Topic ID: 17399
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:20 pm Post subject: The Art of War: Part II_Alone in the Night & Prep for Wa |
 |
|
Colors seen upon the dark horizon
Heralds the future of a weary force,
Blue and green upon the setting sun
A glimmer of swords, spears, and shields.
An army stops in a grove of trees
Red and gold in the still cold air,
Fires light against the sky
Warming the hearts of cold-hearted men.
The world is hushed in anticipation
For lights can be seen
Great fires of beech logs
Within the camp of blue and green.
The hoot of an owl alone in the night
Breaks the silence of two armies,
Awaiting the day which will see a victor
Upon a field of frost and grass.
The break of dawn is long in coming
As the gold orb rises,
Snow flurries down
As delicate as lace.
The slumber of men is broken;
Activity flourishes in the camps,
Blue, green, and red, gold
Prepare for a battle to decide the future.
The vanguards gather,
In rigid lines
Pennants flying in a stiff breeze,
As armies face victory or death. |
_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings
Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride
Last edited by Prosithion on Tue Jun 26, 2007 1:12 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Suzanne
waking from Eternal sleep
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7247
Reviews: 1837
Country: Riverbluff, MO
341 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this one more than the first, but I have to think of them together, since they are only in parts, and they worked very well. Most repetition fails, but yours, with the colors, hits the mark perfectly.
There were a lot of lines in this I liked, so I'm going to point them out ^_^
| Quote: |
| Warming the hearts of cold-hearted men. |
This line... I don't know why. It struck me, and I liked it.
| Quote: |
Snow flurries down
As delicate as lace. |
You would not normally think of snow as lace, but it works in the most beautiful way. I read this line a few times, because I enjoyed it so much.
| Quote: |
| The slumber of me is broken; |
This line made me take pause. I wanted to fix it, from a grammatical stand point, but it's too beautiful to hack at. It works, and does so impressively. It puts the first person into the poem, makes you wonder who really is observing all that is going on.
Overall, it was very nice, I think the only line I didn't like was: Prepare for a battle to decide the future. Although it is true, it's a clichéd truth. I think you could leave it in and survive, though. |
_________________
You'll call me the lion, I'll call you the lamb.
I am lost in all you are -- you're alive for what I am. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
Queen of The Venus fly Trap
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5561
Reviews: 1357
Country: England
895 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this but you relied quite heavily on select colours rather than vivid description. Perhaps you should concentrate more on the men who will be fighting in this war so that we feel something for them because at the moment it's just two 'armies' facing each other. Introduce us to a few specific people who may lose their lives or gain victory. Tell us their quirks, what makes them unique.
Other than that though, it's quite well written and I like the idea. |
_________________
Alwaysawriter's advertising space. Hands off until she knows what to put here. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
thanks girls
Clau, the last one is supposed to be men... hold on...ok fixed it. |
_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings
Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dream Deep
i came here stiller than you
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 18 Apr 2006
Posts: 3667
Reviews: 504
Country: so far so good
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I already gave you my impressions of this series, but I would like to enthuse - yet again - over the 'warming the hearts of cold-hearted men'.
Glorious repetition - best line in the whole thing.
Viel glück on the publication, pal.  |
_________________
Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fand
and her books.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1374
Reviews: 372
Country: the big city.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yet another beautiful installment in this little series. ^~ The only thing that gave me pause was:
| Quote: |
The vanguards gather,
In rigid lines
Pennants flying in a stiff breeze,
As armies face victory or death. |
That short line just throws the rhythm off completely, and that close to the end you really want to be sure to keep things going as smoothly as possible, because it's the end of the poem that the reader really comes away with (it being freshest in the mind). Might want to revise that a bit. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Riedawriter23
This.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 726
Reviews: 516
Country: That of my own accord.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I did like this one better. Both are beautifully written but yet so different in style and word usage.
The world is hushed in anticipation
For lights can be seen
Great fires of beech logs
Within the camp of blue and green.
**It seemed like more punctuation was needed in this. I think maybe a period or semicolon after beech logs.
The break of dawn is long in coming
As the gold orb rises,
Snow flurries down
As delicate as lace.
*Again, this was my favorite stanza, lol.
~Rieda |
_________________
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
