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...Mum, I'm gay.
...Mum, I'm gay.

by kris in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 24, 2007
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O Captain
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 10:49 pm    Post subject: O Captain Reply with quote

The ship sat still in the water, undisturbed by the ripples cast by the patrol floats that had come out to investigate. It seemed the world held its breath as they probed it, searching for signs of neutrality -- or otherwise. Finally, they gave their report to the town: the ship seemed to be uninhabited.

Mecheslav sat on the docks, though you wouldn’t notice if you were passing by on the way to the ship, as many did that day. You wouldn’t notice because he was huddled under layers of dirty canvas, serving as blankets, and he was keeping as still as possible. His reasoning was that by becoming invisible to the world, perhaps he would become invisible to his troubles as well. Now, he knew as well as you that his theory was an impossibility, but it gave him a goal to get through the day.

He watched the people, though they didn’t see him, and wondered where their lives went. What made a difference, at the end of the day? Was their hard-earned money making a dent in the suffering of the world? Did their families sleep at night, feeling safe and loved? He somehow doubted it.

After all, the world little loved him. Him and his kind. Oh, they had loved him once, to be sure. They had begged for his services, and he had complied, knowing his duty. It was not always pleasant, but he did it for love of his country and his people. Then they had discarded him, and he was no more than fish waste on the docks, something to ignore and hope the gulls would clean up.

Mecheslav shifted against the ocean wind. It didn’t used to bother him so, but his skin was stretching and thinning with old age, and he no longer remembered what it was to skim over the swells.

All those deemed unnecessary after the war were Rerouted, sent to learn a more profitable craft. Those who refused were taken away and never spoken of again. Everyone knew what happened to them, but it was just another fact of life to be left on the docks. The nation acquired a sense of mass paranoia, deeming those who misunderstood the definition of ‘patriotism’ to be terrorists and threats to society. Mecheslav had belonged to a group of rebels, defending their place in the world and refusing to conform. They had been dispersed and hunted down. He didn’t know if any others had survived.

Mecheslav looked up as families passed him, laughing and pointing at the ship, wondering with large eyes how such an artifact had come to them. They admired its masts and majesty, trying to imagine life aboard its decks. His heart ached for them. A doll fell from a girl’s grasp, left behind and forgotten as her mother continued to drag her toward the sight. He thought of picking it up and returning it to her, but knew that would do no good. She would get a new one soon, a better one, more beloved. He thought he saw something familiar in the doll’s frozen eyes.

Black boots interrupted Mecheslav’s studying gaze, which fell on a scuff that had not yet been shined out. His eyes traveled up the crisply uniformed body to a face barely covered by the brim of his cap. The figure squinted against the sun, no love of this place echoing in his eyes. He looked directly at the outcast, then down at a scrap of paper held in his hands.

“Captain Mecheslav?” he rasped against the wind, looking again at the bundle on the docks. It was more of a confirmation than a question. Other Defenders of Justice joined his side. “You have refused your duties and encouraged others to do the same. You have thereby committed treason against this country, and your soul shall be taken as punishment.”

Two Defenders grabbed Mecheslav on either side, lifting him roughly out of his canvas cocoon. He did not struggle, but desperately looked over his shoulder at the ship as they dragged him off.

“Goodbye, old friend,” he whispered, then turned to face his fate.

---

Author's Note: The title is an allusion to Walt Whitman's poem "O Captain! My Captain!" on the subject of Abraham Lincoln's assassination. Just a bit of trivia for you. Smile


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I read this, my first question was going to be if it was based on the poem Oh, Captain, My Captain, and if you knew what it was written about. But you answered the question for me. Smile

It was excellent!! I really enjoyed it. I only saw a couple of things:

Quote:
The nation acquired a sense of mass paranoia, deeming those who misunderstood the definition of ‘patriotism’ to be terrorists and threats to society.


I'm not sure when the term "terrorist" was coined, but it sent me for a loop. Maybe it's just me, but I just thought of modern day terrorists, and the war and everything, and until that point, I thought it was set in the 1700's, the "pirating" age. Perhaps it was just me, and other people may not react that way, it was just my initial impression. Wink

Quote:
A doll fell from a girl’s grasp, left behind and forgotten as her mother continued to drag her toward the sight.


I don't understand "the sight." What sight? Is that a name for something? I would just change that, or explain it.

It was really good, and I enjoyed it!! Keep writing!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He watched the people, though they didn’t see him, and wondered where their lives went.
You don't need to repeat that he can't see them. You're probably saying so to remind the reader, and thinking, "Well, how can he see them, if they can't see him?" So you compensate by reminding the reader that they can't see him. Right...? Well, you really don't need to ^_^ Trust the reader!

Quote:
Mecheslav looked up as families passed him, laughing and pointing at the ship, wondering with large eyes how such an artifact had come to them.
I think you should mention this detail earlier on, because it really fits in with the world's view of Mecheslav, and it is a beautiful line, but it would so much better nearer to the beginning, it helps make you wonder about what Mecheslav is doing, but I think it would work better if done before the explanation.

I'm glad you put that trivia in there! Every time I looked at this I wanted to say, "Oh captain, my captain." and I had NO clue where it was from, and was too lazy at the time to google it.

I enjoyed the heck out of this ^_^ Mecheslav is a lovely character. But I want...more out of it? Yes. I don't know how you would write it though. Because most of it isn't action, up until the end, it feels kind of "weak" although, not weak, because it is an awesome story. I'm just not fond of how the mass of it is background story/introspection/observation. I'm sure you could even clean this up just by...actually, no, I have no clue xD and even if not changed, it's still lovely. This is more of a preference of mine, honestly. Because the story is really good ^_^

Makes me want to read a whole novel about this place... How do they take the souls? Why do they do that? How did they get the power to? What was the war? Makes me sad =[ I want more! hee hee.

Lovely dear! Keep it up.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AHH! YOU WROTE! And not only did you write, but you wrote in a style that I love, love being used to mean, "OMG! SO COMPLETELY AWESOME!"

I love the sarcastic dry tone, the one with the narrator popping in and giving off sly commentary. It's really a lovely voice and I want to huggle it. Did I mention that I love it?

Oh yes. I did.

Anyway, before this critique becomes submerged in capslock, I get to be nitpicky! You know I love it... or at least I hope you do, seeing as I used the word "love" six times as this sentence is being written. However, as Claudette has mentioned, it's too short! I mean, it's so pretty and wonderful and everything and then it ends with him getting picked up? I want to see Mecheslav more! And I want to see him in action (no, not that of action) where he's doing more. It's seems that him getting picked up is a cliched ending. Spice it up with something new!

One part I especially loved (okay, maybe that word is a bit overused in this critique...) was the description of the doll. Especially this line:

He thought he saw something familiar in the doll’s frozen eyes.

After that, you have the jarring end come up to it, almost a nonsequitar, but what if he picked up the doll and analyzed it? What if the girl broke free from her mommy and shrieked, hitting the man with a stone to get back her dolly? So instead of having the authorities sent against him, symbolizing the abuse of power, the symbolism would switch to having all of society (including the future!) turn against the past. So it would become a more powerful statement?

Um... yeah.

Or maybe not. Who knows? I'm sick and perhaps don't make sense, but whatever. I liked (LOVED!) it anyway.

Hope that helps! Very Happy

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