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I have no idea what this is.
I have no idea what this is.

by Lost_in_dreamland in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on June 13, 2007
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Dixby's Home For Special Cases

Topic ID: 17157
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Sam   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:05 pm    Post subject: Dixby's Home For Special Cases Reply with quote

There was a click as the heels of Miss Patricia’s “sensible” shoes struck together, and the class stiffened to attention- all six rows of six, separated in accordance to color.

White and red. Forgotten and begotten. The innocent and the catalysts.

That was simply the way it worked at Dixby’s- parents would leave a child on the front stoop, with a slip of paper attached by pins, tape, glue. At the top, in wide typeset letters: Why?

The answer would determine the child’s clothes, food, seating; something that the outside world didn’t know. And so, the figures in tattered raincoats would rush back off onto the street, unaware that the simple, “Pop. Control said couldn’t keep her” or “Cries too much, neighbors angry” had marked the baby with red.

Callisto was a red. She was seated at the back of the room, back straighter than all the rest, hands resting on the edge of the battered desk.

Miss Patricia scanned the room for the sluggish, tapping a ruler in her hand. It was a foreboding sound; threatening.

Finding none at fault, she prodded the side of the projector with the flat of her hand, and the screen flashed to life. 9…8…7…

The numbers, encased in their fat black discs, flickered down to zero. A picture of a barking dog and a smiling boy, dressed in pinstripes with his hair greased back, appeared- bearing the caption, “Your Cells and You!”. Miss Patricia settled at her desk, fingers wrapped around a mug of tea.

The boy seated four desks down from Callisto smiled. He slowly reached into his pocket, and brought out a small scrap of paper, crumpled with age and with a dot of purple paint in the center.

Making sure that the headmistress was absorbed in her drink, he placed the paper on the seat next to him, his eyes never leaving the screen.

Tag, his lips mouthed. Break rank.

The girl he had passed it to looked horrified, and flung it at the next seat, hastily whispering the line.

It was so close to Callisto, dangerously close.

She tried desperately to focus on anything but the game- the boy with the greased hair and his dog were learning about the nucleus, something that seemed infinitely fascinating to the both of them.

“Golly, how does something that small do something so big?”

The boy in front of her yawned. Miss Patricia scanned the room with a scowl on her face, but upon noticing he was a white, went back to her tea.

The boy’s name was Tesla. He and Callisto were linked, bound- in ways neither of them wished. Her father had been the one who had held the pistol to his mother’s head, and Callisto herself had been the one who had cried at the noise. The one who had brought the police, and landed her parents in the penitentiary. And fourteen years later, he still glared at her, cast her dark looks from wherever he was sitting.

Callisto looked down at her feet, cheeks growing red- the moment she realized the crumpled bit of paper at the edge of her desk.

“Break rank,” someone hissed. She took the piece in her hands, holding it lovingly and touching the purple spot with her fingernail.

In a place like this, it was all the power one could ever long to hold.

Her eyes darted about wildly. Who should she give it to? Should she keep it longer? Everyone was fidgeting, threatening to turn round and expose her as the greedy one.

She hesitated, biting her lip, before she reached forward and tapped the shoulder of Tesla’s white jacket, whispering, “Tag.”

The paper slipped easily from her fingers and landed on the edge of his desk. He spun around, ready as ever to berate her, to make her ashamed.

He noticed the big purple eye staring up at him, and his expression softened.

Callisto almost managed a smile.

“Break rank.”


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Last edited by Sam on Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, me likes it. Wink Callisto was developed very well, even in the short time she had. The writing flowed smoothly and your word choice was, as always, superb.

Quote:
There was a click as the heels of Miss Patricia’s “sensible” shoes struck, and the class stiffened to attention- all six rows of six, separated in accordance to color.


Her shoes struck what? I suppose it 'works' to just say her shoes struck, but it might give the reader a more clear idea of the sound if you were a bit more specific.

Quote:
Miss Patricia scanned the room for the sluggish, ruler tapping in her hand. It was a foreboding sound; threatening.


Hmm, the way this is worded makes it sound like the ruler is tapping her hand, which sounds a little awkward, in my opinion. What about saying 'tapping her ruler in her hand'?

Quote:
The numbers, encased in their fat black discs, flickered down to zero. A picture of a barking dog and a smiling boy, dressed in pinstripes with his hair greased back, appeared- bearing the caption, “Your Cells and You!” Miss Patricia settled at her desk, fingers wrapped around a mug of tea.


Very Happy I love it!

It was a beautiful piece, Sam, and I loved the interaction between Callisto and Tesla. If you write anymore of this, I anticipate reading it. Wunderbar! Wink

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Dixby's Home For Special Cases Reply with quote

Quote:
Callisto was a red. She was seated at the back of the room, back straighter than all the rest, hands resting on the edge of the splintered desk.


This is nitpicking but... who puts their hands on a splintered desk? Am I gonna find out this girl has CIPA or something?


I love this. So much. Keep it up!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love it! I couldn't find anything. I'm dying to know what this all means, though! PM me the second you post more/edit more/post any other story, please! Razz

Also, sorry if I sound like an idiot here, but what do you mean 'begotten?' I'd like to know. Thanks!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, guys! Very Happy

WD: Would 'shoes struck together' work, or would it just be clunky? Hmm...

I shall fix the hand thing, though. Creepy, that the ruler is moving on its own.

Puscha: Haha, no one does- though a complex would be fun, right? Twisted Evil

JFW1415: Hmm, I didn't know what it meant either, but it rhymed. Wink It means 'to be the cause of something'. You hear it a lot in Church because it used to mean 'to be the father of a son', but now it's just a cause. English is weird like that.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The endless invention, Sam - inventive would be the adjective to you. ^_^ There's something in your stories that brings to mind gears neatly set together; greased; puzzle-pieced. Layered, perhaps, as well, without leaden heaviness.

Not that that directly applies to a critique of this. But what does apply, naturally, is the ease you've got with making the commonplace hop off the page, incongruous, sudden, new or off-kilter. All in the best way possible.

WD and all have hit the sentence slips. 'Loved the story, Sam.

Quote:
She tried desperately to focus on anything but the game- the boy with the greased hair and his dog were learning about the nucleus, something that seemed infinitely fascinating to the both of them.

“Golly, how does something that small do something so big?”


..and the 'Golly' remark made me grin, all honesty. It has layers, da?






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