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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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 Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 10:07 pm Post subject: First Drafts Of Love |
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Dark-eyed aureate love descends
From austere clouds I've never known,
Weaving a framework of crakling flames
'Til my eyes flash and hiss with gold.
But how long 'til a youthful spark
Blurred with new light, leaps too high
Igniting every shadowed realm,
Bidding the perilous passions to rise?
I'll peer around the grey-hazed walls
While selves collide in pink-tinged space,
My large eyes brimming from the Earth,
Too drowned in trance to turn away. |
Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Sun Sep 16, 2007 10:42 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Just a few typos to point out first...
Dark-eyed aureate love descends
From austere clouds I've never known,
Weaving a framework of crackling flames
Till my eyes flash and hiss with gold.
But how long till a youthful spark
Blurred with new light, leaps too high
Igniting every shadowed realm,
Bidding the perilous passions to rise?
I'll peer around the grey-hazed walls
While selves collide in pink-tinged space,
My large eyes brimming from the Earth,
Too drowned in trance to turn away.
You know that I like your poetry Jasmine so I wont even go into that. What I would say is well done on the format. It's rather different to a lot of your others and it's well written. |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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Mkay, so there were just a few minor typos in this but nothin too seriously wrong...it was actually a very well-written poem, and definitely a joy to read! However...why were the clouds austere?? I didn't see any reason for them to be austere...also, I'm not sure if the aureate love should have dark eyes because to me, dark eyes seem to suggest somethin sinister and as aureate is golden (admittededly, I had to look that up lol, nice word by the way, aureate...) the fact that the love has dark eyes just...doesn't seem to fit. And also, where exactly did the 'framework of crackeling flames" come from...one second, you're talkin about eyes and clouds, then you're on flames...are the flames like the sun?? mebbe clarify that if they are...of course don't state outright that it is the sun, if that's what it's supposed to be, as that would be too...bland...but all the same, clarify that.
But how long till a youthful spark
Blurred with new light...
Um, that just seems kind of...confusing?? If it's a spark then it wouldn't really be blurred...more like illuminated or somethin, ya know? But mebbe that's just me.
Igniting every shadowed realm,
Why are the realms shadowed?
My large eyes brimming from the earth,
how are eyes brimming from earth?? Overall, though, a wonderful write!! |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hey guys. Thanks for the comments. Apologies for the typos, I'm not a great typist, and I was exhausted when I was typing this up, which really didn't help!
Biancarayne-thanks for giving that so much thought! You made some good points and raised some good questions, which I'll definetely consider when I redraft it.Ok...I'll try and explain this, and apologies in advance for my incoherency,my poetry is often more of an instinct than sense, I can feel it a lot more than I can logically explain it.
First off, I'm a cynic, so anything I write about love tends to be negative.The clouds are austere because they're higher up and thus superior, or feel themselves to be superior, so they judge teh speaker on earth harshly, hence the sternness.
Em...about the eyes...you'll just have to trust me on this one because I'm venturing into overly personal territory if I try to explain it. I'll just say that darkness isn't always evil, but is capable of hiding things.There may well be sparkle in it somewhere even if it's not readily apparent.Aureate also means splendid, so it was this kind of power I was going for, this ability to catch the eye, and attract the speaker blindly to it, not the actual colour gold.
The flames aren't the sun, they are just used to signify the power and...hmmm...what's the word...untamable nature of the encnhantment, but I think I'll take another look at that, as maybe I'm jumping about a bit too much with my images.
The spark being blurred was just an instinct, so I'll look at that.
The shadowed realms are where the speaker was standing. The shadows symbolise her secrecy and self-protection. And finally, the eyes are brimming from the earth as the speaker was standing on the ground, beginning to cry as she looked up at this.
I hope that clears it up, but I'll address this one again, beacuse, ya know, if ya have to ask... |
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Lora
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:04 pm Post subject: good |
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i really liked this, there were a few typos, but we all make mistakes! it was really nice, and, oh i don't know, it kind of just stood out for me you know?
great job.  |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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One: read over your work before you post it please. Check for typos and spelling errors, so we don't have to.
Two: Till isn't the word you mean to use. You mean to use until, or 'til (though, until is better).
Three: I notice you do some explaining up there? I didn't read it. Though: good poetry doesn't need to be explained.
I liked that you have alliteration in places, those are always good.
I'm not sure what to say about this poem. It didn't make sense, and I'm not going to read the explanation because well.. the poem should stand on it's own, yes?
Sorry I couldn't be more positive, or helpful. |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the feedback. |
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