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Tightrope Walking
Tightrope Walking

by Eimear in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 16, 2007
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST) Reply with quote

(For safety reasons, this will be the last chapter I'm posting on this site for citiques. For those of you who have been reading all the chapters, despite the grammer and spelling, I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.)

Chapter Seven: Brother On My Father’s Side

Kai had made it to the bottom of the shrine when he saw Draco standing silently, staring off into the distance. He asked, “So, what now?”

Draco didn’t answer. The dragon merely stared off towards the entrance of the chamber. Kai looked toward the entrance and saw a tall man standing there. He has a stiff, emotionless expression to him. He has long, white hair that dangles down to his legs. He is wearing white Japanese style clothing and a large metal shoulder plate as armor. Blue and silver designs resembling fire and fur trail down the right side of his attire, starting at his shoulder and ending at the length of his pant leg. The designs somehow reminded Kai of a wolf, and that brought him an unearthly feeling of home. A thin sword hangs from his waist; its length is possibly around five feet long, the right length for a Japanese katana. Kai noticed the length of the man’s fingernails. They reminded him of when he lost control, how claws shot out of his fingertips. This man’s fingernails are much the same, except the way they are shaped and the darkness of color, indicating that he has used them much more and they are as much apart of him as any other limb attached to his body.

A few moments of silence passed before the man began to walk toward them. As he came closer Kai could see the man’s eyes. They bare the shade and clearness of silver snow on a sunny winter’s day. Staring into those eyes Kai could not see any hint of emotion in the man’s gaze. I was as if he were staring into a pair of pearls, things that are pleasant to look at, yet they bare nothing but the stillness of cold rocks.

He didn’t know how, but Kai sensed something dangerous about this man. He was not the only one. Draco transformed into his larger dragon form before him. Kai held up the Tenjin ready to fight. The approaching man did not flinch and continued to approach. Draco slowly moved around the man as he stopped in front of Kai’s sword. If he were to do anything to Kai, Draco would attack him from behind.

Kai asked, “Who are you, and what do you want?”

He did not answer. The man’s interest was with the ancient sword rather than the one who held it. He ran his two fingers up the side of the Tenjin’s blade, as if to inspect how sharp it was. In a cold, empty voice he said, “So, it has chosen you as its wielder, even though there are others who would put it to better use.” His voice was calm and mature, but at the same time serious, very serious. He looked Kai straight in the eyes. Kai could feel the weight of centuries in his gaze. “Someone like me, for example.” His eyes suddenly bore a sort of hungry look as he spoke the last sentence. They looked like the eyes of a power hungry maniac that always kept his cool.

Others would have quivered under the weight of his gaze, but Kai began to feel agitated. “I’m not going to ask you again, who are you?” He tried to sound as fearless as he could under the man’s gaze.

His emotionless expression did not shift at the least, but Kai could see the smallest hint of surprise in his eyes. It was so small that he almost did not see it. “Did your mother not mention me? Strange how she would forget the one who helped her escape the dragon who killed Hikatsumi.”

Kai stepped back in shock. He was disturbed that this man knew his father’s name. “How do you know Hikatsumi?” he demanded.

“How could I not know the name of my own father?” Kai was shocked. If he was telling the truth, then that would make this man his brother. But, if he was Kai’s brother, then why didn’t his mother ever mention him? “So, you must be Kai. I guess your mother had her reasons for keeping you in the dark about me.”

Kai did not trust this man, but his voice held a sureness that made him doubt his own intuition. “Why didn’t my mother tell me about you if you saved her from the dragon that killed our father? And you still haven’t told me your name yet!”

Kai’s outburst of questions didn’t seem to affect this man’s composure. At first it seemed like this man was ignoring his questions. “My name is Kujimaru. I do not know why your mother did not mention me, nor do I care. When your father fought the dragon, he asked me to take your mother somewhere safe.”

“So, let me guess. You helped my mother survive and now you’re here to help me, right?” Kai asked.

For the first time, Kujimaru showed expression. He frowned in anger at Kai’s assumption. His arm moved so fast that it appeared as a blur. He grabbed Kai by the neck and lifted him from the ground. Kai grabbed Kujimaru’s hand to try and keep his throat open to breath. In an act of desperation Kai swung his sword at Kujimaru’s head. Kujimaru grabbed him by the wrist and held it firmly with ease. “Do not insult me. I only helped your mother because it was my father’s wish. I respected my father so I honored his wishes, but what happens to you now is of no importance to me. You are not the only one who was given the power of the Dragon Knights. The Tenjin doesn’t belong in the hands of a weak half-breed like you, but rather in the hands of a powerful full demon like myself. I’m here to take what’s rightfully mine!”

Kujimaru twisted Kai’s arm, causing him to cry out and drop the Tenjin. He uttered the word “Tere Raiassou” as he brought his fist into Kai’s stomach. A painful jolt struck Kai in every inch of his body as the force of the punch sent him crashing into the front of the shrine. The impact into the base of the shrine caused part of the wall to collapse around him. Any human would have died from that kind of attack, but Kai’s demon heritage made his body much tougher. The impact didn’t kill him, but it did render him motionless.

Draco charged Kujimaru from behind, his teeth showing and his talons flailing. Kujimaru moved with demonic speed to evade the attack. He uttered something else that sounded like “Raiakk Ussoukkai,” and in a blur of movement Kujimaru struck Draco in the side of his body as the dragon passed by. As soon as his hand struck it let out a large spark of blue energy. The energy was like something one would see during a thunderstorm, except it was smaller and much more focused, making it possible to harness for an attack. The strike erupted into a small explosion that sent Draco sprawling across the floor. The dragon reverted back to his original form. Sparks of electricity jumped from various places on his body, rendering him paralyzed.

Kai tried to move but Kujimaru’s attack somehow caused him to lose the feeling in his body from his chest down to his feet. He looked at his body where Kujimaru had hit and saw small sparks of electricity sparking here and there just like on Draco.

Kujimaru noticed the Tenjin at his feet. Kai had dropped it when he twisted his arm. “And now, the sword of the Dragon Knights is mine.” He reached down to retrieve the sword. His hand recoiled when a strange spark of red and black energy jumped off the sword’s hilt and tried to shock him. The Tenjin’s blade suddenly began to glow with a vibrant red. It slowly levitated in the air with the tip of the blade facing Kujimaru.

A dome of protective energy pulsed from the sword. Kujimaru had jumped back in time to avoid being thrown by its force. The Tenjin spun violently until the hilt pointed directly at Kai. The sword rocketed through the air toward him. Kai shielded his face with his arms out of reflex, but once the sword reach him it placed itself in his hand. The years of practice with swords made Kai’s hand close around the handle out of instinct.

Kujimaru stared at Kai, annoyance showed clearly in his eyes. “So, the Tenjin refuses to let anyone but you wield it.” He straightened his hand and pointed it at Kai. He spoke the word “Tere Raiassou.” As if reacting to his command his hand was engulfed with blue electricity. The energy that surrounded his hand began to swirl into a vortex. His sleeve moved up his arm from the wind that was being generated by the constant spin of electricity. “It is clear now. I must kill you if I am going to wield the Tenjin.”

Kai tried to get to his feet, but his body was still numb from the previous attack. Kujimaru was now walking towards Kai, obviously coming to finish what he had started. If Kujimaru really was a Dragon Knight as he claimed to be, then he must be more in tune with his powers than Kai. He tried to lift the Tenjin in a pitiful attempt to shield himself but the numbness had spread all the way to his arms, leaving him completely paralyzed and helpless against the approaching attack. As Kujimaru got closer, he said, “It is no use trying to resist. You have been left immobilized by the power of Thunder. You cannot even lift your sword.” He lifted up his right hand and arched his fingers, which let out a frightful crack. Electrical energy continued to flow around his hand in a fierce vortex. He stopped in front of Kai’s body. “You cannot defend yourself. The end has come for you, half-breed.”

Is this really the end? Had Kai received all this power only for it to be taken away in the blink of an eye, along with his own life? He could not bear the fact of his life ending so abruptly. He closed his eyes and braced himself for Kujimaru to deliver his doom. He didn’t want to die, not here. In his mind, he pleaded for some miracle to save him, even though he knew there was no hope for him now. Kujimaru bent his arm back and lunged his hand into Kai’s chest.

A loud clang echoed through every inch of the chamber, followed soon after by the sound of a continuous implosion. Over the sound of the continuous eruption Kai could hear Kujimaru grunt and gasp, “Impossible!” He opened his eyes and saw the Tenjin still in his hand in front of him, protecting him from the attack. The energy coming off of Kujimaru’s hand spun even more ferociously as he tried to force the attack around the sword and into Kai’s body.

The Tenjin and Kujimaru’s hand weren’t touching, but the energies being produced by both clashed in an everlasting battle between each other. The energy coming from Kujimaru’s hand begun to break off into streams as they were absorbed into the sword. He shouted “Raiakk Zuu Ussoukkai!” and his hand burst into and even greater vortex of energy.

Kai could feel his strength somehow being sapped from his body. He didn’t know what to do. He looked around the chamber in desperation and saw Draco trying to move. The dragon looked at him with wide eyes. He suddenly heard his voice in his mind. “Kai! You must use the Tenjin’s powers to teleport yourself out of the cave!”

Kai anxiously replied, “I don’t know how!”

“Look into your heart! Reach for the magic within you, imagine the place you want to teleport and shout the word Mozadodo!

“But what about you!?”

“Just do it!”

Kai closed his eyes and reached into his being. He felt nothing but darkness. He kept looking harder and harder until he found something, a flame. The flame burned like a candle in the center of his soul. He had never noticed it before now. As he reached for it the flame it began to surround his essence, making him feel lightheaded. This must be the magic Draco had told him about. As he pulled on this power another entity entered his body through his arm. It was the Tenjin’s power. He let it burn throughout his body as he produced the image of a forest in his mind.

He cried at the top of his lungs, “MOZADODO!

His body was engulfed in a brilliant pink aura. He could feel every inch of his body separating, but he felt no pain from it. It started from his legs and worked its way up to the rest of his body. The parts of his body that disappeared turned into specks of energy that resembled fireflies. Kai could see the surprise, and horror, on Kujimaru’s face as he slowly vanished from existence before his very eyes. The world around him slowly disappeared until everything went black.

“…Wake up…”

Kai slowly came to. He found himself lying on his back. Above him he saw trees swaying gently in the breeze. The sun was rising in the distance, blanketing the night sky with the slight shower of morning light. He felt a sudden pain in his chest and remembered what had happened.

He sprung up until he was sitting when he realized he left Draco in the cave. “Draco!” He grunted as the pain from his chest spread throughout his body from the sudden movement.

“Be careful when you move, else you’ll hurt yourself.” Kai looked over his shoulder and saw the small gold dragon sitting calmly behind him.

Kai felt much better now that he knew Draco had made it out with him. He asked the dragon, “What happened?”

“You used magic,” Draco replied in a pleased tone.

“I used magic?” Kai asked. He couldn’t believe he had actually used magic! It was incredible. Suddenly, he realized that he had only used it on himself. He wondered how Draco managed to escape. “How did you get out?”

Draco grinned. His body began to glow with a warm golden light until his body itself turned into and orb of energy. The orb floated through the air until it stopped in front of Kai. The orb let out a bright flash and Draco’s body materialized before him. “I have my ways,” he told him. Draco’s eyes began to glow with golden light. Kai’s body suddenly felt warm as all the pain slowly went away. He felt his chest when the light faded and saw that his chest wasn’t hurting anymore.

Draco began to explain, “There are many types of magic in the world. The one you used is known as Chaotic Magic, the magic only Dragon Knights and Earth Dragons can use. Chaotic Magic derives from the five elements of Chaos: Fire, Thunder, Ice, Darkness and Light. The power of these elements can be triggered in many different ways by using certain works in the Dragonese language. Mozadodo in the human tongue means Teleportation.”

“But I don’t see how that that can fall under any of the five elements,” Kai told him.

“Chaotic Magic works in mysterious, sometimes uncontrollable ways. This is why it is known as Chaotic Magic. Even we, the Earth Dragons cannot fully understand it at times.” Draco motioned his head at the Tenjin sitting on Kai’s lap. Kai had forgotten it was there. “I cannot teach you everything about that sword, there are secrets to the Tenjin that even we Earth Dragons cannot fathom. But I can at least teach you everything I do know. When the time comes you will have to learn these secrets on your own. As for now, you must be tested to your limits, learning all that you can about your newfound powers and how to utilize them properly. When your training is finished, the time will come to announce your existence to the world. Are you ready for the trials that lie ahead?”

Kai pulled himself to his feet and looked Draco straight in the eyes. “Yes, I am ready for whatever your training throws at me.”

“Then we shall begin immediately.”

And so, Kai trained for the trials he will confront in the future. He traveled across the land in secrecy, learning all he could from his new teacher, Draco. He changed his name to Zephyrus and left his former life behind. He traveled from place-to-place, learning many styles of swordplay from various masters of the art. Draco taught him how to use Chaotic Magic, as well as a wide vocabulary of the Dragonese language. His angered brother, Kujimaru, often pursued him and many times he had to confront him in battle. During his travels Zephyrus’ arrogant behaviour, brought on by the prejudice he was subjected to as a child, gained him many enemies both demon and mortal. But knowledge of being resented by so many opponents only strengthened his moral towards finishing his training. As the years went by, thoughts of hatred and revenge began to cloud his mind. The thoughts of revenge grew stronger, and the voice in his head grew louder. He treasures the day his training would be finished, because he knows that the day his training ends is the day his revenge will begin…


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As you can see, I've made up words for magical incantations. I've thought up a wide vocabulary of these words, but just to make things simpler I'll define the ones I've used in this post.


Tere: Touch/Hand
Raiassou: Turn to Thunder (Electrify)
Raiakk: Thunder
Ussoukkai: Release of energy/Explode
Zuu: Magic
Mazododo: Movement/Teleport

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Last edited by Dynamo on Thu Jul 19, 2007 10:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Dynamo! I'll start with a few specific points, and then I'll give you my general comments on plot and whatnot. Razz

Quote:
Kai had made it to the bottom of the shrine when he saw Draco standing silently, staring off into the distance. He asked, “So, what now?”


The problem with this is that you use the word had. It makes the sentence passive and breaks the flow. If you take it out, you'll notice that the sentence has exactly the same meaning but sounds slightly better.

"Kai made it to the bottom of the shrine when he saw Draco standing silently, staring off into the distance. He asked, "So, what now?""

Better, no?

Quote:
He has a stiff, emotionless expression to him. He has long, white hair that dangles down to his legs. He is wearing white Japanese style clothing and a large metal shoulder plate as armor. Blue and silver designs resembling fire and fur trail down the right side of his attire, starting at his shoulder and ending at the length of his pant leg.


When describing this man, you switch tenses. Specifically, you go from past tense to present tense. You need to change all these has to had, and all the is to are. Make sure you go through and fix anymore spots where this occurs.

Quote:
I was as if he were staring into a pair of pearls, things that are pleasant to look at, yet they bare nothing but the stillness of cold rocks.


It think you meant It was as if he...

Quote:
His voice was calm and mature, but at the same time serious, very serious.


You're being a bit redundant. I think calm and mature isn't much different than being serious. If he's calm and mature, it goes without saying that he's serious. What else would he be?

Quote:
His eyes suddenly bore a sort of hungry look as he spoke the last sentence. They looked like the eyes of a power hungry maniac that always kept his cool.


Using hungry twice and so close to each other breaks the flow. Mix up the wordplay, and try to replace one of those words with a synonym or something.

Quote:
His emotionless expression did not shift at the least, but Kai could see the smallest hint of surprise in his eyes.


in

Quote:
Kai stepped back in shock. He was disturbed that this man knew his father’s name.


Show, don't tell. The italicised is showing, but the bolded is telling. Take out the bolded. Even without them, we can still understand that he's shocked and why. Trust me.

Quote:
When your father fought the dragon, he asked me to take your mother somewhere safe.”


Question: If they are indeed his mother and father as well, then why doesn't he refer to them as simply "Mother and Father" as opposed to "your mother and your father". Make sense?

Quote:
Tere Raiassou


A small nitpick, but if this is an incantation, you should but it in italics and not bold.

Quote:
He uttered something else that sounded like “Raiakk Ussoukkai,”


Sounded like? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he said.

Quote:
As soon as his hand struck it let out a large spark of blue energy. The energy was like something one would see during a thunderstorm, except it was smaller and much more focused, making it possible to harness for an attack. The strike erupted into a small explosion that sent Draco sprawling across the floor.


Sorry if this sounds like asking for a lot, but I seriously think this scene would benefit if you condense all this information into one sentence. This is an action scene, right? And during action, everything has to be fast and exciting. How do you make it more exciting. Shorter sentences, and less explanation. So if you condense this into one, maybe two sentences, the scene would seem so much more faster and exciting as a result.

Quote:
Kujimaru stared at Kai, annoyance showed clearly in his eyes.


Another example of show, don't tell. Let us see why he's annoyed. Don't simply tell us.

Quote:
Is this really the end?


Another tense switch. It should be "Was this really the end?"

Quote:
A loud clang echoed through every inch of the chamber, followed soon after by the sound of a continuous implosion. Over the sound of the continuous eruption Kai could hear Kujimaru grunt and gasp, “Impossible!”


Again, the repetition breaks the flow. This is especially bad here, since you're in the middle of a climax. Confused Fix it! You don't want your reader to be distracted when Kai is on the brink of death, do you? Wink

Quote:
He shouted “Raiakk Zuu Ussoukkai!” and his hand burst into and even greater vortex of energy.


an

Quote:
The dragon looked at him with wide eyes.


You're being passive again. You need to be active, so that the scene feels full of action. Simply change this to, "The dragon's eyes were wide." That sounds a lot better, doesn't it?

Quote:
Kai anxiously replied, “I don’t know how!”


This piece of dialogue would benefit from losing the tag. There are only two people talking, so we won't get confused. I tell you this because of what I was saying about shorter sentences making the scene more exciting.

Quote:
He felt his chest when the light faded and saw that his chest wasn’t hurting anymore.


Instead of using chest twice you can replace one of them with "it".

"He felt his chest when the light faded and saw that it wasn't hurting anymore."

Quote:
“Then we shall begin immediately.”


Beautiful, beautiful line. Razz Why do I bring it up? Because of this:

Quote:
And so, Kai trained for the trials he will confront in the future. He traveled across the land in secrecy, learning all he could from his new teacher, Draco. He changed his name to Zephyrus and left his former life behind. He traveled from place-to-place, learning many styles of swordplay from various masters of the art. Draco taught him how to use Chaotic Magic, as well as a wide vocabulary of the Dragonese language. His angered brother, Kujimaru, often pursued him and many times he had to confront him in battle. During his travels Zephyrus’ arrogant behaviour, brought on by the prejudice he was subjected to as a child, gained him many enemies both demon and mortal. But knowledge of being resented by so many opponents only strengthened his moral towards finishing his training. As the years went by, thoughts of hatred and revenge began to cloud his mind. The thoughts of revenge grew stronger, and the voice in his head grew louder. He treasures the day his training would be finished, because he knows that the day his training ends is the day his revenge will begin…


...An infodump. Despite everything, you don't need this at the end. In fact, I strongly, I repeat strongly urge you to cut this out completely and end with the line I quotes above. Don't answer all the questions. You've resolved everything already, so you don't need to go further. That last quote above is a perfect ending. Trust me.

***

All in all, a fantastic ending. It had the right amount of action, suspense, all the awesome stuff that makes a good climax. Very well done. I do hope you can get this published one day, as it looks like you've worked very hard on it. I can only hope my comments get you closer to publication. Very Happy


MM

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