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sokool15
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 Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:56 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 3 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:39 am; edited 5 times in total |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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??? A fight to the death??? Spookie and erie, both good things in this story.
Anyway, once again good job!
I don't think the end is too rushed, but the beginning is a bit long. I'd say cut the whole thing with Valery (it's just plain awkward and out of place) and have her just be with Erik when he meets Brad. That would make the start both shorter and better.
One thing to do as you write more is to work at developing the characters. I'm not seeing any problem in this area with Dominic, but I think you should work on developing the winged mercenaries more. Brad's conversation with the girl and just the fact that he liked reading helped develope him some, but I think you might work on Erik and Valery. Add more interaction between the team, because right now it seems as if they don't really like each other too much (which might be the case, but it still needs some more interaction, even if it's them yelling at each other).
Overall it is very good, and though I didn't like this part as much as the first two; I did like the 2nd part, about Dominic a lot. Keep it up! I look forward to the next part!
-Greenie |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't think the beginning was too long but I do have a few suggestions of where you can cut it (the parts struck out) and I found a few grammar mistakes etc. Here you go...
Brad looked up, blinking. He paused to survey the woman who dared to interrupt his reading. Sighing, he marked his place with a reluctant finger.[You've already stated that he's tall in the last chapter so trust your reader to remember that.]
"Yes? What is it?" Brad asked irritably. He disliked being interrupted when he was reading.
"Sorry," he sighed and carefully returned the book to the shelf. "I don't like being interrupted. What is it?"
She looked down, blushing. "I beg your pardon, sir, but it was urgent - or so he said. If he had been anyone else, I wouldn't have dreamed of bothering you..." She looked up and saw Brad's brown eyes staring at her, his simmering temper just barely concealed beneath artificial patience.
Brad's mouth twisted, even as he gathered his wings up and stood, stooping, over so his head would not hit the ceiling. Erik must be really upset...he was usually so sparing in his words, and a message so full of repetition was not like him at all. Brad nodded thanks to the girl and tossed a copper into her hand. then walked out of the bookshop, still hunched over, his brown hair brushing the ceiling as he went. The girl watched him go, wide-eyed, then flipped the copper in the air and stuck it in her pocket.
The two began striding down the street, large booted feet making puffs of dust that swirled close to the ground and soon settled back again. Brad squinted his eyes, mentally adjusted his sight, and when he opened them again he could see as sharp and clear as a hawk. They Then, Erik used his sharp hearing in an attempt to locate Valery.[/color]
Erik led Brad down the street a little ways to the front of a small house with a red-painted door. The two settled beside the entrance and Erik stuffed part of his wide sleeves into his ears.
"Sometimes the gift of sharp hearing really isn't a blessing," he remarked to Brad. Brad laughed understandingly, and the two waited patiently for several minutes. Finally, Erik unplugged his ears and listened again.
Brad scrambled upright, then climbed the short stone stairway and knocked three times on the door. It took a few minutes and some grumbled curses from inside before the door swung open and a tall, young man with dark, ruffled hair stuck his head out, clutching a robe together with one hand.
Seconds later, Valery was joining them on the stairs, putting the finishing touches to her hairdo.
"Goodbye, Antony! Thank you for a wonderful time!" she called back to him before slamming the door shut and turning to her companions. She raised one eyebrow and seemed to be considering whether or not to be angry. "Well?"
Erik quickly outlined the situation for her and she told them what she thought of it with a few profane words. When she had calmed a little, they were able to get a more coherent opinion out of her.
He blew out the flickering yellow lamp and walked out [color=red]of the short dark hallway, into the black stillness of midnight. There were low, thick clouds and only a small sliver of a moon, and the jingling of a horse's harness was the only way Dominic knew where his steed awaited.
After moving quickly for several miles, Dominic slowed the panting horse, letting it catch it's breath. Here, on either side of the road, rose large trees, darker shapes than the black of the night. Dominic dismounted and took the saddle-bags off the horse. He gave it a slap on the rump and sent it back to the Post. Slinging the bags over his shoulder, he made his way through the bushes, yelping every now and then when his arm caught on a thorn or a sharp branch.
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The ending was really good and I love Dominic. He's a great character! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, sorry about the double post but I wanted to be sure that sokool sees this...
I think the new beginning is a huge improvement and I love the new insights into Brad's character. Just two points...
Erik stepped between them, cutting Brad off before he could reply. "Come on, you two. So Brad has a sense of ethics and justice, Valery...don't judge him for that."
"Wishing for a last kiss before we hit the air?" Brad raised one eyebrow, mocking Valery. [This seems a little random now. Perhaps, during their argument earlier, Brad throws it in to spite her. Something like "Oh and we know where you've been making a little extra money." and then she could maybe reply with "I don't charge my clients, Brad. I enjoy their company."] |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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Good! I definitely like this better. One thing
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| The three simultaneously bent their legs, opened their wings and launched themselves into the air, spiraling upwards and forwards in perfect unison, headed fifty miles south to the Firekitten Pool. A habitat for dragons. |
Should be: "to the Firekitten Pool, a habitat for dragons."
Sweet!
-Greenie boy |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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VERY enjoyable!  Since you've done the edits, and Kitty did a very thorough crit, there's nothing for me to say, save that i really liked it, and change this bit:
| sokool wrote: |
| Valery snorted. "Dont' be ridiculous. Let's just fly!" |
Dont' = don't.
Apart from that, nothing wrong. |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:32 am Post subject: |
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| OOOH!! i like the ending 'A fight to the death' it makes more tension for the next, i love it! |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:00 am Post subject: |
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Very nice! The last line has left me wishing there was more... ah, wait, there is, I just have to finish critiquing this part so that I can go read it.
No ellipses in the dialogue this time, yay - but Brad's words still seem a touch unnatural to me at times, especially here:
| Quote: |
"I do agree with you, boss. When the king sends one of his best and most trusted companions from his side to search for us, you can be almost certain it won't be pleasant. And if it's anything to do with the war, I won't help. That war is pure folly." |
While it's obvious that Brad is the intellectual of the group, he's almost a little too articulate here. This happens another time when Erik uses the word "momentous". While the average adult human can recognize something like 20,000 words in print, he only uses 2000-3000 of them while speaking, so keep that in mind when you're writing dialogue. When you're yapping away, your goal is usually to convey a concept quickly and easily, even if you're simultaneously making an attempt to be eloquent (like Brad probably is).
I agree about cutting out the bit with Valery, I think that was a good decision. Your scenes with Dominic have all been great so far so I don't really have anything helpful to offer in that regard (no more kitten, though.. aww). I'm off to read the next one now! |
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