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Creep- Chapter 1
Creep- Chapter 1

by Conrad Rice in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on June 21, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 3:52 pm    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake) Reply with quote

It was almost sunset when Kai was on his way him. He was excited about telling his mother the news. Finally they would be able to leave this hate filled city and start a new life somewhere else. He noticed that the sky was getting dark, like it was going to rain. He decided to take a shortcut through the alley to get home quicker.

While walking through the dark path between houses Kai suddenly felt cold. It was the middle of March, yet the air felt like January. Kai heard something, like a whisper in the chilling breeze.

“Kai…”

He looked over his shoulder. “Who’s there?” There was no answer, only the soft push of wind between the houses. A little frightened, he turned around to leave the alley quicker.

Kai gasped as he saw someone standing directly in front of him. The surprise took him off guard and caused him to fall on his butt. The man has long black hair with a tinge of red that closely resembles the colour of blood. Long sharp bones protrude from each of his fingertips, like claws. His canine teeth are long enough to show past his lips, and his eyes… dear god the eyes, they were the most frightening eyes Kai had ever seen in his life, things not even seen in nightmares. The whites of his eyes are pure black and his pupils are dark yellow. Just the sight of these eyes alone would cause a full-grown man to run in terror, yet Kai could not move. He was frozen in place by fear.

Despite the hair colour, teeth and eyes, the man looked just like Kai. He has the same face, the same hair length, the same body build and he is even wearing the same clothes. It was like Kai was looking into a mirror, and the reflection showed something that was both the same, and completely opposite of what Kai was.

“Who…” Kai tried to form a sentence, but the fear he felt was almost too great for him to move even his lips. “…Who are you?”

The man gave him a bone-chilling smile, showing him all of his razor-sharp teeth. The look in the man’s face was something one would see from a murderous psychopath.

“Mutt!”

The voice tore Kai from his fear struck state and caused him to look over his shoulder. Three men stood a few feet away. One of them held a shovel in his hands. When Kai looked back to the evil man he was gone, as if he had vanished into thin air.

Kai pulled himself up to his feet and faced the new men. “We’ve been lookin’ for ya.”

“Why are you looking for me?” Kai asked.

The men began to approach. The one with the shovel seemed to be the leader. “We’re tired of seein’ ya walk round our city. A demon child like you doesn’t belong here!”

Kai slowly backed away as the men got closer. “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. If it’ll make you feel better, I’m going home right now to talk to my mother about leaving this Kuri City.”

“Yer lies are worthless to us, demon. There’s only one way we can make sure ya won’t be walkin these streets anymore.” The other two men began to crack their knuckles. Knowing what they intended to do Kai ran as fast as he could down the alley to try and get away. The three men chased after him.

Kai went through the alley at a dead run, turning a corner here and there to try and lose his pursuers. Because of his demon lineage Kai can easily run twice as fast as any human being, but little good it did him when he ran into a dead end. The three men caught up in no time. They had him cornered with nowhere to run.

Kai kept his back against the wall. “Please, I don’t want to hurt you, but I will defend myself if I have to.”

One of the men ran up to him. “Shut up, Mutt!” He closed his fist to punch Kai in the face. Kai moved his head out of the way, causing the man to hit the stonewall. He grabbed the man’s arm and twisted it, not to break it but just to put pressure on it. The man yelped in pain. The other man came in to try and help his friend. Kai lightly tossed the first man into the other.

Something made of metal slapped him hard in the face. The man with the shovel had snuck up when Kai wasn’t looking. The impact caused Kai to momentarily lose his senses and fall to the ground.

The other two men grabbed each of Kai’s arms and pinned him against the wall. They each took turns punching him and hitting him with the shovel. For two straight minutes they beat Kai. They didn’t stop even when blood began to gush from his nose and mouth. Kai begged them to stop but the men didn’t listen.

Darkness began to take his vision as the world around him slowly disappeared. The last strike was made as the men released Kai’s arms. He fell to the ground and rolled on his back. The man with the shovel loomed over his body, readying himself for the killing blow.

Kai’s heart was cold. It was a coldness that couldn’t chill the body, but instead freezes the soul. The men’s mouths were moving, but no words came out. Time seemed to stop as the voice from before spoke to him once more.

“You are such a pathetic child. You have much power yet you’re afraid to use it on these weak humans. Maybe a half demon like you does deserve to die.”

“…Help…me…” Each word caused his throat to burn with pain.

“What was that?”

“Please… help me…”

“Why should I help you? What do I get in return?”

Kai coughed to clear his throat of blood. “What… what is it…you want?”

“…Power.”

“I will give you…power. Please… help me.” Kai pleaded.

“You must swear it!”

“…I…swear…” Evil laughter filled every corner of his mind once he spoke the words.

“I will hold you to your word.”

The man brought the shovel done on Kai’s head for the killing strike. It stopped before it hit its target. The man gasped in fear. “What the…?” Kai had grabbed the shovel before it hit his face.

Kai slowly sat up and got to his feet. His head hung loosely on his shoulders, making his hair hide his eyes. He kept a firm grip on the shovel as the man tried to jerk it away. Kai lifted his head. The man gasped when he met Kai’s eyes, outright terror showed in his own.

A dark power coursed through his veins. It was something he had never felt before, and it felt… good. His temperature rose with the desire of one thing, and one thing only.

“…Blood…”

Kai increased the pressure of his grip and easily crushed the shovel. Terrified, the man tried to punch him out of desperation. Kai grabbed the man’s fist and did the same thing he did with the shovel. He screamed as the bones in his hand were crushed to dust. With on strong movement Kai flung the man into a nearby wall. The man smashed into the wall with great force, turning it into rubble. Blood stained the edges of the rock where the wall caved in.

One of the men screamed in pure horror and tried to make a run for it. Kai grabbed the broken shovel and threw it at the man with all his might. The broken wooden edge of the shovel ripped through the man’s back and came out the other side, skewering him to death. He dropped to his knees and fell to the ground, motionless.

Kai turned to the last of his prey. He was cowering against the wall, tears of fear poured from his eyes like small waterfalls. As Kai approached he pleaded, “Please, have mercy!”

Kai grabbed him by the neck and lifted him several feet off the ground. “Sorry, all out of mercy.” Razor sharp claws shot out of the fingertips of his free hand. The claws broke the skin when they came out, causing his fingertips to bleed. He lifted his arm and pointed it to the man’s chest. The man let out one final plea for life before Kai drove his hand into his chest and pulled out his heart.

Kai released the man’s neck causing him to limply fall to the ground. He then dropped the heart and looked at the blood that stain his hand. He happily started licking it clean. The blood was delicious.

“Now you know what it’s like to be a true demon. A true monster.”

Kai’s senses began to come back to normal. It was now that he felt the aching pain in his body from the beating. He also noticed the sharp stinging in his fingertips where the claws had come out. He looked at his blood-drenched hand in horror.

And it began to rain…


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! CRITIC MY WORK, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, since you asked.

It's very good, I can find very little wrong with it, and the ending was fantastic! Although, you don't tell us what he's thinking and feeling after all that, is he feeling guilty? Pleased? Is he thinking of doing it again?

I have one question about it. Why did you use red?

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Written earlier, but oddly enough, much better than your chapter four. A much better fight scene, well done.

My only problem is the reference to March and January. For me, March is the middle of autumn, January the middle of summer. So if you're meaning that it's spring but feels like winter, then say it, rather than assuming that all your readers will be either American or in the northern hemisphere, otherwise your atmosphere is totally ruined.

If you want it to be cold, say it, don't name the month of a season, because the seasons don't stay the same all around the world, you understand?

That's about all I could pick on, nice character developement, ish, but still...it seems to be lackign something. Perhaps i'm just being pedantic.

Tata mwa!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:46 am    Post subject: Re: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake) Reply with quote

Dynamo wrote:
It was almost sunset when Kai was on his way him. He was excited about telling his mother the news. Finally they would be able to leave this hate filled city and start a new life somewhere else. He noticed that the sky was getting dark, like it was going to rain. He decided to take a shortcut through the alley to get home quicker.


You're missing a word in the first sentence -- it doesn't make sense. O_o

In the second and third sentences, you tell and don't show. I haven't read chapter one yet, so I'm not sure how much information you've given already, but I do know that I don't really care that they live in a hate-filled city. What would make the story more interesting is if you actually expanded on it. Once again, I have not read the first chapter, so I don't know, but why is it a hate-filled city? Give tangible details to show this and I, as a reader, will believe you more.

Basically? Make the first paragraph in the second chapter as yummy as the first paragraph of your first chapter, and it will be a wonderful lead. Smile

That's all I want to do a line-by-line. Let's get general! Very Happy

First of all, you really really really don't need to have the red text. If anything, just make it italics. There are a couple of reasons why I say this. First of all, your dialogue is EXCELLENT, and, even without any tags, it's evident who the speakers are. The accents are very well-done, the characters each have their own voice, and so on. The red text actually takes away from the dialogue because it slaps you that the speaker is different when, actually, I liked it better when the dialogue stood on its own without emphasis. Trust yourself more! Very Happy

I like the description of the evil man(?) and everything. Well... I think he's a man, though he seems to be a demon. He's very mysterious nevertheless, and that's good. To maybe improve the mystique of the whole thing, try describing other aspects of him other than the visual aspect. What does he smell like? I don't know. But more description would generally be better.

Also, you're going to need to emphasize the transition between when the evil demon leaves and the men come. I think making the disappearance more impressive would help with that.

Hope that helps!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 1:01 pm    Post subject: Yo, Reply with quote

I wrote this about a week ago, but couldn't post it... it kept saying there was something wrong with the PHP database or something o_o

Let me first say that I think your writing has improved a lot just between the first chapter you posted and this piece. Great job, and keep up the good work.

Paragraph four – I like the way you described the “push of the wind”. That’s nice. When you say “to leave the alley quicker,” though, that sounds awkward to me. Quicker than what? How about just “quickly”?

In the fifth paragraph, the word “butt” is rather informal, which wouldn’t be a problem save for the fact that it disturbs the flow of the prose. Butt is an inherently funny word and thus if I were you I would find a substitute more fitting for the mood of tension and danger that you’re trying to create.

Just after butt, you switch back into present tense. This is the pretty much the only place where you’ve done this, so again, it stands out. The sentence beginning with “his canine teeth” actually changes tenses – it starts out in present tense and then moves into the past with “were,” which is kind of a no-no in grammar. My advice would be to change “the man has” to “the man had” and “resembles” to “resembled”… et cetera.

Just after the man gives Kai his bone-chilling smile, we see:
“The look in the man’s face was something one would see from a murderous psychopath.”

To me, this is wordy. I think you could cut down the number of words here and be more concise with something like “his eyes held the glint of a murderous psychopath,” and so forth. Use description sparingly, phrases like “the kind of man that one would see on a street corner in a box” or “looked like a ferret might have if it had been swimming with some difficulty” are (exaggerated) examples of wordy descriptions that can usually be slimmed down to a couple of words. You’re an author, so you have the power to conjure up whatever images you like – if your character looks like a homeless man, say so. If he looks like a drowning ferret, say that too, and say it with authority.

Skip to “Kai went through the alley at a dead run” and look at the next sentence. Can you spot another tense shift there?

Skip the next paragraph and look at second sentence, starting with “The last strike was made”. You've used passive voice here, and I think it makes it unclear - but that's just a preference thing, I guess.

After the period of dialogue, you start off a paragraph with “a dark power coursed through his veins”. In the last paragraph, you used the pronouns “he” and “his” to refer to a different character, so you should probably say “a dark power coursed through Kai’s veins” to avoid any confusion. I got a little muddled up there.

That’s the verbose part finished... now for some general notes, whee.

I would like to see you make use of your buddies metaphor and simile more often. You don’t have to litter your work with “SHE SWOOPED DOWN ON THE CARROT WITH THE FORCE OF A VULTURE HUNTING ITS PREY” every other sentence, but using little literary devices like these to your advantage can make a big difference. It’s like adding icing to a cake. Chocolately icing. Mmm.

My second suggestion is, again, a human spell-checker – or two or three, just to decrease your margin of error. The first line – I bet you meant that he was “on his way home”, not “on his way him”. This is another one of those typos that a spell checker won’t catch, since him is a real word. Get a beta-reading buddy if you don’t already have one. However, I suspect that maybe some closer editing has been going on, since there are fewer typos in this chapter than in the last one. Good job, man.

I’m also glad to see that you’ve strayed away from your influences a little more. When I was 12 or 13 I used to watch a couple of anime shows on Cartoon Network pretty religiously (Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star, Candidate for Goddess… the whole lot) and I remember one called Inuyasha. I didn’t watch it so I don’t really know what it’s like, but I was getting a little scared because your main character seemed to bear a lot of resemblance to the title character of this particular show. Although your story has a definite “anime” feel, I don’t see him collecting shiny little shards of destiny or whatever they did on that series, which is a relief. The main point - don’t get too engrossed in trying to make your story similar to your favourite shows or games or books. I remember feeling very awkward as I read a story once where all of the characters were named things from Final Fantasy X with one vowel or consonant changed – i.e. Rikka, Luna, Tilus, et cetera. It’s okay to garner inspiration from existing works, but don’t take it too far.

…and you’ve already got chapters three and four up! Man, you’re prolific. I’ll try and read through them when I can. Until then, have fun, and keep writing! I'll try and see if I can read some of that other fiction that you mentioned (I don't want to read the FF8 one yet because I'm still playing it I want to avoid spoilers, heh).
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It was almost sunset when Kai was on his way him.


Shouldn't that be "home" instead of "him?"

Quote:
Kai gasped as he saw someone standing directly in front of him. The surprise took him off guard and caused him to fall on his butt. The man has long black hair with a tinge of red that closely resembles the colour of blood.


Again, parallelism.

Quote:
With on strong movement Kai flung the man into a nearby wall.


Shouldn't that be "one?"

Quote:
“Sorry, all out of mercy.”


It's probably better to use italics instead of bold font or red.

Other than that, very nice! Love the story! Just, give us a little bit more into Kai's feelings. How does he feel after he regains his senses? So on and so forth.

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