Topic ID: 1644
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Sophie
Smokey
Novelist
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Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 302
Reviews: 96
Country: Cornwall, England
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject: Hot and Cold (Over 13 - tiny bit of bad language) |
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Please stop being like this,
Please stop fucking up my head.
Please return my messages,
I’m too easy to confuse.
Don’t avoid me in corridors,
Don’t turn away when I talk,
Don’t look at me, then look away,
You’re breaking me like chalk.
You heat it up and freeze,
You like me lots, then don’t,
And don't ask me to explain,
Because you know I won’t.
We both know what you do,
We both know you have the power,
We both know you run hot then cold,
Like tap-usage during a shower.
Run red, run blue.
If you like me, then do.
If you don’t, I won’t
Waste my breath on you.
But what you don’t know,
Is that its not just lust.
And what you don’t know,
Is it’s not just a crush.
I’m falling for you completely,
Though you’re maddening and confusing,
And although you make me wanna scream,
Whether you like me or not,
For you I’m still fire-hot. |
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niteowl
Bring Me the Epidermal Tissue Destructor!
Epic Novelist
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Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 4007
Reviews: 396
Country: somewhere in America
394 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, some of the rhyming seems really forced, like those last two lines...ugh! And the shower line. Interesting metaphor, but you could word it better if you didn't focus so much on making it rhyme.
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Don't avoid me in corridors
Don't turn away when I talk
Don't look at me, then look away
You're breaking me like chalk |
I like this stanza. The rhyming seems pretty natural, and...I dunno, I just liked it.
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| If you like me, then do |
Forced rhyming again. Perhaps you could change do to say so or show me, whatever you think fits.
Overall, I liked this. Although not as much as the Your Guitar one. |
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Firestarter
not actually a site admin
Site Admin
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Joined: 19 Nov 2004
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442 Points
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2005 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Forced rhyme is just so wrong in this poem, as Nite said. It falls into an adequately full bucket of average. ranting poems. The interesting move in this poem is the repetion of starting words in three lines however this was sporadic; I think you should embrace this and do in most of the stanzas, this would add an originality point in my book and also make it sound fast-paced and more 'angrified' like a song.
The last theree stanzas fall into the horrible trap of cliche teenage-angst. I'd suggest re-writing them or just throwing them away. |
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Sophie
Smokey
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 302
Reviews: 96
Country: Cornwall, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, well, this poem is kinda a piss take. And trust me, the rhyming was a whole lot more forced before I changed it slightly. And the "tap usage during a shower" bit had my firned wetting herself.
I deffinately am gonna re-write this. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 5:27 pm Post subject: |
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Please Please Don't Don't You You We We!!!
AGH!!!!!!
Repitious work drives me INSANE! |
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nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
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| Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 10:52 pm Post subject: ... |
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Please stop being like this,
Please stop fucking up my head.
Please return my messages,
I’m too easy to confuse.
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Sorry, but the repetition here was ineffective. Please, please, please.... it sounds like whining...
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Don’t avoid me in corridors,
Don’t turn away when I talk,
Don’t look at me, then look away,
You’re breaking me like chalk. |
Again, ineffective repetition...I would get rid of the comma after don't look at me and add the word and
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You heat it up and freeze,
You like me lots, then don’t,
And don't ask me to explain,
Because you know I won’t.
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I liked the first like a little bit, but the next line sounds like mindless teenage chatter (believe me, I know...I do it:))
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We both know what you do,
We both know you have the power,
We both know you run hot then cold,
Like tap-usage during a shower. |
Again, ineffective repetition
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Run red, run blue.
If you like me, then do.
If you don’t, I won’t
Waste my breath on you. |
I would move I won't to the last line in the stanza... I also don't like the second line
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But what you don’t know,
Is that its not just lust.
And what you don’t know,
Is it’s not just a crush.
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I am really annoyed by also this needless repetition! First and third line of that stanza are almost identical...
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I’m falling for you completely,
Though you’re maddening and confusing,
And although you make me wanna scream,
Whether you like me or not,
For you I’m still fire-hot. |
Okay... once again a teenage rant... though and although are very close to repetition, you might want to change that..I dont like the last two lines...
All in all, it was okay. I would rewrite it... |
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