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Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
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 Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:24 pm Post subject: The Art of War: Part I_ An Offense |
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An offense given
From a time unknown
Sparks anger and hatred
And the will for revenge
An Army Marches
Through gates of stone,
Red and gold in the setting sun;
Pennants flying in the breeze of war.
Carrion birds circle above,
Following death
To its dark confluence,
Aware that blood will be spilled.
Green and blue to match that force
March in time to drums of war.
A host of men to feed the follies
Of men uncaring to preserve life.
While armies march
To meet each other in war,
The battle of words has already begun
In halls of marble, and wood, and cloth.
And while those battles
Are fought with words,
The real war will begin
With the clash of steel and shouts of men.
Those halls of marble, wood and cloth,
Cannot see what truth there is,
That blood can’t quench
The hatred of men.
And while such words
Will go unheard,
Blood will be spilled
In the war to come. |
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Suzanne
verbivore
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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An offense given
From a time unknown
Sparks anger and hatred
And the will for revenge |
I thought that, perhaps you were cutting punctuation altogether, but there it is in the other stanzas? So you should probably punctuate this.
I've never liked poems that are observant of common things, like this one is, but to some extent it works here. You didn't just show the side of blood being spilt and people dying, you also showed the more "interior" side, and how it goes together with the battle. Then you observed on the nature of humans, which always works nicely, because it's rather true.
Not my type of poem, but a good poem none the less =) |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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| So the punctuation in this could most definitely be improved, because at first like Claudette I thought you ere omitting punctuation but then you have it...so yeah. All in all, this was a good poem, though perhaps a little more like a story than a poem...but I definitely did enjoy it! |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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I liked how you balanced the two sides of a war: the ideological aspect, as evidenced by the "battle of words" (and I loved the line, "In halls of marble, and wood, and cloth"--it's the perfect foil to the rest of the imagery, so domestic and dignified) and the actual physical fighting.
Clau and Bianca have mentioned the first stanza's dearth of punctuation, so I'll leave it at that. ^~ Well done! |
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Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you very much, Fand. |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this. It had the rugged voice of war and yet read so poetically. Again...first stanza has already been mentioned lol. Otherwise I see nothing wrong here.
Carrion birds circle above,
Following death
To its dark confluence,
Aware that blood will be spilled.
*My favorite stanza. 
Keep it up!
~Rieda |
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Vincent
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| Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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this was a great part and i love war poems!
there a bits and pieces of sentences were you tottally cut of the flow
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And while those battles
Are fought with words,
The real war will begin
With the clash of steel and shouts of men. |
the first time i read this it felt as if the last sentence disnt fit in, but now that i read it over a few times it doesnt sound so bad.
pm me if you post more war poems!
vince |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:16 pm Post subject: t |
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I think it was good. There is still a bit of work to do, but really good.
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And while those battles
Are fought with words,
The real war will begin
With the clash of steel and shouts of men. |
I have to agree with vince. It breaks the flow immediately.
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Green and blue to match that force
March in time to drums of war.
A host of men to feed the follies
Of men uncaring to preserve life. |
Sorry,but I'm a bit confused about the green and blue part.
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An Army Marches
Through gates of stone,
Red and gold in the setting sun;
Pennants flying in the breeze of war. |
I loved this, It gave you that feeling to read on.
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Carrion birds circle above,
Following death
To its dark confluence,
Aware that blood will be spilled. |
Really cool  Loved this one as well.
Overall I think it is a good poem. |
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