Topic ID: 18038
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sokool15
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 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 10 part 1 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:44 am; edited 4 times in total |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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| sokool wrote: |
| Brad lay back and shut his eyes hastily. "After some careful thought, I've reconsidered the notion, and decided it's ridiculous. I'm asleep, I'm asleep!" |
| sokool wrote: |
| what if you helped me fine the native woman? |
Fine = find
| sokool wrote: |
| Seden and Kiera sat down on Kiera's sleeping mallet, leaning against her cloth-covered walls. Kiera closed her eyes and sighed. |
Too much repetition of "Keira" here.
I thought this chapter was fine; just a bit too long. If something's longer, it makes it difficult to crit. |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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I completely loved it. Especially the part where Kiera kept cutting off her mom. I wish I could do that. Anyway, I didn't really understand the part with Brad and the spirit, (Sorry I can't remember her name). But I just got done reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in under 24 hours so... Leave me alone... Anyway... I liked how you showed the personal life of Kirea.
Her brother was a total jerk, though. I don't know why... Mabye he should betray her or something... Hm... Still, moving on... I think she probably should tell them at least a little of what happened to not worry them more. BTW, don't change that mother-daughter scene a bit.  Really good...
~Pol |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Cool! I like it. On to next part... |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think you info dumped too much and you don't need action in every chapter.Just a few suggestions -
Along the wall were lined many large oil lamps, kept shining and clean. [This is confusing. Perhaps 'Along the way, the walls were lined with many lamps that were constantly shining and clean.']
Kiera's family owned only a small portion of the large network of houses that belonged to the rest of the tribe.
The tribe was were very socially inclined, and constantly visited each other, making good use of the well-lit tunnels that led through their section of the forest.
He found Kiera, coming from his Father's study.
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Other than that, a well written chapter and I agree that the rather one sided conversation between Kiera and her mother was the best part. I didn't find her brother to be a jerk though. I quite liked him in fact... |
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