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by drama queen in Dramatic Poetry
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This thread was created on June 12, 2007
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)

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Dynamo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 3:52 pm    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake) Reply with quote

1548 AD

Chapter One: Early Childhood

“Wake up Honey, breakfast is ready.”

Kai slowly got out of bed. He adjusted his eyes to the bright glare of the sun. The cool morning air was refreshing against his bare chest. He brushed his long silver hair out of his face and put on his favourite red shirt. He bought it from the market a few weeks ago. It’s supposed to be made out of real demon hide. All the way in his room he could smell his mother cooking three slices of bacon, four eggs and a piece of steak, Kai’s favourite. He shouts back to his mother, “OK, I’ll be right down.”

Kai Okami is 15-years-old. He lives alone with his mother in the slums of Kuri City, the third biggest city in Horagothien, a continent in the centre of the Pacific Ocean. Kuri City is a large city that is ruled over by King Remoss. It is a city that heavily believes in the Dragon Knight Legacy. Everyone who lives here believes that one day the Legendary Dragon Knight will appear to grace their city and protect the world from harm.

Kai’s mother, Riana, fell in love with a wolf demon 16 years ago. His name was Hikatsumi Okami, of the Ginsei-no Kiba clan in Japan, a continent to the west of Horagothien. Kai’s mother told him stories about his dead father, like how he sacrificed his own life to protect the two of them. She told him that his father had left Japan one century ago to have a peaceful life away from the wars between his clan and the rivalling Chi-no Kegawa clan. 84 years later he met Kai’s mother and fell in love.

Because Hikatsumi was a wolf demon and Riana is a human that means Kai is part demon, a half-breed. Despite the name, demons are not considered creatures from Hell. It is simply a name given to a creature that is not considered and animal or a human, but something of both natures that possess supernatural powers and strengths, and when a demon mates with a human they give birth to a half-breed. Half-breeds are creatures that possess traits both demon and human. Kai has the body of a human, but he has extra sensitive hearing, strong sense of smell, and the strength for five men. He also has physical demon traits, like silver hair and eyes, fuzzy wolf ears, and a furry tail.

Kai has a secret that only he and his mother knows. His mother made him swear never to tell anyone about this secret. They both believe that Kai is a Dragon Knight. One day, about three years ago Kai and his mother were out in the forest looking for vegetables because they didn’t have enough money to buy them from the market. They were on their way home following a cliff-side path when Kai slipped and fell. About half way down four silver wings shot out of his back and slowed his decent, but not by much. The impact broke a leg and arm. His back was covered in blood from where the wings had come out. He was lucky to even be alive. Now Kai can make wings come out of his back whenever he wants to, but when they do they break the skin and cause bleeding.

The reason why they keep it a secret is because the king would issue a death warrant for Kai if word ever got out. Everyone in the city hates demons; they believe them to be abominations against nature. A Dragon Knight with demon blood would be considered blasphemy. If the authorities ever found out they would kill Kai for being an impure Dragon Knight, and they would kill his mother for harbouring him.

Kai walked into the kitchen and saw his mother putting food on the table. Kai guessed right when he was in his room, three slices of bacon, four eggs and a piece of steak left over from last night.

“Morning, Mother.”

Kai’s mother gave him a bright smile. “Good morning, Kai.” Riana is 42-years-old, but she only looks to be in her thirties. She is a beautiful woman with long brown hair and a slender body. Many men in the city have tried to get together with her, but Kai always looks out for his mother. He would never let the wrong man anywhere near her. “I made your favourite this morning.”

“Thanks Mom.” Kai took a seat at the table and started eating. His house is an old, small building in the slums. When they first came here it was all they could afford. Kai got a job cleaning and mending weapons for the city guard and his mother works at a local flower shop.

Once Kai was finished eating he got up and told his mother, “I’m going to be late coming home tonight. I promised Karen I would take her to the market after work.”

“Alright, just be careful out there.” She said.

Kai grabbed his bag of tools that he kept by the door. “I will.”

Before he left his mother called out to him. “Wait!” She handed him a pair of shoes. “How many times do I have to tell you to wear these?”

Kai looks down at his bear feet and sighs. “But Mom, I hate shoes! I like walking in my bear feet!” Because Kai is half wolf demon he hates wearing shoes. He likes the feel of bare earth touching his feet. Wearing shoes makes him feel constricted.

“Kai, I will not have my son walking outside in his bare feet. Now wear your shoes like a civilized person.”

“Fine…” Kai grabbed the shoes and put them on. He waved to his mother one more time before heading down the street.

It took Kai fifteen minutes to walk over to the guardhouse. It is situated beside the city’s palace, in the centre of the city far away from the slums. The palace itself stands like a mountain in the middle of the city. Its walls are painted gold with red patterns around every corner. Large stonewalls surround the palace keeping the public from getting in.

Something felt out of place today around the palace. Kai couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, and his senses in these matters are rarely wrong.

Kai came up to a barred gate. He addressed one of the guards on the other side. “Hey, I’m here for work today.”

The guard is clad in traditional steel-plate armour. This particular guard didn’t wear a helmet. He looked over Kai from the other side of the gate and shouted to one of the guards in charge of manning the gate, “The mutt’s here to clean the weapons!” The gates opened and Kai walked in. The guard handed him his sword. “You can start with my sword, half-breed.”

Kai glared at him before swiping the sword from his hand. He found a spot in the courtyard, spread out his tools and started cleaning swords. The guards were always prejudice towards Kai. In fact, everyone who sees him insults him for being a half demon when they get the chance. There was nothing he could do about it, though. If he retaliated he would be sent to jail, or even executed. So he did his best to ignore them.

As he worked he had a strange feeling that somebody was watching him from one of the palace windows, but every time he looked nobody was there.

Kai finished his day’s work in the afternoon. After receiving his pay he made his way toward the rich part of town where his friend lives. Karen, his best and only friend, is a 14-year-old girl he met seven years ago when him and his mother moved into their house. They met when Kai was going to the market to buy some things for his mother. He saw a group of girls picking on someone. He told them to stop, but once the girls saw his appearance they screamed “Demon!” and ran away. Kai was extremely hurt by that, but then he saw the girl they were picking on he noticed there wasn’t a hint of fear in her eyes. That’s when they became friends. They’ve never been apart ever since.

Kai approached one of the houses and knocked on the door. A large man answered. His name is Mark Arisia and he is Karen’s father.

Kai narrowed his eyes. “Hello, Mr. Arisia. Is Karen home?” he asked in a sour voice. Kai and Mark were never on good terms. Mark only sees Kai for what he is, a monster. Karen on the other hand sees Kai for who he is, which is why they’ve been good friends for such a long time.

“Get out of here, half-breed. I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter!” He slammed the door in Kai’s face.

Kai sighs and slowly counts, “Three… Two… One…” As if on cue a young girl is heard on the other side of the door yelling at her father. If there was one thing that separated Karen from all the other girls in town it was her attitude.

The young 14-year-old girl comes out of the house, her father still yelling from inside. Karen has green eyes and long, brown hair like Kai’s mother. Her body is well developed for her age. She is wearing brown leather pants, a blue shirt and a furry vest. Karen hates wearing dresses, which is one of the reason why she doesn’t fit in with all the other girls in town.

“Sorry about that.” She apologized.

“I’m starting to get the impression that your father doesn’t like me very much.” Kai said jokingly.

“Gee, what tipped you off, the fact that he’s been doing that for the last five years?” Karen sighed, “Whatever, let’s just go.”

“Lead the way.”

After they were finished shopping they went to a clearing in the slums to eat lunch. Karen usually comes here to practice her archery. Kai sometimes joins her and does the same with swords. Karen is the best female archer in the city; she actually wants to join the city guard as one. But since she’s a woman she is not permitted to have that kind of job.

Today Karen didn’t bring he bow and arrows so she couldn’t practice. Instead they just sat on a log and ate. Karen was unusually quiet today. Whenever they eat lunch together she starts going off about something her father told her or how she hit one of the other girls for calling her names. Today was different. Something must have been weighing heavily on her mind.

“What’s wrong?” Kai asks.

Karen’s body flinched as if snapping out of a trance. She looked away. “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kai put down the chicken leg he was devouring, which was amazing because it took a lot to pry Kai from his food. “Don’t act dumb, I know something’s going on. You’re not usually this quiet.”

“Maybe I just don’t want to talk. Have you ever thought about that?”

“That’s a joke, right? The only way I can get you to stop talking is if I bound your mouth shut. Just tell me what’s going on!”

“I’m getting married!” she shouted. Kai couldn’t say anything; the news was too much of a shock for him. “There, you happy now!?”

“Married? When?” Kai demanded.

“My father sold my hand in marriage to some one the other day. I have to get married the day I turn eighteen.”

“Who are you marrying?”

Karen placed her lunch beside her and hugged her knees to her chest. “This guy from a town on the other side of Horagothien, his name is Nurik Rakkona. He’s supposed to be the lord of that town. Once I turn eighteen I have to move in with him, which means I have to leave Kuri City.”

Kai stayed silent for a moment. The thought of his best friend being forced to marry someone she barely knows is almost too much. He asks, “Do you even want to marry this guy?”

“No.”

“Does your father know you don’t want to?”

“Of course he does!” she said. Her voice is high indicating she is close to tears. “But he doesn’t care. All he cares about is money.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “If I get married I want it to be for love. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Run away!” Kai shouts.

Karen looks at him with disbelief. “Kai…”

“You are the one in control of your life! No one else can tell you what to do, especially your father! If he wants you to marry someone against your will, I say screw that fat bastard and start a new life somewhere else!”

Karen buries her head in her knees. “I can’t do that. I don’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t have any money.”

Kai thinks for a moment. “My mother and I have been saving up money for a new house. If I can convince her then we can move away from Kuri City and you can come with us!”

She slowly looks at him. “Kai… you would do that for me?”

Kai places his arm around her shoulder. “You’re the only friend I have, Karen. It hurts me to see you in pain like this. We’ve always been looking out for each other, that’s what friends are for.” He playfully give Karen a nudge on the chin with his fist and says, “What do you say?”

Karen wipes away her tears and says, “Alright.”

“Great. I’ll go tell my mother about this. I’ve been dying to get away from this city for a long time!” He grabbed his lunch and got up.

Before he walked away Karen said, “Kai…”

He looks over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

Karen gives him a weary smile and says, “Thank you so much.”

Kai smiles back before leaving the clearing on his way home.


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Last edited by Dynamo on Wed Jun 13, 2007 4:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really need some sort of critic with this, people.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:58 am    Post subject: A review Reply with quote

Looking back on this review that has somehow grown to a monstrous two pages in Word, I must apologize for the length. I haven’t done peer editing or revision for a good couple of months, and now that the sleeping dragon is awakened, I feel that I’ve gone a bit overboard. I’ve tried to shorten it a little.

The way I review is probably a little unconventional, and I’ll probably suggest a lot of things that you don’t feel you want to change - so you certainly don’t have to (and shouldn’t, really) take all of my advice to heart. I’m just telling you what I would revise.

While you definitely have a solid story and a cast that piqued my interest, I have three major nitpicks with this piece: your varying depth of description, your sentence/paragraph structure, and, most importantly (in my eyes) your frequent tense changes. Let me explain…

The first part of your piece is purely explanatory. Paragraphs two through six are written for the purpose of informing the audience – and, in my opinion, they’re a bit too informative. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “show, not tell” before. It has never been my personal maxim (I think it encourages ridiculously detailed descriptions of things – not what I like to write or read) but there’s definitely some truth to it. While these opening paragraphs do a good job of telling your audience who his character is and what he does, there’s not a lot of action going on. Kai gets out of bed, and suddenly readers are launched into a four-paragraph description of Kai, his parents Riana and Hikatsumi, Horagothien, et cetera…and while these names and places are all very familiar to you, they’re not very familiar to your readers. As a fantasy writer, you’ve spent a lot of time growing your own special world in your head, and filling it with your own lore. Unfortunately, your readers won’t appreciate your hard work unless it’s given to them in a form that they can digest. When you’re trying to give your readers information about anything – the country that your character lives in, the way someone looks, a relationship between two characters – do it a little bit at a time, or do it subtly. Large chunks of info might cause your readers to shut down and lose interest. Most authors tend to avoid massive block descriptions (with the exception of authors like Tolkien, along with some 19th century writers such as Melville & Hawthorne). These will distract the reader and draw them away from what you’re trying to convey: your story. However, there are definitely ways to cheat by working the information into the story in different ways.

The beginning of your story is the part that really needs to hook your readers. This is why I would advise against large chunks of information here. If I were you, I would cut the majority of the information from the middle of the second paragraph down to the sixth paragraph and scatter it through the rest of your story. If the information isn’t yet pertinent, the readers don’t need to know about it, and they’re likely to forget it before the time comes up when they need to remember that Kai might be a Dragon Knight. You can work this information in through many different methods. For example, maybe Kai passes the cliff that he fell off of and has a flashback to that moment, or maybe he puts on a red shirt that reminds him of his friend Karen – ah, yes, Karen, what a rebel! You see where I’m going with this? In my opinion, it’s not imperative that readers know absolutely everything about your characters’ appearances and personalities at the beginning of a story. In my opinion, it’s a little more fun when some details are left to the imagination. Instead of telling us that Kai and Mark “were never on good terms,” why don’t you show us by having them scowl at each other, or avoid looking at each other when they open the door? Little things like that can make a good story (such as yours) into a fantastic piece of fiction.

The second thing that I think would help you is to switch up your sentence structure a little bit. This is a pretty minor point, but it’s something that I think would help you a lot if you learn to master it. Look at the first six or seven sentences of your second paragraph. With the exception of the fourth one (“he brushed…”) which has a couple of different verbs, most of them have the simplest possible sentence structure. This is a really exaggerated example, but instead of “Bob went to the store. He went to the refrigerated section and found milk. He bought it. The milk was cold,” try to add a little bit of variety by using some different punctuation or conjunctions. “Bob went to the store to buy some milk. Upon his arrival, he headed to the refrigerated section. He picked up a jug, carried it to the counter, and paid for it. The milk was cold.” Little changes like that can add some spice to prose.

This piece has a lot of strengths – I like your characters, and your setting is interesting. However, your grammar suffers many minor problems, and one not-quite-as-minor issue. Both need to be addressed – your writing deserves it. For the former, I’d suggest a proof-reader (mom, brother, or random guy on bus). As for the latter…

If you’ve ever studied a language besides English – or, heck, if you’ve studied English in depth – I’m sure you’ve run into tenses. (I hope for your own sake that you never had to diagram sentences like I did.) It’s the difference between “I kicked the dog” and “I am kicking the dog.” One has already happened, and one is still happening. Your story changes tenses – frequently. One minute the characters are finished kicking the dog, and the next minute they’re kicking it again. So, for the sake of your story, and the dog, let’s take a look at this.

Take a look at the paragraph just after “morning, mother” where Kai’s mummy gives him a big smile.

First, she GAVE him a big smile. This happened in the past.
Then, she IS 42 years old. This is happening now.
And yet, these two instances are juxtaposed. There are several instances of this in your story.

With rare exceptions, novels are primarily written in past tense. The only works I can think of that aren’t are adventure stories where you choose your own destiny (you are walking through a dark corridor. Turn to page 46 to turn around… et cetera). Therefore, you should probably change “is” to “was” although it might seem awkward. In theory, what you’re writing about has already happened, therefore you want to use forms like “he watched watched” or “had been visiting each day” rather than “he is watching” or “he visits every day.” The only time you really should use present tense in a fiction piece like this is if you’re writing an expository paragraph - for example, I don’t know if you’re a Tolkien fan, but the first few paragraphs of The Fellowship of the Rings are all written in present tense because they brief the reader on hobbit-lore. This is general background information. However, as soon as Tolkien actually begins telling the story, everything has happened in the past. There is no “is” or “are” unless it’s within dialogue. Do you see what I’m saying?

You have a really, really good start here, and I would really like to see where you’re going with this, because this piece has potential. You’ve already done the hardest part – getting this down on paper – and now, all you need to do it make a few minor adjustments. My suggestions to you would be these:

1. Ask someone to proofread your work before you post it to catch minor things like “an” instead of “and,” or missing punctuation. If you have any other buddies who write, maybe you could swap stories and check for typos. It’s tough to catch mistakes like this in your own writing, but it’s much easier to find them when you’re reading someone else’s piece.

2. Read your piece to the mirror, or imagine someone else reading your piece in your head. (I hate reading my writing out loud, so instead I usually imagine my English teacher reading my writing aloud instead.) Even better, have someone else read your work out loud. This helps because you’ll notice that some sentences sound wordy or awkward when spoken.

3. I think it would really help you to get out some of your favourite books and look at the way they’re written – the amount of white space, the way the dialogue is phrased, use of tenses, punctuation, et cetera. Also take a good look at the way the books begin. Does the author start with action, or with a quiet scene? Do they use a lot of semicolons and hyphens, or do they stick to commas and full stops?

I think that with a little revision, this piece could really sparkle. It looks like you know where you’re headed with it and I can’t wait to see where it goes next. I hope I didn’t bore you too much, and good luck with your future projects. Cheers!
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Oshmiester   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok first off in the twentieth paragraph you said

Quote:
“Something felt out of place today around the palace. Kai couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, and his senses in these matters are rarely wrong.”

This doesn’t flow well. It seems repetitive as a lot of words are repeated. Try bringing the sentences together. Maybe something like: ”Kai couldn’t shake the feeling that something was amiss in the palace today, and his senses in these matters were rarely wrong”.

Also at the start your dialogue was presented in the form of a stand-alone paragraph in its own right. This is fine except later on you started to show the dialogue as a part of the paragraph.
Egs.1:
“Morning, Mother.”
Egs.2
“Thanks Mom.” Kai took a seat at the table and started eating. His house is an old, small building in the slums. When they first came here it was all they could afford. Kai got a job cleaning and mending weapons for the city guard and his mother works at a local flower shop.

You then switched again to ‘Egs.1’.I think perhaps you should pick the style you wish you dialogue to be displayed in and Stick to it for the rest of your story.

All in all a very good start, Your wrighting has some very good aspects to it, and your dialogue is appealing and Charming.

*Thumbs up*

The Oshmiester
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm critiquing as I go...

There are a lot of parallelism mistakes. Like this for instance:

Quote:
“Thanks Mom.” Kai took a seat at the table and started eating. His house is an old, small building in the slums. When they first came here it was all they could afford. Kai got a job cleaning and mending weapons for the city guard and his mother works at a local flower shop.


Since you start off using mostly past-tense and past-perfect-tense verbs, you need to change your present-tense verbs to either past or past-perfect. Or vice versa. It looks better, that way.

Other than that, it was really really good! And you're right, my character is a lot like Karen! Cool!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:21 pm    Post subject: My review... Reply with quote

Wow that is a LOT! and it is good,too.
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with LynnLynn for the most part. I want to add that your channeling InuYasha in your characters background and appearance. You should watch that, because if it's too similar your book won't be published, and it really deserves to be.l

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