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sokool15
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 Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 8:52 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 8 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:43 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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Oooh. I love this chapter. The Night Cat's sound great. They should join the war! Lol. Just a few specific points first -
Valery said reluctantly, as if not wanting to hear what Erik would answer. [I think this should be 'how Erik would answer.']
he whirled and held slammed his hand down on the throat of the Night Cat. [This is a little confusing. Held slammed? How about 'he whirled and brought his hand down on the throat of the Night Cat.' or something along similar lines.]
Suddenly the knife was knocked out of his hand and a dark brown smoke lifted him effortlessly off the cat and onto a tree branch. ['a tree branch' isn't very specific. Either use 'the tree branch' so that we know it's the same one that he was on before or maybe 'a lower tree branch.']
The Night Cat scrambled to it's feet, gave one last, baleful glare from it's yellow eyes at Brad, and leaped effortlessly off into the night, in search of easier prey. [You've used effortlessly in the line before this. Perhaps 'lightly' or 'swiftly' instead for this sentence.]
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Other than that, some good description, a nice insight into Valery's tastes in men and what good taste it is. Hehehe. Anyway, this part was well written and I love the latest forest spirit. She's very interesting. |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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There, I read it, now I'm criting. See!!! Anyway, It was good. I like how you explained about the branch thing and the large pockets. Thank you. I thought it was pretty cool that Val could hear Brad and that he thought he slipped by. Although how do they figure out where he's going? The direction of the wind blow? Just a bit of clearafication needed.
I loved how you siad Val and Erik knew about the kings plan, made me smile.  i like how The other forest spirit defended her Night Cat first. Twas cool. One other thing, you sometimes spelled it Night Cat. and sometimes Night cat, without the capital.
I like how the forest spirit talked about thier king. I don't know but it seems like she should have called him a mild name, mabye. Hm... Anyway that was about it so... I'm gonna post my next one soon incase you were wondering. Huh, bored.
~Pol |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 7:28 pm Post subject: |
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Two thumbs-up! Sweet! I don't really have anything to say, but it was good, so there...
-Greenie |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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Cool chapter and I like the Night Cats, nice and impressive. 
| sokool wrote: |
| Deliberately turning her back to the breeze that carried the sounds of Brad's flight to them, she tucked her head under wing and began nodding off. |
I know it's rather innapropriate, but I read that, imagined them with their heads under their wings and thought, "Aw, sweet!" 
| sokool wrote: |
| Rumor had it, the Night Cats were the deadliest of the night predators, with six-inch claws and hollow fangs that dripped poison on their victims to put them to sleep. |
Nix the comma after "rumour had it".
| sokool wrote: |
| Brad raised a dagger and thrust it towards the animal, but the Cat saw it coming and snapped it's mouth back shut.... |
It's = its.
| sokool wrote: |
| The Night Cat's eyes blinked twice, then disappeared all-together. |
All-together = altogether
That was all I saw; mae carnen and keep writing! |
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