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Alainna
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 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:12 pm Post subject: Lyla. Part 1 |
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This is the first part of a story I have been working on. It's only rated PG-13 because it deals with mature themes. Hope you enjoy, feel free to crit. 
Part 1
I listened to the shouting. The angry whispers followed by screams had become normal. I slid further under my bed covers and squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to cry. I could hear snippets of the shouting, but most of it was muffled by my Duvet.
“… irresponsible…disgrace…hate…”
Mum was screaming now, hysterically. Then THUD. Silence.
I bolted up in bed, glancing around the pitch black room. Silence. It hurt my ears. I stroked my stomach and got out of bed. Opening the door I wondered how everything had gone wrong so quickly. How I had ruined my parents lives. How I had ruined my own life.
Out in the moonlit hallway I could hear Dad whispering something, calm, sorry. My long curly hair brushed against my damp cheek. Was it all over? Was everyone calm?
“Lyla.”
Dad stood in the doorway; his eyes were red from where he had obviously been crying. Mum was slumped in the corner of the room; she couldn’t bring herself to look at me. Dad went to speak but I butted in.
“I heard.”
Mum whimpered.
“I can’t take this anymore!” I shouted. The room turned blurry. Memories flashed before my eyes. Telling mum, telling Sarah, the night it happened. Him.
“If I could turn back time I would. But it’s over, it happened. I can’t change it!”
I felt the frustration rising so I swung round and walked back into my room, slamming the door behind me.
“Are you still not coming to school?”
Sarah stood in the porch, her hood up, dripping wet. The rain pelted down outside. April Showers.
“No.” I was stood in my pyjamas, my hair a mess, my face blotchy from all the crying I’d done in the last week.
“You have to show up at some point, people are starting to talk.”
I frowned. “Talk about what? What’s the latest rumour?” I hated school. Actually, I hated the gossip and the rumours. People who spread rumours are rats and school’s infested.
Sarah sighed. “Some think you’re ill, some think you’re too scared to come in for some reason or other. But some…”
I shook my head. I understood.
“You’ve been gone for days, Lyla; I can’t keep lying for you. And…well I’m worried. Being cooped up in the house isn’t good for you,” she said gently. I felt my eyes welling up. The clock in the kitchen donged, signalling nine o’clock.
“You’re going to be late, babe,” I croaked, turning away.
“I’m already late, stop changing the subject!” Sarah snapped. She looked angry but her expression softened into disappointment. “Look,” she continued, “tomorrow I’ll be round at eight. You are coming to school, I don’t care how you feel, we need you back, and you need to get back to normal, show your face.” I opened the porch door solemnly and as Sarah left I whispered to myself, “We’ll show our faces.” |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good start, and it has potential for something good. I would have liked to have seen some more description of the characters in the first part, unless you are planning to to this later on.
Another thing was that you could make the first part a lot more emotional for your main character, this is clearly emotional for her, and i think you could inculde more of these emotions in the first part.
I hope you contiue with this, and i will be happy to crit any more that you do. Good luck with your work! 
miyaviloves |
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Goldenheart
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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Very well written!
You already have a feel of who the main character is. You see things through her eyes. Way to hook a reader!
I'm afraid I won't be able to follow this piece all the way through, as you said it's got mature themes. But I did read this particular bit. Nicely done!
All the best,
Goldie |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the crit, all is taken on board.
I will be posting in parts and my next post (part 2) will be soon. It would be great if you guys could continue to crit!!!
Thanks,
Alainna
XXXXXXX
PS. Goldie, the mature themes really are not that bad, nothing to worry about. |
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| Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 12:01 am Post subject: |
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I like where this is going. I think that the ending is a little to final to be "part one," if you see what I mean. It could be read as a completely self-contained piece. Either way, I think it could use some expansion: a little less tell and a little more show.
There were a few grammatical problems (does "duvet" need a capital D?) and such, but over all a good job. I think my real suggestion is to add a little more detail. |
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sokool15
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| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: |
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I agree with the others...a really good beginning.
The tenses, however, seem to be slightly messed up. You begin by speaking in past tense, but then you throw in a 'now': "Mom was screaming hysterically, now." *side note: there is no need for a comma after 'hysterically.'*
Then, later, when it goes into her thoughts, she says: "If I could turn back time, I would. But I can't." This is in present tense. That would be fine, but then in the second part of the post you go back to past tense. It's just slightly confusing.
Forgive me if the fault is in my comprehension, rather than in your writing.
Anyway, keep on going, and I'll try to keep reading. It sounds good so far.
Yours always,  |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:13 am Post subject: |
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Ello, I shall start by saying that I really liked it. It caught my attention from the start and kept my attention. Which I think is one of the most important things. So thumbs up.
There were two things though...
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| but most of it was muffled by my Duvet. |
I'm not quite sure why duvet is capitalized...that just caught my attention.
It would be awesome if there were pajama's made out of pie, but since I doubt there are I think you should change that. =) hehe, it did make me smile though...and want pie...but that's another story....teehee.
Can't wait to read the second part...I think I'll do that now! |
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KiteRide86
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| Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 1:58 am Post subject: |
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I was really intrigued. I want to know what she did that made her parents hate her? Good job!  |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:32 am Post subject: |
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| Nice. Is she pregnant? |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Good beginning. Shows the potential for what happens later. |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:15 pm Post subject: Good! |
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| Fascinated by what will happen next. Of course, the first part is always the hardest because we don't see the reasoning behind the actions. But maybe delve into the character a little bit more: show yourself to the reader. Who is she? Give us a hint. If she's pregnant, heighten her sense of smell. If she's, I don't know, killed someone, makes sure to have her have a sudden impulse to grab her father's shotgun off the wall. Something like that. |
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| Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Quote:
my pyjamas
It would be awesome if there were pajama's made out of pie, but since I doubt there are I think you should change that. =) hehe, it did make me smile though...and want pie...but that's another story....teehee.
Can't wait to read the second part...I think I'll do that now! |
Pyjamas is spelt right. British/english spell it with a y. Like colour and grey. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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Alainna,
I can’t remember the last time I critted something for you, and that has to change, yes? Well, the line-by-line review omes first, as always, and impressions will be at the end. If you have any Q’s, or if at some point I said anything weird, feel free to PM me. I do that, and then later on can’t understand even myself.
Quote:
I listened to the shouting.
I liked this introduction; in my opinion it makes it all very powerful, which is very good. One tiny, nit-picky objection, though: later on (last sentence in the same paragraph) you have ‘shouting’ again. Perhaps using something else would make it look better, or consider rephrasing.
Quote:
I bolted up in bed, glancing around the pitch black room. Silence. It hurt my ears. I stroked my stomach and got out of bed.
Quote:
Opening the door I wondered how everything had gone wrong so quicklyComma up there.
Quote:
I was stood in my pyjamas, my hair a mess, my face blotchy from all the crying I’d done in the last week.
Wrong tense and the repeating of ‘my’ could be avoided.
Quote:
I opened the porch door solemnly and as Sarah left I whispered to myself, “We’ll show our faces.”Hm, don’t like the usage of ‘solemnly’ here. Also, separate this from the rest of the paragraph.
Okay, we’re done with that. Here are my likes/dislikes, impressions and additional comments, all mixed up and in no particular order:
-> Ellipses. Won’t really say anything particularly constructive about them, I suppose. I Haven’t heard of any rules when it comes to ellipses (…), and it’s all rather irritating. I usually put a space after it, as some do, but the other don’t do any space at all, and if you don’t do either the first or the second, then you place spaces before and after. Bizarre, really.
-> Formatting. That’s just a YWS catch, I suppose. Everything’s formatted, here.
-> Description. I think you should add more of those. It would expand the story, make it longer, and also more vivid. Add more tags to the dialogues, perhaps. In the first part it turned out pretty cool the way it is, without much description, but I think the second part would be better with more. Details, if not turned into info dumps, are good most of the time.
-> Emotion. Again, the first part turned out nicely, but it didn’t work to well in the second, where the MC became a little flat. Tell us more of her feelings, show us the emotions that she’s under, etc. Still, you managed to portray the world through Lyla‘s eyes, which is a feat. (By the way, I absolutely adore the name ‘Lyla’)
That’s it for now, I’m really intrigued. I wonder what will be come of this - hopefully I’ll get the chance to read it! Anyway, thanks for posting,
Esmé |
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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Very good writing. You made me get hooked immediately and I want to read
more (which I will).
You brought the main character out right away, which I really think is good. I
like the plot so far. I excited to hear more!
Good job.
-- M.B.Author |
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| Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 1:11 am Post subject: |
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I has great potentail.
I cant wait to read the rest.
I love your word choice.
Although i wonder what is wrong with her.
It was very enjoyable though. |
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