Topic ID: 16157
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 6:50 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
All in all I say it is very good. The synphoney part is interesting and is a good and original way to start a story. You might tie some of it into the story later (hope you understand what I mean by that). The super mutant hero thing is cliche, and I know you can't really change that by now having already started, but if you could add in some interesting and original plot twists you could make something really interesting and new.
Keep it up and hope you finish it!
-Me |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
M.B.Author
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 214
Reviews: 187
Country: At the Cullen's home playing with Rensemee
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Good job  . I always love your stories. I cannot wait for more.
-- M.B.Author |
_________________
Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
-- Proverbs 19:20 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sumi H. Inkblot
can divide by zero
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 2995
Reviews: 268
Country: Mu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 10:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks guys!
The computer that has the story data is under use right now for a "emergency school assignment" according to my sibling  so I think I'll update tomorrow.
And no worries on cliche, I've got this whole thing figured out. 
The symphony thing will *definitely* come up again. (that was great to write)
Thanks again, for reviewing!
~Sumi
{The Still-Suffering-From-Geezer-Block}  |
_________________
Capitolism is the uneven distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the even distribution of poverty. |
|
| Back to top |
|
theron guard
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 167
Reviews: 82
Country: An old reclusive stone house - built on a cherry orchard in 1803
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 4:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked it. It was very interesting and descriptive, which is really good. After reading this, I want to go and read some more. Keep up the good work.
TG - I'll be waiting for more! |
_________________
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
miyaviloves
Love me less but love me a long time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 827
Reviews: 559
Country: England
356 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 12:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I also very much liked this! I was drawn to the title, Kismet is a Indian resturant near where i live hehe!
Anyway, this was extremly good, keep up the good work!
Meevs
x |
_________________
Je crains que pour tout ça tu doives entendre je t'aime.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
haha, LOVING the symphony allusion
My only problem with it was there was a big, blatant block of exposition afterwards, beginning with "Ah, yes, have I mentioned it yet?". Try to incorporate all this background into various descriptions, spread them out for the reader to piece together, or it is rather bland to read it all at once.
Yes, mutant superheroes do have a tendancy to be cliche, so just be careful with that bit, but I'm sure you'll do fine.
Good luck with the writers block!
-Amelia |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1264
Reviews: 355
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 11:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked this!
I wish you had began in a battle scene to continue the beginning part, though. My brain's half-asleep, so I had to read that part twice, but the second time I got it. It's really original; it made me actually read the whole post!
Oh, also, I loved how you introduced the characters. Especially the nine mutants. It's really hard to name so many people who have no real role yet, but you did an excellent job. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 6:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
EDIT: Hmm, so I've already reviewed, but I forgot that I had until the third paragraph or so (Gimmie a break; my memory does not span two whole months very well ).
| Sumi wrote: |
| After a while, the clashings of the warriors becomes a unanimous harmony, and as you move through the battle, you inadvertently sink into the death melody and give yourself up to the mercy of the great conductor. |
Well, it's all about me in that first paragraph
| Sumi wrote: |
| In the lull of the bloody song, the vibraphone and the flute sing together to create a whirling energy that sustains you when people fall under your sword. The piccolo and the violins begin to embroider on the unmerciful tune, and your comrades rush to sustain you with the strength they received from seeing you standing. At last the cellos and the bassoons break in and the unseen chorus of singers start, first at a whisper before wheeling the scale around and shouting in harmony. |
Well, I did like the musical allusions the first time around, but looking at it again, maybe referring to the actual instruments is a bit much.
| Sumi wrote: |
| “I…guess I got hit a little too hard during the most recent battle.” |
Eh, that just sounds a little unnatural to me.
| Sumi wrote: |
| Ah, yes, have I mentioned it yet? |
Oh no; I cringe when these lines come up; I hear an info-dump coming...
I think the very last line is effective, but between that and the quote above, I wanted to take that information and throw it elsewhere in the story
So now I'm off to find the next part... |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sumi H. Inkblot
can divide by zero
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 2995
Reviews: 268
Country: Mu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
La! Why have these things been dragged up?
>.<
I feel perpetually nervous about this story...I don't know. I was thinking about PMing a mod to delete the threads, I need to polish this piece up SO badly...
Thanks for reviewing...?
:goes on sweating, so nervous...: |
_________________
Capitolism is the uneven distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the even distribution of poverty. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
