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Food for Thought
Food for Thought

by Prokaryote in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on June 28, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:44 pm    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake) Reply with quote

Chapter Four: The Dragon Who Speaks

It was nightfall when a dragon was flying over the forest. It was small compared to an adult dragon. From its nose to its tail it’s as long as a horse, and from feet to head it stands about half the height of an adult human. Its golden scales glistened in the pale moonlight, almost changing it to a light shade of silver. Stretched out its wings were longer than its body.

The small dragon seemed to sniff the air curiously, as if it was trying to find something. It thought to itself, Curse it all, I’ve lost his scent. If I don’t find him soon, bad things are bound to happen.

Something in the air peeked its interest. What is that? It smells like… blood. It flew closer to the forest below and followed the scent. It led him to a small group of humans. The dragon quietly landed in a nearby tree and watched them. There were four humans all together. Three of them wore armour; they must have been soldiers of some kind. One of the armoured men walked beside the group with a crossbow in his hand, the other two carried the fourth human on a wooden fixture that was used to move the injured.

The injured human suffered terrible wounds. Many crossbow bolt riddled his body and he was covered in fresh blood, most likely his own. What caught the dragon’s attention to this human were the two wolf ears on his head and his tail. This wasn’t just any human; he was a half-breed.

There was something about this creature that made him seem different from all the other half-demons the dragon had seen over the years. When the dragon looked closer it could depict small traces on energy surrounding the half-breed’s body, an aura. To be more specific, it was the aura of a Dragon Knight.

This half-breed is indeed a Dragon Knight. I must follow these men to see what they intend to do with him. The dragon quietly jumped to the ground below and followed the men. It used the foliage around it to mask its presence. As he followed he noticed something else about the half-breed, something that reminded it of a person it once knew and a promise it had made.

One of the soldiers stopped and began to complain. “We’ve been walking for three hours. I need to rest!”

The soldier with the crossbow told him. “We can’t stop. This forest is sparsely populated by demons. If we run into any of them they’ll kill us and eat our flesh.”

The other soldier said, “Then why don’t we just leave the impure one here? The demons will find him and take care of the body for us.”

“The king gave us specific orders to throw the body into the ocean, where it will be lost to the sea forever. Now pick up the pace, I don’t want to be in this place any more than you do.”

The bushes began to rustle. The soldiers instinctively readied themselves for battle. A towering pig-like creature coming out of the bushes. It was wearing ill crafted black armour that clashed with its green skin. It carried a giant, double bladed axe with both its hands. The blades of the axe were slightly reddened from the blood of those it killed. Two more demons emerged from the forest along with this one.

“Hold your ground, men!” The soldier with the crossbow shot the first demon in the shoulder. The demon squealed angrily as it pulled the bolt out of its body. It charged up to the soldier and struck him down with his axe. The other two soldiers fell just as easily.

One of the demons spoke. “It been so long since we taste fresh blood.”

Another demon pointed to the injured half-demon. “Look, another human.”

They approached the body with hungry eyes. The demon started sniffing. “Do you smell that? This one half-breed.”

“He dead like others. Lets eat him too.”

The dragon came out of the bushes and roared. It wasn’t enough to scare away the demons, but it did unnerve them. The dragon did not have the ability to speak the same tongue as these demons. Instead it used its powers to speak into their minds. “You will not harm the half-breed.”

One of the demons pointed at the dragon. “Why does puny dragon care? We found these humans and we are going to eat them. Puny dragon can find his own food!”

The dragon’s voice became angry. “Do not mistake my intention! My needs for this half-breed are much greater than yours!”

“We don’t care what puny dragon wants! We find him first, puny dragon can find other half-breed!”

The dragon’s eyes began to glow with a golden light. “If you do not leave I will have to kill you all.”

“Puny dragon not scare us!” The pig demon charged the dragon with its axe.

Before the demon got close enough to attack the Dragon’s body was engulfed in a golden light. The light stopped the demon in its tracks. The light disappeared in a burst of yellow flames as the dragon revealed its new form. It was no longer a small dragon. It was now the size of a full adult dragon. It’s fangs and talons were longer, sharper, and more curved than before. Small spines grew out of its strong tail. Its legs were strong and well formed with muscle. When it breathed, scalding hot air flared from its nostrils. Its eyes let off a warm heavenly light.

The dragon looked as though it was going to breath fire when it opened its mouth, but that wasn’t what came out instead. A blinding beam of light and energy shot out of the dragon’s mouth like a cannon. It blew a big clean hole through the demon’s chest. The demon fell over, dead. The other demons cried and ran into the forest as fast as they could. Their squeals echoed in the emptiness of the night.

The dragon approached the half-breed. It laid its head on the boy’s chest to listen for his heart. The pulse was there, but just barely. The dragon carefully removed all the bolts from the boy’s body with its teeth. When it was done it stood over the boy’s body. A rejuvenating golden light poured out of the dragon’s eyes and showered the half-breed’s body with its glow. The boy’s wounds closed and the blood on his body disappeared.

The dragon stopped and took a step back. The half-breed groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked at his surroundings and said, “Where am I?”

“You are in the forest east of Kuri City.”

The boy looked at the dragon. At first he was shocked because he thought the dragon would try to kill him, but he calmed down when it made no attempt to move. A little afraid, he asked, “Did… Did you just speak?”

“Yes, I did.” As the dragon spoke its mouth moved differently from the words it was saying. As it spoke its words felt like an echo in the back of the boy’s head. “How are you feeling?”

The boy looked at his chest. Surprise lit up in his face when he found there were no wounds. “OK, I guess.” He looked around at the forest. “How did I get here?”

The dragon motioned its head toward the dead soldiers. “These men were carrying you when they were attacked by demons. You would have been next had I not intervened.”

The boy looked at the dragon, astonishment filled his eyes. “You… saved me?” The dragon nodded. “Why? What reason do you have to save me?”

“It has been over one thousand years since I have come across someone like you, a Dragon Knight.”

The boy eyed the dragon suspiciously. “You’re not just any dragon, are you?”

“What makes you think that?” the dragon asked. The sparkle of interest gleamed in its eyes.

“My wings are hidden under my skin. If you are a normal dragon you cloud not have known. You would have to have some special power to see the truth.”

The dragon gave him a toothy grin. “You are very wise for one so young. My name is Draco. Many people refer to me as the Gate Keeper of Heaven.”

“The Gate Keeper of Heaven?” The boy’s jaw dropped. “You’re… You’re the Earth Dragon of Light!”

“Now that you know who I am I must ask, who are you?”

The boy was nervous about speaking to a being of such great power. He chose his words carefully. “My name is Kai Okami, from Kuri City.”

“And why would a Dragon Knight be carried half dead out of a city that worships such beings?” The dragon asked.

Kai remembered what had happened, the black haired man, the voices, the villagers he had killed, his mother…

Tears gathered in his eyes. He tried to hold them back but they came anyway. He covered his face to keep the dragon from looking at him in his sorry state.

“Please, tell me your tale of woe.” The dragon said, thoughtfully.

Kai told him everything, the man, the voice, his mother, everything. When he was done he just wanted to curl up in a ball of his own self-pity and die. “My life has been taken away from me. My mother is dead and the only person I ever considered a friend is out of my reach. I don’t know what to do.”

Draco had listened intently to every word he said. “If you cannot live the life you once knew then perhaps you should move on and find a new one.”

“I can’t go on, not after what I’ve seen, not after the things I’ve done. What point is there for me to go on?”

“It is what your father would want.”

Kai stopped sobbing and stared at the dragon. “…What did you say?”

“I knew your father, we had been comrades before he died. When your father came to this land from Japan he was followed by members of his clan. Your father was a very important individual in the Gensei-no Kiba clan, they followed him to Horagothien to kill him.”

“Why?”

“They thought he had betrayed them. They thought he was going to a rivalling clan to give away their secrets. The day he arrived in this land he came to seek me out. After all the stories he heard about my brethren and I he hoped I would help him. When he came to me he asked for nothing more than my aide to help him hide from his kin. For decades we hid, we traveled to many corners of Horagothien together. But one day he met a human woman and fell in love. Before we went our separate ways he asked me for something.”

“And what was that?” Kai asked.

“If something were to happen to him he wanted me to look out for his child and keep him or her safe. When I saw you I noticed the likeness over your father. When you told me your name it confirmed my suspicions that you are indeed Hikatsumi’s son.” The dragon’s body lit up with a blinding light that slowly disappeared to reveal its smaller body. “But we have spent too much time here as it is. The demons I scared away will no doubt return, and in greater numbers. If you wish to fulfill your destiny not only as Hikatsumi’s son, but also as a Dragon Knight, follow me.” The dragon stood up and began to walk into the forest.

Kai followed him. He asked, “Where are we going?”

The dragon looked over its shoulder and asked, “Tell me, what do you know of the Tenjin?”


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh, okay. First off, the level of ...shall we say events that occured in this -one- chapter should rightly be spread across about three, at least. In my opinion, the first chapter should be mainly character developement, introducing them and the like, a bit of their personality.

Also, give your dragon a gender, please. Makes things much easier to read and it sounds less...halting, and awkward if you go He thought to himself; rather than 'it thought to itself'.

Again, your description was so so, I mean, your main character (?) the half-breed was injured with crossbow bolts, fair enough, then later on, when the dragon is pulling them out, the lad doesn't react AT ALL. Even unconsious the body would groan and protest.

Your fight scene, such as it was, was far too short. There was next to no building of tension, and then bam, fight and then it's over. Oh wow. Yeah...that did alot. Flesh it out, if you want a fight scene, give the readers blow-by-blow accounts, almost. There are alot of demons around yes? So rather than having one attack and the dragon gaining size and then blasting him, make three or four attack, throw off the swelling slightly, some 'hand to hand' fighting before the finale as such.

I would put a new chapter in around here by the way, as the two characters are meeting each other, gaining knowledge of each other and whatnot. Expand the conversation, add in the little details of what they could be doing. While talking, is the dragon sitting, standing, what? Is it looking down on the lad, is the lad still bleeding, sore, or is he hale and hearty? if he is, hale and hearty that is, why isn't he confused about it? Why doesn't he wonder where the wounds went, nor act even a -little- bit suspicious of the dragon? He's slightly wary for what, the first two minutes of interaction but after that he's trusting the scaled implicitly almost.

Also, give the reader a teensy bit of background to the mythology and the like of the little world you've created. Are dragons common things, pests, pets, what? Are they regarded as noble creatures to be valued or are they just dumb beasts? How did the demons get into it, clarify what you actually -mean- by them, to me the half-breed just seems to be a cross between a human and a wolf, but that's just my perception, but you see the reason why you need more details?

That's essentially the summary of my opinion, it's got great potential, but at the moment it's just the bare bones of a story. You could quite easily spread that one chapter over three if you so desired, and it's highly recommended. Details people! Not LOTR detail, that's a bit overboard for my taste, but certainly more than what you've got. You understand?

I haven't read any of the other chapters by the way, so you've possibly already given a background, so apologies if that is so, but essentially the majority of my critique is still valid. (Sorry if I mention in there somewhere that it's the first chapter, couldn't find it again when I edited and completely missed the 'chapter four' part of the title >_> my bad)

Fix it up, and it could be very good.

Tata mwa!

SS

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool, there's Dragons now Very Happy. I'm looking forward to finding out what the Tenjin is.

~ Shadowsun Very Happy

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