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sokool15
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 Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:39 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 5 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:41 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
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| Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:00 am Post subject: |
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Horay! I'm off grounding! Horay! YWS is back up! Horay! I read your story! Horay! Ok, sorry to say but this is the first I've read of your story execpt for the first. Sorry.  I really am. And really hoping these sad faces will make you forgive me. Did it work? Pm me.
Oh, thanks for using my name!!! 
~Pol |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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This part was very well written and you shouldn't worry so much. It doesn't move too quickly, more detail would be nice but isn't necessary, you could make the chapter longer but it's okay as it stands and yes you do ask a lot of questions but not too many. Lol. I really liked the ending though and I can't wait to find out where Brad goes now that he's on his own. Oh and just one more point to make-
They left the forest region with regret, feeling waves of heat once more to rise up under them, warming their stomachs. The dusty brown color of the desert stretched out beneath them endlessly, and the sun was beginning to throw pink and orange rays across the sky
Keep up the good work,
Heather xx |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They left Brad and are going to do the king's bidding. Money over Emotions. IT'S PERFECT!!! 
Okay, Brad should do something heroic and cool now (like go save the Rasminians). Also keep Whiperba in the story, give him an important role to play, cause he is WAY too cool to leave out.
Gimmy more! 
-greenjay |
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Shadowsun
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| Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:46 pm Post subject: |
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Very Mercenary like . They're splitting up over money . I can see Brad doing something that messes everything up for he other two. Anyways. It's getting better and better, I can't find anything wrong with it.
~ Shadowsun |
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TL G-Wooster
put the lime in the coconut
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, they split??
Money is the root of all evil, and all that. Foreshadowing...... seperations....... bad news..... the BIG BAD WOLF!!!
No, sorry, very good chapter once again.  |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:58 am Post subject: |
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| poor Brad! You should keep the dragons in the story for later, like they grow and come to brads aid or something? Its turning into an awsome book!! |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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What an excellent chapter! I must say, I really am stunned. I wasn't expecting that twist at all. Inter-group disagreements maybe, but wow, leaving Brad? I didn't see that one coming.
Brad's dialogue still strikes me as a little rigid in places, but really it sort of fits with his character at this point - he is kind of blunt about things, in a way.
Dominic is such a great character. Also, Val/Erik tension... heehee. Is that going somewhere? I guess I'll just have to keep reading.
Sorry for that totally not-constructive-or-helpful-crit. I'm looking forward to six! |
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