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Skye
haute couture
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 Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:12 am Post subject: line by line. |
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these filthy sidewalks
starchy backbones pretending
blinding spinal columns to walk and spit on
gracing ground for parasites
we’re barely sightless [parasiteless]
barely broken
facing shards of breath in the fractal framed
light of endearments and affections
[barely unrequited]
affectations of brevity and love
and love in concision
and briskness in precision
bracing beauty and minding malediction --
all are worthlessness bred from inflections and
afflictions fed by meter and rhyme
the alliteration crime consuming coarseness
line by line.
rehabilitation-based prayers begged
mercy death amaze
raze this filth to the ground
praise this trash to the ground
tear this shit down
and maybe the leeches won’t reach
these spotless eyeballs
trained blind and barely decayed
on paper supplications
the alliteration crime careening blind
line by line. |
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Last edited by Skye on Sat Sep 08, 2007 8:59 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Leja
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:24 am Post subject: |
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My initial reaction was that halfway through the first stanza, I couldn't remember what the subject was. Is there any way you can break this up into a few more sentences? [this has every chance of being just me being tired, however].
I like how everything sounds together; I think you made very good word choices throughout the whole thing.
Here, I was confused:
"rehabilitation-based prayers begged
mercy death amaze
raze this filth to the ground"
especially in the second line of this. Upon rereading it a few times, it became clear, but punctuation between the three words would make everything much clearer (maybe commas or backslashes?). I really like the amaze/raze succession, there.
In context, these lines don't make much sense to me:
"light of endearments and affections
[barely unrequited]
affectations of brevity and love
and love in concision
and briskness in precision
bracing beauty and minding malediction
all are worthlessness bred from inflections and"
and are where I got lost initially.
Other than a few clarity things, I like it. |
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Last edited by Leja on Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:06 am; edited 1 time in total |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:22 am Post subject: |
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Poetry and Punctuation
That's a start.
It's much too rambly. Like Amelia said, I'd completely forgotten what I was reading 5 lines in. It's overbearing, and I know it's very hypocritical of me to say this, but wordy, heavy, and ambiguous.
:p |
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Lady Pirate
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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| It's like scrammbled eggs, and I got a little confushed. work on the punctuation, just work on clearing everything up a bit, because right now it is a little mucky. |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 3:03 am Post subject: Re: line by line. |
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| Skye wrote: |
these filthy sidewalks
are starchy backbones pretending
blinding spinal columns to walk and spit on.
gracing ground for parasites.
we’re barely sightless [parasiteless] |
Alright, let me just say that I totally lolzed at the last line there. Parasiteless...ahh, classic. Anyway, in the second line, I'm not sure 'pretending' is the right word (unless you add a 'to be'). Maybe mimicking? Impersonate?
| Skye wrote: |
barely broken
facing shards of breath in the fractal
light of endearments and affections
[barely unrequited] |
Getting pretty confusing here, but I took my time in reading this and understood most of it. The little brackets are getting annoying now. (What seems to be) comedy doesn't fit well with the poem.
| Skye wrote: |
affectations of brevity and love
and love in concision
and briskness in precision
bracing beauty and minding malediction --
all are worthlessness bred from inflections and
afflictions fed by meter and rhyme
the alliteration crime consuming coarseness
line by line. |
Probably my favorite part of the whole poem. The flow and rhyming is fairly smooth. Sounds like a rap, though.
| Skye wrote: |
rehabilitation-based prayers begged
mercy-death-amaze
raze this filth to the ground
praise this trash to the ground
tear this shit down
and maybe the leeches won’t reach
these spotless eyeballs
trained blind and barely decayed
on paper supplications
the alliteration crime careening blind
line by line. |
It all seemed well about three lines in, but then it just started to sound like a Rage Against the Machine song. And not anything from Evil Empire, it sounded more like Battle of L.A., which is a bad thing. The leeches and the eyeballs part was better off in countless emo songs. |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 1:51 am Post subject: |
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Skye --
This is very confusing. First you are talking about sidewalks, and then you go off in all these different directions and leave the sidewalks behind. I was kind of lost while reading this. >.<
I was also bothered by the lack of punctuation. I don't doubt your skill with grammar or anything...I just think you shoudl use punctuation in this poem.
| Skye wrote: |
these filthy sidewalks
starchy backbones pretending
blinding spinal columns to walk and spit on
gracing ground for parasites
|
I think you kind of put a bit too much about the sidewalks. Also, you say 'starchy backgones pretending'. What are they pretending?
I like the idea of sidewalks as backbones, but I don't see how sidewalks are blinding. I mean, sidewalks are just dismal slabs of grey concrete - nothing blinding. Maybe blinding in their ugliness, though...if taht's the case, I think you should clarify.
| Skye wrote: |
affectations of brevity and love
and love in concision
and briskness in precision
bracing beauty and minding malediction --
all are worthlessness bred from inflections and
afflictions fed by meter and rhyme
the alliteration crime consuming coarseness
line by line.
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Whoa, whoa. I completely lost the meaning here. What does this have to do with sidewalks? And what does this [and sidewalks] have to do with line by line?
| Skye wrote: |
raze this filth to the ground
praise this trash to the ground
tear this shit down
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Tear what shit down? I don't really like the repitition of 'ground'.
Overall, this is...confusing. As Lady Pirate said, it's like scrambled eggs. At times I felt like you were just listing words at random, but mabe that's just me. I never was the best as reviewing poetry, let alone understanding it.
Anyways, Happy Writing!
-Camille |
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