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sokool15
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 Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:26 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 7 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:42 am; edited 2 times in total |
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TL G-Wooster
put the lime in the coconut
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 10:49 am Post subject: |
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Good; I don't think there's much wrong with this chapter. Chapters sometimes become my favs for the oddest reasons. 
| sokool wrote: |
| Whiperba chuckled and Brad watched the smoke drift across the ground and form a small puddle in front of Brad as the forest sprite continued talking. |
You do this several times. Instead of repeating "Brad" say "he" or use another word.
| sokool wrote: |
| Whiperba sounded amused when he replied. "Well, yes, but I wasn't going to say it so bluntly. However, having gotten that cleared, I have an important question for you: what are you willing to do to help?" |
Make what it is Whiperba is asking Brad more clear. I didn't know what he was talking about the first time I read this.
| sokool wrote: |
| Brad followed the pile of steam to the edge of the clearing, where Brad sat by the stream. |
Repetition again.
| sokool wrote: |
| The green mist dropped down over Brad's shoulder and onto his hand. Brad had just enough time to feel the warm, soft presence of Whiperba before a small packet of papers wrapped in black ribbon appeared in his hand. |
And again.
| sokool wrote: |
| "DeLucio! You have returned! Enough with this formal nonsense. There's no time for it! Come forward at once and tell me...was the mission successful?" |
The king's in a hurry here, so I'd suggest running these two sentances together into one.
| sokool wrote: |
Dominic bowed his head and came forward, not meeting the king's eyes. "It was partially successful, sire. I managed to employ the two more experienced Mercenaries, but one of them would not come."
Dominic felt the king scowling at his bent head. "Are you sure? Money will do wonders to a stubborn will, deLucio."
Dominic nodded, still keeping his head low. "My king, I am certain. The remaining two Mercenaries, however, insist that this will not be a difficulty." |
Again, repetition. Try to start sentances differently.
| sokool wrote: |
| "If you wouldn't mind," Dominic answered, "Could you ask Erik to come into the king's tent with me? He has the rest of your gold and some orders to impart to you." |
Small letter.
Good, once more. Carry on! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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The chapter wasn't my favourite but it was good. There's a lot of discussions about the war which got a bit repetetive and after all the build up of this king I expected him to be a stronger character. I expected a rather pompous, evil character rather than an impatient, informal person. I suppose it adds a touch of realism to the story but I was a little disappointed. Anyway, I have just one specific point to make -
leaving in it's place peace...and strong desire for justice.
I think this should be 'a strong desire for justice.' Just a minor suggestion and overall, I found it interesting. |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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First of all I thought it was really well done. I liked the short scene with the spirit and Brad. The only thing is I imagined the mist being thick black. When I think green I see forest. Or mabye that was your intent. Hm...
Anyway, uh... Oh yea, I liked the papers with the black ribbon but I imagined them big and they seemed to fit in his pocket. Or mabye they have magical pockets or something. Either way, Valery and Erik did the same with the gold and I thought they were big bags. But thats just me.
Uh, I might describe what the spirit looks like, the face thing. Or describe the absence of specific features. Could he take the shape of a man? Oh, and this is just me not knowing anything but... does only Brad have four arms or do all Shyzel have that?
I liked the king for some reason but I would suggest changing it a bit so he doesn't say he wants them killed directly after they leave the tent. *The walls have ears!* Anyway, I like how the treasurer is kinda afriad of them and doesn;t look at him. I also like how even when the king wants them killed deLucio's like, *Yea but i got my own agenda* well thats how it felt for me so... But other than that stuff really awsome. K... Um... Yea...
~Pol |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| Bowing his head respectfully, Dominic came forward, ncareful not to meet the king's eyes. |
careful, not ncareful. Just a typo that i thought I'd mention.
Anyway good job and please keep it up! I like how things are going.
-Greenie |
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