Topic ID: 18040
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 698
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
404 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 10 part 2 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:44 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 848
Reviews: 164
Country: That one place that's somewhere.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Very good. I think you could have slipped in the last part with Kiera in part 1 however... Anyway, I think he king is a fat, stupid idiotic fool who didn't get hugged by his mother when he was young. Oh well, they have to deal with him not me. I honestly couldn't find anything wrong with it. Oh, I don't know but the thought of Val and deLucio just creeps me out for some reason. Sorry...
~Pol |
_________________
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own
-Coldplay, Viva La Viva |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
Now, you know that one of our neighboring tribes was acting as an assassin for King Raztik, taking out men in what seemed to be natural accidents?"
Seden nodded, frowning. "I remember. But he was finally captured and Dominic deLucio, the King's Guard, put him to death because he wouldn't give up any information about the tribe."
|
You should change the "our neighboring tribes" to our neighbor or something like that, since it is a he, one person not many.
Okay, that's it. Goodjob once again! |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Just the one suggestin for this part -
Seden and Kiera sat down on Kiera's sleeping mallet, leaning against her cloth-covered walls. [Mallet? I don't think that's the right word. Did you mean pallet?]
Other than that, it's interesting and you made some nice relationship developments between Kiera and her brother and Val and Dominic. Keep up the good work... |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
