Topic ID: 16203
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theron guard
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 Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice!  Although it was a bit confusing at times (sorry  ), that didn't keep me from liking it. It was very funny and enjoyable.
Only one small problem I spotted,
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| Razuz and Aeone are the only ones who don't develop a spitting headache when he starts talking and bragging.
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I believe you meant 'splitting', not 'spitting'.
Other than that, it was fine for me. I'll be looking for more! |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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i liked this piece too, your character development is coming along nicely. I too got a little confused, i think its the unusual charcter names and the large amount of characters.
Thanks for letting me know about part two or I would have missed this!
Meevs
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RatchetWriter
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2007 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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Well!
I'm reading your story through and it's real absorbing. Good work!
I don't know what others think, but I like the longish introductions to the characters. It just seemed to make it all the more intresting.
So, pretty much useless review for helpfulness, but oh well. |
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aquinas1991
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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| really good story especially the symphony bits |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: Re: Kismet #2 |
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| Baroness Ink wrote: |
| Because one word, one flick of the hand, one glance, can be your end. |
Love this part! 
Also, the character part confuzes me a bit. I can't keep them straight.  But in a few chapters I'll be fine. It's not your writing, I'm just slow, lol.
I really like this. I still can't see how they're mutants, though. Oh, well, you're probably leading up to telling us that. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Sumi wrote: |
| I found Sitar wandering around moonily. No doubt he’d gone into the city that surrounds my offices, and found some girl at his favorite haunt. |
Moonily doesn't give off a very good impression I'm thinking you meant "moodily" ...
| Sumi wrote: |
| Or, in other words, “you can tell me to do something, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do it your way.” |
I was hoping he'd say something... with a little more personality. This just sounds a bit generic.
| Sumi wrote: |
If you say to him, “hey, Sitar, want to run out and get burgers for Nell and I?” then you’d definitely get burgers, but Sitar has a somewhat warped sense of humor, so odd ingredients like cabbage, apple sauce and corn flakes manage to end up on the buns, often as not. |
The stricken-out (please, ignore my word-putting-together-ness) part is explained by the quote following it, and is as a result rather unnecessary.
| Sumi wrote: |
| “You know him. Since Polomar got back, he’s been annoying him.” |
So many pronouns! I'm not sure what him is who and when, and what's on second? [/my poorly executed joke] In this case, it's more helpful to repeat names for clarification.
In general, watch out for big blocks of information. If you were telling a story standing at a microphone onstage, and had to step aside and say, "wait a minute, let me tell you what's happening", you should rethink the paragraph.
Any confusion or awkwardness could be corrected if you read the whole thing out loud and see where things maybe aren't as smooth as you might like them to be.
I think I missed somewhere... what kind of mutants are they?
The orchestra performance might transition a little smoother if one of the characters was at the performance and is recalling the rest of the story? Random thought. Otherwise it's kind of the music piece on one hand, and the mutant part on the other.
| Sumi wrote: |
I’m still asking myself that. I have come to a couple conclusions: one: I am crazy. (This has merit, according to Kaz and Nell)Two: I was drunk. Three: I have an evil twin who knows exactly who will piss me off the worst, knocked me out, dragged Dan to meet ‘me’ and got him to join my ranks.
I’m inclined to thinking #3. |
I like the humour you put in. |
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