five

Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 2

Topic ID: 18317
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Sureal   View This User's Portfolio
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist

456
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 3217
Reviews: 456
Country: England
483 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 10:35 pm    Post subject: Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 2 Reply with quote

Chapter One

(Part 1.)

2.

Standing up, Tess caught a glimpse of her hands. A thin trail of sick scampered across the back of her right hand, left there from when she had wiped her mouth. Her lips curved back in distaste. ‘Eww,’ she said, holding her hand as far from her body as she could. Now she had noticed it, she could feel it on her skin: warmish, and a touch sticky.

Holding it away from her as though it were diseased, she walked to the washbasin. Sarah paused by the exit, and looked down at Tess’ hand. ‘Um, you’re washing that, right?’

‘Well, I’m hardly going to just leave it there, am I?’ Twisting the rusty taps with her free left hand, Tess ran her hands under the spray of water. As she cleaned, rubbing the muck from her hand, her gaze slid to the small mirror nailed to the wall in front of her.

Tess’ skin was fair, boarding pale, with a few freckles dotting her cheeks. She had never really liked the freckles, and for a while had smothered her skin in makeup to hide them. Now days she couldn’t be bothered to put in the time and effort required, and just left them. She remembered a little while ago, whilst rather drunk, her and Sarah had named each of them for a joke.

Framing her rather narrow face, her hair was long, thick and brown. For the party, she had taken care to style it, and twist it into something that was, actually, not half bad. But most days she usually couldn’t be bothered to put the time into it, and just sort of cleaned it, combed it, and then left it.

Sarah’s face slid into the reflection beside Tess’. ‘Admiring yourself again, Tess?’

‘I wish I had something worth admiring.’

‘Oh, shut up.’ Sarah shook her head, and opened the door. The music increased in volume as it flooded in. ‘You’re lovely and you know it.’

‘Whatever.’ Tess twisted the taps back again, and turned to follow Sarah. Just on the fringe of eyesight, that blurry point where seemingly anything can happen, she caught another glimpse of her reflection. And, it seemed to Tess, it had changed:

Pallid, scabbed skin. Messy, long, rank, black hair. Pale lips; dark red irises; scarred nose.

Her heart thumped once, extra hard, and she turned back to look again. But her reflection looked the same as usual, and her familiar face stared back at her. She began to smile, and then laughed. ‘I’m jumping at shadows,’ she murmured, amused at her own behaviour. Everyone knew not to take what you saw in the corner of your eye seriously.

‘Tess, you okay?’ Sarah had re-entered the toilets. ‘If you’re still feeling ill, maybe we should go outside. Fresh air will do you go.’

Turning from the mirror, Tess said, ‘I’m fine. Really.’ She waved a hand dismissively. ‘But, how about we go outside anyway? It’s boiling in here.’ The cool night air would be a welcome break from the humidity inside, which had built up from the many dancing bodies within the hall.

‘Yeah, sure,’ Sarah said.

(Shorter than the last part, but part three - probably - will be the longest in Chapter One...

So yeah, the fantasy aspects are starting to come into play, but it's not really until the begining of Chapter Two that you'll see them in the full swing.

So - opinions, everyone?)

(Part 3.)


_________________
The Broken.

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

Since 7th Sep: 9,400 words down, only 90,600 to go!


Last edited by Sureal on Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:33 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jiggity   View This User's Portfolio
The Sinister Jigster
Master of the Forum

601
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 19
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Posts: 1912
Reviews: 601
Country: Australia
1951 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Fresh air will do you go


As usual, very well written, flows nicely too, with the rest. I'll just say that I would have liked the periphal vision thing, to have been more sudden. For some reason, it ... just didnt surprise, in the way you did it. Was that intentional?

Quote:
Just on the fringe of eyesight, that blurry point where seemingly anything can happen, she caught another glimpse of her reflection.And, it seemed to Tess, it had changed:

Pallid, scabbed skin. Messy, long, rank, black hair. Pale lips; scarred nose; dark red irises glared back at her.

Her heart thumped once, extra hard,


That's how I'd've done it, or in a similar fashion anyway. Still, the way you didnt bring attention it, was perhaps a stylistic thing. I dunno, just a suggestion.

Its going very well.

_________________
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail

Got YWS?

To escape hypocrisy is to loathe one's self.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Leja   View This User's Portfolio
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist

788
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Twisting the rusty taps with her free left hand, Tess ran her hands under the spray of water.


Distinguishing her free hand as her left hand is unnecessary and a little clutter-y. Unless her vomit is radioactive and will mutate her other hand later in the story? Okay. I'll stop being facetious. Boy, I hope you have sense of humour!

Quote:
As she cleaned, rubbing the muck from her hand, her gaze slid to the small mirror nailed to the wall in front of her.

Tess’ skin was fair, boarding pale, with a few freckles dotting her cheeks. She had never really liked the freckles, and for a while had smothered her skin in makeup to hide them. Now days she couldn’t be bothered to put in the time and effort required, and just left them. She remembered a little while ago, whilst rather drunk, her and Sarah had named each of them for a joke.

Framing her rather narrow face, her hair was long, thick and brown. For the party, she had taken care to style it, and twist it into something that was, actually, not half bad. But most days she usually couldn’t be bothered to put the time into it, and just sort of cleaned it, combed it, and then left it.


I've read more than a few stories in which the main character's features are revealed through looking in a mirror. Personally, I think it's cliche. I also think that two paragraphs is a bit too long to dwell on it.

EDIT: Okay, okay. I finished reading the whole section now, and see how the mirror is relevant. I still think that she could have caught her reflection in something else, like the sink's faucet, or a door handle, but I see the point. When her reflection changes, howeveer, I don't like how the features were just listed. While I think you dwell too long on her features the first time around, I wish you'd either chosen fewer features to list, or put it into a full sentence, however bare bones.

Quote:
‘I wish I had something worth admiring.’


argh! I can't stand self-deprecation. But that's only half my point. If it's going to occur, I hope it, or a similar personality trait, will remain, or change, but not appear and then go away, throughout the story.

EDIT: Again, I see the point of this, to break her initial gaze, but I do hope it will continue to factor in [as much as the personality trait bugs me Smile] and not just disappear altogether.

Quote:
‘I’m jumping at shadows,’ she murmured, amused at her own behaviour. Everyone knew not to take what you saw in the corner of your eye seriously.


Being amused and murmering: neither seems to really lend itself to the other; amused sounds too lively, and murmuring sounds too dreamlike and lyrical. I'd say something like muttered or mumbled instead. I'd also change "everyone knew" to "everyone knows" unless it's significant that in the past everyone knew not to take this stuff seriously, but mindsets [not just the main character's] are changing.

Quote:
The cool night air would be a welcome break from the humidity inside, which had built up from the many dancing bodies within the hall.


This sentence seemed to digress and tangent a little. I'd restructure to The cool night air would be a welcome break since the many dancing bodies had built up humidity inside the hall. Just a thought.

Yay! Some fantasy is coming out of the woodwork *dances* I will be watching to see where this goes ...

So I hope I've been helpful. PM me if you have any questions Very Happy

_________________
Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
Snuggly
Writer of Legend

2137
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8716
Reviews: 2137
Country: USA
1931 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Meh, there's something missing with this, and that means that I'll have to pummel you because it's part 3 that's missing and why, why, WHY did you post this without posting part 3, because I hate cliffhangers!

Anyway, I just want to comment on the style... it's kind of weird, I think, but the weirdest thing about it is that it doesn't lend itself to visuals that much. I mean, you do describe visuals, but you describe them so that they seem seperate from the story. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. But yeah. This part goes well with the first part, but as I said in the first part, Tess's character is strange and thus her character is just a ghost for me.

_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh

Video Critiques by Yours Truly. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Gadi.   View This User's Portfolio
O FOR VICTORY!
Speaker of the Forum

394
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 994
Reviews: 394
Country: under the covers
190 Points

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 12:28 am    Post subject: Again Reply with quote

Again, excellent. I just like your voice and the story itself is nicely done. But now I am already kind of tired. Is the sotry about her troubles with alcohol, or about some fantasy related thing?

Quote:
'Oh, shut up.’ Sarah shook her head


Not realistic. Maybe, "Oh Shut up," Sarah hiccupped (or maybe Sarah glared into the mirror playfully.)

Othewise, extremely well-written.

_________________
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
flytodreams   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

76
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 12
Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 251
Reviews: 76
Country: U.A.E
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was great!
I'm sorry I can't find anything wrong with it...Sad But it was nice, and I wonder what was up with the reflection that wasn't hers..Very Happy

_________________
That's what I go to school for, even though it is a real bore. You can call me crazy, but I know that she craves me. ~ What I Go To School For --Busted
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
fothi   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

25
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 03 Aug 2007
Posts: 36
Reviews: 25
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 3:54 pm    Post subject: Niice Reply with quote

It was nice.. I felt like it was a bit too short, honestly. It got a little bit accomplished, but I feel like you could have included at least part if not all of this in chapter one... or split it between one and three.

"Standing up, Tess caught a glimpse of her hands. A thin trail of sick scampered across the back of her right hand, left there from when she had wiped her mouth. Her lips curved back in distaste. ‘Eww,’ she said, holding her hand as far from her body as she could. Now she had noticed it, she could feel it on her skin: warmish, and a touch sticky."

Not sure whether this is the best way to start off... the image is vivid, but very unpleasant.... My face kind of scrunched up when I was reading it, and I don't think you want people to get queasy when they first start reading, do you? haha

"‘Oh, shut up.’ Sarah shook her head, and opened the door. The music increased in volume as it flooded in. ‘You’re lovely and you know it.’ "
Do you have sisters? Or watch a lot of movies? Haha or are you just a natural at knowing how girls act? This is pretty classic... annoying but classic.

"Everyone knew not to take what you saw in the corner of your eye seriously."
Hm... I don't know whether that's the best line to have her dismiss what she just said. Maybe a better excuse would be that she'd had a couple drinks... or she was a bit dizzy from throwing up so much...

_________________
~Faith T
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Lynlyn   View This User's Portfolio
the ocean is full of water
Novelist

167
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Apr 2007
Posts: 418
Reviews: 167
Country: Yeah. A little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll.
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I have to admit that when I was reading the description of her vomiting in the first chapter I actually gagged because I was so grossed out. Whether or not that's what you're going for, heh...

I also agree that the mirror part is a sort of cliched way of introducing a character's looks: I see that it becomes relevant, but it's just that I've read SO many stories where the character gazes into a mirror, into a pool of water, etc; at least when Tess does it it's not while she's "admiringly brushing her locks" or something.

The only other bit I thought was funny was the "messy, long, rank black hair" - that's four adjectives in a row so it comes across like laundry listing. Also, where she's described as "boarding pale," I think you may have meant bordering.

Those are my only nitpicks, other than that it looks great to me. I'm off to read the third bit now. Smile

_________________
"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae." -Kurt Vonnegut
Lynlyn's Magical Critique Emporium
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Sureal   View This User's Portfolio
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist

456
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 3217
Reviews: 456
Country: England
483 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone: Again, thank you all for your helpful crits. They'll help me when I come to edit this. Smile


Snoink: The reason Tess' character is rather strange, is because I haven't quite got the 'feel' for her yet. When I come back to edit this, I'll beat her 'till she makes more sense.


Amelia and Lynlyn: Yeah, I'm not too fond of the mirror-description-thing either. I'm thinking that when I come back to edit this, I'll describe Tess, and then have her look in the mirror.


fothi: I'm only actually splitting the chapters up because I find sitting down and writing a 3,000 word chapter to be a bit daunting.

Writing 'parts' that are between 500 and 1500 words is a lot more comfortable for me.

_________________
The Broken.

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

Since 7th Sep: 9,400 words down, only 90,600 to go!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kim   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

317
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2007
Posts: 338
Reviews: 317

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i like this, and could sense where you were going, it is very good, now i am going to go keep reading, got to read the next chapter.

kim
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 495
Reviews: 53

155 Points

PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like how the story's going but I'm having a trouble connecting with the main character. She just seems so shallow to me. Work on her personality more, like maybe explain why it feels like she's just floating through life. Stuff like really moves the story along.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 28, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 28, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society