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Armadian
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 Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 8:28 pm Post subject: Guardian of Heaven |
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Prologue
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In the quiet forest of Northern Minnesota. A man is seen walking between the trees searching for something. This man is looking for the one and only moon child. This moon child is the angel of destruction. There is a prophecy that goes along with this man searching for the moon child. The moon child is said to come from the heavens to be born a human. This human then is searched for by a guardian angel. This guardian angel will try to save the moon child. When the angel gets to the moon child the moon child dies and the earth is still safe. When the guardian does save the moon child the earth goes into a moment of destruction where the world is about to blow up. This process takes 3 days to destroy everything on our planet Earth. There is nothing that can be done by any one that can save Earth. All we know is that a new planet will take Earths place and start life all over again from step one. This angel is the man in the woods. Demons steal this moon child and guard it with there life. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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This reminds me of the sentence combination worksheets my English teacher gave the class. These worksheets had very short sentences and you were supposed to combine them into longer sentences.
Your sentences are fragmented and squashed. Sometimes this is a good thing, especially if you want to make the reader see a "simplistic" feel about the story, but prologues are not the place to do it. In fact, I am wondering whether you even need a prologue in this case. Prologues should be guarded against since they sometimes have nothing to do with the story and take away from the power a story may have.
In this case, I would start your story with "Chapter One" and then describe the child being guarded by demons. Do not tell who this child is, what she's doing there, or even that Earth will be destroyed. Your reader will soon find this out anyway. Be careful about telling the reader what everything, especially at first, because you want to lead the reader gently into the story.
Good luck. |
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Darkmoon158
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Hmmm....moon child? Why does that seem so familer? lol...well I agree I think this should be more of chapter 1 than a prologue. Again your sentances are missing something I can't think of it right now...but they're missing something important. Gosh, now I'm going to be trying to think of what it is all night. |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:04 am Post subject: |
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The sentences were kind of weird. You would say something in one sentence, then you would restate a main point in the sentence before in the next sentence. Does that make sense? Er, well, here's an example:
The boy threw the ball. The ball rolled under the fence. The fence was really tall.
See, in the first sentence, there was a ball and that was the main point of that sentence. In the next sentence, there is the ball again, except there is another point, which is the fence. That was how you wrote all of it, and it got boring. The actions within the story aren't captured in the words, either. You should use some descriptive words and details to lengthen some of the sentence, so it's not as blunt. It just needs to have some flair in it. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked the way it sounded. It does make me interested in reading on. In many cases, Snoink would be right about not giving all this information away, and not using a prologue, but whether or not it works can't really be judged until you've read a few chapters after the prologue. |
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Armadian
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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| SO is this a story I can start writing and people would be interested? |
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Rei
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I will at the very least. But don't worry about whether or not people will like it until after you've finished it. If you feel like writing it, write it. |
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Armadian
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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Ok then it is settle i will start writing now......................A long time ago in a galaxy, far far away.................
Episode 1.
(j/k) |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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| The best thing you can do is just to start writing. As you have it, I have no opinions about the story (except that sentence combination skills might be a good thing to prove now). Otherwise, I'm waiting for a chapter. The first chapter will be the one that starts you up and it will tell whether you need a prologue or not. |
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Didn't I already say that? |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Yes but... I was giving my opinion! 
Listen to Reichieru. She's always right.  |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| this is really weird, a bit fast and confuzing.. |
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Greg!
I'm going to read some of your stuff now!
The prologue is very interesting and it catches my attention!
It's a little confusing at times, but I can't wait to read the next part!
good job!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| This was a rather simplistic prologue. Add some more description, a little characterisation and work on your sentence structure. The idea that's there is okay but what you have so far needs quite a lot of work. I suppose my advice to you is to try writing chapter one and see how that goes. |
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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This doesn't seems so much a story as a plot outline in prose format. Take ideas like "This guardian angel will try to save the moon child" and flesh them out, and it'll improve.
Maybe this is a prologue? If so, be careful you don't tell everything at once, even if you don't give away the ending, because where's the fun in that |
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