Topic ID: 18038
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 697
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
375 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 10 part 1 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:44 am; edited 4 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
TL G-Wooster
magic is fun! we're dead
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3607
Reviews: 818
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
427 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| sokool wrote: |
| Brad lay back and shut his eyes hastily. "After some careful thought, I've reconsidered the notion, and decided it's ridiculous. I'm asleep, I'm asleep!" |
| sokool wrote: |
| what if you helped me fine the native woman? |
Fine = find
| sokool wrote: |
| Seden and Kiera sat down on Kiera's sleeping mallet, leaning against her cloth-covered walls. Kiera closed her eyes and sighed. |
Too much repetition of "Keira" here.
I thought this chapter was fine; just a bit too long. If something's longer, it makes it difficult to crit. |
_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 848
Reviews: 164
Country: That one place that's somewhere.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I completely loved it. Especially the part where Kiera kept cutting off her mom. I wish I could do that. Anyway, I didn't really understand the part with Brad and the spirit, (Sorry I can't remember her name). But I just got done reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in under 24 hours so... Leave me alone... Anyway... I liked how you showed the personal life of Kirea.
Her brother was a total jerk, though. I don't know why... Mabye he should betray her or something... Hm... Still, moving on... I think she probably should tell them at least a little of what happened to not worry them more. BTW, don't change that mother-daughter scene a bit.  Really good...
~Pol |
_________________
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own
-Coldplay, Viva La Viva |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Cool! I like it. On to next part... |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5281
Reviews: 1323
Country: England
623 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't think you info dumped too much and you don't need action in every chapter.Just a few suggestions -
Along the wall were lined many large oil lamps, kept shining and clean. [This is confusing. Perhaps 'Along the way, the walls were lined with many lamps that were constantly shining and clean.']
Kiera's family owned only a small portion of the large network of houses that belonged to the rest of the tribe.
The tribe was were very socially inclined, and constantly visited each other, making good use of the well-lit tunnels that led through their section of the forest.
He found Kiera, coming from his Father's study.
____________________
Other than that, a well written chapter and I agree that the rather one sided conversation between Kiera and her mother was the best part. I didn't find her brother to be a jerk though. I quite liked him in fact... |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
