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by smittybabe209 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 8, 2007
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Girl Without Hands: A Retelling
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Black Ghost   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 11:53 pm    Post subject: Girl Without Hands: A Retelling Reply with quote

Chop!

Joseph’s axe came down upon the lowly stump, cutting the piece of wood cleanly in two. Both pieces fell to the forest floor, making a thud against the dirt and grass. The leafy branches of the trees rustled softly. Wiping his brow, Joseph bent down and picked up the freshly cut wood, and threw it in a pile behind him.

The sounds of the forest stopped. The birds ceased to sing, and winds died down, sending the place into a hush. Dead silence. Joseph tensed, a crawling sensation spreading over his body.

“Wouldn’t you rather be enjoying riches than toiling with this wretched wood?” The voice was dark and velvety, and seemed to echo from all around.

Joseph snapped his head upward, ready for anything. Beyond the stump stood a man in a black suit, his hands folded behind his back. “Well?” he pressed.

“What do you mean?” said Joseph warily, keeping a tight grip on his axe. “I have no riches.”

“Ah, but I can give you them,” said the man, producing a roll of paper from his back pocket. “And all I desire in return is what stands behind your mill.”

Joseph’s thoughts raced. The old apple-tree? It’s hardly gives fruit anymore. This man must be a fool.

Suddenly, the man in black stood only inches away from the miller, holding out a pen. He smoothed the paper over the splintered tree stump, a wild smile playing about his lips.

“Just sign here, my good man,” he said, pushing the pen into Joseph’s hand. Joseph held the pen just above the signature line, his palm slightly sweaty. If this man was telling the truth, his life of poverty would be over.

Hurriedly, Joseph scrawled his name across the line before he had a chance to change his mind. The man’s gloved hands rolled the piece of paper, and he placed back in his rear pocket.

“Nice doing business with you,” he smiled. “Now run along home and enjoy your new life. I'll be back in three years time to collect my prize." He then turned and walked away, disappearing into the thick trees.

Joseph did as he was told, and trudged back to his old mill, carrying his axe against his sunburned shoulder. Soon his old farmhouse was in sight. His wife was running toward him, her arms flailing above her head.

As he neared the door he caught his wife in her maddened sprint, shaking her.

“What is the matter with you, woman?” he demanded, his eyes fierce.

“Gold,” she gasped, “And jewelry. Every box and chest in the house is brimming with them.”

Joseph left his wife at the door, and ran into the house. He first entered the kitchen, and gasped. Gold coins were spilling from cupboard shelves, hitting the floor with a wondrous ring. Even the breadboxes were overflowing with rare crystals, making the place glow with their reflections of light.

He met his wife outside again in seconds, his eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s true,” he stammered, holding his wife for support. “We are rich beyond our deepest hopes.”

“Who would do such a thing for us?” she asked, embracing him.

“A generous soul,” he said, smiling, as he walked with his wife across the field to the mill. “And all he asked for in return was our withering apple-tree.”

They rounded the mill, and the large apple-tree came into view. Joseph halted, inhaling sharply.

His daughter Amelia stood underneath the tree branches, sweeping the ground with a broom.

#

A mixture of chalk and dust filled the air. Amelia knelt in the dirt, tracing a circle.

“Three years to the day,” muttered Joseph. His wife sobbed loudly on his shoulder. Amelia finished the chalk circle, and she knelt down inside it, bending towards the ground. Joseph’s face grew hot. A lamb to the slaughter.

Amelia began sobbing too, into her hands. Besides the wind, the only sounds that filled the air were heavy heaves and moans of grief. Joseph’s knuckles grew white as he grasped tighter to his wife’s fragile body.

The wind died down. A shadow blanketed the field behind the mill as the sun sank. The same crawling sensation that he felt so long ago was on him again. He immediately felt the sides of his pockets and was relieved to feel the smooth, hard surface of his dagger.

From behind the apple-tree, a man emerged. He was dressed top to bottom in an elegant black suit. He adjusted his tie as he stepped forward, breaking into a wild smile yet again.

“It’s time to collect my end of the deal,” he said darkly. The velvet quality of his voice sent a shiver down Joseph’s spine, yet his countenance remained unchanged. Fear would not be shown to this monster.

The black suited man strode up to the chalk circle. He threw his head back and laughed.

“Silly girl, a bit of chalk won’t keep you from me,” he said, his cackles still echoing around them. Joseph’s hairs stood on end, and his whole body stiffened.

Amelia slowly looked up at the menacing figure, with tears staining her hands as well as her face.

The man took a step back.

“Her hands,” he said, frowning, “The tears have made them clean. I cannot approach her.”

Joseph felt every muscle in his body loosen. A cry of victory rang in his mind, and without thinking he stepped forward.

“Then leave, you wretched monster,” he said fiercely, “And let my daughter be.”

The menacing figure chuckled once again.

“Did you think I would break our deal that easily?”

“But you said you can’t approach her.”

“I can’t. That is, until you cut off her hands.”

The color slowly drained from Joseph’s face. He stepped back again, stammering.

“I—cut off her...?” but he couldn’t finish. Amelia gasped, and his wife’s wails only intensified. The man put his hands behind his back again, and cocked his head.

“Yes, you will cut off her hands. Preferably, now,” he said, pointing to the axe a few yards away.

Joseph’s eyes became unfocused, and his head spun. He squeezed his wife’s shoulder as hard as to the point of silencing her cries of anguish.

Then, slowly, he walked forward.

“Joseph, no!” she screamed, falling to her knees. But Joseph couldn’t hear her. It was as if he was looking through a small opening, and all that he could see or hear was his daughter, Amelia.

He came to the axe lying in the grass. As he picked it up, for a fleeting instant he thought it wasn’t his. It never felt as heavy as this.

“Come, my daughter.”

Tears now ceased, Amelia crawled until she was at her father’s feet. She laid both her hands on a piece of wood, and looked up at him.

"Dear father, do with me what you will,” she said, and then lowered her face to the ground.

A little unsteady, Joseph lifted the axe high above his head. It glinted momentarily in the fading twilight as he readied himself for the blow.

It never came.

The axe fell at his feet, and Amelia looked up in shock. Joseph had his dagger pointed against his chest, tears welling in his eyes.

“You are free, my daughter.”

He forced the dagger into his heart, and fell to his knees. Looking up at the dark suited man, he used his last breath to state, “Our contract is cancelled.”

And then he fell to the ground, dead. The man threw his head back again, this time to yell.

His velvety voice turned as high and terrifying as that of a banshee’s, and he exploded into a cascade of particles that flew over the mill, Joseph’s dead body, and the old apple tree.


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Last edited by Black Ghost on Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:22 am; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you entering your own contest? I didn't find any grammatical errors, so your're off the hook with the comma nazi. XD What I didn't understand was why he couldn't have just waited till her hands dried, or she used the chalk again and made her hands dirty.

Quote:
Chop!

Joseph’s axe came down upon the lowly stump, cutting the piece of wood cleanly in two.

I think that was amazing the way I got an image in my mind from the title, then you stole it away when he chopped some wood rather than her hands. Kudos.

Quote:
“Three years to the day,” muttered Joseph.

That part confuses me. Three years since the contract, or since she was born, or what? It doesn't really say.

I liked it. As soon as he signed the contract, I figured something would go wrong. Moral: Always read something before signing it. XD. So I assume he sold his soul to the devil or something? I'm not that great at figuring out what stuff represents in stories, I won't deny it. The ending was pretty good too. It just seemed to fit. Hope that helped or... made sense, I guess.

~Roya
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

O.o Thanks for catching that. I missed a very important piece of dialogue. The devil is supposed to tell him that he will come after three years to take his prize. Forgot that. Laughing

And no, this is a different contest. It would be wierd if I entered my own. XD

-Tony

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, yeah. That makes so much more sense. It just seemed like it fit the criteria for your own contest in a general kind of way. Which contest would you be entering?
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting! I read the original tale thru the link you gave for the contest, and I must say, I prefer your retelling of it. Smile Less frustrating with all the wrong letters being sent, and with a much more satisfying ending.

MM wrote:
A soft rustle blew through the leafy branches of the trees.


A bit odd, saying "rustle". You might want to change it to another word, imho.


MM wrote:
Joseph tensed, a crawling feeling spreading over his body.


Again, odd word choice. You could say that his flesh crept, or something like that; "crawling" sounds strange.


MM wrote:
Suddenly, the man in black stood only inches away from the miller...


Nit pick. I think you need a comma after "suddenly."


MM wrote:
If this man was telling the truth, his life of poverty would be over. And the riches would be his.


You could run the last sentance onto the first, but that's just my personal opinion.

MM wrote:
Hurriedly, Joseph scrawled his name across the line, before he had a chance to change his mind.


I THINK you should nix that second comma. And if you don't, you could remove "hurriedly" altogether.


MM wrote:
As he neared the door he caught his wife in her maddening sprint, shaking her.


"Maddening" sounds like her running is annoying Joseph. Make it "maddened"


MM wrote:
Amelia began sobbing into her hands like her mother.


Thought her mother was crying on Joseph's shoulder?


Anyway, most of the above is a personal nitpick. This was very good - hope you do well in the contest!

-T

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, Shadowtwit. Very Happy My diction can use a good kick sometimes. XD

-Tony

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, quiet a twist for the original. ^_^ I'm just posting so you will know, and I will remember, that I've read this.

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