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Second Life
Second Life

by Maybe in Storybook Discussion
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This thread was created on June 28, 2007
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Watcher (11)

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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:21 pm    Post subject: Watcher (11) Reply with quote

Elvina walked back to the room that Susan and Lucy had changed in. She knocked on the door.

“Are you ready, your majesties?” she asked through the door. The door opened and Lucy appeared in a sliver dress.

“Is Susan ready?” Elvina asked. Lucy let her in the room. Susan was looking at herself in a mirror, when she heard Elvina coming in and turned around. She wore a blue dress, which brought out the color of her eyes.

“You, ladies, look beautiful,” Elvina said. “Now I’ll add the cloaks that go along with your dresses.” Elvina went to the closet and picked out a blue cloak, then put it around Susan’s shoulders.

“There,” Elvina said as she pulled away to examine her work. She felt a tug on her dress and looked down. There was Lucy, with her bottom lip sticking out.

“Don’t I get one, too?” she asked. Elvina chuckled at the little girl.

“Of course. I have one for you too, Lucy,” Elvina said. Elvina got another cloak from the closet and then put it around Lucy’s shoulders. “There. You both look even more beautiful.”

“Come, it’s time for your coronation,” she said. They left the room. She led them to the end of the great hall where Peter and Edmund stood with Aslan.

“Very good, Elvina. Now take your place.” Aslan said.

“Yes, milord,” she said as she walked away. She found Tumnus.

“There you are,” he said.“I’m about to lose it.”

“Relax, take a deep breath, and let it out,” she said. Tumnus did what she told himand it helped out somewhat. Then the ceremony began, and he began to grow anxious again. Elvina sighed. Mrs. and Mr. Beaver came up with the crowns.

“What’s his deal?” Mr. Beaver asked as he stared at Tumnus with a weird expression on his furry face.

“Never mind Tumnus, get ready,” she said. Tumnus stood beside her, Mrs. Beaver stood next to Tumnus, and Mr. Beaver stood next to Elvina. They walked down the great throne room and when they approach the dais, they separate. Mr. Beaver went with Elvina to Edmund’s side, and Mrs. Beaver went with Tumnus to Lucy’s side.

“To the glistening Eastern Sea, I give you Queen Lucy the Valiant,” Aslan said as Tumnus crowneded Lucy. Lucy looked at Tumnus with glee in her eyes. Tumnus walked back over to his place beside Mrs. Beaver.

“ To great Western Wood, I give you King Edmund, the Just,” Aslan said as Elvina crowned Edmund. He smiled at her and she smiled back. She walked back over to Mr. Beaver.

“To the radiant Southern Sun, I give you Queen Susan the Gentle,” Aslan said as Tumnus crowned Susan with a gold, vine-like crowned.

“And to the clear Northern Sky, I give you King Peter, the Magnificent,” Aslan said as Elvina crowned Peter. Elvina walked back over to Mr. Beaver. Peter looked at her with a gleaming smile in his blue eyes. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy sat in their thrones. Aslan turned to them.

“Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia. May your wisdom and grace rule us for eternity,” Aslan said.

“Long live King Peter!” the crowd started to shout. “Long live Queen Susan. Long live King Edmund, long live Queen Lucy!”

“Let the celebration begin,” Aslan announced. The crowd began to mingle with each other. Aslan walked over to Elvina. “Lady watcher, will you do me to honor of walking with me?” he asked.

“I would be honored, milord,” she said. They went down to the beach.

“You and Peter are growing closer every day. You do realize that you can’t fully be with him until you denounce your title. If you and Peter decide to marry, you will become a warrior queen, but you will be unable to continue your watching over this land,” Aslan stated as they walked along.

“If you will let me, milord, I wish to serve three more years before I become anything of King Peter’s,” she said as she walked beside him. “ I’ll be leaving after the coronation ball in a week. I heard that they planned to invite Archlenand’s King to this ball.”

“Very well,” Aslan said. “ You may stop. I’m leaving this world until I am needed again. Take good care of this nation and its monarchs.”

“I will, milord,” Elvina said as she stood there, watching Aslan walking until he disappeared from her sight.


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TL G-Wooster   View This User's Portfolio
put the lime in the coconut
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yuh, good again, hardly any errors. Very Happy

NM wrote:
She knocked on the door.

“Are you ready, your majesties?” she asked through the door. The door opened and Lucy appeared in a sliver dress.


Try not to repeat "door" so often.

Sliver = silver


NM wrote:
Elvina chuckled at the little girl.

“Of course. I have one for you too, Lucy,” Elvina said. Elvina got another cloak from the closet and then put it around Lucy’s shoulders.


Find different ways to start sentances, instead of "Elvina did this" and "Elvina said that"


NM wrote:
Tumnus did what she told himand it helped out somewhat.


Space between "him" and "and".


NM wrote:
“To the glistening Eastern Sea, I give you Queen Lucy the Valiant,” Aslan said as Tumnus crowneded Lucy.


Crowneded = crowned


NM wrote:
They walked down the great throne room and when they approach the dais, they separate.


Seperate = seperated


NM wrote:
“To the radiant Southern Sun, I give you Queen Susan the Gentle,” Aslan said as Tumnus crowned Susan with a gold, vine-like crowned.


Crowned = crown


NM wrote:
Aslan walked over to Elvina. “Lady watcher, will you do me to honor of walking with me?” he asked.


To = the


Most of these are simply technical mistakes which you can avoid by a careful proof-read. Mae carnen. Smile

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