Topic ID: 17021
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Sumi H. Inkblot
obey the fist! Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 2993 Reviews: 268 Country: Mu 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:27 pm Post subject: Grotesque |
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As long as you and I can remember
Back before then, even,
My family’s house stood against the wind,
A sanctuary for my frail being.
The shouts of their offspring filled the halls
The grandfather clock in their sitting room
Tickling away the graceful hours of bliss
And we would be there- a presence in their unruffled lives.
And suddenly, my family, you were gone
Your house was empty of all feelings of life
And my brothers had disappeared, leaving me
In the grotesque emptiness that you left behind.
Each day I tiptoed through the stillness
Afraid I would break the sacred silence
Wobbling up and down through the stifling calm-
Watching the dust eat your once-treasured belongings.
Days, months and years, each in that order
Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture
The musk stench of closed curtains and locked doors
Stinging at my raw nose as I saw time go past.
The grandfather clock, in its cloak of age, gave up life;
Its pendulum heart shuddering to a stop
And then I knew, for sure
Such a lonely long time
Had finally passed
From my family.
I still stalk, all bitter
Through the house you left me to
Watching the last traces of memory disappear,
Bourn away on the chill wind that is
The herald to my approaching death.
______________________
Written by a kitten. Or in the viewpoint of a kitten, anyway. ^^ Another one of my bored poems, but I tried a more serious chord, this time. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I'd like to hear people's comments, as I'm not all that acquiainted(sp) with free verse poetry. ^^
~Sumi |
_________________ Band = life.
Period. |
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RatchetWriter
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 141 Reviews: 57 Country: USA - 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:59 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, very sad kind of. (maybe it's because I'm listening to sad celtic music )
I'm not much for poetry, but its difference to other things was intresting and made me read all the way through.
I can't say anything about rythms and whatnot, but it was nice for someone in a kind of thoughtfull phase to read.
Guess that didn't make much sense. I mean that someone that is wide awake and alert, would find it odd, while a person ithinking and knd of far off in thought-world would find it pleasent and intresting. As I was in when I read this.
Suffice to say and finish this not-so-helpfull post, I liked it. |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 15 May 2007 Posts: 4980 Reviews: 1319 Country: England 278 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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| It wasn't too obvious that it was from the point of view of a kitten. In fact, if you hadn't have said I wouldn't have known. Other than that though, it's well written and the free verse format fits perfectly. Your imagery is good and while the grandfather clock isn't original, it works really well. A good use of vocabulary here as well. Basically, I liked it so keep up the good work. |
_________________ Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
obey the fist! Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 2993 Reviews: 268 Country: Mu 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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thanks guys! ^^
(I just had this really weird dream where this poem was called heresy.......)
Just out of curiosity, kitty, what did you think the viewpoint char was? I'm interested.  |
_________________ Band = life.
Period. |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 15 May 2007 Posts: 4980 Reviews: 1319 Country: England 278 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Now that I look back at it, it makes sense but for some reason when I read it, I thought it was someone who had lost their family in a terrible accident and was re-visiting their childhood home. I know that that doesn't make sense. I've read it through with both ideas in mind and I can see mine doesn't think but... I don't know. I suppose my mind thought it would invent the story for me instead of reading what was there... |
_________________ Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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Suzanne
verbivore Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 6963 Reviews: 1747 Country: Riverbluff, MO 734 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this--it was subtle, and had a beauty to it. The repetition of the grandfather clock was somewhat unneeded, IMO.
You need to punctuate it more (that is my largest complaint).
I think you should add the slightest bit more of imagery, give it some mysticism. And maybe tell why they are gone, and why she isn't? (The rapture?)
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| I still stalk, all bitter |
Stalk doesn't fit here. Stalk implies the chasing, obsessively, of something else. Now what if she were stalking the memories left behind? It would make it lovely. |
_________________ Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
What am I reading? |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 2707 Reviews: 788 Country: my locker 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Punctuation kind of dips in and out, but never too consistantly. *see second stanza as opposed to second to last*
"Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture" I think that the dust part here is a little too much... it seems as if you're trying to tell the reader too much, and not leaving anything for them. (or maybe I just find the small things to pick on... ^_^) That was the only instance, though.
I think that the last stanza was perfect.... chilling.
Congratulations. |
_________________ Got YWS? |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
obey the fist! Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 2993 Reviews: 268 Country: Mu 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, a very late thank you, Clau and Amelia! I appreciate it...will make those changes. Might have to let it stew for a bit, though.
Thanks very much!
~sumi |
_________________ Band = life.
Period. |
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TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective? Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 07 Feb 2007 Posts: 3502 Reviews: 814 Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles 268 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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Nice - very.
Can't comment, but the clock was good. (Borrowers in the background, how.... fitting? Ironic? Weird? Dichotomisationing?)
I think "stalk" is alright. Cats stalk. Walk haughtily. You could use "prowl" for a more brooding feel. |
_________________ C: Will you be all right?
H: As a dear friend of mine once said, 'Do I look like a military objective?'
C: What happened to your friend?
H: Somebody shot him. |
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carelessaussie13
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 301 Reviews: 160 Country: Wouldn't you like to know 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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I had no idea, reading it, that this was from the perspective of a kitten. So a suggestion: try making that clearer, if you're really attached tot he idea, or leave it as it is and let go of the kitten idea. Other than that, last stanza, second line
through the house you left me to
umm...definitely work on it. Maybe "through the house you've cruelly emptied" or something. |
_________________ Everybody looks busy. Is something going on I don't know about? |
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Riedawriter23
La Vampiress Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 01 Jan 2007 Posts: 721 Reviews: 515 Country: Imageline, world of the immortals 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:06 am Post subject: |
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I really liked the simple and meaningful feeling to this. The punctuation was a little off for me. Sometimes there and sometimes not, but otherwise I really liked this.
Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture
**My favorite line. Very descriptive and it made me laugh even in the sadness of the poem.
Keep it up!
~Rieda |
_________________ Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
~Proverb
Got YWS? Rick FTW!!!!
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
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RED
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 57 Reviews: 31
300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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I think that this was VERY well done. I loved reading it. The sort of saddened tone of it gave me chills, which is a good thing, I promise. I loved this poem. I think that the repetition of the grandfather clock was good. Almost as if it represented something that was always there. I had no idea that it was in the POV of a kitten. And I agree with kitty about whose viewpoint I thought it was.
Anyway, again, punctuation dips in and out, so you might want to work on that. I liked your line structure and the flow of the poem, it was awesome.
Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say. Well done!
xoxo
-Caitlin |
_________________ Boys are definitely NOT worth your time.
Well, this boy wasn't. |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
obey the fist! Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 2993 Reviews: 268 Country: Mu 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 12:01 am Post subject: |
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| Wow.....0-0 I posted this like a month ago and it's still getting reviews. LOL. Thanks, guys, I appreciate it muchly! ^_^ |
_________________ Band = life.
Period. |
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Fireweed
Speaker of the Forum
 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 Jun 2005 Posts: 647 Reviews: 324 Country: U.S... Alaska, to be precise 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:37 am Post subject: |
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0_o
That's a pretty amazing poem.
It just really... made an impact on me. It was really well-expressed.
Like someone else mentioned, I had no idea while reading it that it was from the perspective of a kitten, so I'd make that more evident in the poem.
A few minor nintpicks:
[quote]I still stalk, all bitter [/quote]
I'd rephrase this. "I still stalk, bitterly" sounds much smoother.
[quote]Days, months and years, each in that order [/quote]
You don't need "each in that order."
So... there were a ton of parts I loved, but I think this would have to be my favorite:
[quote]Its pendulum heart shuddering to a stop[/quote]
That's just so... tragically beautiful. Haunting. I love the personification of the pendulum being the clock's heart.
Wow.
Okay, I'm done gushing now. Keep up the awesome work! |
_________________ No blinding light
No tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark... |
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