Topic ID: 1248
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Duskglimmer
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 Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 3:35 pm Post subject: Erased |
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I posted this somewhere else, but I didn't get many constructive comments on it, so I was hoping I might get a little more over here at the good ol' YWS. So in other words: COMMENTS WELCOME
If I didn't exist,
Don't you see where you'd be?
You'd be on top of the world,
If it wasn't for me.
I know it.
And I think you know it too.
Things would be better if I was erased from history.
If I hadn't come along,
Don't you see where you'd be?
You'd still be in his arms,
If it wasn't for me.
I'm sorry.
And I know you know it's true.
Things would be better if I was erased from history
If I hadn't entered the picture,
Don't you see where you'd be?
You'd still have his loyalty and love,
If it wasn't for me.
Forgive me.
I'm asking you please.
Things would be better if I was erased from history.
Things would be better if I was erased from his story... |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| This is an intresting poem, it flowed well but there was something about it that didn't seem right. The subject seemed kind of blurry to me, like you didn't excatly know what was going on. But it was a nice poem, very enjoyable to read! |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Something wasn't right about this poem, despite the fact I enjoyed the topic. The last line was clever, with the "his story" mimicking the previous line, I think that worked really well. However, I didn't like the constant repetition, as all stanzas were practically the same, it seemed like some sort of 7-year-old poem. I think you should be able to create a bit more variety. Also, there were too many pronouns for my tastes. |
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bluecows
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:35 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this actually, though i don't really know what's going on. can't really fault it.
I don't think it sounded like a 7 year olds poem, repition (is that how you spell it?) works sometimes, like in this case for e.g.
(P.S. Feel free to comment on my stuff, it would be much appriciated!) |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks. I really just wrote the poem to get some of the thoughts inside my head OUT. But then I loved the last line and felt the need to show it to some people. I might go back and try to rewrite it, but I'm not sure...
Once again, thanks for the comments.
Bluecows - I'll go check out some of your work. |
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The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 2:58 am Post subject: |
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| That was very unique. A good topic to write on, although I didn't get some of the ideas that you put on. What is this poem really about, apart from the general topic, why did you write it? |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 3:43 am Post subject: |
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The exact topic was this:
Me and a friend both liked the same guy. She had been dating him for several months before I came along and slowly, he started becoming more interested in me. About 2 months ago, he broke up with her and a week later, we started going out... I was on Cloud Nine, but only when I wasn't having to see her face. The night after she found out that the guy and I were dating, I wrote this. |
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The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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Lollipop
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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I think it's a beautiful poem. Very well written. Well done!!  |
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