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sokool15
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 Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 6:11 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:38 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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A few specific points first -
As the black specks grew larger
began to hurry away from the area
They fell straight and hard towards the Earth
Their wings, however, were huge and awe-inspiring
she had long, black, curly hair that was bound up
He had wavy brown hair that curled a little over his ears
We're all tired from the long flight
The three creatures walked through the now-deserted streets
"No, they wouldn't do anything to upset us.
As soon as he had finished speaking
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A lot of typos there. Maybe use a spell checker or proof read your work. Anyway, this piece is very imaginative and I look forward to reading more so keep up the good work. |
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_fallingstar_
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 11:34 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, kitty15 already hit the typo problem. Just put your text into whatever word processor you have on your computer and preform a spellcheck and you should be fine. Other than that, I like the premise for this story. It's different from other fantasy stories I've read. I like different.  |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:52 am Post subject: |
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| Its very good, this! |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Goodjob!!!!!!!
I like it! Why didn't I think of this?
Anywho, I really like the idea of flying people. Provides for very cool and fun-to-write action, and there is no story better than one that the writer has fun writing (or something profound like that). Also the whole idea that they are mercenaries that have to sometimes do undesirable work is a good, interesting, and original idea. I like it!
Please write more. If there is PM me, I'll look it over.
-Me |
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DragonWriter
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:21 pm Post subject: i like it. |
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| I loke it, Bit i could love it. YOu need to add alot more detail. What were the boys playing. Why did the pepol loath the eyes. What war. a few idea that cam to me is that at the beginning two pepol could be discussing wherether are not they thought the pepole would come back. I do not know but just add more detial. I mean i did not even want to read past the second chapter. Edit, edit, and edit some more. Editing is your personel best friend. mine too in fact. Pm me when you edit and i will be happy to come beack. |
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Shadowsun
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo. Mercenarys with wings, very new idea. Origional  . Apart from the typo problem everyone else has mentioned it's really good.
~ Shadowsun |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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Really good. An original idea, I think. Anyway, I want to know more about what they are. Try and find another word instead of creatures. Like... Well... Just say what they're called!  Ah, its okay. It is pretty frustrating. Its just, the creatures, gets pretty repedative. Uh. That looks like it. Wait! Explain more about thier surrondings. (Is it hot? If they're in a desert, I think they are, why aren't they sweating?) Also, I think you said this but, If the villiagers are human say so. NOW, thats it. 
~Pol |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:19 am Post subject: |
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| Wow, nice beginning, and, just like Shadowsun said, mercanaries with wings, an awsome new idea! im glad you kept going with it! |
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Fan
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:08 am Post subject: |
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Ooooo...I likey! 
On a more serious note, I can see great things here. I also have wings as a form of transport (and battle), though I don't know if yours are permanent wings (mine aren't). |
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Perikov
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| Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked the introduction to this story...the perspective from the villagers adds a certain anticaption for the reader, and touches of detail within the crowd itself made it more real (the children playing marbles in the bushes for instance). Your descriptions are also really visual, "They dropped like stones, falling a row like beads slipping down a string" which I especially found intriguing. The contrast of personality between Erik, Brad, and Valery I also found unconventional and humorous, I never expected some winged humanoids to be so concerned with money! Are they supposed to be 'angel' creatures or humans with wings? If they are angels then this would add to the irony, and even if they weren't, mabye people could mistake them for angels? I'm sure all will be revealed later on...
Great stuff! ^^ |
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VampireBadger
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:15 pm Post subject: review |
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| "Who is to say? They have never failed in a mission before," replied another man |
“replied a man” would do. “another man” gives the impression that a man has already spoken, whereas that’s not the case, it was a woman who spoke first.
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| High in the sky there came into sight three small specks, black against the deep blue of midafternoon. |
I hate to be picky, but unless it was winter, a mid afternoon sky would be a light blue or slight pink with the sunset. Not deep blue. But it sounds good, so you can ignore me. Also, are they flying on broomsticks or something? You don’t mention this yet.
Otherwise, I love the beginning. I’m totally into it already!
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| but his wings still dwarfed his body He had cropped brown hair and a no-nonsense expression, |
erm… maybe “…dwarfed his body (full stop) He had cropped…”
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| The third was another man, taller than the woman but not as tall as the other man. |
This is kinda clumsy, I would rephrase it somehow
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| "And until then, Valery, keep your mouth shut," said the third man. |
erm… there are only two men.
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| a small, roly-poly man |
I just want to congratulate you on that splendid bit of imagery you just created! I love that word!
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| the three creatures turned and left, leaving a pale, trembling and changed man behind them. |
again, I am impressed with that phrase! Well done!
All in all, a very well written piece of work. A lot better than anything I have seen in a long time! I wouldn’t be surprised to see this on shelves in bookstores! Very well done!
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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This is very cool, I likey. Just a few short things:
Eminate > emanate. Eminate looks right, but it's not. I'm always tempted to spell it that way.
Loathe should be loath. This is the second story I've read today where the author did that - the mistake is not uncommon. "Loathe" is a verb meaning "to hate" while "loath" is an adjective meaning "unwilling" or "reluctant".
The scene where they're all using each other's names in sentences multiple times - I feel like that's completely for our benefit.
Also, in the paragraph that starts out with "the three," every sentence following that starts with "they" or "their," and it ends up being a little redundant since the phrasing is all the same. Perhaps try to change the syntax a little if you go back and edit this.
The only other question I had was why Erik let Brad talk as long as he did at the end of the story without cutting him off, if what he was saying was so abrasive.
Lovely work, and I can't wait to read the rest of it. The whole idea of winged people - very cool. The discussion between the characters was nice, and I hope you'll play on that interaction (or, I hope you DID, since you've written about ten more since) in future chapters. I think I'm about... fifteen chapters behind? I am astounded by your prolific-ness. I guess I'd better get going. |
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Last edited by Lynlyn on Wed Aug 15, 2007 4:54 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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alleycat13
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:55 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone has already hit on all the typos. I couldn't find any other ones.
Two things that bothered me.
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| But the figure closest to the ground made a movement with his shoulders and huge wings spread out on either side of his body. The others, one by one, followed suit. The wings acted like large feathery brakes, and the inevitable crash was now a thing of the past. |
To me, this whole part is awkward, especially the last sentence. I think that you wanted to use this part to introduce their wings, and you did. It's a good visual, but to me, the way it is written isn't as polished as it could be.
"But the figure closest to the ground made a movement with his shoulders, and the great wings that he tucked in during his dive unfurled and checked his fall. The others, one by one, followed suit. They slowed, and met the ground, the seemingly inevitable crash never happening." That's how I would write it. It gets rid of the "feathery brakes" and "thing of the past", which were the phrases I didn't like.
The second thing is the spot where you take three separate paragraphs to describe your three mercenaries. I've read alot of bad stories, and a common trait with them is to describe things with separate paragraphs instead of meshing it all together. This is not a bad story, nor is your writing bad, but this reminds me too much of that incompetent writing. Your readers don't have to know exactly what the characters look like before they see them interact. Try and space out your descriptions throughout the narrative instead of just giving us a big block of it.
Other then those two points, I really like it. I think starting from the villagers perspective was a nice touch. The conflict between Eric and Valry is something that I think you can really use in the future to add some drama or humor. I'm intrigued by the idea of this story and will look for more later. |
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ElizaW
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 7:46 am Post subject: |
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For critique, two parts stood out to me in this piece.
When Erik, Valery, and Brad start talking, I wanted just a little more description than first, second, and third figure. I’d really like to at least have genders assigned. Similarly, when you’re describing them for the first time, you don’t mention their arms until you come to Brad. Until then, I was picturing harpies: wings instead of arms entirely, and only logic later on did I figure out that this wasn’t the case.
The second is the very end of the chapter. After Brad lists out the crimes their people did on their slaves, I expected some sort of stuttering protest, some denial, or justification. Likewise, saying that being yelled at by a tall monster wasn’t quite a ‘changing’ experience. It might start one, but I think the word ‘changed’ is a little harsh there.
What I really liked about this piece was the set up; it’s interesting, you immediately want to know more about these three characters. We’re immediately on their side. The description is clear, you have some beautiful similes and a lovely, almost classical style, and the first three lines of dialog are compelling, though the more Brad says the more I’m surprised to hear words come out of his mouth. His first line gave the impression of a different sort of personality, which actually I think I like more. It makes him more complex. More importantly, I’m now fairly eager to read the next part of the book.
Thanks for sharing! |
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