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Silly, but Never Childish
Silly, but Never Childish

by Explosive_Pen in Non-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on July 13, 2007
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Twin Riddles Chapter 2
Twin Riddles Chapter 3
Twin Riddles Chapter 4
Twin Riddles Chapter 5
Twin Riddles Chapter 6

Twin Riddles

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:44 pm    Post subject: Twin Riddles Reply with quote

She had been waiting for so long. So very long and now that the moment was fast approaching she was nervous. In a few hours it would be decided whether she should be welcomed with open arms or dismissed or, worse, handed over to the others.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes to look into the mirror. She was yet again at first repulsed by her reflection as always and then she began to see her beauty. Waist length shiny and sleek black hair that cascaded down her back like a waterfall. Pale skin and luscious red lips, high cheek bones, small nose and eyes that were a mix of green and scarlet. She smiled and then punched the wall next to the mirror. Her face was immediately transformed when she smiled. When she smiled she looked like the stuff of nightmares. And so she was at times. Her fist left a small hole in the wall and began to bleed. She raised her fist to her mouth and sucked up the blood. She was not a vampire although one of her associates and best friend was. When she had stopped bleeding she turned away from the mirror and walked over to the other side of the small, dark room. She grabbed her cloak with silver snake fastenings. The snake’s tail fed into its mouth and secured the cloak. The cloak was made of green silk and the gloves that she was pulling on went up to her elbow and were of white satin. She looked down at her long black dress and lifted the dress up a little bit so she could see the knee length black boots she was wearing. She let go of the dress and disappeared.

Harry Potter took a sip from his bottle of butterbeer on the table. Everyone else was eating, laughing and some people were discussing information from the latest meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. Remus Lupin was talking to Bill Weasley in the farthest corner of the room.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Asked Ron Weasley, Harry’s best friend, as he flung himself in a chair next to Harry.

“Latest Order meeting or about Bill’s condition.”

“You make it sound like he’s got a disease.”

“Well what better way can he put it Ron!” Hermione Granger said angrily as she sat down on Harry’s other side.

“He could have said Bill’s, Bill’s, Bill’s accident.”

“What happened to him was no accident Ron and you know it.” Hermione said gravely. Ron had opened his mouth to speak but shut it seconds later.

“Anything else on the Horcruxes front Harry?” Hermione asked. Harry shook his head and sighed.

“Nothing. I have nothing whatsoever.”

“Well cheer up mate. We’ll find something soon.” Ron said cheerfully. It was then that a hooded figure stepped out of the fireplace. Harry shot to his feet immediately and everyone had fallen silent.

“Ah. Mr Potter. I have heard so much about you.” The figure looked in Harry’s direction. The figure was a woman and before Harry could answer she had spun round to look at Lupin, who was pointing his wand at her.

“Who are you?” He said with authority.

“The question here is not who I am but what I have to offer you Mr Lupin. Now would you kindly lower your wand because it would be best if no one got hurt in this encounter. It would not improve my character in your eyes.” Lupin did not lower his wand and soon every wand in the room was pointed at the woman in the green silk cloak.

“Who are you?” Everyone asked simultaneously.

“Dearie me. Your not all that friendly a bunch of people are you now?” The woman shook her head.

“Answer the question. Who are you?” Harry said in a commanding tone. The woman turned to face Harry again and lowered her hood. As she did everyone in the room gasped.

“I am Christina Merope Riddle.”

“Your who?” Harry’s voice shook slightly as he spoke.

“I am Christina Merope Riddle. Do listen in future. I don’t like repeating myself. It does waste an awful lot of time that could be better spent in other activities.”

“Other activities would involve helping your brother to kill me.” Yelled Harry. Everyone in the room was surprised to see Christine shut her eyes and breathed in deeply before speaking again.

“No Mr Potter. It seems that I was correct in thinking out of yourself Mr Weasley next to you and Miss Granger on your other side that you do not show as much intelligence as you posses.” Snapped Christina. There was silence and then Hermione spoke.

“Miss Riddle.”

“Yes Miss Granger.” Christina said kindly.

“The one thing myself and many others in the room I am sure would like to know is why you are here.” To Hermione’s surprise Christina’s eyes twinkled kindly at her.

“I would smile Miss Granger but I do not wish to frighten any of you. Smiling does not improve my already grotesque features. The reason that I am here is Mr Potter is embarking on a mission to destroy Lord Voldemort.” Christina paused and looked as though there was something sour in her mouth that she wished to spit out.

“A mission that I believe I would be a valuable asset to.” Harry snorted and the scarlet in Christina’s eyes intensified just a little bit.

“How would you be a valuable asset to what I have to do?” Harry asked rather rudely.

“That, Mr Potter, is for you and you alone to decide. If you do not want my help then I shall leave and continue what I have been doing for over thirty four years.”

“And what is that?”

“That Mr Potter is no concern of yours and never shall be your concern or the concern of anyone else in this room. I hope everyone was listening for I shall not be repeating myself!” There was a slight rumbling as Christina spoke and when she had finished speaking it stopped.

“May I ask why you are all so distrustful of me?” Christina spoke in a calm and soft voice.

“It’s a little bit obvious. Your Voldemort’s sister!” Harry roared.

“NO MR POTTER I AM NOT! I AM IN NO WAY RELATED TO LORD VOLDEMORT!” The rumbling sound was heard yet again and everything began to shake. Harry grabbed Hermione and Ron stood with his back against the wall trying to keep on his feet. After a few seconds the rumbling ceased, as did the shaking.

“What was that about?” Asked Mrs Weasley who had not spoken at all. Her voice was not harsh or angry. It wasn’t pleasant or concerning either.

“I feel that I owe an apology to you all.” Christine said as she moved one white-gloved hand through the air in a circular motion. Everything was back to normal and all the smashed glass and plates were whole again and were neatly situated on the table that was no longer cracked in two. The plates had more food on them than before and the food that had fallen to the floor had disappeared. A small box appeared in the hands of everyone in the room. Everyone opened his or her small boxes with curiosity. Inside all the boxes were a mint, a galleon and a small note with the word Sorry on it in spidery black writing. All looked at Christina again.

“The mints aren’t poisoned if that’s what your wondering. And the galleons aren’t fake. Nor is the apology.”

“What was that all about?” Asked Harry.

“My temper has a tendency to cause minor events such as that.”

“Minor?!”

“Yes minor Mr Potter and I would appreciate if you were manner able to my person or I shall not be to yourself.” Harry had a confused look on his face.

“She means don’t be rude to her or she’ll be rude to you.” Hermione hissed in his ear. Harry nodded his head and looked at Christina. His eyes blazing with hatred.

“Mr Potter. You have never met me so how is it justified for you to hate me? I have done nothing wrong to you.” There was a murmur of agreement throughout the room.

“What is wrong with everyone?! Am I the only person who can see her for who she is?! She’s Lord Voldemort’s sister.”

“No Mr Potter.” Christina said in a sing song voice “I am not the sister of Lord Voldemort I am the twin sister of Thomas Marvelo Riddle.”

“They are the same person.” Harry said through gritted teeth.

“They are not Mr Potter. They are two separate people. My brother and a power hungry beast from the deepest pit of hell.” Harry was shocked from what he had just heard. No one had ever referred to Lord Voldemort like that. It was the truth but no one had referred to him as that.

“Just go back to Voldemort and tell him his plan was a really bad one and that he must be desperate.”

“I shall not go back to Voldemort.”

“Then I’ll take you back. Or someone else here will.” Harry and everyone in the room looked at Christina and were shocked to see fear in her eyes.

“Harry. She hasn’t come from Voldemort. She really is here to help you.” Hermione whispered quietly. Harry nodded his head.

“Show us your left arm. Without the glove on.” Harry ordered. Christina threw him a filthy look and took her left glove off and showed her arm to everyone. There was nothing on her pale, pale skin. There was no Dark Mark.

“Harry. She’s not a Death Eater.” Lupin said slowly. He was finding it difficult to believe that the twin sister of Lord Voldemort was not a Death Eater.

“Can the Mark be removed?” Harry asked quickly.

“No.” Was the reply.

“Can you be a Death Eater without the Mark?”

“No.” Was yet again the reply. Harry had to accept it. Lord Voldemort’s twin sister was here to help.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hrmm I actually quite enjoyed this for a fanfic. The dialogue you used suited the characters well. You portrayed the villains and the heroes of HP well in this.

What I didn't like though was the scene jumping. You jumped from one scene to another and I think it was unneccessary. You could had just sticked with one scene and write well with it.

That's all I have to say. You can't really change much for fanfic.

Bye

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The writing in this was a little chunky and I think some commas would be in order.

Also, when you have a dialogue that ends with "he said", the proper puncutation would be not " .' He said", but " ,' he said."

Thought you ought to know.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 10:13 am    Post subject: Re: Twin Riddles Reply with quote

"No Mr Potter."
i think it should be "No, Mr. Potter," right?
there were lots of mistakes like the above kind.
and i spotted a lot of punctuation errors. You would like to clear the mistakes in the chapter.
besides all that, i thought the story was pretty well-writen Very Happy
i am definetely looking forward to the other chapters.
keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In order of observation:

1. Her description is classic Mary Sue. Cascading hair and multi-colored eyes especially. Most people don't mention the high cheek bones so explicitly, or the specific color of the lips, but it's usually implied. That is not a good start.
(Actually, it's not usually a good idea to infodump like that, especially at the start of a story, no matter what you're writing. It's boring to read.)

2. Everyone's being awfully ... frivolous. The Order doesn't usually discuss Order business outside of their meetings; dinner is usually a time for pretending everything is normal. Plus, Harry was told to keep the Horcruxes a secret, so I doubt Ron, Hermione and him would just chat about them over dinner.

3. Why would they just have their fireplace connected to the Floo like that? It seems like a pretty glaring security hazard to me, if total strangers can just come in and out. I know they had one earlier, but once the War got started in earnest, I would have imagined that they would have closed it.

4. Why does she think she's ugly, when she's clearly not? (That's another common Mary Sue trait, but I couldn't tell you why.)

5. Her apology is ... weird. It's really over the top and unnecessary. She could just fix what was broken and say sorry.

6. Tom Riddle is not Thomas Riddle. (Otherwise, the "Tom Marvolo Riddle"/"I am Lord Voldemort" anagram doesn't work.)

7. Why does everyone just accept her so fast? You have to remember that this is war, and they aren't even supposed to trust each other without triple checking that people really are who they say they are. How do they know that she's not Bellatrix with some Polyjuice Potion, or some random Muggle under the Imperius Curse?
They never would have trusted her - especially considering that she just randomly Floo'd into their home without invitation.

Try to keep these things in mind when you write. Remember that this is war. Run Christina Merope Riddle through a Mary Sue litmus test (and be brutally honest). (I recommend this one for Harry Potter fanfiction.) If you decide that she's worth continuing to write about, come up with a plausible reason for her to not have been known before and work on how she introduces herself to them.

(Also, remember: "I do believe in commas, I do, I do!")

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