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sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
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 Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:35 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 4 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:40 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Kitty15
Queen of The Venus fly Trap
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 6:36 am Post subject: |
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I don't think the rating is required and here's the specific points -
around his ankles before leaking it's way slowly until it was in a smoky puddle directly in front of Dominic. [It should be its' or its way because it's is used in place of it is and the other two are used interchangeably for possession.]
The strange being called Whiperba shrugged slightly, then stretched out a long, gloved hand.
Dominic quickly yanked his sword out of the ground and wiped it and the dagger on the grass. [You've used sword in the sentence before this so perhaps weapon now instead?]
The cleaning was merely out of habit, for there were no remnants of blood on the blades.
A small, green raft lay in the river, tied to a small stump.
Looking around, he saw that he was under the large curtain of a lush, green weeping willow tree that stood near the water.
The water on which his raft floated had dwindled from a river to a small, gentle stream. [Perhaps - 'The river had dwindled to a small, gentle stream.' - to avoid the repetition of water.]
Are they mutilated humans? [Mutated might sound better.]
There was a long silence and in it, the leaves of the weeping willow rustled loudly, as if Whiperba was thinking.
but the Winged Mercenaries are the only known group of them yet to exist. [This suggests there have never been any others. Use left in existance rather than yet to exist maybe?]
its' branches swayed slightly in return, then the forest spirit's presence was gone.
The beautiful, green grass surrounded a large pool of glistening, pristine water.
A loud voice sounded through the air, coming from the sky.
The net slowly parted in Erik's vision, and they all watched as through it appeared a tall, broad-shouldered man with black hair black eyes. [Either black hair and black eyes or black hair, black eyes.]
he paused and chuckle dryly. He paused to chuckle dryly or he paused and chuckled dryly.]
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In general, it was well written and the action was really good but green is used too much. Try emerald or jade or lime. Something different every now and then. But yeah, other than that, I enjoyed it and Brad is still my favourite character. |
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Shadowsun
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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Whens the next bit? I really want to know what happens next! Please! Tell me!
Anyways. I can't find anything wrong with it.
~ Shadowsun  |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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Two thumbs up on this one! Very good. I'm liking Dominic more and more, I like how you are developing his character. Also Whiperba has got to be one of the coolest characters that i have seen in almost any story. Top notch!
-The Green one (no not Whiperba)
P.S.: sorry I didn't get to this sooner but I was away. |
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TL G-Wooster
put the lime in the coconut
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Ew, nasty green misty thing!! Very good, and Kitty once again has dun her dooty and there's nothin for me to pick out.  |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:52 am Post subject: |
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| Kitty seems to be very good at editing things! well, once again, it was a great success of a short story, are you going to make it all into a big book when your done? |
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Lynlyn
the ocean is full of water
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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A surprise for me - I had imagined in the last chapter that Whisperba was a woman, not sure why.
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"Yes. It's a bright net stretched over us, holding us captive. Don't try to break it, you'll only get hurt. It's one of the best spells I've ever seen. Oh, and someone is coming."
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This is another one of those places where you really have to consider what someone is going to say when they've only got a few seconds to speak. Most likely, he's going to drop most adverbs and adjectives and just get straight to the point. I also think it's much more likely that he would drop the "Oh, and" and just say "Someone's coming." or something like that.
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"Hello, my friends. I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. I've spent so long looking for you, and you don't know how nice it is to have your wishes gratified." |
The second part, "and you don't know... your wishes" etc, sounds awkward because of the pronouns. I think it would sound more natural if he said "you don't know how nice it is to have my wishes granted".
Kitty pointed out most of the other little things I noticed; this is another great chapter. Nice to see a little more background about the mercenaries and where they came from. I'm impressed by how prolific you are! So many more to read - I suppose I'll catch up eventually. |
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