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sokool15
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 Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 6:18 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 6 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:41 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 8:11 am Post subject: |
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I think that the beginning, Brad's discovery, is a touch long and repetitive. Maybe delete some of his thoughts. Other than that though, you have good characterisation and I like your descriptions. Just a few specific points to make -
Just because I have morals, just because I don't want to get myself killed in a stupid war
Brad looked down and watched a solitary tear fall down, [I think 'fall through the air' or 'fall to the ground' would sound better here because you've already used the word down in the sentence.] catching the morning sunlight inside so that it sparkled like a diamond.
His voice sounded tired and depressed, even to his own ears. |
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Shadowsun
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| Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 9:22 am Post subject: |
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Ah... Poor Brad. I didn't expect him to link up with Whiperba though. I can definately see them both going something to try and stop the Mercenaries. This is coming along nicely but the ending where it focuses on Dominic and the othersis a bit short. Still good, but short.
Hope this helped.
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:52 am Post subject: |
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First of all,  . I feel so bad for poor Brad. (Ryhm not intended). It was so uncool of his friends to totally abandon him like that. Oh well, just another day in the mercenaries life, eh? (Not Canadian) Uh... Well I like how you expressed the coldness of betrayl first then his stoked anger, which was needed. But, uh... Just a tad bit to much swearing.
Just knock off the last insult. *coughs for no apperent reason* 
Another thing I noticed, I think Its really impossible to land on a branch of a pnie tree. If I'm wrong thats okay but I've tried it before and it deosn't work out very well. Anyway, uh... When the spirit of the forest comes to Brad and gripped his throat, you said throat twice and even that gets pretty repedative.
So the way I usaully do it is replace a "throat" with a "neck" or something. Two words same meaning. Also, I would describe the fear Brad gets from the forest spirit when a misty knife suddenly apears. That scared the crap out of me so...
Also, when Val and Erik meet with the dude. Make it a bit shorter so it seems kinda blunt. Like one of thaso fast sceane enders in a movie. Just a thought. Also, explain how exactly does Brad get carried away by the spirit thingy? I like how you described it as warm when carring him away but mabye describe it as cold at first, like anger or hatred.
Wow, that was really long. Ha ha, stealing everyone elses thunder. (Its what I do best) Anyway... Yea.
~Pol [/quote] |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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Things are coming a long! Brad was left and he and Whiperba have met (I knew it would happen).
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| And you might as well kill me, because I have no real purpose in my life anyway. |
You might try to reword this. It sounds kind of cheese and a bit awkward.
I agree with Pol, cut the swearing, it doesn't really help the story. Describe his anger more; mabye adding some reminence on all the time the group has been together, making the reader sad and angry. Try to make the reader get into it.
Ahh...that's all I can think of. Goodjob and write on!
-Jay of the Green robes |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Great job describing Brad's anger, though, yes, the bad laguage was off-putting. But his emotions were put down well. Although I'd make his speech in the woods thoughts, as when you're alone, you don't really say the obvious to yourself, ime. |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:08 am Post subject: |
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I like how 'like shadow twit said' expressed brads anger, and the language, kinda falls into the scene for me, i deffinatly see myself screaming my head off if that had happened to me!
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:34 pm Post subject: Re: Mercenary Wings 6 |
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Again, nice chapter. The only troubles I really saw here were that Brad's dialogue, specifically, still seems to be missing something. As it is, he's sort of the sensitive, goody-goody guy, and that's the only facet of his character that we really see in his conversations. I would suggest trying to round him out just a teeny bit more so that we get a better look at his character.
| sokool15 wrote: |
He saw no signs of any struggle, so they hadn't been running away from anything. Nothing had woken him in the night. He started hunting the clearing for marks of a landing, but saw none. He spread his wings and lifted himself into the air, his light-boned body easily carried above the treetops.
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Almost every sentence there starts with "he", so I would suggest perhaps mixing up the structure a little.
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"I don't believe it," he muttered, flying straight up. His wings flapped hard and fast, lifting him higher and higher into the air. "But you can't deny it."
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Who is he talking to here? It makes an odd sentence - first he's speaking in first person, then he's addressing himself? I don't really understand.
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| "I can't believe they would...the traitors. Bloody damned traitors." |
I don't think you need to cut *both* words, but maybe one of them. When I string off obscenities, those two usually don't come out of my mouth in succession.
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His wings snapped up once more and he flew angrily.
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How does one fly angrily? I think showing vs. telling would be better here.
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When his voice emerged again from his throat, it was hoarse. A little moisture still hovered on his eyelashes. "Damn them," he muttered quietly. Then louder, "I don't need friends like that." He looked down and saw the the slight green fringes slipping away to desert below him.
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I really like this part. It's very, very telling. I'm not sure if the part that starts "Then louder" is really a sentence, but I see where you're going. This is my favorite "Brad moment" so far.
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he tiredly let himself fall all the way to the ground. As he fell closer to the ground,
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The phrases aren't identical, but you have the words "fall/fell" and "ground" repeated in successive sentences.
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| He got far enough away from the Firekitten Pool that he couldn't smell the dragons any more, then climbed up in a small tree. |
I think this sounds a little awkward; I really have no idea how to explain what I'm trying to say in terms of English. If it were Latin, I'd say that it reads like a result clause rather than a purpose clause... I don't think that made any sense, but hopefully you know what I mean? I think what you're trying to say is that he went into the forest in order to avoid the smell of the rotting dragon carcasses, but the "that" doesn't really do the job on its own.
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"I refused to fight in the king's revenge war against the Rasminians, so Val and Erik left me in the night. I imagine they went to find deLucio...the king's man...and tell him they'll take the gold and fight the war. I didn't know what to do, so I just flew as long as I could, as fast as I could. This is where I ended up. And sir? You're completely right about the dragons. I know you're the spirit of this forest, and I just want you to know that I couldn't finish the job." |
This is another one of those places where the dialogue sounds a touch unnatural to me. I think it's because it's a long chunk of text with absolutely no breaks. In real life, this rarely happens unless someone's making a speech or telling a story. It's perhaps even rarer in fiction.
I don't really have anything to point out in the second part. I must say, I'm a bit jealous - your storytelling is so solid! And did I catch Dominic checking out Val? Can't wait to see where that will go... |
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Aisho
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:27 am Post subject: |
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You have a good sense of what the world is supposed to look like, which makes it far easier to read, but in several instances you began reusing words you'd already utilized in the same sentences. It's not a huge error, and it's not going to be detrimental to your story, but eliminating it can make your words flow far better.
The use of traditional, let's say, Earth-based names threw me off. Perhaps this is based on fantastical circumstances on Earth, in which case this is fine, but if it's not, it can become awkward.
I loved the bit about the smell of death; it was awesome. |
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