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Shreds
Shreds

by yoha_ahoy in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 11, 2007
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Tamia's quest IX
Tamia's quest X
Tamia's quest XI
Tamia's quest XII
Tamia's quest XIV
Tamia's quest, chapter one
Tamia's quest

Tamia's quest XIII

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Nutty   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:11 am    Post subject: Tamia's quest XIII Reply with quote

The rain fell on the cobbles, forming rivers in the cracks before making its way to the earth below. Above, Elyn stood in a puddle, soaking his boots. Muttering under his breath, he shook his foot irritably, seeking to get as much water off it as possible.

"Just my luck, today."

Shaking his head, he turned the corner, going over the events of the last hour in his mind. The man had shaken him badly, and all he wanted was to get to the inn, sit down, and have an ale. Or two.

Approaching his destination, he looked up at the faded sign. The Raven's Wing, where nobody asked any questions.

Pushing against the rough wood of the door, Elyn kept his head down. The silence was cold, and tense. Surprised, he looked up, and his eyes landed straight on the dagger. Tamia stared at him, a glimmer of hope returning to her eyes.

"Ah, Elyn, isn't it? I don't believe I've had the pleasure."

Elyn lifted his eyes, and stepped back in shock. The tinkle of glass as a drunk knocked his empty mug over was the only sound.

Elyn felt his fury rise, only to war with a deep sense of fear. He licked his lips nervously, inwardly annoyed at himself for such lack of courage.

"Who are you?" What are you? his mind echoed.

"Me? Oh! how rude of me. I'm Amasye."

He flashed a grin, surprisingly human. His skin was a dusky grey, and the right side of his face was detailed with a spiderweb. His hair was charcoal black, short and standing on end. Too fine to be human, his features still had a sense of cruelty about them.

Most alarming, however, was his eyes.

They were pure black, with no evidence of a iris or whites.

Still holding a dagger to Tamia's throat, Amasye gestured for Elyn to take a seat.

Elyn glanced around, looking for help. Any help. Nobody met his gaze, the bartender apparently working on a extremely tough and adsorbing patch of grime. Helplessness swamping him, Elyn sank onto the bench. His dagger was a comfortable weight against his leg, yet his mind knew Tamia would be dead before he could draw it.

"What do you want?" His voice sounded feeble, even to Elyn.

"What do I want? I want to know why a certain someone dared to try and press-gang me into killing the pair of you." Amasye turned his gaze from Elyn to the top of Tamia's head, then back again.

"Your lack of attention to your surroundings tells me I am the first to threaten you in such a way."

Elyn blinked in annoyance. Anger built up in the back of his throat like bile, driving fear to the back of his mind. He longed to rip Amasye's tongue from his head, and barely kept himself in check.

Seeing Elyn's anger, Tamia shot him a warning glance, reminding him that her life was on the line.

"So? If ya gonna kill us, do it now. I'm sure nobody will mind." His voice came out as a low growl.

"Kill you?" Amasye laughed. "I was merely getting your attention."

"Well, ya have i'! Either take tha' blade off her throat or kill us both."

Amasye sighed. "So quick to anger. Very well." He removed his dagger from Tamia's throat, moving to stash it somewhere.

Elyn saw Tamia's expression moments before she moved, his eyes widened. Throwing her elbow back, she caught Amasye in the groin. Amasye staggered back, landing on the ground heavily.

"You bastard!" Standing, she span and kicked the figure on the ground, catching him in the guts.

Amasye blinked, and started unfolding.

Elyn leapt over the table, knocking the figure on the head with the hilt of his dagger.

Amasye slumped back, unconscious. Glee at his victory swept over Elyn, and he turned to grin at Tamia. The half elf was staring at the prone body of Amasye, her fists clenched. Elyn looked at her eyes and saw only cold fury.

.

"Get out! Both of you! We don't have any of that around here! This is a good and hospitable tavern!" The bartender stormed out from behind his bar, pointing at the door.

Elyn reached out and gently took Tamia by the arm, and made to leave the Tavern.

"Oi! Take your trash with you!" The bartender glared at them both, and pointed at Amasye.

He glared at them while they returned, grabbed an arm each, and dragged Amasye unceremoniously out the door.

Elyn looked up at Tamia. He saw no expression in her face, and her eyes were glassy.

"Tammie? What do we do with this one?" Elyn asked, conscious of the stares they were getting while dragging a limp form down the street.

Tamia didn't answer straight away.

Finally she looked Elyn straight in the face.

"We find out who sent him. In any way possible."

Elyn shivered, and they continued to drag the assailant towards the outskirts of town.


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Last edited by Nutty on Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:01 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Muttering under his breath, he shook his foot irritably, seeking to get as much water off it as possible.


Not needed. We know he's in a puddle, so it's obvious as to why he's shaking his foot.

Quote:
Most alarmingly, however, was his eyes.


alarming

Quote:
Nobody met his gaze, the bartender apparently working on a extremely tough and adsorbing patch of grime.


Spell check is your friend. XD

Quote:
The bartender, sure that the danger was well and truely over, decided it was safe to kick them all out.


This sentence doesn't do much for the story, and it's already implied by the bartender's actions. Just start with his dialogue and make sure it's clear who's saying it:

"Get out! Both of you! We don't have any of that around here! This is a good and hospitable tavern!" yelled the bartender over the commotion.

Quote:
He glared at them while they returned, grabbed an arm each, and dragged Amasye unceremoniously out the door.
Shaking his head, the bartender walked back to his bar.
And what was that kid doing with a knife, anyway? He thought, and continued to wipe down his bench top.


Switching perspective mid-scene. Not good. Why care what the bartender's doing, or feeling? He's not an important character, is he? Stick with Elyn's POV, and don't switch mid-scene.

***

Plot-wise, it was interesting. The only problem was the ending. So the guy got beat up. Then what? They just get thrown out of the bar. You haven't established any disaster or major conflict that will carry on to the next scene. This is crucial. You need to end the scene with a hook, a driving conflict that will make the reader go on to find out how it will be resolved. The meat of the conflict in this scene is strong, it's just that you're ending it rather weakly.

If you have any questions, just send me a PM

Hope that helps,
Tony

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wanta know what they're going to do next and what they going to do with Amasye. Smile

MM did the nitpick; there's no heavy mistakes in here. Just do the spell check before posting.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok! I haven't read the other parts, but it sounds really good!

I love the emotion you put into your characters!
I also like how you described the assailant. Very good!

I didn't catch any grammatical errors. Some of the sentences were a little confusing, but for just jumping into the story...I understood a lot! That's a really good sign.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone before me said it all. For jumping into it, you could easily tell who was good and who was bad. Very interesting. I liked it a lot.

I too, didn't catch any errors. Very good! *applauds*

~Dark Magik

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this was well written. You managed to balance description and the emotion of the characters well.

Dialogue wise, it was good but could be a bit better.

The ending kinda annoyed me.

I mean..what is going to happen next? lol

Overall, a good job.

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