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by Dearws in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 12, 2007
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 12:14 am    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake) Reply with quote

Chapter Six: Unlocking the Sword

The cave was cold and dark. It seemed like they had been walking in this cave for hours. A cool breeze was blowing through the cave from up ahead. The only light that was provided was Draco’s feint, glowing aura. The cave was awfully silent, and Kai couldn’t help but feel a presence further down the cave from where they came.

The silence was making Kai tense. Never in his life did he manage to keep his mouth shut for this long. Kai finally decided to break the silence. “This is unexpected. To think, I’ll be the first person in five millennia to get a chance to use the legendary Tenjin. It’ll be quite a responsibility to have all its powers at my command.”

Draco replied, “Not quite.”

Kai looked oddly at Draco. “What do you mean?”

“When the Dragon Knights sealed the sword in The Master Shrine. They split up its powers over Fire, Thunder, Ice, Darkness, and Light. They believed that if an unworthy soul were to somehow bypass the sword’s seal, it might use its destructive powers blindly. This way, it’ll take a regular human possibly more than a life time to be able to even use the Tenjin. The Tenjin still possesses some of its original strength, but right now it is merely an empty shell, so to speak.”

“Where did they put all the powers after they separated them?” Kai asked.

“They constructed five small shrines similar to The Master Shrine in different parts of Horagothien. They were designed to store the powers of the sword so that they would stay undisturbed. The aura caused by the powers stored in the shrines affect the environment around them, and serves as an unexpectedly useful obstacle to keep humans and demons from venturing where they should not be.”

Kai asked, “So, how does one obtain these powers?”

“The Tenjin itself acts as a key to its own powers. It must be inserted into a certain spot on the shrine for it to absorb the aura of that shrine. When the Tenjin regains all its powers, the one who is responsible is granted unimaginable strength. But, you need not worry about this now. Much training must be done before you can venture for the sword’s full power.”

Kai tried to ask more about the Tenjin’s powers, but all that Draco would mention was that much training was needed to use them. After he gave up on pressing Draco for more questions on that subject Kai started to wonder how much Draco actually know about him.

So, Kai asked, “Hey, Draco.”

“Yes?”

“Just how much do you know about me, apart from the fact that I’m Hikatsumi’s son?”

Draco looked amusingly at Kai, as if the dragon was glad that he asked that question. Kai began to feel a slight pulling sensation in the back of his head. A few moments later he heard a voice. This one was different from the one he heard many times before. It was Draco’s. “More than you think, Kai.”

Kai nearly jumped out of his skin. “How did you do that?”

“We Earth Dragons possess many abilities, abilities that can affect the body, as well as the mind. There are many creatures in the world that can use this ability.”

“Do Dragon Knights have that ability, too?” Kai asked. He seemed excited about the thought of being able to read a person’s mind.

“Do not be so eager to do so, Kai. A person’s mind is their final sanctuary, a place of great importance that stays untouched by others when all other sanctuaries have been left in ruin.”

“I see…”

“But, learning how to read, and to some extent control, a person’s mind is an important ability for a Dragon Knight, especially during times of battle. All powers that humans would refer to as super natural or paranormal derive from magic. Reading a person’s mind is no different. Just like sensing an aura, reading a person’s mind is considered a sixth sense. To do so one must apply magic to their own mind in order to hear the thoughts of others. Surface thoughts are easiest to read, but deeper, more personal thoughts like memories require the use of more magic and force. Doing so will cause strain not only on the person who is reading, but also the person who is being read. This is why you must think carefully before deciding how to use this power. You must always try persuade your target before reading his thoughts.”

“So…” Kai continued, “that feeling I got in the back of my head, that was you reading my thoughts wasn’t it?” He didn’t have to say any more because Draco had read his mind and knew what he was talking about anyway.

“Yes, what you felt was my power pulling at your thoughts and memories.”

“What did you see?” Kai asked, worried.

The dragon sighed. He spoke in his normal voice again. “I saw many things. I saw your mother; you loved her very much until the… incident. I also saw your friend Karen. A full day has yet to pass and already you miss her. From the things I’ve seen, I’m sure she will miss you too.”

Draco was right. Kai missed both of them very much. His mother was dead, gone forever, and his friend would just as well be the same since he could no longer return to Kuri City to see her. “Anything else?” He asked almost dryly.

“I’ve seen… him.”

“Who?” As soon as Kai asked he knew what Draco was talking about.

“The man with dark blood hair. He has provoked you to call upon his powers, by doing so your lust for blood and death brought on by your demon side was brought out. Your hatred fueled your strength, as well as his. Blinded by your rage you killed innocent people, and you enjoyed it.”

“But… I didn’t…” Kai wanted to protest but he knew the dragon was right. At the time he had enjoyed every second of it. The powers the demon in him possessed, the clarity that rage gave him, and most frighteningly of all, the blood.

“It was not your fault. You were not yourself. You were conscious of your actions, yes, but you were being manipulated, controlled. In time, you will learn to shut out the voice in your head, for that voice will be the most dangerous enemy you will ever face.”

Finally, after a long time of walking Kai noticed an opening at the end of the tunnel. They walked through the opening and arrived in a gigantic underground chamber. In front of them stood a giant shrine bigger than any shrine Kai had even seen. The shrine itself stood eight stories high and took up more than half the chamber. High above the shrine visible wind could be seen swirling around in a small vortex. Five thick, towering obelisks that stood higher than the shrine itself surrounded it. All the obelisks were the same size and shape, but each of them looked different. The first one was slightly orange. It looked like a very feint fire was burning off the top of the obelisk. The second one was slightly yellowed with occasional sparks of electricity jumping from it. The third had blue in its color. Icy looking mist rolled from the top down the side of the obelisk. The forth one was blackened. An eerie, messy green-black fire faintly burned on the top with black mist rolling down the side. Kai was slightly unnerved when he noticed the forth obelisk’s fire somehow burned differently than the first obelisk’s. The fifth obelisk had a tint of bright gold in the rock. The obelisk seemed to be giving off a warm aura of light. Each obelisk bore a different symbol. Kai noticed the symbols from ancient tapestries he read when he lived in Kuri City. They were symbols from the ancient language of Dragonese. Kai focused his sight on the symbol of the first obelisk. The lines and curves of the engraved symbol morphed into a word in the English language. It read “FIRE.” When Kai shifted his eyes to look at something else the word would morph back into its previous symbol. He looked at each of the other obelisks’ symbols. In order, the rest of the obelisks read, “THUNDER,” “ICE,” “DARKNESS,” “LIGHT.”

Draco took a few steps forward and gazed at the shrine. “Here we are, The Master Shrine. You notice the auras coming from the obelisks, do you not?”

Kai replied, unsure, “Yeah, I think.”

“This is the first step of bypassing the seal. If one can see the auras emanating from the obelisks it is possible for him to wield the power that this shrine protects. You see, in order to use power one must be able to see it. But, as I said this is only the first step. The Tenjin has a mind of its own. If it doesn’t see you as worthy of its powers then it will not show itself to you.”

Kai asked, “So, will I be able to take it?”

“I do not know.”

Draco spread out his wings and flew with great speed to the top of the shrine. He landed next to a purple crystal at the top of the shrine. Kai couldn’t see exactly what the crystal was from where he was standing. Draco spoke to Kai through his mind, because he was too far away for his voice to be heard.

“Climb up to the top of the shrine. When you get to the top, you will come face to face with the very key to Earth’s future.”

Kai tried to reply by using the same method Draco had. “Would I be able to fly up there like you did?”

“How old are you?” Draco asked.

“Fifteen.”

“Then you cannot. Your wings have yet to grow to their full length. In two years you will be able to fly, but until then you must rely on your feet.”

Kai sighed, dreading the strenuous climb up the steep steps of the shrine. If the angle of the stairs were any higher it would be a wall. Nevertheless, Kai proceeded up the steps. Every stair brought him one step closer to his destiny.

When Kai finally made it to the top of the shrine he rested his weight on his knees and tried to catch his breath. The shrine was bigger than it looked, and climbing the whole thing was very tiring. When he lifted his head, he gasped in amassment. In front of him was a giant purple crystal rotating in mid-air. Inside the crystal was a sword. The blade of the sword was sky blue, with inscriptions in Dragonese on each side. The hilt of the sword split into two separate points where the handle met the blade. At the base of the hilt, the metal curved into a ring. A metal type piece of string hung a large tooth like object by the base of the hilt in the ring. When Kai tried to read the inscriptions on the sword Draco told him, “It is said that if a Dragon Knight reads the inscriptions on the blade of the Tenjin, it will tell him how his future may turn out.”

With that, Kai focused on the inscription through the face of the purple crystal. The symbols shifted and morphed around until Kai could read what it said. When the inscriptions were readable, Kai’s eyes widened. The inscription read, “DESTRUCTION RAINS FROM THE SKYS.” Kai turned his head and looked at Draco. He expected the dragon to ask what it said, but he merely stared at the blade with a sense of utter calmness.

Draco instructed, “Place your hand on the crystal. If the sword rejects you, the unbreakable rock will stay solid. But, if the Tenjin accepts you, your hand will pass through the crystal and allow you to take the sword.”

Kai was almost too nervous to try, but he lifted his shaky arm anyway. He placed his hand on the crystal and closed his eyes to brace himself for the disappointment of being rejected. But, when his hand came in contact with the rock, it sifted through the surface as if he were reaching into a pond. Kai almost lost his balance when his hand went through. He was so amazed by his acceptance by the sword that he didn’t know how to express it. He reached through the crystal towards the sword. As he reached, it seemed like the sword was moving closer to him through the rock. When the Tenjin was within his reach, he grabbed it by the handle. Kai nearly had a heart attack when the crystal around the sword suddenly shattered into a million pieces and fell to the ground. When the shards of the crystal bounced off of the ground once or twice they faded away out of existence. He held the Tenjin proudly in both hands.

Suddenly, small clashes of thunder are heard from above. He looked up through the gap in the roof of the shrine and saw the visible wind from above swirling even more violently. Instead of a small vortex, it became a tornado. The wind suddenly split into five streams of thick air that shot towards each of the obelisks. The streams swirled around the obelisks for a few seconds and gained the color of each towering rock. After a few moments the obelisks lost their aura and color. Then, the streams reformed back into a colorful tornado above the shrine. The tornado let out a quick flash. Each stream shot up to the ceiling of the chamber and looped back down to the shrine. The streams merged into one and smashed into Kai’s chest. The power from the shrine coursed through his body and mind. The feeling… the sensation… the power was almost too great for Kai to handle. When the aura stream was all inside of him Kai passed out.

His vision went from black to white in a matter of seconds. He could see again. His body felt lighter, he felt no pain, he felt nothing at all. It was as though he had been freed from the coils of mortality. He had no eyes, yet he could see every inch of the chamber. He had no ears, yet he could hear every wisp of wind as it flows through the caves. He had no body, yet he could reach out and feel every nook and cranny within the cavern. Kai was having an out of body experience. Underneath him was the shrine, vibrating violently. He could see Draco and himself standing at the top of the shrine, motionless, as if time itself had stopped. He kept hearing the voices of the forgotten echoing through the cave, yet he could not decipher any word from them.

His spirit, his essence, was suddenly pulled backwards through the entrance of the chamber. He was sucked out of the front of the cave by an unknown force. The voices continued their chatter through his mind, like the pitter-patter of rain during the cool April nights. Trees and villages rushed under him as he flew backwards at an unimaginable speed. He stopped in front of a large volcano in the center of the continent. The mountain looked like an entrance to the center of the Earth, if one were to look into the crater they would expect to see the heart of the planet. The volcano erupted with an Earth shattering boom. A stream of lava as thick as the crater itself shot out of the volcano and into the heavens. It seemed like the stream of lava would continue into the sky without faltering or coming back down. The heat was so intense that he could feel the scorching air rush through his conscience.

Kai was suddenly forced through the sky again. In a few seconds he traveled the distance that would take weeks to travel on foot. He stopped in front of a giant savanna. Vicious thunderstorms ravaged the land. Kai could see thousands of lightning bolts ripping up the ground below all at once. Mountains struck through the Earth’s skin like needles on a pine tree. The storms were so powerful that when lightning struck the tops of mountains they were completely obliterated, exploding on impact.

Kai was shot forward and traveled an even greater distance in even less time. He stopped in front of a barren land of ice and snow. Violent blizzards stretched out into the horizon, covering the surrounding lands with a thick, mile high blanket of snow. The temperature and force of the winds chilled Kai’s conscious to the point where he thought his soul would freeze in an instant and fall out of the sky. If there had been any signs of civilization in this barren land it was long gone, buried under the centuries of never ending snowstorms.

Kai was pulled back through the sky. He saw the volcano and its never-ending stream of lava whip by as he passed overhead. After passing over miles of ocean he arrived at a small island. A lone mountain stood in the center, over-looking the land like a tower built by Gods. The island was shrouded with a pitched black fog. High over the mountain the fog had four gaps in it: two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The gaps were formed in the shape of a haunting face. The gap that represented the mouth was moving. Kai could hear a deep, evil sounding voice under all the other voices, it was laughing at him. He could feel his emotions getting the better of him. Depression, anger, and fear were all rolled into one as Kai gazed at the haunting mountain. It was almost enough to drive him insane.

Kai was forced through the sky and back onto the mainland. He continued on until he reached a large city. The whole city was being showered in light from a giant sunbeam through the clouds. It seemed as though the gates of Heaven floated just above the city, shrouded by the mask of golden clouds. In the very center of the city, a blinding orb of light shone with great intensity. The light from the city, above and below, warmed Kai’s soul. His mind felt a sense of peace and harmony.

His concentration on the heart-warming light was broken as he was pulled back to the point where he started. He was yanked toward the ground into the forest. Trees were rushing past him. Ahead he could see the entrance to the cave rocketing toward him. He flew through the long cave, into the chamber, up the shrine steps and into the head of his motionless body. His vision flashed white, and then faded to black.

After a moment, Kai’s vision came back to him in a blur. He felt like he had just woken up from a dream, a long, exhausting dream. He felt something heavy pulling down on his right arm. He looked and noticed that he was still holding the Tenjin. He looked to his left and saw Draco. The dragon hadn’t moved an inch from before Kai experienced the phenomena.

Kai’s senses were hindered by a sudden wave of dizziness. He asked, “What just happened?”

Draco looked at Kai. He had a pleased expression on his face. “The vision,” he told him.

“The vision? What do you mean?”

Draco ignored the question, turned around and started towards the shrine steps. “Remember the locations that were shown to you. They will become very important when your training is complete.” Draco opened his wings and fluttered down to the foot of the shrine. Kai took another look at the sword in his hand. It somehow felt lighter than it did before. It was like holding a wooden sword; it weighed virtually nothing as he held it in his hands.

Delight and excitement filled Kai’s heart. He finally realized why he was placed in this world. ‘He’ was the one spoken of in the prophecy, the descendant of the Legendary Dragon Knight! His pride was at an all-time high as he waved the sword around in the air.

“You know what this means, don’t you?”

Kai stopped waving the sword. He replied to the voice, “Whatever advice you have for me, I’m not going to take it.” But, the voice ignored Kai’s warning.

“With the power of this sword, you can go back to Kuri City and make the king suffer for his sins. It is because of him that your mother died, that you were separated from your only friend. Burn his palace to the ground, and desecrate his body in the ashes. Make them all pay. With this sword, the whole world could be yours.”

The thought somehow made Kai feel warm inside. He knew it wasn’t right but he felt a sense of pleasure from the idea of getting even with the man who ruined his life. He looked at the Tenjin and almost smiled at the thought of running it through the king’s stomach, watching the desperation in his eyes as death slowly took him, body and soul.

“Don’t you see? We are not enemies. I only want what you want. If you suffer, I suffer. If you are happy, I am happy. Can’t you see that if we work together we will wield a power no man, or Dragon Knight could ever hope to imagine? This is just the tip of the iceberg. When the time comes we will return to Kuri City and make the king pay in blood for his deeds. With him out of the way, you can be with your friend again.”

Kai dismissed the thought, stored it in the back of his mind. One day he will take revenge on the king. But until that day, he must listen to his new companion. Draco will teach him everything he needs. It’ll only be a matter of time before everything will be made right…


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I need someone to critic my work!!!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The cave was cold and dark. It seemed like they had been walking in this cave for hours. A cool breeze was blowing through the cave from up ahead. The only light that was provided was Draco’s feint, glowing aura. The cave was awfully silent, and Kai couldn’t help but feel a presence further down the cave from where they came.


Repetition. You use the word cave several times in the same paragraph, and it becomes very distracting. You've already established that the setting is in the cave, so you don't have to repeat the word when describing atmosphere.

Quote:
After he gave up on pressing Draco for more questions on that subject Kai started to wonder how much Draco actually know about him.


Take this sentence out. The character's actions should speak for themselves. Since Kai asks Draco about it, you don't need to tell us he's wondering how much he knows. It's already obvious because of the question.

Quote:
Draco looked amusingly at Kai, as if the dragon was glad that he asked that question.


I'm not sure if amusingly is the right word. You're describing his look as amusing, but that doesn't mean he's amused at Kai. Reword this, since the meaning is muddled.

Quote:
Kai nearly jumped out of his skin.


I used to use phrases like this alot, but now I know that they're very awkward. Either he jumped or he didn't jump, right? How do you nearly jump? I'm sure you can come up with a better description for his surprise.

Quote:
“So…” Kai continued, “that feeling I got in the back of my head, that was you reading my thoughts wasn’t it?” He didn’t have to say any more because Draco had read his mind and knew what he was talking about anyway.


One comment on their ability to mind read. You say that it's an important skill to have during battle, yes? Wouldn't that mean it would have to be a subtle act? If someone can actually feel a tugging in the back of their head when their mind's being read, it's not very subtle. I would imagine that person would realize something was happening to him. Just a thought, pay no mind to it if you disagree.

Quote:
“Anything else?” He asked almost dryly.


Almost dryly? Don't stick in adverb unless they really add something to the meaning. In this case, it doesn't. Any vividness that would be conveyed in that tag is ruined due to the "almost". It's unneeded.

Quote:
“I’ve seen… him.”


Instead of "I've seen", using "I saw" would flow a lot better in my opinion. It just sounds better.

Quote:
The man with dark blood hair.


Dark blood hair? Maybe dark blood-red hair, but not blood hair. That doesn't make much sense.

Quote:
All the obelisks were the same size and shape, but each of them looked different.


You have the same problem here that you did in the first paragraph. Throughout this paragraph you have repitition of the word "obelisk" too many times. Fix that.

Quote:
When he lifted his head, he gasped in amassment.


amazement

Quote:
When the inscriptions were readable,


Take out this part. You already said basically the same thing in the last sentence, so this bit isn't needed.

Quote:
He reached through the crystal towards the sword. As he reached, it seemed like the sword was moving closer to him through the rock. When the Tenjin was within his reach, he grabbed it by the handle.


These three sentences can be combined into one. All your basically saying is that you reached for it and grabbed it. Doesn't take three sentences to do that.

Quote:
Kai nearly had a heart attack when the crystal around the sword suddenly shattered into a million pieces and fell to the ground.


Your descriptions of character reactions are almost always passive. You need to describe body language, and raw feeling. The kinds of descriptions you have make everything seems superficial and we really don't get a sense of what the main character is feeling. This is essential. A measure of a good writer is how well he or she is able to communicate emotion. Without that skill, your fiction is nothing.

Quote:
Kai was having an out of body experience.


No duh. We can see that. Please cut this out.

***
Okay, enough nitpicks. I think you get the idea. Razz

Main problem? Communication of emotion. I had a lot of trouble feeling exactly what the main character felt. Like I said before, this is crucial. Work on your description of their reactions. Include more body language and physical changes that imply what it is they're feeling at the moment. For example, if someone is scared, you can describe how all the color suddenly drained from his face. Stuff like that. I promise you, if you work on that, your writing will be doubly better.


MM

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