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by lukas8u in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on June 27, 2007
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The Art of War: Part I_ An Offense
The Art of War: Part II_Alone in the Night & Prep for Wa
The Art of War: Part III_Snow and Blood
The Art of War: Part V_ Generals of Hate

The Art of War: Part IV_The Left Flank

Topic ID: 17526
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:29 pm    Post subject: The Art of War: Part IV_The Left Flank Reply with quote

Armies connect with the clash of steel

And the shouts of men fill the air.

Twenty thousand machines of war,

Meet to do battle upon a field of snow.



A cry of alarm rises above the melee,

For the left flank of Red and Gold

Is split away from the rest of its force.

A lone red patch amidst a sea of blue and green.



Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,

Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.

Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,

But fought against a much larger force.



Slowly the left flank of red and gold,

Was whittled down by an unremitting foe;

 Until a glimmer in blue and green,

Of red and gold breaking through that throng.



Blue and green fell away from the renewed attack,

Leaving the dead and wounded to lie,

Upon the battlefield of blood and snow,

Upon the heads of leaders afar.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Snow killed the flow in the last line of the first stanza.
I didn't really like the third stanza either.
Too much of the same words.
And the very last line could be a little better worded too.
Afar isn't the right word.

I like the image and scenery though.
Try rhyming more.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It wasn't supposed to rhyme ^_^

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know.
I'm saying I think it would be better if you did rhyme.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I disagree with the rhyming; I think this section, though not as brilliant as the first two, is solid and good. ^^ The only part that was a bit confusing was the use of the colors to identify the opposing forces; I think it's that it got a bit wordy, with the "red and gold" and "blue and green," as opposed to a single word for each. It works, but it's a bit shaky.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this one more so than the last one. I think this may be my third favorite. The imagery seemed a lot better and I like how it sounds without rhyming. I think that if it rhymed you wouldn't get the whole feeling of it all and it would be limited to its potential.

Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,
Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.
Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,
But fought against a much larger force

**I like how you traded foes and force with each line here. Smile

~Rieda

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 5:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a great poem. the only problem is that you seem to repeat words alot. keep it up! vince
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