Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
To Drown
To Drown

by BumbleBear in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on June 3, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Untitled

Topic ID: 16789
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1325
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 3:55 pm    Post subject: Untitled Reply with quote

This is the beginning of Claire and mine's second joint novel. The rest of chapter one will be posted when we've written it...

Chapter One

Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings curiously. His companions' faces flickered in and out of his vision by the light of a candle. The wooden abode was warm due to little ventilation. All the shutters were firmly closed in a feeble attempt to prevent the moonlight from seeping through and casting a dim glow upon the room. This dim glow allowed Mr Pailey to trace the shapes of the shelves which aligned the walls, an oak table which stood to one side, and a large, solid oven which was placed all alone in the corner.

“We have just arrived at Mr Farriner's bakery,” The tour guide glanced at his watch, “The date is the 2nd of September, 1666, a little after midnight, if you will just look straight ahead, you can see an oven in the corner...” As the tour guide spoke, the aroma of bread and pastries lingered in the air.

“Farriner's bakery, Farriner, would this be in London?” The historian muttered, more to himself than to anyone else. He withdrew a notebook from his pocket and started to sketch the layout of the room.

“That's right, London. Pudding Lane to be precise,” The tour guide repeated the action of checking his watch, “You're all in for such a treat, this is a very important moment in history!”

“Pudding Lane, what a funny name! And what have we come to see?” An elderly lady demanded. She was situated towards the back of the group, trying to crane her neck over the members in front.

“Don't be stupid!” Her beloved husband snapped and added as an after thought, “Darling. We've come to see how bread was baked in the 17th century of course.”

“I'm not stupid... sweetheart. Why would we make bread at midnight you nutcase!” The elderly lady replied smugly. Mr Pailey chuckled to himself at the old couples' conversation. He was well aware that they had decided to take the tour to try and rekindle their love for one another. Although, he also knew full well that no amount of calling each other “darling” was going to aid their broken marriage.

“No, in this very building, in roughly two minutes, the Great Fire of London is going to start from that very oven,” The tour guide exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Emm... I might be wrong but shouldn't we watch the fire from outside the building?” Mr Pailey pointed out potently. As the heat of the room adjusted from simmering to boiling, Mr Pailey started to retreat. Members of the tour group groaned as he pushed against them, making an attempt to leave the room. Obviously, burning alive wasn't as big a tragedy to them. Flames had just started to erupt from the oven but the tour guide was still rooted to the spot, pointing at this very same object and explaining what it was made of, who by and most important of all, how much it weighed.

“No way! Surely it's lighter than that!” A young man objected.

“No, I swear it's the truth, on one of the trips I had someone weigh it. We had to come a whole day earlier, Mr Farriner was so confused, bless him! We persuaded him it was necessary we weighed the oven to check it's safety, oh the irony,” The tour guide chuckled. Mr Pailey was rather agitated at this point, probably because the flames had started to spread and were engulfing the whole oven.

“Has anyone realised that we are about to be burnt alive?” He shouted above the talk of average oven weights of the 17th century.

“Oh come now Mr Pailey. The real excitement is when the shop assistant comes in to warn the family that their house is on fire and then they all make to escape from the upstairs window. Perhaps we should all station ourselves upstairs now... then again, I do suppose last time many of my group got severe burns, then there was the time I miscalculated when the fire would start. Lost half the group, what a shame,” The tour guide shook his head solemnly, “Oh look at that, half the building is already alight,” His face lit up once more. After this comment, the tour group all rushed to the door and filtered out into the street. Smog hung heavily in the air. The group simultaneously raised their hands to their mouths, trying to quench the sickly feeling brought on by the smell of the sewer. The tour guide beckoned them into a nearby building, wanting to show them something of interest.

“Come, come, look a 17th century sewing device!” He beamed, “and see this roof, what is it made of?” He pointed at the cottage's quaint roof.

“Why, it's a thatched roof, made of straw!” A young woman wearing spectacles exclaimed.

“Correct, a great material for fire! Very soon the fire will spread rapidly across this roof, the interior and wooden frame won't stand a chance,” He patted the wooden wall of the cottage. In reply to this, a little boy who was gripping his mother's hand started to scream. Not long after, the fire could be seen ducking and diving through the thatched roof. The tour group once more filtered out onto the street. It was astonishing how quick the fire had spread, buildings everywhere were erupting. The smoldering fire lapped up all in it's path. The smog was now twice as heavy, a loud crackling could be heard amid the street's residents' screams. Many of the residents rushed past the tour group, shouting for help, their simple peasant clothing now baked in smoke. The little boy of the tour group started to sing the popular song 'London's Burning', to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented,

“A fine tune that be!”


_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.


Last edited by Kitty15 on Sat Aug 04, 2007 12:48 pm; edited 4 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Myth   View This User's Portfolio
.: #_O :.
Epic Novelist

820
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 74
Joined: 23 Dec 2005
Posts: 3115
Reviews: 820
Country: Down a rabbit hole?
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 5:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Quote:
“I'm not stupid... sweetheart. Why would we make bread at midnight you nutcase?!” The elderly lady replied smugly.


Use either the question or exclamation mark, not both!

Quote:
Em I might be wrong but shouldn't we watch the fire from outside the building?” Mr Pailey pointed out potently.


Confusion here. At first I thought ‘Em’ was someone’s name but realised Mr Pailey was hesitating, so there should be a comma there, or, if you prefer, ellipses. Or a dash, which I use.

Quote:
Members of the tour group growled as he pushed against them, making an attempt to leave the room.


Your choice but why not ‘groan’ or ‘moan’ rather than ‘growl’? That suggests a fiercer reaction than what people would do when pushed in a crowd, etc.

Quote:
Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still rooted to the spot, pointing at this oven and explaining what it was made of, who by and most importantly of all, how much it weighed.


It reads better if the wording was something like: ... and most importantly ... If you prefer you could have: ... most important of all …

Quote:
“Has anyone realised that we are about to be burnt alive?!” He shouted above the talk of average oven weights of the 17th century.


Again, use either one not both.

Quote:
“Oh come now Mr Pailey, the real excitement is when the shop assistant comes in to warn the family that their house is on fire, then they all make to escape from the upstairs window, perhaps we should all station ourselves upstairs now... then again, I do suppose last time many of my group got severe burns, then there was the time I miscalculated when the fire would start. ost half the group, oh deary me,” The tour guide shook his head solemnly, “Oh look at that, half the building is already alight,” His face lit up once more.


#_# A little hard to read as the sentence runs on and ‘ost’ should be ‘Lost’.

Quote:
Smog hung heavily in the air.


Shouldn’t that be ‘smoke’?

Quote:
The little boy of the tour group started to sing the popular song London's Burning, to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented,
“A fine tune that be!”


Maybe have that in quotation marks or italic?

*

Hello!

In return for reading and critiquing my sketch I’ve critiqued this.

Very interesting, especially as all the characters seem half mad and Mr Pailey is the only one with enough sense to know this is wrong. A delight read, is there more to come?

I noticed you didn’t tag your dialogue properly. ‘He/She said’ doesn’t always have to be capitalised and here you have ‘The tour guide...’

I’d love to read more or anything else you’ve written.

Myth

_________________
.: ₪ :.

'...'
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1325
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you! We've just started this one and are currently working on it but if you want to read any of mine/our work just have a look at my profile. If you like Mr Pailey, I suggest you start reading 'suns, planets and a whole load of balls' because he features later in that novel as a main character. I'm going to make some of those changes now...

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Phoenix57flame   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 18
Reviews: 12

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

W00p I have an account now heath!... I'm Kitty15's sister... who co wrote this piece.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
fusion_7   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Jul 2007
Posts: 17
Reviews: 5
Country: Georgia, land of the non-intoxicated Russians
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 11:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings in a very curious manner" - this means the way he looked around was curious, not that he looked around curiously. I would revise it to make it clearer. Consider "looked about his surroundings curiously / with curiosity"


"Mr Pailey pointed out potently" - this kind of fits, but do you mean patiently? Besides, pointing something out carries the meaning of what you're trying to express, i think - you may not need an adverb

"Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still..." - I would personally slap a "but" in there, before "the tour guide" - it makes it funnier in my opinion.

Those were the only things I could find, but I loved that the little boy from the tour group gave the tune of the nursery rhyme to a passerby, resulting in him writing it etc. It's good to end on a paradox.

_________________
Three things in life are certain: Death, Taxes, and Plov.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jasmine Hart   View This User's Portfolio
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum

319
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 800
Reviews: 319
Country: Ireland
432 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay!I just found this! Ditto what Fusion said about the first line. I think you'd need to say "view" or "his vision" as oppose to just "vision". (Which has now lost all meaning!Lol.) I'd also say "due to little ventilation" instead of "with", and I'm not sure about teh use of the word "abode." It sounds a little too vague. I'd like to know more about where he's staying, and abode doesn't really convey this.Also, I'd say "was warm" instead of "felt warm", it would just sound more certain.
I think "prevent" would work bette than "deny", but that sentence is generally excellent.I'd also put a "the" before "shelves".Also, "which was placed" instead of "that".
This paragraph set the scene very well, and was very vivid.The atmosphere is also well established.
The second paragraph is very good, but I'd say "filled" instead of "lingered". I can't really give a reason...
In the next paragraph I'd say "withdrew" or "drew" or something like that instead of "retreived", as "retreived" implies that we had just watched him putting it into his pocket.
I'd put a full stop after "London" as oppose to a comma, as it makes the dialogue sound more natural.
I'd also put an exclamation mark after "what a funny name". This is a very good paragraph.
Lol. The next one is great, and teh next, though I'm not sure that "tittering" is the right word in this context.Below-the-surface conflict seems to be bubbeling, and I really don't think they would be giggeling, it kind of trivialises what's going on between them.
I think you need to build up to thje fire more, like have the oven hissing or spitting sparks a little while before, adn being ignored, because the suddenness fo this moment really weakend its impact.Lol. Very good about the tourguide though.That's classic.
Lol. Very good. Though I'm not sure "oh deary me" is right. It sounds like a bit of an old woman tyhing to say, adn I'm not sure it fits in with teh character as he's been portrayed until now.
Lol. That last paraghraph was great.
Overall, this was very good, well written, humorous, and fresh, a very fitting opening to the sequel. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1325
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

fusion - Thanks very much for the suggestions. I shall drag Claire down here later today so that we can make some changes.

Jasmine - Hi there, thanks for the critique! It's great to hear from someone who's read the first novel. Well most of it. Lol. I don't believe I actually sent you the ending. I keep meaning to but I'm always on the laptop... How about this, I promise that you shall have it before the end of the month.

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Jasmine Hart   View This User's Portfolio
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum

319
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 800
Reviews: 319
Country: Ireland
432 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Kit. I'm looking forward to it! Though I think I may need to skim over some of the last one first to refresh my memory...

_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Reyu   View This User's Portfolio
Hire me Robot Chicken!
Novelist

122
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 23
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 316
Reviews: 122

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 3:03 am    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

kitty15 wrote:
This is the beginning of Claire and mine's second joint novel. The rest of chapter one will be posted when we've written it...

Chapter One

Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings in a very curious manner. His companions' faces flickered in and out of vision by the light of a candle. The wooden abode felt warm with little ventilation. All the shutters were firmly closed in a feeble attempt to deny the moonlight from seeping through and casting a dim glow upon the room. This dim glow allowed Mr Pailey to trace the shapes of shelves which aligned the walls, an oak table which stood to one side, and a large, solid oven that was placed all alone in the corner.

Candle light in a science fiction? If you say so Cool

“We have just arrived at Mr Farriner's bakery,” The tour guide glanced at his watch, “The date is the 2nd of September, 1666, a little after midnight, if you will just look straight ahead, you can see an oven in the corner...” As the tour guide spoke, the aroma of bread and pastries lingered in the air.

“Farriner's bakery, Farriner, would this be in London?” The historian muttered, more to himself than to anyone else. He retrieved a notebook from his pocket and started to sketch the layout of the room.

“That's right, London, Pudding Lane to be precise,” The tour guide repeated the action of checking his watch, “You're all in for such a treat, this is a very important moment in history!”

Awesome! They must be in some type of museum for the past thing >< I love science fiction.

“Pudding Lane! What a funny name, and what have we come to see?” An elderly lady demanded. She was situated towards the back of the group, trying to crane her neck over the members in front.

“Don't be stupid!” Her beloved husband snapped and added as an after thought, “Darling. We've come to see how bread was baked in the 17th century of course.”

“I'm not stupid... sweetheart. Why would we make bread at midnight you nutcase!” The elderly lady replied smugly. Mr Pailey chuckled to himself at the old couples' tittering. He was well aware that they had decided to take the tour to try and rekindle their love for one another. Although, he also knew full well that no amount of calling each other “darling” was going to aid their broken marriage.

“No, in this very building, in roughly two minutes, the Great Fire of London is going to start from that very oven,” The tour guide exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Emm... I might be wrong but shouldn't we watch the fire from outside the building?” Mr Pailey pointed out potently. As the heat of the room adjusted from simmering to boiling, Mr Pailey started to retreat. Members of the tour group groaned as he pushed against them, making an attempt to leave the room. Obviously, burning alive wasn't as big a tragedy to them. Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still rooted to the spot, pointing at this oven and explaining what it was made of, who by and most important of all, how much it weighed.

Not a big deal, but I don't like 'emm...' or 'uhhh...' or 'umm...'. All of these *grunts* can be replaced by words. I do see the effect though. People always do it, hell, I say 'umm' sometimes when someone talks to me. Nothing big

“No way! Surely it's lighter than that!” A young man objected.

“No, I swear it's the truth, on one of the trips I had someone weigh it. We had to come a whole day earlier, Mr Farriner was so confused, bless him! We persuaded him it was necessary we weighed the oven to check it's safety, oh the irony,” The tour guide chuckled. Mr Pailey was rather agitated at this point, probably because the flames had started to spread and were engulfing the whole oven.

“Has anyone realised that we are about to be burnt alive?” He shouted above the talk of average oven weights of the 17th century.

“Oh come now Mr Pailey, the real excitement is when the shop assistant comes in to warn the family that their house is on fire and then they all make to escape from the upstairs window. Perhaps we should all station ourselves upstairs now... then again, I do suppose last time many of my group got severe burns, then there was the time I miscalculated when the fire would start. Lost half the group, oh deary me,” The tour guide shook his head solemnly, “Oh look at that, half the building is already alight,” His face lit up once more. After this comment, the tour group all rushed to the door and filtered out into the street. Smog hung heavily in the air. The group simultaneously raised their hands to their mouths, trying to quench the sickly feeling brought on by the smell of the sewer. The tour guide beckoned them into a nearby building, wanting to show them something of interest.

Run-on sentence to the first period. I think it's just missing a comma.

“Come, come, look! A 17th century sewing device!” He beamed, “and see this roof, what is it made of?” He pointed at the cottage's quaint roof.

“Why, it's a thatched roof, made of straw!” A young woman wearing spectacles exclaimed.

“Correct, a great material for fire! Very soon the fire will spread rapidly across this roof, the interior and wooden frame won't stand a chance,” He patted the wooden wall of the cottage. In reply to this, a little boy who was gripping his mother's hand started to scream. Not long after, the fire could be seen ducking and diving through the thatched roof. The tour group once more filtered out onto the street. It was astonishing how quick the fire had spread, buildings everywhere were erupting. The smoldering fire lapped up all in it's path. The smog was now twice as heavy, a loud crackling could be heard amid the street's residents' screams. Many of the residents rushed past the tour group, shouting for help, their simple peasant clothing now baked in smoke. The little boy of the tour group started to sing the popular song 'London's Burning', to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented, “A fine tune that be!”


Red = Thoughts and comments I had while reading, they pertain mainly to the sentence above.

Dark Red = Spelling mistakes.


Blue = Added something small.

Green = Grammar



I would read the rest, until then I don't have enough to critique properly Razz

_________________
"Zoinks scoob!" - Dude in the green shirt.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

~George Carlin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1325
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 12:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments! You're right, that sentence needs looking at... I shall find somewhere to put a comma. Also, I understand why you highlighted 'realised' but it's spelt like that in England. Again, thanks for taking the time to read it =)

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
ninja-Z   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

77
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 161
Reviews: 77
Country: The Greatest Nation in the History of Mankind
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:52 am    Post subject: hmm.. Reply with quote

this is the first scifi on yws that ive read..i must say its interesting but a bit confusing Confused well...the simulation thing is cool...and a little humor sprinkled on top makes a fairly good bundle overall. Smile

your number one slacker ninja of the hidden ewok village, Z_
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Phoenix57flame   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 18
Reviews: 12

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm glad you all got the humour! It's always worrying that it could just be a load of in jokes (-;
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Vierce   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 3

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very interesting, i laughed quite a bit. keep writing and ill keep reading
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 3, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 3, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. - Michael McClary
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society