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chocoholic
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 Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:23 am Post subject: Daddy Say's He Loves You |
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I wrote this a while ago, but it's one of my favourite poems. I hope you like it as much as I do.
Daddy say’s he loves you,
Mummy say’s it’s true.
Sister say’s it’s not rare,
Brother doesn’t care.
Most friends in the dark,
Best friend try’s to help,
But when you’re all alone with him,
All you do is yelp.
Nothing will ever stop him,
This you know is true,
And you’re lying on the floor,
When he’s finally through.
You’ve never been to know,
If he’s drunk or sober,
But the pain will go on,
From November to October.
Every night you cry,
And beg for some release,
But you know it’ll never happen,
Until he becomes deceased.
When that day happens,
Will you be happy or sad?
Sure he beat and hurt you,
But after all, he was your dad. |
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Alice
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Wow... I like it. I'm not sure what you should fix, except for some reason i'm obsessed with ... on the last line MAYBE it would look better with ... instead of a coma. But then again, it could also be bad. Yay for the backspace button!
Anywho theres my few whatevers
~~~AJ~~~ |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 5:21 am Post subject: |
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Now that I read it silently to myself, the rhyming is much better. Still, when I was reading this out loud, most of the lines didn't run together very smoothly. For instance, though the emphasis is put on the rhyming words at the ends, the poem itself must be rhymatic and flow smoothly. Read it out loud. Where does it sound awkward to you? Then get someone else to read it. Where do they stumble on their words?
Speaking of rhyming, you have an aabb rhyming scheme for the first stanza, but then you switch to an abcb scheme, if that makes any sense. Basically, in the first stanza the first two lines rhyme with each other and the last two lines rhyme with each other, but that doesn't stay constant for the rest of the poem. Don't vary your structure, especially in rhyming poems!
Also, the grammar is driving me nuts.
Daddy say’s [should be says] he loves you,
Mummy say’s [should be says] it’s true.
Sister say’s [should be says] it’s not rare,
Brother doesn’t care.
Most friends in the dark,
Best friend try’s [should be tries] to help,
But when you’re all alone with him,
All you do is yelp.
So remember that when you have a present tense verb, it usually doesn't have an apostrophe. Apostrophes are mostly looking for possessive nouns and contractions.
Anyway... the subject. I sort of like it because it's a creepy subject that is made even creepier from the simple rhymes in the poem. To make it even more creepier, try not to censor yourself. You want to make the punchline big since OMG, HE'S RAPING HER! but to do this you need to gently lead us in the poem. You're on your way of creating this effect, you just need a little more revisions. 
Good luck! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 12:08 pm Post subject: Re: Daddy Say's He Loves You |
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Well done to Snoink for finding those mistakes. I just wanted to comment on a few lines...
| Quote: |
Most friends in the dark,
Best friend try’s to help,
But when you’re all alone with him,
All you do is yelp. |
[I'm not sure about using yelp here. I know you want the rhyme but it's not the best of words but then not much rhymes with help...]
| Quote: |
You’ve never been to know, [I don't think this line makes that much sense and you don't need the line to end with know so you could change it to something like 'You've not yet discovered.']
If he’s drunk or sober,
But the pain will go on,
From November to October.
Every night you cry,
And beg for some release,
But you know it’ll never happen,
Until he becomes deceased. |
[Some re-wording would rally improve this stanza. Deceased is a brilliant word but it doesn't work here. You could try something like -
You beg for release
But no-one hears your cries.
You'll not be free
Until that monster dies. Just a suggestion...]
Overall, the context of this poem is very good. Well done. |
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sworddance
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:06 am Post subject: |
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I'm here finally! Sorry that took so long.
hmmm let us see; for starters, this is really good. That may not be at all useful to you, but I just thought I'd let you know.
On to the useful stuff!
Make sure you take note of Snoink's grammar corrections; I think she covered it for you really well. Implement those, 'cause they'll help!
Anyway, as the others mentioned, your rhythm is a bit jerky at times. Let me go through it and see if I can help with that, maybe...
Daddy says he loves you,
Mother says it's true,
Sisters says it's not rare, ---> I suggest "Sister says it's not that rare"
Brother doesn't care. ---> And Brother doesn't seem to care
"Most friends in the dark, ---> most friends are in the dark,
Best friend tries to help, ---> though best friend tries to help,
But when you’re all alone with him,
All you do is yelp. ---> all you can do is yelp.
Nothing will ever stop him,
This you know is true,
And you’re lying on the floor, ---> you're still there lying on the floor
When he’s finally through. ---> when he is finally through.
You’ve never been to know, ---> You have no way of knowing
If he’s drunk or sober, ---> if he is drunk or sober
But the pain will go on, ---> But the pain will still go on
From November to October. ---> November to October.
Every night you cry,
And beg for some release,
But you know it’ll never happen,
Until he becomes deceased.
*I'll come back to this one
When that day happens, ---> When that day finally happens,
Will you be happy or sad? ---> will you be sad or glad?
Sure he beat and hurt you, ---> Sure he beat you and he hurt you,
But after all, he was your dad.
About the stanza I skipped.... I read the other reviews, and Kitty's suggestion caught my eye. *bows to Kitty* I liked it- but I would take it a bit further, and say instead...
"You beg for some release
But no one hears your cries;
You never will be free
Until that monster dies".
But, if you like your own version better, then here are my suggestions on how to tweak it a bit.
Every night you cry, ---> Every night you cry and cry,
And beg for some release, ---> You beg for some release,
But you know it’ll never happen, ---> But know it shall not happen
Until he becomes deceased. ---> 'Til he becomes deceased.
That's all I have for you on this one. Beautiful, sad, and kind of a shock- very well done.
bei'theh!
~sworddance |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:24 am Post subject: |
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| obviously you've already been critiqued so I'll just say that I like the general idea, but that the rythm is kinda off. |
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Via
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| Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 3:05 am Post subject: Re: Daddy Say's He Loves You |
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I actually quite like the idea of this. I think my favorite stanza is the first one, however. But, as previously commented, the rhyme scheme changes and that's not particularly good. And I suppose the grammar issues have already been covered so I won't waste time telling you about them..
Happy Editing
WM |
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| Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I'd agree with everyone, it needs some re-wording, and some rhythm help. Other than that, it's a great concept. =) |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 10:57 pm Post subject: |
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I'm afraid I wasn't impressed with the poem. I'm not a fan of rhyming poems, because you have to do it really well in order to pull it off, and I only know a few people who have pulled it off successfully. I think rhyming poems limit the poet too much and too often force the writer to concentrate more on the rhymes than the actual message.
The subject is sort of interesting, but one I've heard before, one that has been expressed in similar ways. You need to make it unique. Make the readers care.
It's just a very awkwardly-written poem. Work on your grammar and focus on your message more than your style. |
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oregongirl
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 2:39 am Post subject: |
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i liked this poem!  good job! 
ML,
oregongirl |
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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| i really like this....and it makes alot of sense........ |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm.. Different and controversial. That's good.
Not sure about the rhyming and rythmn in the first stanza, it seemed too out of place and for the first and opening stanza, this can be deadly.
Other than that, it was actually pretty good. |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone already critiqued your writing piece..so I won't.
I liked your whole plot, it was very different and unique. I read some of your other writings and I loved them too. [i didn't get a chance to comment on them]
Keep Writing! |
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casey_kent
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:50 am Post subject: |
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Since they've critiqued everything, I'll just tell you about my views on the poem.
I think that it was nice. I liked it.
My favorite stanzas are the last two stanzas. It really hit me. I guess I should be thankful my dad is not like that. Although I get annoyed by my dad sometimes, although I do not really tell him that I love him, I do anyway. To be honest, I really do, even if he doesn't know that I do, I thank God every night for him.
Okay I think I went a little overboard, but only because your poem is such a nice poem!
Great job!
Peace, love and respect,
Casey |
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| The lines don't seem to run together very smoothly. I know some people who sit and read a poem that they wrote to themselves (out loud) a couple of times to make sure they have a smooth sound to them. It might help. |
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